HowTo:Play the game "Guess How Old I Am?"

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

HowTo  This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series. See more HowTos

“I guess you're 33”

~ Darth Vader on Guess How Old I Am?

“No, I'm 26”

~ Stormtrooper on Darth Vader's guess

“No, You're 33”

~ Darth Vader on Stormtrooper's response

“Yes, I'm 33”

~ Stormtrooper on Darth Vader's crafty mind game

A very popular game in western countries, the Guess How Old I Am has been a cultural basis for important diplomatic relationships and the creations of massive empires. Usually the object of the game is to convince the other side (usually male) to have intercourse or to make amends to a partner (usually a female) after forgetting her birthday/anniversary/etc.

How to play the game?

Contents 1 Male Partners 2 Female Partners 3 Extreme Version 4 Optimistic Version 5 Variations of the Game 5.1 Usage Amongst Pirates 5.2 Writing a Haiku 5.3 Committing Genocide 5.4 International Politics

[edit] Male Partners

1. Watch partner's face carefully
2. In case partner looks mature and respectable state mature/respectable age. Go to step 4.
3. In case partner looks young and handsome state young/handsome age. Go to step 4.
4. Partner demands beer and amusement.
5. Partner Belches.

End of game

[edit] Female Partners

1. Observe partner's face carefully
2. In case partner looks less than optimal, go to step 4
3. In case partner looks young and hot go to Optimistic Version
4. Consider needs from partner, if nominal relationship is required go to Extreme Version, otherwise go to Optimistic Version
5. Use any of the following phrases:

"You don't look like you're a day over 25"
"Damn you're hot, I wish my mother would be this hot" (*)
"Who's your plastic surgeon? You just have to give me his number"
"...Now I had the time of my life, no I never felt this way before..."(**)

* Avoid using this line if you're Oedipus
** We strongly recommend against this line unless you're Patrick Swayze
End of game

[edit] Extreme Version

1. State Real Age
2. Duck
3. Swing right to avoid left hook
4. Back flip to avoid kick in the groin
5. Engage bullet time to avoid 0.45 slug
6. Run like hell
7. Tilt head to left to avoid flying shoe
8. Never call her again.

End of game

[edit] Optimistic Version

1. State an early twenties Age
2. Offer flower
3. Ask for phone number
4. Prepare strategic plans of getting partner into bed
5. (Possibly) get partner into bed
6. Dump

End of game

[edit] Variations of the Game

[edit] Usage Amongst Pirates

"Guess how old I am"? "Harrrrddddy Matie, yer looking like a bottle o rum after all the shipmates had their go with yarrr"

[edit] Writing a Haiku

"Guess how old I am"? "Ho Anjin-Sama, let me sing you a little Haiku I wrote for the occasion:

"Ho Anjin sama!" ~o~ Anjin San My Love Like A Wrinkled Prune You Smell Old And Far-gone Past ~o~ [edit] Committing Genocide "Guess how old I am"? "Gott Im Himmel! You look like the Führer himself, with your stern brown eyes, the little mustache and the everlasting need to massacre Jews!" [edit] International Politics "Guess how much oil reserves I have"? "I would say 2-3 billion barrels. Right lads, when do we invade this bloke?"