HowTo:Make things more complicated than they already are
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“I don't recall making it that complicated.”
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Life is waaayyy too predictable. You get up in the morning, you go to school and/or work, you eat a bunch of "foodstuffs"... but before going to work or to school, you come home and sleep. Oh, and you are supposed to get dressed in the morning, and you have to eat lunch AND dinner (usually separately, but this is the 90's). This repeats. And repeats. And repeats several more times before people get the joke. Why does this have to be so gosh darn simple?'
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[edit] The History of Complications
Complications can arise from thousands of different sources. Back in ancient times, complications arose from saber-tooth cats, saber-tooth mammoths, saber-tooth armadillos, saber-tooth bunnies, saber-tooth mice, and many other saber-tooth items and objects. Things with saber-teeth were the ultimate source for complications for tens of thousands of years. In the middle ages, saber-teeth gave way to the black death, the black plague, the black plague-death, and the black "ohgodno". This complicated things far beyond the normal range for complication allowed by the human mind. Complications today are far more complicated than the cavemen would've thought. Interestingly enough, the cavemen did little to prepare modern humans for the coming onslaught of complications, some of the worst of which are Calculus and internal audits, neither of which were invented by cavemen.
[edit] Why So Complicated?
Life is relatively simple when you realize just how complicated you can make it. For example, a simple "Hello" can be made into a "Why do you keep on staring at me with your dumb grin? I give my mandatory formal greeting as by social custom." But why? so complicated? Because it makes you look much more intelligent and can even confuse the hell out of other people. When people see your new, much more complicated way of doing things, you'll look more like a sophisticated person.
If life was really that easy, people would become weak and stupid, like cattle. And, like cattle, they would get eaten by much larger, smarter predators who want life to be complicated. Also like cattle, people would be assimilated into farms by smarter beings and used for their milk. You see why, now? Okay, could you explain it to me?
[edit] Process of Complication
To make things more complicated, all you need to do is determine the underlying steps involved in making that otherwise simple activity, such as communicating, eating, and breathing that more sophisticated. To determine what these underlying steps are, you need to determine what steps are involved in completing the under complicated version of that activity. To complicate things further, you must add smaller substeps to each main step in order to make room for even more substeps.
[edit] Making "Homestyle" Pancakes
[edit] Step One
Lets say you are cooking pancakes. Yes, we all know that you are probably not doing it right now, but lets speak hypothetically, that you are in the kitchen, making pancakes. "How do I know what to do next if I'm in the kitchen and not next to the computer?" Good question. Simply unplug your computer and bring it in the kitchen. Be sure not to turn off your computer in the process, as you may lose this page or you could just print it out. But that would require a printer and you would have to install your printer first. When selecting your printer, choose one that gives maximum DPI and best resolution. Printers by HP are considered to have the best quality images. But if you want to just print documents, get a simple black and white desktop model; they usually only cost $100 or less. Once you have successfully installed your printer, print out the page, by going to select all and print. Congratulation's! You're ready for the next step!
[edit] What do the pancakes represent?
The first pancake represents your own abilities. The second pancake represents your passion. Your passion and your abilities will come together to make this situation far more confusing than previously indicated. If you combine them in a pan of your own mind, you can see your true passionability burst forth in a maelstrom of confusion... and passion...
[edit] Step Two
You will need to obtain the following items to accomplish the task of making pancakes: one (1) hen, one (1.5) cow, twenty (20) wheat seeds, one (1) "milk," one fourth (1/4) acre of arable land, one (1) bowl, two (2) moles of H2, one (1) mole of O2, one (1) oven, one (1) sheet of cast iron aluminum... or whatever... and finally, one (1) spoon. Do not make any substitutions. Please, we had enough experimenting in cook college. It was terrible.
[edit] But I Hate Pancakes
Live with it. Okay? Live with it. Life isn't a bowl of cherries, or a bowl of ice cream. Instead of a bowl, imagine life as a whip with bits of glass in the end of it. And instead of cherries, imagine pain. So, it's not a bowl full of cherries (or whatever we said before)... it's a whip full of pain. Compared with pancakes, I'd rather have the cherries, hold the glass. But that's just me. So eat your damn pancakes.
[edit] Procedure
Gently coax the hen into laying an egg. Ponder for a minute over which came first. Get the cow in the kitchen and attempt to milk her. "So where does the damn milk come out of?" After being crapped on by the cow, clean up the fecal matter and attempt to milk the cow outside. Pasteurize the milk with the machine. Oh, and this is very important, be sure to refrigerate the milk and the eggs as they may go bad over time. To make the flour, plant the seeds in the fertilized land and water them with the product of the chemical reaction:
Wait six months and harvest the wheat. By then, the milk and the eggs have gone bad so repeat the step where you obtain the eggs and milk. Hope you remembered to feed them! Cows and chickens like food! You forgot? Oh well, go ahead and repeat step two and remember this time to get the milk and eggs AFTER you grow the wheat. Go ahead and grind the wheat in a wheat mill. "You didn't say we needed one on the list!" Well now you know, so go grind that wheat.
Now that you have your freshly ground flour, place it in a bowel bowl and put in the milk and the eggs. Be sure you cracked the eggs open and are you sure they weren't fertilized? Curse for 5 min if eggs were fertilized. If so, go to the store and buy some more eggs, and some more milk for that matter. The milk that cow made was a little funky...
Mix the milk, flour and eggs in the large bowl. Take hammer and hammer out a skillet for you to use out of the cast iron sheet. If you don't have a hammer, don't despair, use your head. Turn on oven. Turn off oven cause you need to use the stovetop. If oven fails to turn on, be sure you plugged it in or connected it to the gas line. If that fails, check to see if the pilot light is broken or the heating element needs to be replaced. If all else fails, call customer service, and tell them you were trying to make pancakes in the oven. Wait for the laughter to subside before telling them your problem. Turn on stovetop burners and preheat skillet.
[edit] Oh by the way, this was all just a big, fucking metaphor
I think you should know that. The people who wrote this article aren't the most sane people in the world. We're trying to teach you a lesson. See, the milk, flour and eggs represent Freud's structure of the personality. The Milk is the superego (DUH!), the flour is the ego, and the eggs represent the hairdo, in case you were wondering.
The kitchen itself is full of so many representations that it's making me kinda thirsty... so many different representations... EXCUSE ME!
...whew, sorry about that! Anyway, long story short, this article is one big metaphor. It's not even a direct metaphor, it's like a metaphor for other things representing other things. It just goes around and around and around not really making any sense at all. Hold on, I think I've got a few thousand more metaphors up my sleeve, if you would pay attention for just a second...
