I-am-bored
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“Being gay means nothing to me. Being a self-rightous attention whore will make you an enemy for life.
”
~ Cashcleaner on Gays and Attention Whores
In the beginning, there was nothing.
Then one day man made the wheel.
But man got tired of hunting and the wheel,
so he said, “Me bored, ME WANT ENTERTAINED!”
He then killed his woman who was boring and did a bunch of bull no one cares about involving three screwdrivers, a bull frog and half a gallon of white spirit. But one day, as he slept, the Bored Man had a vision, and in that vision, he saw a face like no other.
The face… of boredom.
“Who you?” asked the man to the obscure blue head that looked like he was choking.
“I am everything and I am nothing,” it said. "I am all and I am none. I am dark, yet I am light.”
He was rudely interrupted by the Bored Man. “Who hell are you? Me bored. ME BORED!”
So you know what happened next? I’ll tell you what happened! The face was asexual and had an orgy with the Bored Man and they had a virtu-baby called I-Am-Bored. And then I came.
Lords of the Realm...and Other Peoples
King Buddy
King Buddy was the first king of IAB. During his reign he was known to actually have interesting links. He was addicted to a drug known in the streets as "Myspace" and was also considered to be a nerd. He was exiled by King Fancylad back to the barren wastelands of YouThink whence he came and failed to return to the throne. (This, unfortunately may be due to racism on the internet, Buddy has had to struggle to get where he is as he is a Chimp, one of the ones from NASA) Though he does not own the site anymore, Buddy still thirsts for vengeance and terrorizes the land of IAB occasionally. When he does show up, there is usually a throng of people screaming "BUDDY!!!11! I LOVE YOU!!11!" and gaze in awe that he has posted, much like a legion of cult followers. Which is all IAB really is when you think about it.
King Fancylad
King Fancylad is the current king, sitting on his arse and running the place. His reign has been what some could consider as "confusing", as evidenced by the many people on IAB joining the site to simultaneously thank him for a job well done as well as threatening to kill and eat him. Some of the things which Fancylad has added to his kingdom are Open Forums, and CIYC Contest (which is cool, if you are a recent recipient of a brain lobotomy). If anything, Fancylad will go down as "The I-A-B Repost King" because of his infamy. He enjoys kitten huffing and picking flowers in April when it rains.
Dead Akappy
Much like medieval England had their Griffin and ancient China had their Dragon, so too does the nation of IAB have their legendary animal. It is known as the legendary AKappy Of Myth. It is said he could shit fire and breathe raw sarcasm. He was also a nudist.
BREAKING NEWS!
AKappy has been recently spotted talking about crappy toilet airplane seats. It is now believed that AKappy has spent the last several years flying planes and then crashing them in to Monster Island.
Turnshroud
Turnshroud is the one that made this entry. Unfortunately, after the tramas caused when this thing was first made, she has spent the rest of her time in a mental institution in the fetal position, repeating; "What have I done. what have I done..." She refuses to eat or drink and is slowly shriveling away.
After a miraculouse recovery in 1950, Turnshroud got aquainted with the future King of Europe and helped him to plot his assualt.
Overmann
Overmann is a mysterious, pseudo-mythical figure who often contributes to the weekly heated creationism vs evolution forums on I-Am-Bored which pay fancylad's rent. Overmann is infamous for using outlandish concepts such as Reason and Logic to baffle, confuse, and often deliver the final "Coup-de-Gráce" (Middle French for "Kick-in-the-Balls") to mouth-breathing sky-mumblers who support Creationism. Various commentators have referred to Overmann as "The Voice of Reason", "The Thinking Man's Darwin", and "That bloke who takes IAB far too seriously". No-one has ever seen Overmann, yet many claim his existence has been personally revealed to them. Those who reject the very existence of Overmann point to the fact that when the "Overmannists" understand why they don't believe in Fancylad, Dainty, Turnshroud and hehenerd, they will understand why they, in turn, reject Overmann.
- Note: The Overmann Medal, considered by some an online equivalent to the Nobel Prize, is a prestigious IAB decoration "For Unselfish Services to Rational Free Thought in the Face of Overwhelming Idiocy", and is awarded once per year by a diverse, cross-cultural and multipartitite organising committee consisting of Davymid.
murrymalty
The famous murrymalty is one of the more active IAB users, he has roughly 741 posts a day as well as 86 submissions. It is common knowledge that Fancylad looks to him in times of peril. He is considered the Messiah of IAB. He is also amazingly popular/handsome, he is known to the world as S** M*******. But that's classified by the FBI, CIA, MI5, MI6 & EPA.
In 1967 he was appointed IAB's MoD (master of destruction) and has mad this List of weapons that don't exist, but should. He has set about trying to enforce the king of europe's dictatorship-ness.
He is rumored to be the said Messiah of IAB, mainly because he wrote their bible: Fancylad, and a selection of other religious stuff
Gandhi172
Throughout history there have been many great people, the greatest ever being George Foreman, followed by Gandhi, who regularly appears on IAB to preach peace to the violent brickheads who use IAB to spread their hate. He is also known as Nappy Man and apparently he inventedDramatic Gopher
Domisgood
He comes from far away. He is currently employed as the Toilet at Nando's in Peterborough (the big one in town, not the one woth mice in the chicken) Rumor has it he is really an Alien from Jupiter with a sexy British accent and a big rack. He boasts that it was he who removed King Buddy from the throne allowing Fancylad in, but we all know it was David Cameron.
