HowTo:Write an average Uncyclopedia article
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| HowTo This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series. See more HowTos |
There are many aspiring would-be-Uncyclopedians who simply do not know where and how to start. This HowTo page offers the standard guidelines that are used by most contributors to Uncyclopedia.
Contents |
[edit] What an average article must include
An average article must involve at least eight (preferably all) of the following. To 'involve' means here 'to be mentioned'. An article cannot be funny without the following:
Anyone bearing the name Hitler will do, although the more Hitlers are mentioned, the funnier the article gets. The same goes for Jesus and various "Darth" personalities. Complete lists of all Hitlers, Jesii and Darth people are available as templates below.
- Jesus
- Oprah
- George W. Bush
- Nazi
- Oscar Wilde
- Darth Vader
- World War III
- Terrorist
- Dr. Phil
- Oprah
- Squirrels
- God
- Oprah
- Hitler
- Chuck Norris
- Russian Reversal
- Jesus
- Your Mom
Bear in mind we said 'average article', so if you want your article to be average, be sure to include them as much as you can. Other useful albeit optional characters include Saddam Hussein (who should be referred to as "Saddam") and Osama bin Laden.
| Hitler in General |
| Persons named Hitler |
| Other Hitlers |
| Imitation Hitlers |
| Could be Hitler (due to vowel orthogonality) |
| Fear their wrath, and beware their contrived names. If you are still confused about which one you want, you were probably much better off with Original Jesus. | |
| Monster Jesii | |
|---|---|
| Jesusaurus Rex: The tyrant Jesus...lizard | Save yourself from Werejesus! |
| DinoJesus: Nazareth Park is frightening in the dark | And they said Jesus rode on a Mule...Nyah!:Llama Jesus |
| Attack of the 500 foot Jesus: Demolishing non-blessed skyscrapers -- New York, watch out! | When there's no more room in Heaven...: Zombie Jesus |
| Jesus-Sonic: Lord and Savior of Hedgehogs and Sega gaming. | The multidimensional, Scientological king of rodents: King of the Shrews |
| Munchie Jesii | |
| Jeez-Its: Orange, crunchy, and fun to eat! Get your own box. | Savour the Saviour: Cheese Jesus |
| Jesus Juice: An Energy Drink...that's Divine! | Oh, where have all the Jesii gone? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you: Hershey's Jesii and Creme |
| Jam Jesus: With a name like 'Jam Jesus', it has to be good. | Finally, something on a stick the whole family can enjoy!: Sweet Jesus on a Stick! |
| Mecha Jesii | |
| Cyborg Jesus: Retrofit by God after death | Domo arigato, señor: Robot Jesus |
| JESUS 9000: "Open the Pearly Gates, JESUS."
"I'm sorry, Dave, but I'm afraid I can't do that." | Gets your soul white, white, WHITE!: All-Purpose Jesus |
| Optijesus Prime: Saviour of the transformers | |
[edit] Choosing a topic
Now when you know what to mention, it's the time to choose your topic. Think of a celebrity and add "Zombie" to his name. This is a good and original way of inventing genuinely funny articles. Another way is to think of any word and add Jesus after it. For a hipster-inspired twist, try "Messiah", especially after a noun or abstract quality (e.g. Racecar Messiah).
[edit] A list of celebrities currently available for Zombie articles
- Zombie John Wayne
- Zombie Britney Spears
- Zombie Prince Charles
- Zombie Brad Pitt
- Zombie Madonna
- Zombie Marx
- Zombie George W. Bush
- Zombie Your Mom
- Zombie Oprah
- Zombie Dr. Phil
- Zombie Charles Nelson Reilly
- Zombie Pol Pot
[edit] Content
Content is the easiest part. Every seventh word of an average Uncyclopedia article should be a (preferably American) celebrity name, mostly the ones mentioned above. The remaining six words are not as important. They could include something about blowing up, blowing to pieces, killing, dying, and sexual perversions.
[edit] Style
Huh?
[edit] Structure
Structure tends to be overvalued. It's the random celebrity names that count. If you feel like dividing your article into separate sections called chapters you may do it. It's optional, but if you do so, you must think of a good headline. No matter what the chapter is about, the headline should include something dramatic like war, civil war, ultimate demise, explosion, World War XVIII, the damned, rising from the grave, zombie, curse, apocalypse, or George W. Bush Murders Space Aliens With Oprah in Hollywood!!!!!!!!. Exclamation marks are not to be used economically.
[edit] Quotes
No average Uncyclopedia article is complete without quotes from at least three of the following: Oscar Wilde, Steve Ballmer, Kanye West, Friedrich Nietzsche, or God. If you can include all of them, so much the better. Ideally, the finished article should have more quotes than actual content. Also see the tip on templates below.
[edit] Illustrations
Illustrations should be as vomit-inducing and irrelevant to your topic as possible. Select your illustrations with a view to getting Uncyclopedia readers fired or arrested merely for loading the thumbnail version. Use Microsoft Paint for that extra-professional editing job.
[edit] Now What?
After doing all this, you don't need to check your text once. It's bound to be funny and original if you've followed the guidelines provided in this article. Add as many templates as you can, even if they seemingly have nothing to do with your article.
The more templates an article has, the funnier it is.
If you have written an article strictly following these guidelines, you are truly a world class humorist and comedian. If you feel the article is finished, immediately exit Uncyclopedia and shut down your computer. Do not, under any circumstances, click the "Save page" button below the editing space. It is merely a scam to distract newcomers to Uncyclopedia.
Categories: HowTo | Hitler | Jesus
