Hwa Chong Institution

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“Hadst I a choice of where I wouldst like to have studied Advanced Gypsy Magick, it wouldst've'd been NASA. But then again, NASA doth not offer Turnip as a third language, so I doth think I wouldst've chosen Hwa Chong Institution.”

~ Conan O'Brien on Hwa Chong Institiution

“You know, before we invented rocks, we had to use pinatas to scratch our 'nads.”

~ Denzel Washington on a plane

“The United States Of America has sent 4 cadets to attack the dick-monsters”

~ George Washington Bush on Hwa Chong Institution

“Simply the best 12 years of my life.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Hwa Chong Institution

“No cookies for Oscar Wilde!”

~ Your mum on Oscar Wilde from Hwa Chong Institution

“Hwa Chong has big tits!”

~ Your dad on Hwa Chong Institution

“Death to the Hwa Chong tits!”

~ Osama on Hwa Chong Institution's tits

"Hadst I known that mine strategies would fail, I wouldst've enrolled in Hwa Chong Institution."

~ Macbeth's final words before being decapitated by Macduff

Originally a sprawling estate built puzzlingly in the middle of an apple orchard, the Hwa Chong Institution was considered bane to many of Silk road traders during the neolithic age due to its hostile, impassable terrain, and the packs of ravenous metronomes that terrorised them and their pack animals. In the late 1910s, torrential rain and the antics of a clockwork monkey resulted in a massive landslide that buried up to 73% of the flourishing metronome population. In fear, the remaining timepieces gave up their tainted occupations and all left home to become travelling acrobats, and the proletariats in the nearby lands were left with a hefty piece of state land they could not afford to use anyway. Then it somehow became a school for students with teachers and stuff.

By 1998, the school had flourished, and continued to reap profits off the cheap slave labour. Its principle exports were grain, textile, ceramic buttons and various paraphernalia of homoerotic nature, though regular forays into such shadier ventures as selling life insurance have been noted since then. As recently as 2004, 46th in the year of our lord, the academy has engaged in hostile takeovers, crushing and assimilating the inhabitants of its college neighbour under its all encompassing wings.

Name	Hwa Chong Institution
Abbreviation	HCI
School Code	4 298 923
Chinese Name	华侨中学
Pinyin	{{{pinyin}}}
Malay	Institusi Hwa Chong
Tamil	{{{tamil}}}
Address	661, Bukit Timah Road, Kingdom Republik Lee 269734
Country	Kingdom Republik Lee
Area	{{{locale}}}
Founded	5:17:21 pm
Type	Grass/Fighting
Session	Satan Humper
Students	Lutherans, Mormons
Levels	Secondary 1 to 4
Colours	Tyson Ritter
Motto	(see "school Motto)
Religion	Bruce Lee
Publications	Several rocks
Yearbook	Wheres Waldo?
Distinctions	{{{award}}}
Website	HwaChong.edu.sg

Contents 1 Overview 2 Population 3 Alumni 4 Campus 5 School Motto 6 School Song 7 School Life 8 Subjects 8.1 Chinese 8.2 English 8.3 Mathematics 8.4 Malay 8.5 Aesthetics 8.6 Infocomm 8.7 The Sciences 8.8 Literature 9 Council 9.1 Consortiums 9.1.1 Aphelion 9.1.2 Pro-Ed 9.1.3 Ortus 9.1.4 iSpark 10 EP3s 10.1 Sports 10.1.1 Sweating 10.1.2 Posing 10.1.3 Judo 10.1.4 Track and Field 10.1.4.1 Jumping Like The Best 10.1.4.2 Throwing Like The Best 10.1.4.3 Running Like The Best 10.1.4.4 Didgeridooing Like The Best 10.2 Uniformed Groups 10.2.1 Scouts 10.3 Performing Arts 10.3.1 Ortusing

