Hurricane Rita
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[edit] Hurricane Warning
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- 10 AM CDT THU SEP 22 2005: ...A HURRICANE WARNING HAS BEEN ISSUED...
- AT 10 AM CDT...1500Z...A HURRICANE WARNING HAS BEEN ISSUED FROM PORT O'CONNOR TEXAS TO MORGAN CITY LOUISIANA. A HURRICANE WARNING MEANS THAT HURRICANE CONDITIONS ARE EXPECTED WITHIN THE WARNING AREA WITHIN THE NEXT 24 HOURS. PREPARATIONS TO PROTECT LIFE AND PROPERTY SHOULD BE RUSHED TO COMPLETION.
- AT 10 AM CDT...1500Z...A TROPICAL STORM WARNING HAS BEEN ISSUED FROM SOUTH OF PORT O'CONNOR TO PORT MANSFIELD TEXAS. A TROPICAL STORM WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT FOR THE SOUTHEASTERN COAST OF LOUISIANA EAST OF MORGAN CITY TO THE MOUTH OF THE MISSISSIPPI RIVER. A TROPICAL STORM WARNING MEANS THAT TROPICAL STORM CONDITIONS ARE EXPECTED WITHIN THE WARNING AREA WITHIN THE NEXT 24 HOURS.
- AT 10 AM CDT...1500Z...A TROPICAL STORM WATCH HAS BEEN ISSUED FROM NORTH OF THE MOUTH OF THE MISSISSIPPI RIVER TO THE MOUTH OF THE PEARL RIVER INCLUDING METROPOLITAN NEW ORLEANS AND LAKE PONTCHARTRAIN. A TROPICAL STORM WATCH REMAINS IN EFFECT FROM SOUTH OF PORT MANSFIELD TO BROWNSVILLE TEXAS...AND FOR THE NORTHEASTERN COAST OF MEXICO FROM RIO SAN FERNANDO NORTHWARD TO THE RIO GRANDE.
- AT 10 AM CDT...1500Z...A SUICIDE WATCH HAS BEEN ISSUED FOR THE ENTIRE COAST OF THE GULF OF MEXICO FROM THE U.S./MEXICO BORDER EAST TO FLORIDA CITY FLORIDA. A SUICIDE WATCH MEANS BEACHFRONT PROPERTY OWNERS MAY SAY "TO HELL WITH IT" AND OFF THEMSELVES WITHIN 72 HOURS. SUICIDES MAY OCCUR WITH LITTLE OR NO ADVANCE WARNING...AND MAY OCCUR HUNDREDS OF MILES INLAND.
- MAXIMUM SUSTAINED WINDS HAVE DECREASED TO NEAR 1,200 MPH...2,000 KM/HR... WITH HIGHER GUSTS. RITA IS A CATEGORY THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY HURRICANE ON THE SAFFIR-SIMPSON SCALE, AN F12 TORNADO ON THE FUJITA SCALE, A 7.7 EARTHQUAKE ON THE RICHTER SCALE, A KILLER WHALE ON THE FISH SCALE AND A CATEGORY 5 IMPACTOR ON THE TORINO SCALE. IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T GUESSED, NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO SHIT YOURSELF. SOME SLIGHT WEAKENING IS FORECAST DURING THE NEXT 22.5 HOURS BUT RITA IS EXPECTED TO REMOVE A SIZABLE PORTION OF THE GULF COAST.
- IF YOU LIVE IN THE AREA AND HAVE NOT YET EVACUATED, PLEASE PROCEED IMMEDIATELY TO A DESIGNATED SHELTER AREA, MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR GOD AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE MATERIAL WORLD. PSYCH! I WAS JUST SCREWIN WITH YA. RITA IS JUST GOING TO GIVE SOME CAJUNS A BATH WHETHER THEY LIKE IT OR NOT. [1]
“Oh my god, I think it's coming”
~ Oscar Wilde on RITA
“Rita's a Texas girl, just like me”
~ George W. Bush on RITA
“Well there’s floodin’ down in Texas... all of the telephone lines are down”
~ Stevie Ray Vaughan's third prophecy
“Damnit... missed.”
