HowTo:Tell the Difference between an American and a European car
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In this ever globilizing world it's somethims hard to see the real difference between two objects made in completely different countries. This is esspcially a fact with cars: nowadays cars are produced all over the world, making people who try the find out about where the car came from, clueless.
However, some differences will never disappear. This is essential in the biggest rivalry in cars of all time: that between American and European cars.
Contents |
[edit] Looks
One of the most essential things about a car is the design: there's nothing more that says "I know more than you about cars" then to drive an esthetic sensation that is your car. It's also the first thing that people tend to look at: the actual bodywork of the car. It can't just say something about the owner. No, most of the time, it also says something about the manufacturer of the car.
There is however one thing that's just staggering: when you break it down, it seems that a continent is a decisive factor for the design of the car, thus the necessity of making a difference between America and Europe. This comparison is fair, because the size of the two parts of the world is roughly the same.
[edit] The European looks
In Europe, the looks of a car are an important aspect. It seems that European car makers are not satisfied until the car they've been working on looks fantastic. The best proof of this can only be shown:
As you can see, these two cars are just magnificent. The edges are where they're supposed to be, the color is perfect and the all-round design makes the cars look like they were created by nature itself. Hell, this piece of text can barely stand the sheer perfection that these cars have. AAAAAAA, it hurts!
Now, you might think that that's little unfair, because those are the best models of the best companies, but let's take a look at the regular European car:
Now, even though this is a car that any German dumbass can buy, it's still has the looks of a champion: the roundings are perfect, exactly where they're supposed to be and the decent price makes it even more fantastic.
I guess that's what European looks are all about: quality as a number one priority. Quality that sometimes doesn't come cheap, but at least it works. Not only that, you can look at it all day long and you'll still never get tired of it. You wonder how they do it. You wonder "Why is this thing so damn good? Not only that, but why does it also work like a charm?"
And I guess that there's only one answer to that: the human desire to better things, circumstances and life all together. That's what European design aims for: to look even better that the last masterpiece.
[edit] The American looks?LIKE CRAP
And then there's America. Sure, it's the weathiest country on the face of the planet. Sure, it can blow up entire planets with the push of a button. Sure, it can overrule any decision made by anyone anywhere, but that's where the great things stop and the shitty things start.
I mean, don't get me wrong, having the biggest and baddest army ever is pretty cool, but having to pay for that army must be really expensive, because not only the money goes to the army, but I guess all the beauty is well, at least when speaking about cars, because American cars look FUCKING HORRIBLE!!!
Why, in name of all that is holy are American car so goddamn ugly? Are the mothers of American car designers all nasty bitches who beat their kids up as soon as they hear that they pursue a career in car design? Or maybe it's something in their food that blinds the eyes from seeing nice things. Or maybe they do it on purpose, to sell more cars and to suck money out of every good hard working American's pocket. Whatever it is, it needs to stop, right now.
It needs to stop for not just the sake of America, but also the sake of mankind. Mankind is going to die if it has to stand 10 more years with cars looking like that. I mean, I know what you've been thinking. You've been thinking all this time "O God, please get that car on the right off my screen. I'm begging you, Jesus, have mercy on my soul. I can't help that I masturbate all day, I just do! You don't have to punish me like that."
It's not just new cars, it's old cars as well. For instance, you have the Hot-rod. For those of you who don't know, that's a car that deserves to be parked inside the asshole of the guy who made that...thing. I mean, come on. It looks like some sort of clownmobile. A clownmobile from Hell, that is. I could see two clowns climing out of a Hot-rod and then fucking each other in the ass, while screaming: "Who's laughing now, stupid little turd? AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!"
There really is only one conclusion to it: American car desings STANK!!!
[edit] Performance
Performance is also an essential when it come to cars. I've come up with three areas to measure performance:
- Speed
- Handling
- Breaking
It's two out of three, so there has to be a winner.
[edit] Speed
This one is a no-brainer. Most American roads have a top speed limit of 50mph, which their cars are usually struggling to reach, and when they do you see black smoke pouring out of the exhaust and bits of the engine flying down the road behind them. Where as European roads allow the cars to drive as fast as they want, upwards of 3x10^8m/s. Yanks can get 200hp from 10 litre V8s, Europeans can get that kind of power from a pencil sharpener!