Overview

• Hwa Chong Institution is an academical institution situated in the now defunct police state of Copacabana, home to several species of stuff.
• Like its Westernised companion Raffles Institution, it is a premier institution of learning, catering to such subjects as Mathematics, History, Literature, Greek, Free Masonry, Playing the Carillon and Worshipping Jesus.
• However, unlike Havard Univrsity in Zimbabwe, the Hwa Chong Institution does not nurtures true leaders in research, industry and government who have the integrity, wisdom, passion and vision to succeed in the global environment, all the while tapdancing a suave macarena, and serve the Republic of Lee Kingdom with a blend of tradition, innovation, vodka, 1 piece of lemon peel and 50g crushed ice. Serves 5.
• The school itself is situated on a hill, overlooking the school field and an artist's impression of an overweight horse, and houses a couple of farmhouses, a dilapidated shack and a clocktower. The clocktower is an ancient relic, dating back to the black ages, and looks nothing like a tower. Constructed the previous year, much to the chagrin of the administration who, unable to go into the sun, were hapless against the grim hands of fate, it vaguely resembles Harrison Ford if Harrison Ford were a clocktower.
  

  

  Harrison Ford the thespian reprising his iconic role as Peter Parker in the climactic final fight scene in Moulin Rouge

Population

Hwa Chong Institution is also well known for the passionate and often one sided relationships between its teachers and the students, with one party making use of the other's innocence to coerce deviant behaviour. Indeed, some eminent sociologists [Nobody in particular] have noted that Hwa Chong students are often rather more forceful than they need to be, and should be educated better on the proper ways of using whi- Bred on a healthy sustaining diet of "The Epic of Gilgamesh" and cheese bagels, Hwa Chong students tend to achieve physical maturity at the age of 6, mental maturity at never, and have a dire, incurable fetish for creating relatively massive webpages of weak text based absurdist humour.

Alumni

Hwa Chong Institution is famed for producing world class leaders in theatre, public speaking and cow shaving. Most have gone on to achieve great things in life, while others have fallen into the cesspool of cheese fondue that is the rat race

Hwa Chong is proud to count among its alumni:

Sandra Bullock

Mount Rushmore

Saul Hudson

Jerry Seinfeld

William Wallace

Emperor Palpatine

That dentist guy from "Trouble Child"

Hwa Chong's notorious alumni:

Jesse James

Lex Luthor

Vlad the Impaler

Uzumaki Naruto

Alex Ferguson

George W. Bush

The Dixie Chicks

Campus

Hwa Chong Institution is situated on a hill, surrounded by a moat inhabited by crocodiles and old men. Ever since it was destroyed by Hungary and rebuilt in a day, Hwa Chong's exact location has only been privy to select students, teachers and greasy fast food waiters, only to be passed down by word of mouth and scraps of two-ply Kleenex's.

Satellite pictures place it roughly to the left of Moscow, somewhere between the McDonald's and a ticketing booth. After ingesting copious amounts of illegal drugs such as Tic Tac, four artists have put together what the world plus two agrees to be an accepted portrayal of Hwa Chong Institution's campus.

School Motto

They may look like upside down Chinese characters, but its true nature is far more vile, far more hideous than suspected. A grocery list of Shindig Coitus, it has long been the subject of controversy among researchers who feel that Theodore Roosevelt should have been elected the rightful queen of Spain.

A common, and completely factual legend that has been passed down for generations since 1956, described the Agricultural Revolution of China, when many trees revolted against the Shindig’s cruel treatment towards them, which included such heinous crimes generally not condoned by the Geneva Conventions as murder, manslaughter, homicide, the production of sushi, as well as the sale of his own kidneys. One particularly outspoken piece of bark which the Shindig wrote his shopping list on threatened to jump out of the window if the Shindig did not agree to stop mistreating its comrades. After an epic struggle now known as Operation Desert Storm, the bark jumped and all the King's horses and all the King's men couldn't put it together again. They managed, however, to piece a few pieces together and come up with a puzzling myriad of lines, squiggles and dots.

After enhancing the image using Photoshop, the result, as shown above, was passed on from father to illegitimate son as if it were a secret recipe which features that secret blend of 11 herbs and spices and the basic cooking technique where our Original Recipe chicken is fried in a pressure cooker utilizing only the highest quality ingredients, innovative recipes, and time-tested cooking methods.

School Song

Composed by alumnus Saul Hudson and his indie band that never made it big beyond college. It was called The Guns and Roses or something.

