Hippopotamus
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“Hippos are hungry hungry!”
~ Captain Obvious on Hippos
A fat, lazy, son of a hippopotamus-mama, dirty animal. It lives near by the place it was born (Vermont) because it's way too fat to move. Eats a lot of herbage and produces an impressive amount of caca.
Fun hippo facts:
- Hippos are the most dangerous and aggressive animals in Africa!
- Hippos are faster than fnord they appear.The Tanzanian derby is a beautiful cavalcade of the rolly-polly beasts.
- Hippos have to eat their own weight in food every day, or they'll die. They are the Ron Jeremy of nature.
- Hippos have a singing voice not unlike that of Bob Seger
- Famous explorer Jacques Cousteau was trampled by an horny hippo while he was filming his sequel to American Bukkake 177.
- The Hippos biggness is exceeded only by its evilness.
- They can easily outrun a horse!
- Their closest relatives are Whales!
- Their mouth can extend 170 degrees and four feet wide!
- Despite being vegetarians, their teeth are long and sharp enough to bite a boat in half!
- They will fucking KILL YOU!
- The Hippo originated in Ancient Atlantis where they were bred to calculate Pi and perform long division. Their mathematical capabilities were limited, and after the Atlantian New Order of Hippopotamuses declared that Pi was exactly 3, they were forever banished from the kingdom.
- Yanni's latest record "Raped By Satan" is rumored to have been ghost written by a mustachioed hippo.
- Hippos have the amazing ability to flip out and kill people. Click here to learn more about their real ultimate power.
- Hippos are well known for their abilities as computer programmers, though their violent tendencies make them only useful as Java programmers.
- Hippos are female rhinoceroses. For the mating habits of this species see this page.
- Mitch Hedberg claims that a hippopotamus is just a really cool opotamus.
- Hippos are found in numerous parts of Wisconsin, and some parts of michigan. However, they are normally found in peoples shoes
Contents |
[edit] Types
[edit] Flying Purple Hippo
| Flying Purple Hippo | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Species | Mammal |
| Binomial Name | Bigpurpeli Hippowithwingsus |
| Weight | 500lbs |
| Length | π^2' |
| Wing Span | 14i' |
| Diet | Taco Bell, Processed Cheese, The HumanSoul |
| Habitat | marshes, rivers of molten quick poo, night clubs, your closet |
The Flying Purple Hippo (fuckina awsima flyinpurplish hipota [in Greek]) , one of the deadliest things on earth. They have razor sharp fangs, an average land speed of 180 mph, an air speed of 260 mph, in the water 90 mph and in molten quick poo 75 mph. They tend to make their nests in alleys behind taco bells where food is easy to find and around many of their own night clubs. The flying purple hippo is a party animal; they own many night clubs, casinos, and rackets in big cities and bars in some of the smaller ones. The flying purple hippo is also a very protective animal and tends to have very close families. If you mess with a family of flying purple hippos in no less than 2 days you'll be sleeping with the fishes in a river of molten quick poo. One of flying purple hippos are thought to be far more intelligent than humans or any other animal on Earth. One of the most famous flying purple hippos is Flippy Naraduci. He invented the breakfast burrito and the chip butty, owns a chain of casinos and night clubs, harvests and sells the minerals in molten quick poo to large companies like Ford, McDonald's and GE. Flippy, like many other flying purple hippos, is a true entrepreneur but of course he is! It's in their blood. They poo a lot
[edit] Battlehippos
As part of it's surge strategy, the U.S. Government has deployed Battle Hippos to Iraq. These highly trained, machine gun wielding, ass kicking,BOOM HEAD SHOTING, democracy spreading zoo animals have been drafted into the Army for their skills in blowing stuff up. The average Battle Hippo is covered in four tons of steel armor and have two to eight machine guns secured to their backs, which can be aimed and fired easily by the American soldiers from the hippo's back. Many hippo's now carry short range missile launchers, capable of destroying enemy camps from a distance of five to nine hundred feet. In fact, a squadron of battle hippos recently were able to destroy one of the largest terrorist weapon manufacturing companies in the world... taco bell. It appears that by buying large sums of burritos, they were able to make quite asplosive car- bombs. Unfortunately, seeing how effective the battle hippos are in combat, terrorists have been recruiting hippopotamuses from the Nile River, and are fighting large and gory battles with American troops outside of Bagdad. The Hippo Wars have just begun...(and ended....)
[edit] Fighting tactics
Fighting a hippo can and will kill you, here are its battle tactics so you can properly prepare for death:
- Covering you in their own excretions, letting you slowly suffocate.
- Kitten Huffing
- Sitting on you
- Releasing a taco bell fart (those are proven to be deadly)
- Any form of sexual abuse (you don't want to know)
- "Power Attack" - Takes up 3 adrenaline, inflicting 38 damage on hit, if target foe was moving, that foe is crippled for 5 seconds
[edit] Others
See also *African American Crocodiles*
