HowTo:Hunt Grues
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Grue hunting is generally a hopeless endeavour, as Grues live in total darkness, and are not often seen. The reason Grues are not often seen doing anything is because Grues live in total darkness, so the whole "seeing" thing would be kind of hard to do. The likelihood of being eaten by a Grue is probably non-zero, making Grue-hunting a dangerous activity suited only for billionare yuppies that people want to be rid of anyways.
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[edit] The Grue Problem
Grues, like popular belief suggests, cannot be hunted down unless you have a way of reducing the chance of being eaten by a grue to lower than non-zero, and even then, it's still pretty risky. One good way of doing this is to be able to see in the dark. However, every method researched for learning to see in the dark calls for the learner to spend expansive amounts of time in the dark, drastically increasing the likelihood of being eaten by a Grue from probably non-zero to much higher than non-zero. If you are serious about hunting Grue's, the following contains various made-up information that will nevertheless delay your being eaten by a Grue by a few seconds (or less).
[edit] What Is A Grue?
A Grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi) is a box-shaped gap-toothed mammal known for eating adventurers, grue hunters and are often times sent by God to kill kittens when a random 12 year-chipmunk is swimming in its boxers. Grues are not often seen roaming the wilderness in herds, whistling old-time Irish pub songs, working on crossword puzzles, and calculating the amount of back taxes owed by car salesmen. See complete article.
[edit] The Many Types of Grues
Grues come from many lands and each must be dealt with differently. A complete list of the species and sub-species of Grues can be found here.
[edit] Russian Grue
Russian Grues are the weakest kind of Grue and should be dealt with accordingly, when hunting this type of Grue make sure to bring at least one of these items
- a n00b to pwn the Russian Grue with his l33t sniping skills.
- An Eurg.
- A Fiveseven.
- any other object or creature that has an iq above 5
As you can see from this list, russian grues are extremely weak and are of little threat, unless of course you are a wimp, if so then go away.(NOW)!
Signs of Russian Grue- John Mayer albums, boxes of kleenex, and tampons.
[edit] Nazi Grues
Nazi Grues are different from regular Grues in the way that they kill, instead of simply eating their victims which are mainly very diverse and belong to a large variety of religions, they will use tanks, bombs, and biological weapons to eliminate them. One known weakness is American Army Rangers.
Signs of Nazi Grue- Nazi propaganda, red suspenders and Bovarian White Sausages.
[edit] Ur-Grues
Ur-Grues are not to be taken lightly, the strongest of all Grues, can use many spells and potions, little known weaknesses, can be weakened by very very extreme sarcasm, Captain Obvious can be used against the Ur-Grue, Captain Obvious' obviousness may be mistaken for very very extreme sarcasm and may weaken the Ur-Grue. Sadly there is no proven method for killing the Ur-Grue. Ur-Grues are very fond of rumpots, crackpots, and how are you today, Mr. Wilson? You should become suspicious when you notice that your entire city has been flattened, or you notice a giant grue as tall as a sky scraper huffing you. There is a theory that if Captain Obvious, and Mr. Obvious, two completely different people that are not the same person, teamed up it is possible that their combined sarcasm could defeat the Ur-grue, although this theory has been proven through research, Mr. Obvious and Captain Obvious, have very complex schedules and can never make the time to appear together. Some have begun to question this and have asked "Why?", Captain Obvious would then respond "Isn't it obvious?", and then walk away.
[edit] Anti-Grue
The Anti-Grue is to the Grue what Satan is to Jesus, since it is the "anti" or opposite of the common grue, it should be extremely slow, incapable of mowing the lawn and baking delicious cookies and unable to eat crackers, the Anti-Grue is not the opposite of the Grue though, it is thought that some n00b editor typoed and wrote "anti" instead of "antie". The name stuck, this greatly angered the Anti-Grue, causing her to march against the Noob, she attacked but was not ready for the supreme awesomeness of the Guy Who Didn't Whore Himself Through Links Like Most Editors, he used all of the techniques in the book and some he just made up. He successfully tore off the Anti-Grue's apron and stole her cookies. Although she was weakened she was not dead yet, so he used his ultimate weapon, bullying, something surprisingly no one had thought of before, he made jokes on the Anti-Grue's name and color, especially the way Anti and Aunty sound the same. The Anti-Grue was defeated and ran like hell. The only real sign of the Anti-Grue is the presence of a Grue that looks like it was dunked in Pepto-Bismol and the strong smell of cookies.
[edit] Indonesian Grue
The Indonesian grue is the smartest and richest grue above any species of grue and you!!. However, they have big dick, the only positive thing if you meet them. You can kill them by cut their dick, use extreme sarcasm and singing emo song. And the most important is giving money to them. Signs of Indonesian grue:
- Walking chocolate-trunk (actually that's their dick).
- Blood. Human blood.
- Emo song. It means the grue already kill somebody, or somebody just save from the grue.
- Incorrect English just like this article. It means I'm already dead because of grue.
[edit] Eurg
The Eurg is the polar opposite of the common grue except for one thing, they both want to eat you. Much controversy has arisen because of the fact that the Eurg and Grue are not polar opposites. Many simply say that they are just opposite colors, this however is not completely true.
[edit] On with the hunt!
So you have read the above and decided to hunt grues anyway (we will notify your next of kin). We sugest you start with the basic grue and work your way up until you become an expert grueslayer. The standard grue lives in the dark so be sure to turn off all sources of light before you proceed. You will know a grue is near by when the following text unexplainably appears in front of your face "It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue." The experienced hunter will be able to locate a grue based on the horrible gurgling sound they make. You however are not an experienced hunter (or you wouldn't be reading this) so we suggest you eat something first so you don't confuse it with your stomach rumbling.
[edit] You've found a grue, now what?
The average person would run screaming or at least turn on a light. You however are not the average person, you hunt grues after all. The standard grue can only be killed (reliably) by one of three methods each with advantages and disadvantages.
[edit] Extreme sarcasm
First there is Extreme sarcasm. The advantage to using Extreme sarcasm is that it will destroy all grues in the area. The disadvantages are that it may also kill near by humans and shred the fabric of space and time. Therefore it is advised that Extreme sarcasm only be used in sparsely populated areas where damage will be kept to a minimum. It also requires a razor sharp wit and complete lack of compassion making it difficult to master for beginners.
[edit] Light cannon
Next we have the Light cannon. The advantage to the Light cannon is that does little collateral damage while charring grues to a crisp. The disadvantages to the Light cannon are numerous. Light cannons have high energy consumption and as such spend their batteries very quickly, solar powered models are available but require brightly lit areas in order to function. Light cannons also require presice targeting, a wounded grue is an angry grue. Finally due to the intense light out put users of the Light cannon are at a much higher risk for skin cancer and blindness.
[edit] Frotz
Finally we have the Frotz spell. The advantage to the Frotz spell is that it combines the lack of required targeting of Extreme sarcasm with the low collateral damage of the light cannon. The disadvantage of the Frotz spell is that it requires years of magical study to perform without the use of a wand and like most spells may be subject to the approval (and fees) of the local wizards guild.
[edit] WARNING
As with all weapon there is some chance of failure and their use may be outlawed in your area. Check with local law enforcement first! The above weapons have only been tested on standard grues. The authors are not responsible for the weapons failure to effect other grues or the eurg. The authors responsible for death by misadventure nor are the authors responsible people (if they were you would not be reading this article).
[edit] Hunting other grues
(section pending)
[edit] Further Reading
Currently, these articles are available at your local Uncyclopedia:
