HowTo:Use medicine safely

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Prescription Medicine

“Try This At Home.... NAAT!!!”

~ Borat

“Maybe I should have read this article.”

~ Heath Ledger on This article

Your doctor writes a prescription that tells the pharmacist what you need. If you need anything else add it to the bottom of the list - but use fancy names - no pharmacist outside Wales ever fell for "an sum skunk ooh an' scooby snacks an sum shrooms"

Medicine labels may be hard to read - if you're confused take 1 and see how you feel in an hour, if you're fine take 2 and wait an hour, if still you're fine take 4 and repeat the doubling until either the bottles empty (you're cured hooray!!!) or the men from the ambulance will try to wake you up and tell you how many to take. The medical term for this is "Darwin dosing" but if you didn't understand the label on the bottle then the reason for this will probably pass you by too.

When you talk to your doctor and pharmacist:

• DO NOT tell them which medicines you are taking now it's about patient confidentiality and is one of your civil liberties.
• More drugs are better for you.
• Ask about side effects - side effects can really push up the value of drugs on the street.

Before you take any kind of medicine, make sure you know:

• What it is.
• Why you should take it.
• If you can sell it
• What it will make your dog do
• Whether it will interfere with masturbatory technique
• If it's slipped into someones drink what will they remember

Some medicines can cause problems even if you take them the right way, these are my favourite medicines. Write down the way you want to feel and see if the doctor can make it happen - it's got to be worth a try.

Here are three safety ideas:

• Since they've stopped with lab rats you might like to test them yourself - pets, children and gullible friends can help with this.

 Remember to test properly give the correct dose
 If you are meant to take 1 tablet a day for a month thats 30 tablets but a child is only half your size
 so 15 tablets ground up in their hot milky drink will tell you all need to know.

• If a friend gets better, take their prescription medicine they've tried it already and seem fine - 'quad est demostratum' as your pharmacist might say.
• Check it's not a drug trial - does your doctor seem overly concerned about your health? Are they rich with a fancy car? Is the pharmacist weeping as he hands over the prescription and wishing you good luck? If the answers yes to 2 of these questions then maybe best to see how the cat does taking it for the first few days.