HowTo:Misbehave in a Library

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“SSsssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!”

~ The Librarian on your conduct

“The library is the best place to learn, meet people, and eat read some excellent books.”

~ A Book Worm on the library

“If I had some money for every time I visited the library, I'd be bankrupt.”

~ Mr. Monopoly on removing the library property from his board

Welcome to the guide that explores the best way to have fun in a library at the expense of those who actually go to the library to do something useful. If you don't want to annoy the librarian, then perhaps you want the article on HowTo:Behave in a Library?

Contents 1 Introduction 2 Step 1: Find a Library 3 Step 2: Case the Joint 4 Step 3: Behaving Inappropriately 4.1 Phase 1: Move into Position 4.2 Phase 2: Cause small amounts of Mischief 4.3 Phase 3: Cause medium amounts of Mischief 4.4 Phase 4: Cause LARGE amounts of Mischief 5 Step 4: Escape from the Librarian 6 Step 5: Escape from the Library 7 Step 6: Rinse and Repeat 8 Conclusion

[edit] Introduction

At some point during the days of your boring yet interesting life, you may wonder what to do for the next couple of hours. Perhaps play some football with the local failures of school, or try to cook something that is partially edible for your family? In fact, you should not be considering any of these things, as they are all stupid examples meant to coerce you into reading this article. No, what you really need to do is find something that is fun for you and yet is annoying for someone else. One such game, and the main topic of this guide, is having fun in a library.

'But just how do you have fun in a library?', I hear you ask. Good question, and one which I cannot reply to without blatantly avoiding the answer. Truthfully, there is not really anything fun-wise that you can do in a library. The library is mainly a place for learning, studying, and getting some decent personal education. Furthermore, the librarian firmly believes that the library should be a place of peace and quiet, so they will probably throw you out on your ear for trying to even remotely enjoy yourself.

So no, the library is not a fun place. What it is, though, is a great opportunity to conduct some immense mischief, and really annoy that librarian and the other geeks to the point of suicidal tendencies. So what better way to pass the time than to muck around in the library?

This guide will explain the finer points of inappropriate behavior to be used in the library, from annoying the other students to messing up the computer system, from slamming doors to battling with chairs, and finally to when you send the librarian screaming into the street. From this point forward, chaos and Dennis the Menace are your new companions.

[edit] Step 1: Find a Library

Before you can behave badly in a library, you need to find one first.

A second hand, run-down, tiny book shop will simply not suffice for a library. You need a large, quiet, oak-pannelled library in which you can muck around. Make sure that the library you choose is large enough for you to run around, as this will be needed later when you escape from the librarian.

A good and possibly the most simplest method of finding a library is to look in the Yellow Pages under 'library'. If it lists the address of a local library, then simply go to that address to find a library. If by some coincidence you cannot read the Yellow Pages for any reason but are able to read this article, then it is advised to ask a member of the family where the local library is in your town/city/hovel. Should they reply "Go look in the Yellow Pages", proceed to whine and snivel about how it is too much work to read such a large book. If the family member still refuses to tell you, whine and snivel at them to pick it out from the Yellow Pages for you, and then ask them to read it to you.

If all else fails, just walk up to a random stranger, who is probably standing in a children's park, and ask them where the library is. With luck they will take pity on your incapacity for orientation and will point the directions out to you. Seriously, they will. They may even offer you a lift to the library. Strangers love to give out information to children, and will certainly not try to kidnap you because they 'like' the look of you. Neither will they do evil things to you once they have you tied up in the back of their Ford Transit.

[edit] Step 2: Case the Joint

Once you have selected a library as your target, you will need to perform some stakeout duty on the chosen library. This is known as 'casing the joint' or more appropriately 'spying', most people just call it "stalking", anyway, Call it what you wish, you just need to watch the library and judge the best times in which to cause some havoc without being caught. Timing is everything.

There are three main steps to take when spying on your library. Please note that these steps are to be done over a period of weeks. Nobody said that fun things just happen straight away. Anyway, the three points are:

• Select a lookout point. Any point from which you can easily see people entering the library, leaving the library, or the librarian leaving for a tea break, is classed as a lookout point. It could be any point from outside the library building, although it would be better if it was inside the building. Pick somewhere in which you have a clear view of any entrances or exits. Also, make sure your lookout point is not in any way suspicious, or leaves you in plain sight of the librarian. This will no doubt make them aware that you are watching the area, and they wil then proceed to watch you. Should this happen, immediately move to another lookout point, and check if it is suitable once again.
• Note when the librarian is not watching you.
  