~ God on Houston
[edit] Biography
Hurricane Rita was a cat and environmentalist who married anti-whaling activist Bob Marley on September 18th, 2005 east of Turkey and Kinkos. Her name is believed to stand for Run! Insane Typhoon Ahead!
Rita, best known for her starring role in the educational film Educating Rita, currently holds a recording contract with Floodgate Records.
[edit] Origin
Hurricane Rita was fired at the USA from Fidel Castro's Hurricane Cannon sometime in mid-September 2005. Fidel's Hurricane Cannon is the primary weapon of the Terra group North Atlantic Tropical Ocean, NATO.
"If you contribute to this article, you're contributing to Hurricane Rita. NATO thanks you for your support, without it our programming would not be possible." ~ Castro
[edit] History
Father Jim Weekly, emperor of Key West and editor of the Daily Planet, heralded her birth to crowd of assembled conch by loudly proclaiming "It's a girl!" and "We're looking right now at a Category 2 or 3".
Caught in the propeller of an oil tanker as a child, Rita never forgave the oil industry for the wounds she carries to this day. At age 21, she was born again; a chorus of angels heralded her as the next agent in God's divine plan to repeatedly punish Baptists for his amusement.
Her older sister Katrina famously detonated refinery-filled Nuked Orleans in revenge of George Bush's invasion of New Mexico. Rita looks to be targeting a neighbouring group of refineries, known as Texas and located in George W. Bush's home state of Texaco, for similar reasons.
As of September 21st, 2005, Rita has officially reached gangsta status, and is now a Category 5 storm. According to network administrators, this indicates that flying debris from the storm has reached a velocity of at least 100 million bits per second, so DUCK!
[edit] Rita's intended targets
Hurricane forecasts have become much more accurate over the ages, but there is still some uncertainty. Specifically, it is possible to know exactly where Rita will make landfall and exactly how much chaos she intends to create, but we cannot know both of these things at the same time. This is known as Hindenburgs Uncertainty Principle.
Nonetheless, Rita appears to be angry with the survivors of New Atlantis, perhaps for their failure to save the infamous St. Rita's home from the deadly floodwater which followed Katrina. Rita's annoying habit of singing the love theme from Splash every time she blows past No Orleans is unnerving at best to what was once the local population there.
While most of the New Venice population has fled to the new Moderately New Orleans in Texas, Rita is heading straight for them, fully intending to exact her revenge upon them.
A direct hurricane strike in Texas would also be likely to uproot much useless foliage and many Bushes, an objective which Rita shares with the equally-dangerous Typhoon Hillary (D-NY).
Texans have been hastily building a massive front of hot air in the hopes that the high pressure front will push the storm eastward and away from Houston-Galveston. Louisiana has been using Hurricane Hunter planes, dropping Hurricane drinks into the eye of the storm in order to knock her further off-course. The result has been that Rita is now staggering incoherently, unsure whether to destroy Texas, Louisiana or both.
[edit] Evacuation
The entire population of No Orleans is being evacuated from Megatexas in preparation for Rita's arrival. Many are headed to Arkansas, where they will look for Mall-Wart stores to loot guns in order to arm themselves in defence against her. The rest have fled to the deserts of New New Orleans and New Louisiana.
To St. Louisiana refugees asked to evacuate again, the governor was blunt. "Rita has Louisiana in her sights. Head north. You cannot go east, you cannot go west. If you know the local roads that go north, take those." [2] Of those who refuse to leave, Blanco said: "Perhaps they should write their Social Security numbers on their arms with indelible ink."
Meanwhile, there is almost nowhere left to go.
In Texas, the situation only gets worse. Galveston, an island village wiped out by a previous hurricane just over a century ago with thousands dead, now sits boarded-up as its residents frantically head for the hills.
Whitney Houston City, Texas is also busy evacuating vulnerable and low-lying areas; this time evacuees are invited to bring their pets on the buses as this weather isn't fit for a dog.
