HowTo:Survive a Horror Movie

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Okay, first thing's first. Determine whether or not you are actually in a horror movie. Let's weigh the factors:

  • You are, most likely, a bored teenager with nothing to do.
  • You are, most likely, considerably worthless to society.
  • You are, most likely, an idiot.
  • You have, most likely, attracted the attention of a maniac in the past 24 hours.
  • You, for no reason in particular, are looking up hints on how to survive in a horror movie.

What do you think?

Contents

[edit] General Rules to Follow

The following rules apply universally to nearly all horror movies. Print them out and keep them in your wallet. Glance at them every five minutes or so. Memorize them, and murmer them incessantly.

  1. No sex. At all. To be safe, no masturbation, either, and do not get naked.
  2. No drugs or alcohol.
  3. Never go out to investigate strange noises.
  4. Never split up when you are in a large group.
  5. Never say, "I'll be right back," because you won't.
  6. Never watch a horror movie while you are in a horror movie.
  7. Remember that dark alleys and basements are under no circumstances "safe zones".
  8. Neither mock nor laugh at death or monsters. They hear all and will take vengeance.
  9. Immediately run if you hear any of the following phrases: "A boy's best friend is his mother," "Here's Johnny," "I see dead people," "Let Jesus fuck you," "Thinner," "A census taker once tried to test me," or, "I wanna play a game".
  10. If your car just happens to stall while near an old mansion in the rain in a rural area, it was probably planned.
  11. Don't take a shower, because some whacko will probably be right there waiting. (The perv!)
  12. Just stay away from summer camp.
  13. FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!! FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!!
  14. Strange noises are never "just the cat". For the love of God, you don't even own a cat!
  15. Avoid plaid shirts like mad.
  16. Zombies take advantage of falling. Pay attention to the ground at all times.
  17. Pay attention to the crazy old guy, town drunk or scientist. They all have useful advice.
  18. Screaming acts as a magnet for the mentally unstable.
  19. Curses do not have a "sell by" date. Being on an ancient Indian graveyard will not help this.
  20. Stick to a location near other people. Ever wondered why maniacs target log cabins?
  21. Someone has escaped from the local prison? You might wanna tune into that report.
  22. If you anger a gypsy, make it your number one priority to make peace immediately.
  23. As a rule of thumb, any place other than your house is not safe.
  24. Come to think of it, your house isn't too safe, either. Try building a panic room.
  25. Oh, wait, never mind.
  26. MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER! MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!!!
  27. When a scary ventriloquist dummy turns up in the mail, don't leave it in your room, get the hell out of your house!
  28. Easygoing nice guys with monosyllabic first names, their girlfriends, and children all automatically win in the end.
  29. In contrast, slutty goth bitches, fat deputies, and jocks never do.
  30. If you are lucky enough to, oh, say, knock out a madman with a shovel -- for the love of God don't drop the shovel and run away. You STAY there and BEAT HIS ASS DEAD WITH THAT SHOVEL.
  31. Listen to the audience; they are way smarter than you will ever be.
  32. Go for the eyes. Psycho killers are unnerved when you kick them in the groin, unless they're pussies.
  33. Do not take this so called "shortcut".
  34. If you do, take a close look at the bloody cars in the pit and keep a gun in your pocket.
  35. The police are useless and will distract you. Throw a donut off a cliff to get rid of these pests, make sure you get their guns first.
  36. If you are in a forest with wood stick figures, you're screwed. Might as well kill yourself.
  37. If a little kid tells you that he saw a ghost or a scary man, BELIEVE HIM!!!
  38. Pay attention to musical cues.
  39. ANOTHER MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER! ANOTHER MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!!!!
  40. If you're black, you will have the best advice, but you will become the scapegoat and die first anyway.
  41. On the plus side, you get to say "motherfucker" a lot while you're still around.
  42. Watch out for twist endings.
  43. HOLY SHIT, LOOK BEHIND YOU!!!!
  44. Ha! Gotcha.
  45. If the killer has a mask of some kind, tear it off. Somehow this has a greater priority over killing them.
  46. Say "fuck" a lot. It helps build tension.
  47. Above all, just use your basic common sense.
  48. Oh, wait . . .
  49. Don't scream or your ass is cooked.
  50. Huge boobs spell death.
  51. Since the audience won't care enough to remember your name anyway, consider name tags.
  52. YET ANOTHER MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!! YET ANOTHER MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!!
  53. Do not fall asleep. Ever.
  54. Consider the possibility that you've been dead since the movie began.
  55. Or maybe you are the killer!
  56. If an item has "evil"/"demonic"/"cursed"/etc in its name/description, this is NOT your cue to start playing with it.
  57. The previous rule goes DOUBLE for any sort of "Puzzle box", especially one that is said to open up a portal to Hell.
  58. Never trust a wish-granting device/person in a horror movie; either the wish will come true with some horrible, ironic twist, or it will exact a terrible price (e.g. your SOUL, your kidneys, your genitals, all three, etc.)
  59. The full moon is not a good time to go out and "watch the stars in the country".
  60. Stay out of phone booths.
  61. Be extra extra careful in any movie subtitled "The Final Chapter"; they'll try to squeeze in a higher body count.
  62. Don't tell people the rules! Just let them die and get the fuck away from Ghostface, Randy, you bitch!
  63. If you happen to be Paris Hilton, run around in circles out in an open field, yelling, "Oh, someone save me!" This way the killer can go after your retarded ass, buying time for everyone else. Why? 'Cause most of the world considers you a bloody waste of oxygen, slut.
  64. All things considered, wouldn't you really be doing the world a favor by dying, anyway?
  65. HOW MANY MULTIPLES OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER WILL WE GO THROUGH??? HOW MANY MULTIPLES OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER WILL WE GO THROUGH???
  66. Never hide around the corner. The killer can still see the camera pointing at you.
  67. If you have a gun and see something mutating, do not stare, SHOOT IT!
  68. If you kill one small creepy slug/spider/incect thingy, it will have either lots of friends or a big mama near by to kill you.
  69. make sure to wear contacts, glasses will fall off the worst of times.
  70. Fog and night is your worst enemy, so stay in the sun as long as possible.
  71. Always have someone sit in the back seat of your car, so that the evil ghost chasing you will not appear their, and tell you if there is the murderer in the car.
  72. Lure aliens somewhere else with food. Failing food, throw an unliked member of your party in front of them and run. Failing an unliked member of your party, convince the alien to go vegan.
  73. OH MY GOD SERIOUSLY LOOK BEHIND YOU!!!
  74. Shit, how many times are you gonna fall for that?
  75. Do not shower or take a bath, stay far away from the bathroom, or yo will be pwned.
  76. Didn't we already cover that? Ah who cares...
  77. Do not watch any videos that your friends beg you to watch, it is cursed.
  78. OKAY THIS IS GETTING OLD!!!!!OKAY THIS IS GETTING OLD!!!!!
  79. If your TV/Computer/PSP is cursed and a ghost is coming through, turning it off will not stop it, nor unplugging, so... break the screen.
  80. If a place looks old and haunted, it defently is.
  81. Do not run, you will trip, break your leg, and the villain will catch you, the slasher knows you will, that is why they never push themselfs.
  82. God will not help you, ever.
  83. After killing the monster, stab it a couple times more just to make sure it's dead.
  84. Avoid picking up hitchikers. At all costs.
  85. After someone says "Look behind you!" and is just teasing you, when they say it again, be sure to run as fast as you can. Do not say the words "I'm not falling for that stupid trick one more time" or any variation on those words.