The School Song

Welcome to the jungle

We got fun 'n' games

We got everything you want

Honey we know the names

We are the people that can find

Whatever you may need

If you got the money honey

We got your disease

Chorus:

In the jungle

Welcome to the jungle

Watch it bring you to your shun n,n,n,n,,n,n,,n,n,n,,n,n,,n knees, knees

I wanna watch you bleed

Welcome to the jungle

We take it day by day

If you want it you're gonna bleed

But it's the price you pay

And you're a very sexy girl

That's very hard to please

You can taste the bright lights

But you won't get them for free

In the jungle

Welcome to the jungle

Feel my, my, my serpentine

I, I wanna hear you scream

Welcome to the jungle

It gets worse here everyday

Ya learn ta live like an animal

In the jungle where we play

If you got a hunger for what you see

You'll take it eventually

You can have anything you want

But you better not take it from me

Chorus

And when you're high you never

Ever want to come down, so down, so down, so down YEAH!

You know where you are

You're in the jungle baby

You're gonna die

In the jungle

Welcome to the jungle

Watch it bring you to your shu n,n,n,,n,n,,n,n,n,,n,n,,n,n,,n knees, knees

In the jungle

Welcome to the jungle

Feel my, my, my serpentine

In the jungle

Welcome to the jungle

Watch it bring you to your shun n,n,n,n,,n,n,,n,n,,n,n,,n.n, knees, knees

In the jungle

Welcome to the jungle

Watch it bring you to your

It's gonna bring you down!

Ha!

School Life

By the chilling May of 1463, Hwa Chong had managed to develop itself from a mere sweatshop into a global conglomerate, advocating the kicking of puppies, kitten huffing and other such disreputable actions. The school continued to advocate its policies on the consumption of fresh fruit and assorted vegetables, until the sheer burden of their luxurious lifestyle forced the faculty into becoming professional hobos to better apply their untapped talent at failing to do anything constructive. For a time, drug abuse was at an all time high, and the education of the beligerent youths were in shambles, ruins, or simply hiding behind tall buildings or plants so as to escape notice. Of recent, the situation has improved no further, and students can often be found molesting mammals, terrorising unique rock formations, cavorting on school grounds, engaging in pillow fights, sleeping, and revising higher level chemistry in the library.

Student life in Hwa Chong can be classified into three main groups, the three being Alive, Asleep and Dead, which are further divided into many more subsections. It is generally the preference of the administration for students to be largely in the first group, in which:

-Students wear shorts so high that their kneecaps are constantly under the assault of the relentless wind.

-High socks, shaving of legs, taking baths together to save water and pulling of pants as high as they can go are part and parcel of school life.

-Every morning, the school will assemble to bow 99 times to a giant portrait of Shindig Coitus and be reminded of how great The Party is.

-Physical Education (PE) lessons consist of bowing to the same portrait another 368 times.

-They also bow to the mysterious waste paper statue outside the clock tower whenever they pass. As a result of a family of particularly violent snails taking residence within the statue, it has recently been removed to the School Community Library and Outhouse.

Students who try to save money by shortening their socks are compelled to waste more money buying socks with more material and throwing away those nice cost-saving socks

Subjects

As education is sporadically implemented in the institution, the school has pioneered a systematic yet delightfully smelly way of teaching its students. Though often seen as a way of harvesting human spiritual energy for use in a small model airplane, the subjects are usually mistaken for a useful and feasible means of imparting knowledge, fortunately for the administration who now enjoy the buzzingly good company of their remote-controlled 1957 Spitfire. A grand total of some subjects are taught in the school, and are as follows:

Chinese

Chinese has long been considered the most important subject studied in Hwa Chong Institution, as it is able to transcend all borders, reaching all staff, students as well as the hearing-impaired. Also, it is the ancient language which long-time admin staff Captain Marvel used to summon his less-than-impressive superpowers. Students thus fervently study this subject in hopes that one day they too can have boyishly luscious locks.

English

English has long been shunned in the corridors of Hwa Chong as an inferior language, far below that of both Esperanto and Piglatin. However, in light of the rise of Guantanamo Bay as a world superpower, Hwa Chong now requires that its students study simple English, in hopes that they will use it to post articles of hilarious self-parody on the Internet. It was also in these hopes that the Institution placed a piece of the internet in each and every classroom.

