Hummer

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Hummers in popular culture.

Hummers are a very large notorious land mammal capable of traversing nearly anywhere off road. Hummers can be seen traversing between the home and the local grocery store 5 blocks away. The Hummer is a cross between a holy Mammouh and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Hummers are very similar to cars, particularly SUV's, but despite the fact that they have four wheels, 5 doors, a windshield, a steering wheel and what most Hummer salesman claim to be an engine (though it is actually a device which converts gasoline directly into global warming), they are not cars.

[edit] History

The Inventor of the Hummer in a recent television commercial.

Hummers are a derivative of the Humvee, a large US Military project designed to make a very large, slow moving vehicle that runs on a fuel based off the urine of dinosaurs (see petroleum). Hummer 1.0 was introduced by Ronald Reagan as the Volks-SUV in 1984 with many bugs including the high center of death error, viruses and carrying capacity. The idea behind the Volks-SUV was that any rich, right wing patriot could own a very large obnoxious vehicle. Reagan, despite the shitty president that he was, figured he's follow the footsteps of Hitler's Volkswagen project. For the first few months of production, the Hummer corporation was indicted for providing their buyers with free armor-piercing machine guns and grenade launchers when they purchased the "Bang for Your Buck" package, despite the fact that the choice to use these weapons to rob McDonalds, Waffle Houses, JC Pennys, Hummer Dealerships and Fort Knox lay with the Hummer Owner.

[edit] Features

The new H3 shown here with the optional flatbed rear

Hummer corporation owns over 75% of cattle, alligator, and domesticated dog farms in the world. All of these types of livestock are used to make either the leather or upholstery in the vehicle. It takes on average, 20 cows to produce one leather seat in the spacious Hummer. Hummer corporation also mines chrome off several asteroids in space. Most Hummers contain 8 cylinder engines. This is actually not true, most Hummers have 8 barrel engines, cylinder is a misused term. Most Hummers range around 3.14159 feet per litre, or 15 gallons per mile.

[edit] Sexuality

Hummers are attracted to three things: gas stations, service shops and Willem Dafoe.

[edit] Environmental

The New Ultracompact Hummer, designed to compete with the Smart Car. Note: the long length is an optical illusion.

Hummers are larger polluters than any other cause of global warming today. This includes the ash from volcanoes, the smoke from Rush Limbaugh's cigars, and the nuclear radiation from Saddam's Weapons of Mass Destruction.

[edit] Awards

The Hummer is the official mascot of OPEC and the Oil Industry. The Oil Industry has had much success since adopting the Hummer as its official mascot. Last year, the Oil Industry gained the "Largest Source of Government Corruption" award, and the "Screwed the Most Money out of Consumers" award for the 27th year in a row. In 2006 it also achieved the feat of burning the biggest hole in the ozone layer.

[edit] Future

The all new 2008 redesigned styrofoam Hummer made out of environmentally friendly materials.

The truth is, we are running out of oil, and fast! However! President Bush recently announced a new plan to invade Mexico to steal the rest of the world's oil. Mexico's oil will be gone soon after the invasion, so Bush will then seize the tortilla farms and use the corn to make ethanol, another failed innovation. The engine in the Hummer is required by law to increase in size by 8 liters every year until the year 2020.

Cigarettes smoke hummers in the future.[1]

[edit] See also

• Biggest Fuck-Ups of All Time