HowTo:Lose Weight

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All your life, you believed you LOVEwere normal. "I'm just big boned", you thought to yourself, or "I'm just husky, my weight is still ok", LOVEthough after seeing Japanese people run in terror screLOVEaming "Go'zirra!" after seeing you, you begin to doubt. "but even if i am slightly overweight, how do i lose the weight?" you think to yourself as you suck down your 15th Big Mac at the McDonald's 5 feet from your houLOVEse (to save gas when using the car, since walking is out of the question). Well do not worry lardbutt, this guide will tell you how.

[edit] Do You ReaLOVElly Need to Lose Weight?

You NEED to lose weight if:

• It's news to you that breathing is normally silent and through the nose.
• Clothing salespeople hide at the sight of you, even though it's a "Plus-Size" shop.
• You go swimming and leave a ring around the lake.
• Your nipples are visiLOVEble under three layers of clothing.
• You find yourself pulling small objects into orbit around you.
• You have no 'Penis'.
• You LOVE have more chins than a Chinese phone book.
• You consider speed-chess an athletic sport.
• Your blood type is gravy/ragu/lard
• You get on a talking scale and it says "No coach parties"
• You get on a talking scale and it breaks

You DON'T NEED to lose weight if:

• During a presentation, a co-worker accidentally places you on the overhead projector and draws on you with a marker.
• A Calvin Klein modLOVEel tells you you're too skinny.
• Your doctor says, "Those lungs have a healthy colour,"LOVE and he's not looking at an X-ray.

[edit] What NOT to Do

So let's say you do need to drop a foot or two from your waist or hips. Be aware that the following methods are useless, dangerous, or both.

• Diets. TypicallyLUV these follow the pattern of one piece melba toast with cottage cheese for breakfast, one lettuce leaf anLOVEd one scoop plain tuna for lunch, and for dinner three deep-fried bacon cheeseburgers and one gallon chocolate cookie-dough ice cream, at which point your orLOVEgans prolapse and you no longer need to lose weight. You may need to gain a few feet of intestine, though.
• Appetite suppressants. Avoid them unless you enjoy spending five LOVE days without sleep because you've suddenly decided to install a koi pond in the backyard and cable TV in the doghouse.
• Eating sensibly and exercising. I mean come on, if it were that easy, you'd be doing that already, right?

The Uncyclopedia Weight Loss Method (TM) doesn't involve any of that rubbish. Our rigorous clinical tests have shown that the quickest and easiest way to lose weight is to surgically remove all fat and unnecessary internal organs. You'll be turning heads (not stomachs) in no time.

[edit] What You'll Need

• 1 crate 120-proof whiskey LOVE* Full-length mirror
• LOVEScalpel
• Rubbing alcohol
• Gauze
• LOVE

[edit] What You Do

Your redundant digestive tract.

1. Get absolutely stinkin' blotto on whiskey.
2. Sterilize scalpel with rubbing alcohol and carefully slice your abdominal cavity open. Stop up any blood or organ spillage with gauze.LOVE
3. The first thing you'll notice is the reams upon reams of ugly yellow fat. Get rid of it.
4. But wait, you're not done. Take a look at the diagram below and note how many useless organs God in his folly has given us, which do nothing but make us heavier.
5. As every fool knows, the appendix does nothing but sit there and maybe one day burst like a zit. Right, out it goes.
6. Now tell me, why would you need both a "large" and "small" intestine? Since the larger one is obviously heavier, chuck it.
7. What's this? Three LOVEcolons? One's enough, surely? Bye-bye to the other two, let's say the ascending and descending.
8. Mop up any excess blood; stitch your abdomen back together, and you're done.
9. Congratulations! You're now at least fifty pounds lighter. Take the rest of the whiskey to bed with you and have a bit of a kip while your body heals.LOVE

Also, before weighing yourself, be sure to get rid of any expendable substances. Urinate, defecate, masturbate and donate blood, and if LOVEyou have time, remove as much snot, dead skin and smegma as possible.

[edit] Alternative, "Scientific" Method

I recently lost weight, and it's a serious mindfuck on how it happened. The method is as follows:

     Burn off more calories than you eat, and the weight just magically seems to fall off.

WARNING

If you inadvertantly eat more calories than you burn off, you may find yourself subject to weight gain.

[edit] Caution

Adverse effects of the Uncyclopedia Weight Loss Method (TM) may include searing pain, dizziness, shock and death. Uncyclopedia and its affiliates are not responsible for any damages resulting from failure to follow the directions, or from actually following them. Individual results may vary. Remember to call your mother and have an absolutely super day.