  

  This is a librarian. She looks old, but she can do nought to sixty in 4.2 seconds.
  The librarian breed is one of cunning, nervousness, fussiness, and above all, watchfulness. If at any point they sense you doing something wrong, they will take off from their post and arrive at the scene, ordering you to leave and rearranging books that you may have unrearranged. Therefore you need to know when the librarian will least notice you, so that you can strike without warning. A good sign a librarian is least suspicious is if they are asleep, they look asleep, they are talking to somebody, they are wandering aimlessly around the shelves, or they are preparing to leave. If a librarian shows any of these signs, check and write down the time in a notebook. Once you have check these signs and their corresponding times over a number of days, then you will have pinpointed a time when the librarian will be inactive. It is at that time when you will strike with your mischief.
• Pick an area in the library that is most populated. For your antics to have a big impact, they need to be performed in the presence of many people who are probably studying and trying to ignore everyone else. Areas such as these can exist in the library where there are tables, computers, wide open spaces, and lots of bookcases. These are all known as studying spaces. Check any areas that fit the description of a studying space in your target library, and note down how many people gather in these spaces during the day. The purpose of this is to see what areas you can cause the maximum amount of mischief in. If possible, only check spaces that are furthest away from the librarian desk, or else you might be spotted by the librarian when you strike.

Once you have completed all three of these steps, return to your home and check your results. With luck, you should be able to pinpoint a time in the library when the librarian is least suspicious, and when an area of your choice in the library is most populated. This will then be the correct time and area when you will enter the library and cause some trouble.

[edit] Step 3: Behaving Inappropriately

Now that you have the correct time in which to cause some mischief in the library, you must prepare yourself for the ultimate battle between yourself and education, all in the name of preventing boredom. There's no point in backing out now. You just spent a couple of weeks preparing for this moment. Just do it!

Alert: If at any point you see the librarian enter red alert (e.g. they come storming over towards you, fangs bared), then quickly skip to Step 4!!

[edit] Phase 1: Move into Position

Simply make your way into the library a couple of minutes before the time when the librarian is least suspicious and when the area you strike is most populated. The extra minutes will give you time to preapre yourself and to think clearly about whether you are willing to do this simply to give yourself something to do. It is too late to back out now, you've just spent a week planning this! Now get in there and make some noise!

Once you have entered the library, make your way over to your lookout point, all the while keeping an eye on the librarian and the area in which you will strike. Wait calmly, and check the time every so often to see if you are on schedule. Eventually, the chosen time will arrive, and librarian should be showing the signs of being least suspicious. At this point, move into the crowded area, where you will begin Phase 2.

[edit] Phase 2: Cause small amounts of Mischief

Yes, you should only commit minimal amounts of mischief at the start. Cause too much mischief, or start with a gag that is too large, and the librarian will notice you immediately and kick you out, suspicious or not suspicious. You need to start subtly causing trouble at the beginning, so take it slow.

A good ice-breaker for mischief would be to walk up to those who are studying and whisper to them "What'cha doing?". Try to say it in a girly voice as well, unless you are a girl, in which case all you need to do is just say it. Then, as the studyer begins to lapse into conversation, move away quickly and ask another studyer the exact same question. This will introduce the studyers to the fact that you are there to mess around, but not too much, and thus will not cause them any alarm. No doubt they will return to their work as you move away. This is a good sign, as none of them will want to alert the librarian yet.

So far, so good. Next, try to move onto the topic of computing. If your chosen library area contains computers, then this will be a good place to start causing havoc. You may want to use the "What'cha doing?" line again, just in case you need to practice it. If you wish to do something else, walk past and accidentally kick the chair leg of those studyers working at the computers. Upon kicking, whisper an apology and move on. Kick the chair leg gently, or else you will send the studyer sprawling to the floor, and they will no doubt call the librarian to action.

Next, move onto messing with the books. If you see a book jutting out on a desk, walk past and brush it just enough to send it falling to the floor. Immediately apologise in a whisper after knocking it to the floor, and reach down, pick it up, and put it back on the table. Then move away. If you feel that the librarian is not watching, then you may want to be daring and try walking up a shelf, and begin fiddling with the books. Fiddle with them enough to send one dropping to the floor. Please make sure it is a small book and not a large tome. Dropping a large book will cause a big sound, and the librarian will no doubt be alerted to your presence.