Unfortunately, all hotels are full as far as Oklahoma [3] and all roads out of Houston jammed [4] as America begins to realise the impossibility of evacuating a city of three million people , more than a million of which have already fled [5] at the first word that disaster-prone FEMA was in town. [6]
Evacuees are rapidly running out of fuel in the endless traffic jams as they attempt to flee Houston. [7]
- "It's going to take a while. This evacuation is historic in its proportion." - Texas Gov. Rick Perry [8]
- "Pick your suicide. Be in the car or the house, but you're stuck either way." - Scott Owen, an energy management consultant fleeing Rita. [9]
Storms so numerous that only four remained (Stan, Tammy, Vince and Wilma) [10] before the Greek alphabet had to be tapped for names [11] have shaken US confidence so badly that México has had to deploy additional border guards to deal with a sudden influx of thousands of refugees which appeared overnight [12] attempting to flee third-world disaster conditions in the US.
- "This is like a scene from the 'The Day After Tomorrow.' It seems half of Houston is heading to Mexico." - Houston construction worker David Gallegos, one of the US refugees fleeing to Guadalajara [13]
[edit] NASA
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On September 20th, 2005, NASA mission commanders in contact with the International Space Station received their first predictions on the course and progression of Hurricane Rita. Concerned by its growing size, they radioed to Mission Control, in the Johnson Space Center in Houston Texas. [edit] Transcript
Immediately after that, NASA mission control in Houston was closed in preparation for the storm [14]; backup plans have been activated to transfer International Space Station operation to Russian facilities in the event that God and/or his buddy Allah destroy America this time. Russia has assured NASA that they will continue its proud record of bungling all space operations in their absence. The Astrodome and arena, their Astroturf not designed to withstand a direct Category 4 or 5 hit, have also been evacuated. In a desperate attempt to deter the incoming winds,residents of the western gulf area have requested the aide of baseball legend barry bonds, whom is expected to comply with a roid rage against a vengeful god. in an impromptu interview with the legend,Specious National News quoted bonds recently in a statement that readim a gonna git deez windz, if it duh last tang i doo. time for me to take one for the team, as well as my teeny weeny black testes." |
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[edit] Landfall
After burning a hole through downtown Galveston [15], Rita made landfall near 2AM on Saturday, September 24 2005, staggering ashore with 120mph winds at the Sabine Pass on the Texas-Louisiana border.
In the tradition of the British military commanders sending for their red uniforms so that the blood won't show as they soldier on, the mayor of Brownsville TX immediately sent for his brown pants. Meanwhile, true to its name, the town of Lake Charles LA is indeed a lake.
[edit] Damage
[edit] Florida
Rita has already soaked Florida; land promoters have responded by rushing in attempting to sell swampland to local tree-huggers on the pretext that wetlands preservation could reduce the force of this horrible storm.
Chad from Florida was unavailable for comment; Jeb Bush denied responsibility for Rita's actions, insisting "Huh? I didn't vote for her... I thought I voted for Ralph Nader."
Rita also left a rim of salt, tequila, and lime in the Key West. Inquiries are being made about a potential export business.
[edit] Resistance?
Reports indicate that Rita could have done much more damage to the southern states but appearantly was attacked by a group of teenagers with attitude. It is unknown who the teenagers were but one witness chuckled at the fact that the teenager dressed in a black suit was African-American.
[edit] Louisiana
Most of St. Louisiana has already been destroyed by Hurricane Katrina with over a thousand dead [16].
Nonetheless, the worst-hit areas of No Orleans during Katrina are already reflooding, with water waist-deep [17] and rising [18] to be as high as six feet in places [19].
While Rita and the flooding she could cause is bad news, there is almost nothing of value left in Louisiana for her to destroy.
[edit] Texas
Former US president George H. W. Bush has taken a firm stance against Rita and her plans to destroy Texas. "Read my lips," he proclaimed, "No nuked Texans!"
Rita so far has bluntly ignored him. Time to head for the hills...
"We hope and pray that Hurricane Rita will not be a devastating storm, but we got to be ready for the worst" - George W. Bush [20]
"It's like Osama bin Laden's running the weather" - Stephen Cimbala, political scientist, Penn State U. [21]
Fortunately, FEMA has learned the lessons of Hurricane Katrina, and there are absolutely no issues with getting food and water to the people who need them. Right? Or maybe not so much?
"If you have enough policemen to take it from them, take it" - Jefferson County Judge Carl Griffith on the best way to get relief supplies from FEMA [22]
Trent Lott (R-MS), currently homeless and without a porch on which to sit, is preparing to spend the next year promoting federal aid to rebuild President Bush's house.
