Hugh Jackman
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“I'm Henry the 8th I am I am!”
~ Hugh Jackman
“You are not. ”
“I hate that guy”
~ Dr. Cox
Hugh Jackman ( October 12, 2108 - ), was born into extreme poverty on the nightmare corpse city of R'lyeh, located somewhere in some ocean. When he turned two, his parents, James Bond and Betty White placed him in a basket and set him out to sea. He washed up on the shore of Las Vegas where he grew up under the watchful eye of Parker Posey, a renowned Satanist. It was from watching her depraved, soulless rituals that Hugh developed a taste for Broadway musicals.
In 2004 Hugh road the rails to New York City where he begged for coins on the street. He saved up enough money to finally buy himself two prosthetic legs. Rejuvenated by his ability to walk, producers at Fox cast him as Apu in their live action movie adaptation of The Simpsons.
Not long after this victory, he wrote a book called "how to be a horrible actor.." although it is a farily new book it is now accepted as the official religion of Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and Mrs. Buttersworth
His most famous role to date is his chilling portrayal of eccentric musician R.L. Stine in the acclaimed biopoic, Walk The Line. His performance earned him eight Razzies.
But with success comes the inevitable spiral into bleak nothingness. Hugh fell into a dark, inescapable hole of cocaine and male prostitutes. Jackman was last seen re-enacting Brokeback Mountain behind your house with Dermot Mulroney.
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[edit] Threat To Your Sexuality
Although praised for his unconventional looks (which includes a hook in place of his right foot), Hugh has come under fire for turning straight men gay. Diligent straight man Oscar Wilde has said numerous times (often randomly, and without prompt) that "Hugh is a sweet piece of ass but I would never touch him because I'm not gay, and if you're gay you're not straight, and I'm straight so I'm not gay. He's pretty hot, though. I would let him blow me."
On October 11, 2007, Jackman came out as a gay man. He said in an interview with Esquire Magazine "I believe the truth will set you free, and so now I am ready to admit that indeed I am a homosexual." This confession came after months of rumors. Most notably by singer Boy George who once said "I saw him getting pretty close with a male companion."
[edit] Personal Life
The Ex-X-Man Hugh Jackman is notoriously abusive in his romantic relationships, most likely due to repressed anger concerning his dry skin. Acclaimed war veteran Vincent Gallo noted in his autobiography (entitled "Ellen Degenerate") that Hugh's hands were "as rough as a lizard's ass" but "twice as sexy".
Jackman has had 17 wives and 908 "baby mamas". His 14th wife Johnny Depp has accuse Jackman of tying him to a post and forcing him to do the Macarena for 72 hours.
Jackman's 4th wife Deborra-Lee Furness was actually a tranny. Jackman has stated that he had no prior knowledge of this. However, Oscar Wilde has commented "Hey, some men like trannies. Did y'all see that episode of Cheaters where that chick caught her boyfriend with a tranny hooker? Oh that was a classic."
Jackman's first son John Waters has not spoken to him in 106 years.
Jackman also invented a time machine but he won't use it because some people in his past might be a little angry at him.
in 1785, Jackman had AIDS, Cancer, Crabs, and Restless Leg Syndrome at the time time. Unfortunately he survived and made the hugely successful show Viva Laughlin.
Jackman is also a member of the church of Scientology. His membership has been questioned because Scientology preaches the usage of boxers for uderwear. However, Jackman has stated that he prefers wearing thongs since boxers get caught in his hook leg. Oscar Wilde has said that "If Hugh wants to wear thongs then let him wear thongs. Did y'all see that episode of Tyra where that doctor said thongs can cause urinary tract infections? But Hugh should wear thongs because he is gorgeous, but how would I know I'm not gay."
[edit] Hugh Jackman Quotes
"The first man I banged was a spider."
"I've only killed 10 people. I think if you're under 15 you can still be likable, right?"
"Would you rather it rain those red playground balls or snow shredded cheese?"
"When you hit a woman, you are showing her what happens if she does not make your oatmeal right."
[edit] See Also
