Howard Stern
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Bobbahh bouey! Bobbahh bouey!”
~ Peter Griffin on Howard Stern's Penis.
Howard "A or K" Stern is a successful radio star who invented everything and was thought to have married the late great American Princess Anna Nicole Smith. He has authored many books including Penis, How I Overcame Homosexuality, and Winston Churchill: The Early Years. He spends his days in a cramped studio (2 X 2) with an obese Wop who is now deceased (Artie Lange), a Martian (Fred Norris), an obese dumb chimp (Gary Dell'Abate), a kangaroo (anyone else that isn't Benjy Bronk, who smells dogs' anuses) and the gargantuan, black, obnoxious, cackling, big floppy-titted Robin Ophelia Quivers.
Contents |
[edit] Early life
Born to a pelican and a Jewish woman, Howard had an interesting upbringing. Howard Stern has no actual penis, due to an accident in which a rabbi cut off his penis at a bris after spending hours trying to find it with a microscope. Due to this horrifying accident, Stern's nose took the place of his penis, and grows to the size of seven inches when fully erect. Because of this trauma, Howard was not a popular child and spent his life from the age of 4 watching TV, masturbating, playing with dolls, and masturbating to TV (mostly Gilligan's Island's Mary Anne) and dolls all at once. Stern has not known to have killed babies in his youth through adulthood, but he is currently engaged to an infant named Beth Ostrosky aka BethO.
[edit] Career in radio
Howard Stern started his career as a field worker, picking up strawberries with his huge nose. He also worked as a correspondent on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. He would later have his own radio show called the The Howard Stern Show. Basically the show was more or less a rip-off of Jay Leno's show. Howard denied he ever took anything from Jay Leno or the very edgy Ryan Seacrest, though Howard did steal guitarist Kevin Eubanks from the Tonight Show and hired him as a news reporter.
Even with some edgy elements, such as "Howard Walking" where Howard goes out on the street and interviews people, for the most part the show is family-friendly with pointed discussions on the "attack on American family" with these Leftist views. Howard Stern has had mild success as a childrens' book writer, radio DJ, and board member of the FCC. He fights for childrens' rights despite the fact that he is engaged to marry his live-in two-year-old infant, BethO.
In August 2007, his name was flashed all over the headlines when Stern was caught in an airport mens restroom trying to purchase sex with a male undercover cop. The media uncovered that this isn't the first time he was caught with his pants down. In fact, he has admitted to leaving his pants down in front of Dubya Bush and Leo Chen. Pictures surfaced of his assistant Ralph shaving his belly, then many pictures of his lover Jimmy Kimmel on vacation together. Howard denied everything and was forced to propose to his long time beard (fiance/infant) Beth Ono. Unfortunately, since Howard spent most of his money on convincing his fiance to stay with him, while building his house in the Hamptons, his show is actually just filler of Fred doing Howard impressions, the late Artie Lange eating fudge, Robin Quivers's chortling, and Crazy Alice screaming and ranting incoherently.
[edit] Current career
Howard Stern currently does a show from the moon. It is the same moon that Fake Governor Arnold Terminator was going to blow up, before Stern decided to purchase the moon for about $15 million (US). The show is called "Howard Stern Has Fucked His Fans Again 2008." Still, the fucker spends more time with his dick down down BethInfant's throat in the Hamptons. Howard currently works 6 hours per Sirius Radio subscription year, resulting in many subscribers scratching their heads, but still listening to Masturbate Theater. So far, no one has mounted a revolution. They just sit there and watch their money trickle away into this asshole's coffers. Way to go, people! Sadly, by the time satellite radio has a large enough audience to be considered relevant in 10 years, Stern will be retired and banging BethO, because that plan makes perfect sense.
According to the American TV tabloid show Daily 10 (E! Channel) in July 2008, Stern was saddened to hear that his vacation buddies, late-night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel and actor-comedian Sarah Silverman, had just ended their relationship. He then suffered a nervous breakdown in his New York City penthouse. As Don Imus reported, "...[Stern] now walks around Central Park in a daze without his longhair wig, bald, crying, and looking like his 90-year-old daddy."