[edit] Colorado
Current US president Bush El Dos, wary of hanging around either in No Orleans or his Texas ranch, decided to continue his four-year-long vacation in Colorado instead [23]. Pete Coors, one-time Republican candidate for the U.S. Senate [24], immediately gave Bush full tactical control of the nation's critical beer supply.
[edit] Aftermath
  Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that Number Six escapes from The Village, Midna is the Twilight Princess, the tyrannosaur attacks the raptors, letting Grant and the others get away, Borat marries a hooker from Dallas and returns to Kazakhstan with her, M. Bison was the killer of Chun Li's father, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!! |
While displaced No Orleans bartenders have been busy mixing up Hurricane drinks in which survivors can drown their sorrows, Texas Instruments is hastily manufacturing thousands of additional pocket calculators to calculate the aftermath of this terrible storm.
Meanwhile, even if there is anything to come back to, there is no way for those who fled their homes to return as there's no bloody petrol now that Texaco has been evacuated in preparation for the largest disaster to hit Texas since the election of the Bush pair.
The Red Cross appears to be twice as cross as usual, forced to deal with the twin disasters of Rita and her evil twin Katrina.
[edit] Charity Relief
Rod Stewart recorded a single, "Evacuation," to raise funds for the victims of Hurricane Rita. It is a remake of one of his well-known 1980s hits. An excerpt:
- Oh no! Not again!
- The storm's so cruel, I don't understand...
- Evacuation.
- Evacuation!
- (Evacuate me!) E-vac-uation!
- Evacuation!
Unfortunately, the storm has released her own LP, the Voices of Rita, containing voices ranging from Rita McNeil to Rita Coolidge. This disc is proving to be even more of a disaster than the storm itself; Katrina survivors fleeing the Cajundome to escape Rita's wrath have commented that it sounds like a stuck record a stuck rec- and that Rita's CD sounds as if it has Katrina's fingerprint-int-int-int-int-ints all ov-over-er-ver-ov-ov-ov-over-er-er-over it.
[edit] Blame
As usual FEMA received the blame for the poorly executed evacuation. Specifically they were blamed for not constructing the new I-45 extension to North Dakota on time for Rita.
Representative Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) accused the Bush administration of dragging its feet on proposing and constructing the roadway. Said Pelosi: "We knew there was a tropical depression forming and yet the Bush administration did nothing until it was upgraded to Tropical Storm Rita. Even then, they only proposed enough funding to extend I-45 to Kansas. Worse, they failed to begin construction until Rita was already past Key West, almost guaranteeing that the evacuees from Houston would never make it to North Dakota."
Republicans blamed the Democratic mayor of Hitler, North Dakota for refusing to cooperate with their expedited roadbuilding plan. While meteorologists have run out of storm names for this year's record Atlantic hurricane season (October's Hurricane Wilma completes the series), Americans are running out of names to call their incompetent politicians of all stripes who have bungled all evacuation and relief efforts for every storm.
Satan, meanwhile, claimed to be doing a better job than US authorities in handling evacuation routes. "The road to Hell is wide," insisted the devil's advocate, "and it is paved with good intentions." Satan also claimed Hell has far less flooding than St. Louisiana.
[edit] See also
- Hurricane Katrina
- War on Terra
- UnNews:Media outlets receive chilling hurricane threat tape
- National Weather Service
- Power Rangers
[edit] External links
- NOAA Web Page
- Mandatory evacuation for areas near Corpus Christi TX, Houston-Galveston TX, Lake Charles LA OH NOES!
- Hurricane watch or warning for Corpus Christi, Beaumont-Lake Charles, Brownsville, Galveston-Houston
- Coastal flood watch for Nuked Orleans
- Rita McNeil storm tracker
- NHC's public advisory on Rita and hurricane local statements.
- KHOU-TV and KRIS-TV
- Houston Chronicle
- Water Will Leak (No Orleans radio station)
- We Whack Looters (No Orleans TV station)
| 2005 Atlantic hurricane season |
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Hurricane Dennis - Hurricane Katrina - Hurricane Marguerite - Hurricane Rita - Hurricane Wilma - Hurricane βeta |
