HowTo:Survive a ninja attack
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[edit] General Hints
First, remember in mind the rules displayed of ninja avoidance in the main article. If they don’t work, remember these:
- Always have a cup of tea before walking into a hotspot of ninjas! It's essential energy and will temporarily arm you with super powers.
- Be armed with Oscar Wilde and Douglas Adams quotes, you'll need them to outwit your enemy.
- Watch the shadows! Ninja could be anywhere, so keep your eyes peeled unless you want to be decapitated, dissected, urinated upon and hanged. They could be hiding in that drain, or in a tree, or they could be right behind you as you read this and you’re just too dumb to notice!
- In Mortal Kombat with a ninja, don’t let him get hold of a weapon. The only thing more dangerous than a ninja is a ninja with something sharp and stabby (or George bush at an A-bomb launch control room, whichever comes first). Remove ANYTHING that can be used as a weapon out of mr Japaneseus cut-throatius assassinus’s reach(that name kicks arse, whoever wrote that!). Other wise he’ll freak out with a parasol, dumbbell, digital camera, microscopic organism, baseball bat with 9 inch nails through it, computer virus, (or if he’s a stereotypical ninja) the mother of all swords, any thing that is physically possible to pick up. Being impaled on a giant amusingly shaped plastic cactus is not a pleasant way to die.
- Ninjas can use anything as a weapon. Remember that! Don't let them near a vase of petunias!
A ninja can obliterate with this. may it haunt your sleep.
- Especially if you belong to a Pirate organization, a ninja shall not feel any form of mercy. If you beg for forgiveness, you may just be lucky to get less than a chuck norris beating
- One ninja attacking and your chance of survival will be minimal. Two ninja attacking and you are practically screwed. Anymore and such a force will hit you that you will become your very own mother.
[edit] Unarmed Combat
Ok, so you’ve identified your ninja, it’s not any of the above 3, and he hasn’t got any weapons. Now what? If movies, video games, internet movies, or [insert other form of multimedia] are anything to go by, ninja are the ultimate hand to hand fighters, aside from Chuck Norris. A ninja can kick you in the teeth 249.09 times a second, and reduce a Californian redwood to a tooth pick in seconds with just their index finger. They can bring down 2000 demented protesters without a single one noticing. They are masters of ownage, so don’t get beaten up for God's sake! Believe me, getting punched, kicked, kneed, head butted, thrown, or any other form of attack from those guys is like eating a Big Mac in a McDonalds:
- it's messy,
- it's thoroughly unpleasant, and
- your mortality rate instantly rises above 100%.
- In a hand to hand combat scenario, it's recommended that you learn a good martial art.
Perhaps the fancy move from "Fist of the North Star," were Ken punches that dude 100 times till he explodes. No? How about learning to throw a very well concealed knife with a rope attached at the flipped out warrior, Scorpion style? (Use with caution, Scorpion will beat seven shades of shit out of you for stealing his move.) Be smart; don't get your face ripped off.
[edit] Ninja Speed
- Remain in eye contact. Lose gaze for a second and you’ll have a shuriken in your face, a poison dart in your jugular and a ninja sword in your spine, and unless you are a complete Jake McDonald, you'll definantly feel it. Keeping eye contact can be hard, especially as ninjas can move at warp 5. The fact that he can outrun the USS Enterprise is bad enough, now he has a sword/anvil/rabid dog/grand piano/vegetable or other implemants of destruction and he is pissed. The way to beat this handicap is to play and master pong on really, really, really, really, really, REALLY hard mode. That goodnessdang square moves so fast that even a pimped up Millennium Falcon would roll over and die at that speed. But, if you can focus on that pathetic dot for a whole 24 hours, you can focus your eyesight on the ninja, and his light speed moves will be useless. (Unless he blinds you with a smoke bomb, then you’re pretty much screwed). As has been said, make sure you've already drank a warm cup of tea, it is proven to raise your reaction times and give you super awesome mega powers allowing you to keep up with ninja speed.
[edit] Defense Against a Flying Ninja
- Everyone knows ninjas can fly. So if you can, get a stinger missile launcher, than blast him into oblivion. But beware, there’s nothing stopping him nailing that missile and sending it back and wiping the smug look off your face, so be ready to move!
- If a ninja is flying at a high speed towards you them you must leap into the air and perform a super somersault which will spin the earth on its axis and reverse time to before the ninja began to fly. Hit him then.
[edit] Use of Ghost Stories
- As explained in the main article, ninja are shit scared of ghost stories. So, memorise all 1000 pages of Stephen King's book IT, word for word, and tell it to him mid fight, breaking his concentration. While his guards down, let him have it!
[edit] Kicking Their Booties! (if possible)
- Hinder his abilities. Excellent eyesight? Throw sand in his eyes. Excellent smell? Break his nose. Expert puncher? Snap his elbows. Snap their legs, kick their shins, break jaws, throw phone books at them. Do whatever it takes to hinder them. Of course, these won’t work against the following ninjas:
- 1. Scorpion.
He’s already dead, therefore he can’t feel pain
- 2. Joe Musashi
He'll just cheat and blow himself up, before reconstructing himself and doing a better job at it than the NHS will ever do.
- 3. Ryu Hayabusa.
He's a pussy really
- 5. Rafael, the Ninja Turtle
Try and trip him up so that he falls onto his turtle shell back. Laugh in his face as he lies there, unable to get up.
- 6. Chuck Norris
The weak point is his dentistry. Shoot him with syrup, chocolate and sugar and his teeth will rot instantly. Then grab a cool cowboy hat and his dignity will be lost.
[edit] If All Else Fails...
- If all else fails, you must become a ninja. I know it’s a pain in the arse, but believe me; it's worth it in the end. You can run at warp 4 (I know I said warp 5 earlier, I was being dumb!), use shuriken like no other, and jump viciously on co-worker's desks, and they can’t do anything about it, because you’re a ninja! but if you can't be bothered, and If worst comes to the worst, pay another ninja to do it for you. Of course, ninja mercenaries don’t get out of bed for less than 20 grand, so you had better hope your the owner of microsoft, if you need some ninja arse kickery on your side.
- If you wish to seek further advice on becoming a ninja please go to 10 Downing Street and seek out the master ninja: Gorbrownobi. He'll teach you the art of awesome ninja-ness and also how to make an excellent cup of tea. If you're lucky you may be taught how to bore your enemy to death!
[edit] End Note
Hopefully you remember these helpful tips, and if not, and you think this is bullshit, then you are a very stupid person. I am a ninja, and I’ve told you how you can beat us if possible and yet you’re sitting there going [in stupid nerdy or chavvy voice] ‘yeah right. I could beat some stupid ninja just by punching him blah blah blah…’
yet if you have taken this in, I have to kill you, for I cannot let this info get out.