Mathematics

Mathematics must be considered the school's area of expertise. With over 2 of the school's population aspiring to become world heavyweight accountants, it is hardly any wonder Hwa Chong Institution students manage to grab awards with some relation or other to mathematics year after year after day. Mathematics as a universal language has also been accredited with uniting the Beaver-Scout-Princess with the Neo-Pacifist Prince of Track in hot, steamy coitus, bringing political stability and transistor-radios to all.

Malay

Malay is seen as a bridge to link Institusi Hwa Chong to its Post-Grunge Hispanic roots. The Malay Language reached the height of its influence in Hwa Chong when alumnus Jerry Seinfeld (of sitcom "Suddenly Susan" fame) famously translated one of the school's conduct songs, Candy Shop, into malay, spawning such famous lines as "Saya tek Kamu to Kandi Syop". However this fairy-tale rise to glory was not to be, as the subject soon took a back seat to others, such as Cooking, Gynaecology and Recess.

Aesthetics

Aesthetics, most notably the performing arts, has only recently gained a credible foothold in Hwa Chong with disciplines such as Bricklaying and Tablespooning making the first forays into the lives of the students. Though Horselaying was first considered in the forming of performance EP3s, admin staff decided that too few students had libidos to match that of the wild, untamed beasts. Clever puns aside, performance arts now feature highly in the lives of the students. Indeed, it is no longer uncommon to see students checking each others' earlobes in the corridors or pirouetting in sync to various hip hop/trance beats.

Infocomm

Infocomm is a subject mainly embodied by the school's EC³ EP3. Studied by the precious few seen to be skilled and systematically anal enough to handle the technological wonders of our modern society, Infocomm skills consist singularly of hacking, allowing blessed users to hack into anyone and anything, save for trees which are, due to their woody and most abstruse nature, impervious to the new-fangled gadgets of society, such as haybails and spoons. It is thus common for practitioners to avoid trees, paper and, in some cases, beaver dams (though new elements within EC³ are quick to claim wood in beaver dams is, in fact, dead). However the potency of hacking remains unquestioned within the realm of Hwa Chong, giving EC³ members unquestionable status on campus.

The Sciences

Since the top researchers in Hwa Chong discovered the wheel in 1997, Science has been looked upon with much interest amongst both students and admin alike. Consisting of Alchemy, E-Commerce and Advanced Fret Wanking(optional course), the sciences are to Hwa Chong the stirring bristles of the head of the brush which makes brave, unapologetic thrusts into the toilet bowl that is ignorance. Having said that, students normally avoid the study of faeces, porcelain and toilet humour in general. They do however, centre their interests around the wonders of ornithologists(no, not ornithology) and small marsupials.

Literature

Literature in Hwa Chong centres around the worship and mastery of 4 scrolls, 3 of which have their roots in alchemy. The last, quite naturally, consists of little fortune cookie fortunes pasted together using saliva and mucus such that their words both form an image of rotational symmetry and teach students of the importance of personal hygiene. With mantras such as "wipe the pan if you wet it", the fourth scroll has both touched hearts and graced the rare air of the US Top 20 Charts. The candlelight remix of the fourth scroll also received an Oscar for best supporting actress in the small-screen drama, "Judging Amy".

Council

In September 1947, just before the invention of teacups by Maurice Green, then principal Socrates decided to establish the Council of Three. Socrates decided that the Council was necessary to ensure a high quality of drinking water as well as to promote the use of plastic cutlery. The Council of Three started with four members of the student population and quickly expanded its membership over the next two decades. By 1955, 96% of the school population belonged to the Council, and the fault lines became extremely apparent when it came to debating serious issues such as bungee jumping and naked beer drinking. In 1960, the same year in which Bruce Wayne patented the teacup (hence explaining his vast wealth and bevy of beautiful boys), the Council decided that it would have to separate in order to accommodate all the divergent views of its members. As such, a Consortium system was formed.

Consortiums

At first glance it may seem similar to a house system which so many schools have, but a Consortium is really "An association or a combination, as of businesses, financial institutions, or investors, for the purpose of engaging in a joint venture". The fancy names are there because the founders of the consortiums refused to name themselves after colours or birds of prey.