[edit] The Conspiracy
For many years, Stern fans have conspired to propagate the myths that Howard Stern invented radio, breathing, the concept of angles, the color orange, and Don Imus; that anyone finds Donald Trump fascinating; that rappers make for an insightful and thought-provoking interview; and that Robin Quivers is in any way remotely attractive (as displayed in numerous parody/tribute songs and phone calls) despite her obesity, her handicap of being born without any natural talent (failing her uncanny darts skills), her fifth nipple, and the fact that her voice (if heard at the right frequency) will shrivel a pair of testicles in 7.82826 seconds.
[edit] Trivia
- Stern ran for President of the United States in 2000. He got three votes while he got the state of Alaska on his "no new strippers" platform.
- He had a restraining order against Terri Schiavo, calling her a "dangerous woman."
- His mother continuously checked his temperature using an anal thermometer/chocolate dildo from the age of 3 to 35, thus causing Howard's interracial fetish.
- Stern spent a considerable amount of time trying to convince Rosie O'Donnell to go on a diet, but was never able to. He considers this to be his greatest failure, aside of his marriage, or failing to shag Donald Trump.
- In 2012, Howard Stern will start his own Maharishi cult, only to have it and himself become ancient history after a scuffle with the ATF and FBI.
- Many famous characters are based on of Howard Stern, including: Toucan Sam, Gonzo, Arthur the Aardvark, Peppa Pig, Kelly Ripa, George W. Bush, Billy Graham, Mr. Rogers, Barney and Horton the Elephant.
- His actual height is 33 ft 7 in (0.62 m).
- Even though the majority of Howard's audience are males, age 12 to 54, he hates and often denounces fast food, video games, adult cartoons, and adolescents with wangs bigger than his own. This is a famous paradox, often meditated upon only by the highest and most enlightened order of Buddhist Monks — or drunken frat boys.
- An anagram of "Howard Stern" is "Trash Wonder".[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]
- Another anagram of 'Howard Stern' is 'Rwanda.'
- Howard's nose is at such a length, it can be use an effective tripod and a surveying tool.
- Widely considered to be the first known human to be engaged to a horse (BethO).
[edit] Quotes
- "HEY NOW!"
- "Hoo hoo"
- "Yeah, so this product is called Beecuticles?"
- (On his show) "So you two broads are twin sisters, and you're going to get naked, make out and feel each other up, right here on my show? Okay, I can't wait to see that, right after this commercial break for 'Viso-Derm'! Ahhhh, 'Viso-Derm,' I love it almost as much I love your breasts."
- "Now that I can say whatever I want, nobody wants to listen to it..."
- "Naked chicks doing sexy things! What? They can't see them?"
- "How are Bob Dylan's ratings?"
- "Is it Gellerr or Gellarr?"
- "Strippers are excellent conversationalists."
- "Opie and Anthony? Where! They don't even have a page! They got a 0.0 in Vegas
- "Is it in?"
- "How are Ellen's ratings?"
- "Actually, I preferred Mrs. Howell. Now the Professor...."
- "How do I enter the 'Running of the Jew' ?"
- "My dog's better than your dog ..."
- "How are Imus's ratings now? Whoa ha ha ha!"
- "No. I said, "(Former FCC Commissioner) Michael Powell is a happy headed bro' ! "
- "How are the weather's ratings?"
- "My Kung-Fu is better."
- "No dairy please, I'm Hindu."
- "Don't be gay you fag!!"
[edit] See also
[edit] External links
- CNN Phone call made by the FCC to tarnish Stern's good name
- Another phone call
- Howard Stern A ton of prank calls.
- BestStern Board Home of the famous "The Prick"
v d Genealogy of You Know Who (also known as the Jedi family) Obi-Wan Kenobi | Woody Allen=Jenna Jameson | --------------------------------------------------- | | | Christ=Antichrist Village idiot=Lulu Oscar Wilde=Buffy the Vampire Slayer | | | ------------------------------- Howard Stern Yoko Ono=Godzilla | | | Clark Kent=Princess Diana Minnie Mouse=Fyodor Dostoevsky 早安+大家好 |-Adolph Hitler | | |-Uncle Sam Pakistan Your Friend's Mom=You Know Who |-Wonder Woman | To be continued...