By now, some of the studying people should be annoyed by your antics. This is good, as it means you are on the right track to having some fun. Now you can begin the next phase.

[edit] Phase 3: Cause medium amounts of Mischief

The next phase is to move onto the higher forms of causing mischief. This will certainly cause some of those who are studying to turn their heads in your direction, probably with a finger sign as well. Bear in mind that it also may cause you to alert the librarian as well. If you continue, then be very careful.

Begin at first to ask the question of "What'cha doing?" again, only this time you should ask it in a normal sounding voice, and not a whisper. This should cause some of the people to whisper a shush at you, which only means that you are doing it right. If nobody shushes you, then proceed to talk louder. Also, make sure to ask this question to the studyers you have previously asked, as well as ask those who you have not asked. This will double the annoyance you are causing to them.

The next point is to do with computers again. In this higher state of mischief, one way of annoying people on the computers is to turn off their screen. They will probably turn it back on and whisper an obscenity at you. If this happens, kick their chair leg hard and walk away. Try not to overdo the kicking of the chair leg, though; do not kick it so hard as to send the studyer sprawling to the floor. Nobody likes to fall on the floor.

A real corker for this level of mischief is to play some typical 'library games'. For starters, begin to sneak around the bookcases and eye people who are standing by and reading books. Try to imitate James Bond in some fashion. For example, dart around one of the entrances to a bookcase aisle, and then roll across the ground until you reach the other end of it. Should any of the studyers demand to know what you are doing, hunch over and whisper that somebody is following you, and then point to a random bystander at the same time. To add more confusion, say that they are trying to stop you reaching 'The Land of Magical Books and Fairies', because they work for the Organization of Library Deputies (or O.L.D., for short). A good way of extending this idea whould be to go up to a wall, bang it methodically as if checking if it is hollow, and say "This must be the entrance here..." loudly enough for everyone near you to hear.

Other great games to play in the library are 'find the book I've hidden on the wrong shelf', 'Tag', 'Rock Paper Scissors', 'Stuck in the Mud', and the all-time favourite 'Chair Wars'.

Once you feel that you have fully used this level of mischief and would like to do something more naughty, move on the next level at your own peril.

[edit] Phase 4: Cause LARGE amounts of Mischief

Now is the time to actually wage some war against the librarian. This phase will totally ensure that those people in the library who have managed to keep their sanity so far, will lose it very quickly with you around. Beware, though, as this level will almost guarantee that the librarian will enter red alert, and thus put an end to your trouble-making days.

To start with, move to the computer area for your first step into higher mischief. Now take a deep breath and try to switch off as many computers as you can before one of the studyers actually wrestles you to the ground to stop you. Whether you get them all turned off or not, laugh crazily at all of the people whose computers you have violated, and run away to hide behind the bookcases. Check to see if any of them are following you before you move on to the next part.

You can really stir up some trouble with those studyers who are at tables and trying to study by trying to play the age-old game of 'jumping from one table to another because the floor is made lava'. This game will ensure that every studyer in the area will pay attention as you jump from one table to another. If possible, invite a friend in the library along to play with you, or invite loads of other friends into the game. The more friends you bring along, the more you will get noticed. why not round off the game with a bit of 'Musical Chairs'? Kick some studyers off of their chairs and start marching around them, whilst having one of your friends provide the music with some off-key singing. In fact, make it an everlasting game of Musical Chairs by telling your singing friend to not stop singing. This will definitely give you mucho points for being annoying.

For the daring and possibly evil of those among you, try to pull all the books down from the shelves and cause a big mess. Scaling the bookcases, swinging from the ceiling, crawling under the tables, and playing 'Story Time' in the adult's section with some little children are definitely daring feats to play. These are, however, prone to injury and humiliation, and so should be avoided if you are only planning to kill a couple of hours in the library, and not get a visit from the men in white coats.

[edit] Step 4: Escape from the Librarian

Whether you only cause a small amount of trouble by sticking to Phase 2, or you went totally overboard and skipped right to Phase 4, probablility and Sod's Law says that the librarian will sniff out your inappropriate behaviour, and come bounding into view with teeth bared and a stout stick in hand. At this point, if you value your life and your un-bruised ass, you will want to make haste and run. And when this means run, this means RUN! Totally take off at supersonic speeds! Get the hell out of there!!

No, do not consider making for the exit. The Librarian will probably have employed some of their cronies to bar the exit, as well as the back door. No, your main priority at the minute is to lose the librarian within the library, and then begin to formulate an escape plan.

