HowTo:Make a Microwave Meal

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1 On Why You Are Neither Healthy Nor Smart
2 Steps
3 Tips
4 Warnings
5 Things You'll Need

[edit] On Why You Are Neither Healthy Nor Smart

The easiest meal to cook, for either breakfast, lunch or dinner, is a microwavable boxed meal. Most any type of food, can be bought at the Frozen Food section of your Supermarket. I guess that comes as a revelation to you but it's a fact all the same. Peel your butt off the computer chair and go down there and check it out (we tell you how in detail below)! While each pre-fabricated chemically altered meal needs little or no preparation, ~~not all~~ none are healthy for you, and on occasion some will not fit into your particular diet needs or even your freezer box, especially if you go for the extra large uncut buffalo deal. While it might be easy and fast to cook (not the buffalo, the boxed meal you moron), it is not as easy to find the exact food that you prefer. Especially if you can't be bothered looking while you are glued to the computer screen. Here we unwrap the complexity of obtaining a microwave meal and preparing it for those of you whose life revolves around calculating more time to spend on the computer.

[edit] Steps

Go to the proper section of the frozen food section. Yes, apparently there is a "proper" section, it will be flagged by some gumby sign that says "Frozen". Learn this word before you venture out of the house.
Don't be alarmed but generally frozen meals are separated into various meal types, breakfast, dinners, deserts, snacks, fish, meat and so on. Each section is then broken down into the names of the company that creates these meals. All of this comes as a complete shock to the person looking for a frozen meal as it is so darned logical that it is just too surreal to accept. I mean, c'mon, can't stores be more original and mess things up? Shopping is not good for human health anymore and if the powers that be in shopping land don't provide the thrill of the hunt and gather, human powers are diminished. So, take a moment in your contemplation of your next meal to mess it up a bit and make things better for the next lazy git seeking a quick meal.
Notice that not all meals come in boxes. As tragic as this seems and as tree-saving as this concept may be, you must come prepared. There are many meals that are sold in plastic bags. There is no need to cry. These bags are not going to bite you and they will still serve the purpose of getting your cheap and unhealthy meal home in one piece (provided you don't gnaw at it on the way home, a temptation too great for computer sloths who calculate that eating it before reaching home and the required microwavep will gain bonus computer time). Unfortunately, in addition to shape-changing microwave meal packaging, some meals are inconsiderate enough to waste your time by requiring other ingredients not included in the bag. As if that is not enough, many have specific ways to prepare them. Some also take longer to cook then others. These ones should be discarded in the interest of faster time to return to ogling the computer screen.
Look to see if the meals are intended to be eaten by one, or by the entire family. This is not always easy to notice because the boxed meal is larger than most boxes hiding out in the supermarket. If the boxed meal is larger than your butt, it will be nigh on impossible to find the details. If so, you should assume that the meal serves only one. For those of you who are a little more challenged in working out how to ascertain whether or not the boxed meal (not the plastic bag meal mind you) is for a family, it is usually written on the face of the box, whether this is for a Family Meal. This, of course, brings into play the difficulty of finding the "face" of the box, as most microwave boxed meals tend to be shy and turn their face away from you. Persevere. You can do this. By the way, since it is doubtful you actually have a family or you wouldn't be hunting so relentlessly for a microwave meal, why even bother worrying about this step?
Select the meal or meals you require and turn the box over to read the ingredients. This step does require that you have taken Reading 101 at some point in your lives. Make sure that you can eat the ingredients used to prepare this food. This means checking that your dentures are properly inserted, that your fingers have been removed from external orifices and that you actually have a 5 second window of opportunity in between mouse clicks.
Check the price and compare it to other similar frozen meals. Look at the expiration date to make sure it is fresh. This step can be skipped in all reality because a person who spends their life eating frozen meals doesn't so much as give a shit about the quality of the food entering their body, so who gives a flying fig for expiration dates? As for price, there is no price too high for ensuring more time at the computer.
Buy the frozen meals, take them home and put them in your freezer. Hopefully this will not prove too much of an exertion for your soft joints that rarely ever get to exercise or see the light of day but we're pretty certain you can do it. Eventually. Practice makes perfect and all that.
When you decide to cook one (the meal, not your bowels), just look at the cooking directions on the box. Then look down, around and through the other side. Somewhere on that box (whatever happened to the plastic bag - didn't you buy one?), you will find the Holy Grail of instructions.
Open the box and remove the food. This is probably the hardest step of all. Really, it takes patience, fortitude and steel resolve to open a microwave box. Beware the microwave box guardians who are ready to bite at the first sign of entry of fingers. These can be lethal if not tackled in advance.
If you are eating a frozen boxed meal, just slit the plastic on top, place it into the microwave, set the proper time. and close the door. Oh please close that door. If you don't, very bad things will ensure. Really demonic and destructive things. Karma will be nuked and insanity will display itself in full regalia on your kitchen floor.
If you are going to cook a full meal that comes in bags, prepare the meal as directed, then place the mixture into the microwave and again set the proper time and wait for the microwave to finish cooking. If you don't follow this step, you probably bought a box when we lovingly suggested it was also okay to get a plastic bag. Of course, this step might entail actually adding additional ingredients and for that, you will need to follow a whole new how to.

[edit] Tips

If you didn't wait for the box or bag to cook, (and we know this is probably highly likely due to your computer neediness), just stir and eat bone cold. Your body won't notice and will even thank you - for finally feeding it something, anything.

[edit] Warnings

Don't let the neighbors in on your dirty little secret. They will call the health department to have your microwave cleaned.
Don't let the family know what you're up to or they will request advance inheritance rights. No, these haven't been invented yet but it'll only take you to have them passed as law in no time.