[edit] Final Destination movies

Let's say you were you having lots of fun at a party, then someone had a vision that you were all gonna die, started freaking out, got you and your friends kicked out, and then the accident in the vision actually happened. Congratulations! You have out-witted the Grim Reaper! However, he will come back to get his revenge, killing you in the most gruesome way possible for some . . . reason . . .

To survive the movie, avoid all of the following things that Death could use to kill you:

  • Barbed wire near tankers
  • Cars
  • Railroad tracks
  • Cars stalled on said railroad tracks
  • Wood chippers
  • Construction site
  • Anything flammable
  • Firearms
  • Sharp instruments
  • Guys in black robes with scythes
  • Bathrooms
  • Roads
  • Hot tea
  • Cold vodka
  • Computers
  • Broken mugs
  • That little thing on the end of the shoe lace
  • Bricks
  • Routes with a truck holding logs
  • And tankers
  • And other trucks
  • Hookman! The super [anti]hero who uses his hooks to rip people!
  • PVC piping
  • Jaws of life
  • Incompetent firemen holding said jaws of life
  • Life support machines with the plug near the door
  • Barbecue grills
  • Gyms
  • Hydraulic nail guns
  • Rakes
  • Subways
  • Heavy weights
  • Hardware stores
  • Tanning beds
  • Elevators
  • Drive-trough restaurants (especially McDonalds)
  • Fire escapes (especially when added with spagetti)
  • Billboards
  • Snakes
  • Planes
  • Motherfucking snakes on motherfucking planes
  • Horses
  • Gang bangs
  • Carnivals (especially those with horses)
  • Flagpoles (especially those from carnivals with horses attached to said horses)
  • Ladders
  • Anything with butane, propane, or just plain gasoline
  • Bonfires
  • Sean William Scott
  • Hannah Montana
  • Ryan Merriman
  • Straight to DVD Disney Movies
  • Trains
  • Roller-Coasters
  • Pigeons
  • Your enemies
  • Your parents
  • Your significant other (most likely not applicable)
  • Everyone apart from other would be victims
  • Bad teenage American actors posing as friends
  • Timed matches
  • Items
  • Characters who are not anthropomorphic foxes
  • Pretty much everything
  • Air?
  • Your girlfriend

