HowTo:Kill Your Family
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So it has come to this. All those years of bitching and moaning, those ungrateful little brats squandering away your booze money with their need for clothing, that whore you married fucking every guy in the neighbourhood. Maybe it's time to kill your family.
Contents |
[edit] Getting Started
Before you set off on the road to killing your family, it's important to think clearly beforehand, to make sure this is the right option for you. Of course, if you wish to kill your family in a fit of rage it's best to ignore this chapter and skip ahead.
Prior to the bloodshed it's best to plan out clearly and methodically how you intend to get rid of the baggage and move on. First is the method of death that you wish to convey to your loved ones. Nothing says "I don't want to be with you and can't be bothered to pay for a divorce" quite like a hand grenade, however other munitions are also acceptable. The common handgun has become America's homicide method of choice for years now, and is always a safe bet for beginners. More advanced psychopaths may wish to get more physical, as there is nothing quite as relieving as choking that bitch who took all my your money. If you have many family members you may wish to try varying your methods so you don't get bored. In order to assist you with your murdering, the following table has been compiled for you to use:
[edit] Method:Handgun
Pros: Easy and efficient, a solid choice to get the job done.
Cons: Loud and unless targeted correctly, quick and painless.
[edit] Method: Knife
Pros: More satisfying, rather painful.
Cons: Messy, lots of stinking DNA everywhere. You'll need a new knife to cut Sunday lunch with.
[edit] Method: Axe
Pros: Decapitation, decapitation, decapitation. Street-cred for being a proper psychopath.
Cons: Very messy. Hard to conceal.
[edit] Method: Poison
Pros: Subtle, effective, you get to watch in comfort.
Cons: Rather boring.
[edit] Method: Strangulation
Pros: Very satisfying.
Cons: Takes time, other family members may flee or stop you.
[edit] Method: Crippler Crossface
Pros: Difficult to escape from. Guarantee of suffering before death. Internet fans will praise your choice of murder as "strong workrate."
Cons: Family member may "tap out" before death, forcing a release of the hold. Family member might also counter and roll you up for a three count, which is quite embarassing.
[edit] Method: Smothering
Pros: Silent, effective.
Cons: Hardly glamorous.
[edit] Method: Framing Them for Killing Another Family Member
Pros: You get to kill another family member and get away with it, you get a front row seat to their execution.
Cons: You don't get to kill the family member you framed.
There are other ways of killing your family, but these are by far the most efficient.
After killing your family, you may wish to have a plan for what to do next. If you intend to make it look like somebody else did it you might want to ensure that all family members have substantial life insurance policies against their name. Obviously, try to arrange this some time before you murder your family, otherwise it will arouse suspision and the police will be around. If you intend to flee ensure that you have a getaway car full of petrol and plane tickets to anywhere else. The other option available to you is suicide, in which case this guide will be useful. If suicide is your ultimate intent, try to have a suicide note convincing the world it was not your fault, and that you just couldn't take anymore of their shit. Having a Bible at the crime scene does well to profile you as a religious nut, and will give a measure of interest to your story in the local news.
[edit] Killing Your Family
After picking your method of choice and deciding what to do afterwards it's time to get down to the nitty gritty. It's best to follow your plan detailing in which order you intend to kill them, and how you intend to conceal the bodies, now is not the time to go to pieces, and is why it is so important to have an airtight plan. As you walk around the family home, instrument of death in hand, take in the last few moments with your family. Look at that picture on the wall about the time you all went to the beach. Happy days, huh? Then remember how your slut wife spent all her time flirting with that deckchair attendant.
As you prepare to strike, try to make sure that you will not be stopped by other members of your family. If you have a handgun obviously this won't matter much to you, as you can kill them all rather quickly. If you like, you may wish to bind and gag them individually, and then finish them off collectively, it's a small touch, but effective in conveying the troubled mental state you are in. As you go about your homicidal ways be sure to take in the screams and the begging and pleading. It's why you're doing it, in the first place, and nothing is more annoying than realising you missed the last words of your bitch spouse. If you are following the rage method of killing, you may be especially prone to missing these final words, and thus find yourself more likely to kill in the future.
[edit] So You've Killed Your Family, What Now?
Congratulations! You are now a widower and a murderer. If suicide was your ultimate intent now is the time to follow through, thanks for reading. If getting caught isn't up your street, this is what all the preparation was for. If you intend to bury the bodies try to do so under cover of darkness. You may also wish to ensure that the shallow graves arent that shallow, and that the garden looks like it did before you hid them there. If your garden isn't big enough you may want to try a local wooded area. Again, try to make sure that the graves are deep enough, you don't want a passing dog walker to have Fido dig up your youngest. Now's the time to worry about that DNA stuff, try planting somebody else's around the grave, just in case. Now cash in those life insurance policies and live the high life! If spades aren't your thing, it's time to get the hell out of there and never go back. Still, it's better than another day in the hell hole, eh?
