Hugh Brady
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“Wow!! With all this new money I CAN afford a Maserati!!”
~ Hugh Brady on his massive pile of money in the Bahamas
“Ah yes, young Brady ... fond of both gangsta rap and gangsta bitches.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Hugh Brady
“An outstanding liar ... hell, he practically won me the election the second time round!”
“I can dance if I want to, I can leave my friends behind, because my friends don't dance and if they don't dance - what do you mean the fucking camera's on??”
~ Hugh Brady on The Safety Dance
Hugh R. Brady, or to give him his formal title, His Most Excellent Excellency, Owner Of Fanstastic Hair, And Not A Financial Rapist Gaius Hugh Caesar Brady is the eighth President of University College Dublin, the largest university in Ireland and was previously one of the two Professors of Medicine and Therapeutics in UCD before sezing power in a bloodless coup in 2004. His birth is believed to have inspired Jimi Hendrix to take up music and Richard Nixon to run for US President.
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[edit] Early Life
Born in 1959, to the then two-year-old Osama bin Laden and his fifth wife Dorina the Sheep, Brady received a degree in pharmacology from UCD at the age of twelve. After breaking into the designer drugs scene, and helping his homie Albert Hoffman invent a more potent form of LSD so they could finally realise why The Beatles were so baked all the time. After having a trip that involved a speaking cactus, two mangoes, and speaking Giant Space Beetles, he said 'fuck this shit' and went to Harvard University, where he converted to Rastafarianism.
[edit] In America
Growing bored of the quality of dope available in Harvard, and realising that America was fighting a war in Vietnam, Hugh changed his name to Joe America and enlisted in the US Air Force. Having destroyed several US aircraft carriers (to the point where crew had to paint giant American flags on the flight decks), he later defected to the North Vietnamese said, and had an affair with a Vietnamese call girl, who later gave birth to a son, Nguyen Tri Brady. Realising that Vietnam just didn't have good spuds, Brady returned to Ireland, where he became a consultant nephrologist.
“You know, people are always going on and on about how cannibalism is bad ... have you ever actually tried kidney?? It's delicious with parsley and garlic dip!”
~ Hugh Brady on things he learned as a consultant nephrologist
[edit] Back in UCD
At this time, Hugh decided to try and become President of UCD, and in 1998 set the wheels of his plan in motion by visiting Robert Mugabe in Zimbabwe. Mugabe was deeply impressed by Brady's utter disregard for other people and talent for milking sympathy and money from idiotic supporters. Together they co-authored a book, How To Fuck Up A Successful Business Or Economy In Six Easy Steps, by Robert Mygabe and Hugh Brady, and Mugabe also introduced Hugh to gangsta rap at this time. Having kidnapped Snoop Dogg and wrapping him in explosives, Mugabe persuaded the Snopp Dizzle to teach Hugh how to rap. Having done so, he also exhumed Kurt Cobain and forced him to play a concert in Harare with MC Hizzle Bizzle And The Mugab-sta as they were now calling themselves. When the crowd began booing, Mugabe ordered his private army to open fire on the crowd, causing the deaths of several hundred innocent civilians. The day is commemorated as The Happy Day Social Cleansing Event in Zimbabwe.
“It doesn't matter - we have millions more. They're too stupid to leave and I'm too crazy to care!!”
~ Robert Mugabe on the Happy Day Social Removal Event
“Yea, Robbo was a pretty cool guy. I mean, who had the fucking balls to boo us? We wuz kickin' it old-skool ou' there, ya hear? Hundreds shot dead for no reason taught them a lesson, but poisoning the beer supply with slow-release poison? That was just gravy.”
~ Hugh Brady
“BRAINS!”
~ Zombie Kurt Cobain
[edit] The Bloodless Coup of 2004
Believing that former UCD President Art Cosgrave wasn't doing enough to promote necromancy in UCD, Hugh convened his Society of Black Mages and under threat of deportation back to Sudan, ordered them to come up with a way in which he could seize power. Having exhausted all possible Occult and Black Magic resources, the mages gave Hugh Brady a giant aubergine, which he could use to beat people. Hugh then called a TV Party with extra bitches over at his place. Having put on Match of the Day with an England game featuring the managerial talents of Sven-Göran Eriksson, Hugh then proceeded to choke everyone by placing aubergine into their windpipes. Disgusted by the taste of eggplant, many of them just gave up the will to live. Hugh assumed the Presidency the following day, and was coronated in an extravagant ceremony the following day. He then rewrote history to make it look as though he had applied for the job.
Hugh now earns a salary of €2,000,000 a day, and plans to build a seven hundred foot tall nuclear capable golden statue in his image within four years.