Aphelion

Often confused with their sister organisation Singtel, the name Aphelion is a witty pun on the Portuguese word for "just the right amount of salt". Over the years, Aphelion has adopted increasingly bold and brash styles of education, earning them a vast spectrum of reviews from critics as well as a fair amount of chidings from their mothers. Amongst the more famous members of their alumni are Rambo, Charlie Chaplin and Ronald, the gosh darn hippest wood-carrier ever.

Pro-Ed

A unique play on the term "Tuberculosis", the name Pro-Ed was not dreamed up by Albert Einstein in a fit of rage and is not in any way a healthy substitute for grapefruit in a balanced breakfast. It has, however, been thought to be the brain child of the esteemed naked mole-rat John Woo. Founded in 1973, Students of the Pro-Ed consortia tend towards fighting aliens, growing several unique species of decorative fish and engaging heavily in the slave trade. Of recent, they have won no awards for any of these subjects, which include, but are not limited to: . The members of this consortia are predicted to be most likely of the student population to evolve into glo-sticks, and of recent, a giant putrefying dinosaur corpse (possibly the herbivorous and shy King Ghidora) has been dumped on school grounds in honor of their wondrous talents.

Ortus

With its etymological roots in the English word Ortus, which means "to gallantly ride a pony into the sunset", the Ortus consortium sets itself apart with its unique identity of a united front against dandruff. They began a sluggish consortium of artisan rejects, world weary from their endeavours in shaping brocolli into interestingly phallic and oddly sexual shapes, and their renewed vigour for life only came about in 1982, when one of their alumni, George Best, conducted a masterful performance of Beethoven's Bohemian Rhapsody in Serangoon Stadium. Since then, they have gone on to win numerous awards, among them Most Democratic Cat and the National Benchmarking Challenge Shield.

iSpark

The only consortium to have a name beginning with a small letter, it is quite apparent that this rebellious group of mavericks have only anarchy and amputees in their shrewd little minds. Their advocacy for the divergence from established muffin recipes, as well as their love of Baroque music, have incensed the administration time and again. Their relatively small size compared to other consortiums speak volumes of their lack of popularity among the student population. However, it is noteworthy to note that iSpark has consistently produced talents of high calibre, including famous French playwright Mike Tyson and internationally recognised seamstress Jose Mourinho. 4 out of 5 staff in this consortium suffer from Pixellated Face Disease

EP3s

Students in the school are often required to participate in various other extracurricular activities separate from their academic pursuits, athletics, feeding, drinking and partying like drunken animals or suffering from tuberculosis. These activities include, but are not limited to, academic pursuits, athletics, feeding, drinking, partying like drunken animals or suffering from tuberculosis, often serving to prepare the youthful academics for their future, but mostly just strangle any spare time whatsoever the students may have had earlier.

Along the players journey, many monsters will be encountered, especially when travelling through such areas as The Valley of Pain, The Village of Pain, The Themepark of Pain, and France. It is advised that the player bring along many telephone directories, such that they might be able to look up various furniture and catering services while battling against mortal peril. A bunch of comfortable sofas, whose lime green coloring bring out the crimson in the chewed up remains that was once you can make all the difference. Hwa Chong also offers the various extracurricular activities, pointlessly dubbed EP3 for no apparent reason.

Sports

Sweating

While enjoyed "profusely" by students for time immemorial, sweating has only been recognised as an official sport by Hwa Chong Institution as of late, as a ingenious plot to regain the water lost to those insidious liquid-guzzling freeloading pupils of the school.

Competitions are held for this sport every 2 months, 7 weeks, 9 days, 33 hours and 92 minutes, and in these competitions hopeful contenders are judged based on several criteria including facial tone, gloss and clothing tone. The team came close to clinching the gold in nineteen-one hundred and fifty-ten, but were disqualified as the team captain had, in fact, been having an orgasm.

Posing

Posing takes is place as one of the school's most illustrious traditions, with its roots lying in an early chinese practice used to hide among inanimate objects to avoid the insidious gaze of the foreign cultural and military invaders. Annual competitions see contestants standing under rain, sun, sleet, hail AND snow, displaying their prowess to crowds as large as 3.5kg.

Man, adding those two pictures made it such that we had more pics than text. Not good. What we need here is a filler arc. So what happens is that a lot of things happen and it seems really eventful and we have actual PLOT POINTS which are in the end conveniently resolved (via Deus Ex Machina or by use of discriminants) such that by the end of about 20-25 episodes everything is nicely wrapped up and ready for the real arc to continue. Just like the Simpsons.