[edit] Handling
Aha, now let's take a random, 1/4 angle turn. Let's have both cars drive at the same speed and let's have them both not brake. Here's what will happen:
- The European car will turn around the corner with ease. Hell, it's looks more dangerous than it really is. The driver can drink a cup of coffee, whistle a song, maybe read a news paper: his car will never crash. The only thing that can get damaged is the road or the laws of physics.
- When a American car tries to turn around a bend, three things will happen:
1: The steering wheel comes off. 2: The car explodes. 3: The driver dies a horrible death. Not even a fast one, no, a very slow and painful death.
Naturally, Europe wins with ease, making the score a very predictable 2-0.
[edit] Braking
Here's what happens to the two cars if they are to speed up to 60 mph/100 kph and are to brake suddely for a road crossing duck:
- The European car brakes really, really hard and stops at least half a mile before the duck. Perfection.
- The American car tries to brake. 20 seconds long. But it's useless, the brakes won't work. That's beause the brake discs are made from cardboard and catch fire the moment they're touched by the brakes. The duck gets killed, so is his family. On top of that, the American car still hasn't slowed down and crashes into a levee, killing every wildlife in the area. Did I mention the car has leaf springs?
Europe STILL owns. Who gives a crap about size anyway? I tell you who: fat people, who think "Haute Cuisine" is a menu at McDonalds. Yeah, that's who.
Trust me, it's really like nothing else. You should especially buy the new Jaguar XK, which goes like Stank. In fact, our tame racing driver has already tested it. Only he's not here, because he reckoned that the "Internets" is for "Ginger beers". What an utter baboon!
Conclusion: The person below is an idiot. I'll tell you why later on.
[edit] Cost
While European cars pretty much own, the important thing is if you can afford one. Most poor Europeans are stuck driving cars made by pissed-off Russians, while only people who make more than 3,000,000 Euros/year can afford a real European car. Why? Because European cars are made by angry French or German bastards who strike at least once a month for more money. (Volvos, Vulvas, and Saabs don't count...as they're made by badass drunk Vikings).
American cars, on the other hand, are made by illegal Mexican terrorists and blacks...therefore, the car companies only have to pay them about $2/month.
So to compare (used in Amerkin dollars...because we kick ass and I don't have a Euro key):
European Car: At least $300,000 for a box on wheels American Car: ...with an economical fourteen-cylinder engine! All yours for $15,995! (does not include, tax, title, tags, and $75,000 processing fee)
[edit] Size
American cars are basically batfuck insanely large compared to Eurotrash. Most American "economy" cars can hold six Renault Espaces in just the back seat alone. The big reason for this is because Americans are quite large, but also Americans enjoy the occasional fuck in a car. It is for this reason alone that the government has mandated that all new models starting in 2009 will be equipped with a hot tub and a condom dispenser.
European cars, on the other hand, usually weigh less than the average American child.
[edit] Safety
American cars lack things known as 'safety features' this is primarily due to the massive bulk of most yanks protecting them in the inevitable crashes.
[edit] Durability
All but the smallest American cars can tear through most any European car. If your American car is fragile as glass compared to a Euro-mobile, it's a phony made in some 3rd-world country.
[edit] Why the person above me is an idiot
Well, he's American. Most Americans barely have the brainpower to walk. How's your burger, Billy Bob?
Walk yer terrorist ass back to BBC-land beffer I dip you in ketchup and eat you with my freedom fries! Anyhow, all you Europeuns suck...y'all drive on the other side of the damn road! (I do that sumtimes when I'm drunk). Plus, all y'all talk like that gay dude from American Idol! We merkins don't need no safety. We got guns fer safety. Plus, only women 'n gays drive European cars here in America. I'll drive the biggest damn truck just so I git more American in me than you! So back off, and may God continue to bless us fine Americans. GET OFF MY LAND!!! AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, GO BACK TO CANADA!!! ~Billy Bob from Bama
I would if I wanted to go there, you ingrate! Good God, you made me spill tea all over my linen shirt, you utter cloth!
[edit] Conclusion
Americans are big idiots.
Europeans are quite naive to generalize Americans.
Most of our cars suck, but the new Cadillac CTS is worse. It can't beat the Mercedes C350 in a comparison. Eat that.
But I want a European car anyway. An American with a European car is much better than a European with an American car.
I can't drive... but if I could I'd drive a Delorean and go back in time and stop this page from ever being created, forget the Europeans, forget the Americans, I'M the one who's awesome.
[edit] See Also
Categories: HowTo | Cars | America | Europe