If you manage to play it safe (yeah, right) and get rescued from a near-death situation, that means that Death has skipped you. Of course, he'll come back for you later with a different attempt . . . and then again . . . and if you do live, you're sure to die in the sequel . . . then there's the DVD features where viewers can horribly kill you in other ways . . . I guess you're pretty much fucked.

[edit] Zombie movies

  1. Completely destroy the entire zombie. Not just the head, because the body can move without one. Even leaving an arm intact is a fatal mistake.
  2. If there's a horde of zombies, it's pretty much every man for himself. Just hide out in the mall or something and load up on shotguns.
  3. Even if you do survive till the end, do not yell "Hey, I'm okay!" unless you like getting headshot.
  4. Avoid old men with chain saws on a hard left turn. Hell, have your own chainsaw just in case.
  5. Shoot any zombie that one of your fellow surivers says, "that is my mom/sister/dad/dog/mailman", because they will try to let them in and save them, will bring all of the other zombies with it.
  6. Burning zombies will not kill them, only make you deal with flaming undead instead of just regular zombies.
  7. Pretend to be the undead, zombies are easily fooled.
  8. A brisk walk will out run any zombies, unless in any film made after 2000, because people want fast zombies.
  9. If their is a person still caring a virus from the last outbreak but not zombiefied, shoot instantly, they always cuase the next infection.
  10. Stay away from populated areas, since what would zombies like better, one brain, or a city of brains.
  11. Stay around idiots, Zombies love big brains.

[edit] Saw movies

Consider the following scenario: you have woken up in some strange house or factory, and you have no idea where you are, and the last thing you remember is being freaked out by a scary clown doll running around your dark apartment for no particular reason, and you've been told that there's a slow-acting poison in your system. How do you escape?

Well, for one thing, it depends what trap you're in, if you have to cut a hole in your husband/wife/wive's stomach/s, you probably would win. But if you had to poke an ice pick in your eye you'd probably lose.

And if you get stuck in a house with plaster walls, don't sit there and complain, KICK IT DOWN! you sissy!

The important thing is to keep your head and don't fight with the other people locked with you. If you fight, you're dead. The guy who put you here wants to teach you some lesson, about getting along with people and not spiking on speed, or something like that, so play nice. Pay attention to the clues left for you. If the guy tells you to cut out your eye, just DO IT! That's why you have two.

If all else fails, remember: follow your heart (i.e. shove your hand in the shitty toilet bowl).

[edit] Movies with a Psycho Murderer out to Get You

No matter how many times you hit, stab, or shoot the guy, he'll keep coming back until the very end, and even then there's a sequel. To kill him, you must first sever his arm, then the continuity will be ruined stopping umpteen sequels from being made. NOTE 1: To do this, you must completely sever both arms, if you sever only a few fingers, the sequel will use retcon to ignore this, if you sever a hand or one arm, the killer will just come back with a hook-arm. NOTE 2: Until the movie is actually over, the killer will still be able to get you with what little limbs he still has. Remember even if you die you will have saved countless oversexed, personality-lacking 30-year-old teenagers from pointless, gory deaths. On second thought, don't ya think that would be kinda fun to watch? NOTE 3: This does not work on wishmasters, demons, Freddy Kruegers, and Chuckys.

One other way to get rid of a killer is to chop aforementioned killer into bite-sized chunks. Set fire to those pieces then scatter the ashes across the four seas. But, if the movie's shitty and there's a sequel planned, he might come back as a spirit, possess other people and try to kill you. NOTE 4 You must also do this to all their lovers/girlfriends/wifes/family members as they will probably come after you later too.

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