HowTo:Kill a Ninja
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“Killing a ninja is like wearing a blindfold and picking a needle out of a haystack. It won't happen.”
~ Oscar Wilde on How to kill a Ninja
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Everyone has had a ninja kill someone in their family, they just haven't realized it yet. If you would rather not be killed by a ninja you should kill them first! If you're wondering how to kill a ninja, you better keep reading, because in this article I will reveal the secret to killing a ninja.
Contents |
[edit] Picking A Target
If you wanna kill a ninja, you're gonna need to find a ninja. Unfortunately, like Osama bin Laden, ninjas are very well hidden and are very hard to find without thousands of soldiers searching for one. But unlike Osama, ninjas aren't only in Iraq and underground! Ninjas can be anywhere, but most likely there will probably be a ninja behind your back and when you turn around!! He goes back to behind your back with a knife. If you don't move or turn around for more than 30 hours...the ninja will kill you with the knife!
[edit] Make Sure He Is A Real Ninja
A lot of people try to pretend to be ninjas, but they are not ninjas unless they have followed the HowTo:Become a Ninja process. Make sure they are a real ninja, because if he isn't and you kill him, that is murder and you will be arrested. (plus Jesus will hate you for committing murder, and Jesus is like five ninjas put together)!!
[edit] Once you have found one
Once you have found a ninja, you will need to go find the sacred supplies to kill the ninja. These items are almost impossible to obtain, so be prepared to die in the process. Ha ha ha!!!! Most of the sacred supplies are owned by very wise men like Darth Vader.
[edit] The sacred supplies
The first and most important item is Darth Vader's lightsaber!! This will be very hard to steal because while you are trying to grab the lightsaber...Darth will probably be swinging it at your head. The next item is guarded by a really fat guy without a name. You must steal the ultimate sacred item...the biggest bag of potato chips in the world!! Now the fat guy will probably be eating them so you will have limited time, but if you do it just right, you just might get them, or he might accidentally fall on you.
[edit] The process
Quickly you must draw Darth's lightsaber and swing it around and around so the ninja can't sneak up on you. Swing left and right rapidly while yelling and screaming and hopefully you will cut a ninja's head off. Remember, a ninja can live for 2 days without it's head. So eat your potato chips, eat for your life, and don't leave! When the ninja finally falls to the floor pick him or her up and throw him off a bridge.
[edit] Another way
If you have no idea where Darth Vader lives or your parents won't drive you to the Deathstar, here is a different way to kill a ninja.First, your gonna need a shotgun with a bullet that explodes into 5000.63902 small bullet pieces.If you can't find one then get off your ass and look harder. If you can't afford one then get off your ass again and find a job.If you can't find a job then look in the damn paper. And if you cannot read the paper, then you just deserve to be killed by that ninja,and you also don't deserve that job. Now after you have the shotgun go find a ninja. After you have found a ninja, fire at him. He will not be able to dodge all the bullets, and he will die. Sucks to be him. Or you could simply call Chuck Norris, he'll do it for free.
[edit] Another way
Don't.
Your life is too short as it is. Last thing you need to do is piss off every Ninja with in the next 3 parsecs.
[edit] The end
Now your life will be ninja-free. You can go through your life and live it the way you want it. Hurray. Please do not tell any ninja's this technique, and, oh, don't worry, Darth has millions of lightsabers so take and destroy them as you wish. Also remember, he can't keep rebuilding the Death Star so don't touch that. He is not made of money.
[edit] Troubleshooting
Problem: The lightsaber won't come on.
Solution: If the lightsaber does not come on, then obviously you don't have the force and can't kill the ninja. This is the worst problem ever. If you are able to get away from the ninja, you probably can't make it home in one night so you will be eaten by a grue!
Problem: The last part.
Solution: The only way you can have trouble with "the end" part is if you have no life. If you have no life you shouldn't be reading this article because you probably are to lazy to go out and do it. If you are reading this article you probably don't have a life because you probably live on the internet.
Categories: HowTo | Piracy | Ninjas | Pirates