So then she says to me, "Nathan is like totally hot for you!" and I'm like "NO WAY. NO WAY. OHMYGOD SHUT UP! THATS LIKE TOTALLY AMAZING CAUSE IVE HAD THE HOTS FOR NATHAN SINCE LIKE I WAS A FOETUS AND OH MY GOD I CANT BELIEVE THIS IS REALLY HAPPPENING OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD" and she was like "YEAH I KNOW I WAS LIKE TOTALLY SHOCKED TOO CAUSE LIKE IN A WORLD WHERE OUR CONSCIOUSNESS IS DEFINED BY OUR EXPERIENCE OUR PERSPECTIVES BECOME LIKE A PIECE OF SCENIC ART WHERE A POINT OF VIEW CLEARLY EXISTS BUT IT CAN NEVER BE IMPLIED OR INFERRED FROM THE PAINTING ITSELF AND AS SUCH IT BECOMES IMPOSSIBLE TO ISOLATE AN EXPERIENCE FROM A CONSCIOUSNESS OR EMOTION THAT IS PURELY OF ONESELF AND LACKING IN ANY OUTISDE STIMULUS OR EVENT" and I was like "yeah totally."

Judo

This group of diseased individuals have been the pride of the Institution for many years since their conception in the spring of 1974, sweeping trophies in the Trophy Room time and time again. Recently, they had been declared as 7th Level Honorary Illuminati, and are provided a choice of a fettucinni or a melted hunk of plastic as decorations.

Track and Field

Named after founder Lord Henry Trackandfield, Track and Fielders are devoted to emulating their idol, Simon "The Best" Best. Track and Field was started as a Simon Best fan club but has since expanded to include several fast food franchises including McDonalds' and Gucci.

Jumping Like The Best

Simon Best, unlike his contemporaries, preferred to jump with his legs.

Throwing Like The Best

Simon Best, unlike his contemporaries, preferred to throw with his arms.

Running Like The Best

Simon Best, unlike his contemporaries, preferred to run on land.

Didgeridooing Like The Best

Simon Best, unlike his contemporaries, preferred to didgeridoo with a long, hollow wooden tube.

Uniformed Groups

Scouts

A frightening group of cannibals, these vicious beaver-men have honed their survival skills to a fine point, and are not afraid of utilizing them on those who would step in their way. The path they walk upon is covered with the blood of a thousand virgins, and gruesome medals adorn their dirty green regelia, a symbol of their rank as compared to the other students. An elite group within the various EP3 sects, they have brought much honor and justice to the school in their various victories, which often include, but are not limited to such horrifying deeds as "Marching Band", "Putting up bunches of sticks then taking them down again", "Making incredibly large heads with blinking eyes, putting them over their heads and jump on benches and off again" and "Hiking", even going so far as to reach the finals in the legendary, and terrifyingly fatal Glue Drying competition. They also frequently cross-stitch amusing patterns onto pieces of cheese, hence resulting in their fearsome and terrifying name.

Of late, rumours have emerged detailing the expansion of the insidious Scouts into the subject of aviation. Numerous of these mammaloids can be observed training wooden aircraft to crash into the ground, a target believed large enough to hit, with some skill and practice. Unsurprisingly for animals even neanderthals have opted to euthanize, they have succeeded in missing the ground entirely, and have often been found consuming vast quantities of beef jerky and telling bawdy jokes about the mothers of others instead of showing up for these sessions.

Performing Arts

Ortusing

From everybody's (except Vanna White and a couple of matchboxes) favourite consortium comes a sport that revolutionises the thinking world and gives a whole new meaning to the word, "spider". It was conceptualised in a post-1940s laboratory by several leading physicians, who upon the death of their shared dog (their bitch, as they liked to call it because they were sad, sad men) decided that the only way to alleviate their pain was to burn in the sun. They knew, through a series of complex calculations involving numbers, that the only way to reach the sun was when it was actually touching the earth, either at dawn or dusk, and ride into it on a fast moving object, preferably a small horse of any of several breeds, usually not higher at the shoulder than 14.5 hands (58 in./146 cm).