HowTo:Properly Greet a Japanese Person

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Most people, and probably you, (because you a stupid, fat American with the brains of a retarded chipmunk) do not know how to greet a Japanese person. Even worse, many people think they know how to do this. This idiots think that you bow and say "Konichiwa." Well, guess what? THEY ARE WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!

Never, ever, no matter what bow and say "Konichiwa" to a Japanese person. Odds are they will stab you and feed you to Godzilla. (Believe me, I had a bad time when I did that to my friend's Japanese parents.) So for all the poor dummies who wanted to do a hot Japanese chick and greeted her the wrong way, here is how you really say hello in Japan.

Contents 1 Step 1: Don't Panic 2 Step 2: Performing the Greeting 2.1 Phase 1 2.2 Phase 2 2.3 Phase 3 2.4 Phase 4 3 Step 3: The Result

[edit] Step 1: Don't Panic

You need to start right off the bat and not screw up. The pressure for you will be intense, and the slightest mess-up will infuriate them. But you really can't be nervous. If you are nervous, then you could stutter or forget a step, which means you die. And Japanese people want you to be quick and confident when you do the steps. So just relax. If the person is a hot Japanese chick, just imagine you're already in bed with her. If not, imagine they are a hot chick and is in bed with you.But you have to cool down quick. They don't like delays. And remember, this is JAPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!

[edit] Step 2: Performing the Greeting

Once you're in your right state of mind, it's time to actually say hello to the waiting Asian. This is a complex process, composed of 4 phases. Remember, your life depends on this, so pay attention and don't screw up.

[edit] Phase 1

Show them some hentai while you freeze your penis to a small size to fit in the crowd

[edit] Phase 2

Now you need to take 18 walnuts out of your pocket that weigh exactly 0.3141592654 pounds. (Trust me, Japanese people can tell if it weighs that much, so make it exact.) Take the walnuts and crush it into a paste with the consistency of peanut butter. (Use a hammer. It will do the job.) Attempt to lick your nose while smearing the walnut paste on your knees.

[edit] Phase 3

Now you have to sing the Frosted Flakes song and put on a Hello Kitty costume that a Brazilian llama threw up on. While doing that, you have to repeatedly blink for no reason. The costume has to be made out of gerbil fur and have a cellphone glued to its ear.

[edit] Phase 4

This is the final step to your greeting. You have to stop singing Frosted Flakes, but keep blinking. Recite a haiku in Swahili about large purple rocks while tapdancing like the penguin in Happy Feet.

[edit] Step 3: The Result

Now you're finished with your greeting. If you did it correctly, then the Japanese person will be happy. More specifically, if it is a hot girl they will strip and start humping you. If it is any other Japanese person, they'll bite their foot and then give you money. If you don't do it right..................well, you'll die. You shouldn't complain about the various things you need to greet them. After all, I don't really care if you become Godzilla food. Many retarded people became Mothra's lunch after not listening to my advice. Besides, there's a store in Minnesota that sells walnuts that are exactly the size you'll need. It's in Minneapolis, right next to the big Hooter's.