Before the librarian reaches you, dart into a bookcase isle and run. Weave and dodge between as many bookcases as you can, all the while putting some distance between you and the librarian. Luckily you will break the line of sight between you and the librarian. The problem is that this will only work if:

• The librarian is really unfit. Usually most librarians are unfit from sitting behind a desk all day. Usually they use their cronies to do their work for them.
• You are in a big library. If you are in a small library, you will probably not get far away enough to break the line of sight from the librarian, and will eventually be cornered. You should have picked a big library, like it said so at Step 2.
• You didn't annoy the studyers too much. If you really pissed them off, then they will likely try to block your escape path or point out your direction to the librarian. You can avoid this problem by escaping away from the area of studyers you tormented, and into another area. The studyers there do not have any quarrel with you, and so will leave you alone.

Once you think you have put considerable distance between you and the librarian, you will need to find a suitable hiding place to...hide, until the librarian loses interest and will return to their post at the front desk. A suitable hiding place will be under a desk that is in shadow, behind some bookcases that are against the wall, sitting around a desk with some other people, or if you hide in a dense crowd of studyers with your head down. Eventually the librarian will give up the chase and walk back to their post. From now on, however, the library will be on constant red alert. The librarian and their cronies will now chase after you on sight, so you need to escape from their evil clutches.

[edit] Step 5: Escape from the Library

By returning to your lookout point you used recently in Step 2, you can begin formulating a plan on how to escape from the library without being caught by the librarian. From where you are, you can probably see the exit. Hopefully it should be unguarded, as the librarian will have called off her cronies and sent them out to look for you. You may think that you can get out of the library by simply walking out of the front door. Well, you could, but it's not the right way to do it. For one, you will be in plain sight of the library, who upon seeing you will then set the exit to lockdown, and begin to chase you once again. You need to be able to sneak out of the library without being detected.

One way of escaping the library would be to sneak out of the exit. Yes, it said just before this that you could not do that. But this way is different. In this way, you will sneak out of the exit, and not blatantly walk out. You can do this by moving with a large dense crowd as it exits the library, with your head bowed. This large crowd will probably appear during closing time. If you do not want to wait until closing time, you could hide under a carboard box and slowly sneak out through the exit. If you do not have a cardboard box, then ignore the whole idea of sneaking and just run for the exit. This will probably not work, for the librarian will close the doors automatically before you even reach them.

The library may possibly have a back door of some sort, if not an open window. This will certainly serve as a means of exit. Once you are either out of the window or back door, simply walk away from the library. Should the library not have either a back door or an open window, then at least it will have a skylight. By climbing up the bookcases and along the roof, you should be able to reach the skylight and climb out of it, and then find your way down from the roof.

Should the library not have a back door or a window, or a skylight, and you are unable to sneak/run out of the exit, then you need to consider permanently living in the library. You will need to bribe some of the studyers to bring in some food for you to eat, and you will need to find a bathroom of sorts in which you can have your privacy. If permanent residence in the library is not an option for you, then you need to do some serious apologising.

To start apologising, walk casually up to the post of the librarian, ignoring her looks and the cronies who are closing in around you. Stare the librarian straight in the face and say you are sorry about your behaviour and that it will not happen again. If the librarian lapses into a lecture on the balance of the library and how you are ruining it, patiently listen and say 'oo' and 'yeah' in the right places. When the lecture is done, the librarian should allow you to leave the library. Now walk out of the exit. Job done.

[edit] Step 6: Rinse and Repeat

Congratulations on making your first attack of innappropriate behaviour on the library. Now all you need to do is do it again. Just keep going back into the library and repeating Steps 3 through 5 until the librarian either runs away screaming whenever you enter the library, or she brings in a court order preventing you from getting closer than 15 metres to the library. If either of these things happen, simply do Steps 1 and 2 again on a different library, and then perform Step 3 to 5 all over again. In no time you will be permanently banned from all of the libraries in your county, and you might be considered a hero in some parts of lower class society. Well, it's what you get for messing around in the library.

[edit] Conclusion

Thank you for reading this simple yet complex guide on the correct procedures to do when you wish to behave badly in a library. Sure, you may not be able to study or learn in any library ever again just because you behaved wrongly, but you can use the internet for studying crap. You don't need boring books to learn. The internet is the only type of media you will ever need!

Remember kids, never be a librarian when you grow up, unless you want to be running around chasing after delinquents who have read this article.

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