After a mere twenty votes, Dom was made Pope of the Jews, after which thousands of IABers protested including non-Jews, stating that things like this shouldn't happen because of a few votes. But thanks to his holiness, he shall remain the first Jewish Pope...also the first non-Jewish pope who was not born a Jew.
One day Pope Dom plans on conquering Europe and turning it into a united feudel state...oh wait...he has? Well then, all hail King Dom, the holiest of them all!
The Open Forum
And then Fancylad looked upon his people and said,“You have come to me to seek a place for your silly chatter.”
“Well?” shouted a silly fat man.
“Shut you’re trap! I AM THE KING!”
“ALL HAIL THE KING!
So then Fancylad looked upon his servants again. “I hereby give you… an open forum!”
So then they cheered and laughed and celebrated, King Fancylad’s people.
But then, some were to lazy to hit the refresh button and demanded a chat room, Fancylad was too lazy to do that too...
The Lurkers Brotherhood
A wise man once foretold a website so cool and so tremendously epic, that Chuck Norris himself stopped by to check it out. So cool and epic was IAB to him, that he soon became… a lurker. What is lurking, we're currently unsure but involves vast amounts of time and very few friends...
Why do you never see him on IAB you ask? After a single post Chuck Norris became… a lurker. It was way to cool, even for him! So to continue on his legacy, the Lurkers Brotherhood was formed.
Known Members of the Brotherhood
Dainty- Known as the Queen of the Lurkers. Thought to be a woods witch.
VikingGuy- Known as Baron von VikingGuy, supposedly Thor reborn in flesh and blood. Possible ex-terrorist due his freaky knowledge of weapons.
Pabaso- Gay Irish sprite who spies on heterosexuals, trying to make a move on the more attractive ones like Akappy and murrymalty. He is also the head of the Irish ethnic diversity council.
The Maddog- Called Creationistsbane for obviouse reasons. He once bit King Fancylad's head off and spends his miidle-aged days arguing with little kiddies. Rumored to be a troll...
Legacy15- A very interesting creature, said to feed on racism. When it appears it transforms into Lord of the Anti-Racist Cards.
Types of IAB people
There are many types of people who dwell in the kingdom of IAB. Some of those include, but are not limited to:
Intellectuals
Intellectuals are smart, frequently spell right and use facts. They are categorized as the more decent people who visit IAB. Sadly, hardly anyone is ever considered as this. Most intellectuals, as such, do not remain so for very long, as long term exposure to IAB can lead to chronic mental retardation, degradation of common sense, and herpes. Intellectuals, unfortunately, usually end up devolving into one of the next few categories below.
Religious Extremists
These people tend get in to arguments with the intellectuals, their mortal enemy. However, there are non-religious people who jump on the religious people for no reason except that they are religious, and then make pissheads of themselves. This often leads to dragged out fifteen-page long arguments that are filled with epic lulz.
One Word Wonders
The occasional citizen who is mentally incapable of stringing together words in a sentence. As a result, they tend to post only in single words, usually the word "fail". As they are born with this defect, they should be pitied, not hated. It is speculated that they migrated to IAB from the nuclear wastelands of 4Chan, thus explaining their severe mental retardation.
Whiners
The occasional new member who is not yet familiar with the ways of IAB (read: Noob) and as such always complain that the post was "stolen" from another website. Ironically, it's IAB entire purpose to steal from other websites, such as cracked.com and AtomFilms. Much like the neighboring nation of EbaumsWorld, but better (much better) and without watermarks. Because watermarks take the lulz away.
Canadian Revolutionaries
A rare but particularly entertaining species of troll dwelling in the kingdom of IAB, these creatures feed on their intense venomous hatred of the USA. Their posts typically have little to do with the actual subject at hand, but usually lead to epic pissing contests filled with blind nationalism on both sides and even more lulz. These trolls are considered to be a valuable resource as they are hunted for their skulls, which are as thick as a brick and are often used as good roofing material.
American Conservatives
A rare breed on the far left anti-American website. However, when seen, these creatures of immense "intelligence" shine their "wisdom" upon forum-goers, leading to even more flaming and lulz.
American Liberals
Canadians in disguise.
Canadian Conservatives
Americans in disguise.
Canadian Liberals
True Candians, patriotic- in other words we make fun of ourselves and Americans.
Australian/New Zealanders
“Pretty much are decent people and don't tend to start fights over the glorious interweb.”
~ An Australian/New Zealander on Australians/New Zealanders
Europeans
Are better then Americans in every aspect. (But don't tell them that, they've got big enough ego problems as it is)
- Also have to often remind others that Europe is a continent, not a nation.
- The same can be said about Australians
Nationalists
Look above.
British
The British, let me tell you a little something about the Brit's now...just scroll up to where it says Whiners. There ya go. Although they like a jolly good 'ol' cup a tea (with milk and sugar) whilst watching the cricket.
Soviet Russians
In Soviet Russia, article writes you.
First Posters
First posters, also called Spammers and/or Noobs, are little scumbags lurking around getting ready for the pounce. Much like AIDS, they are the scourge of the IAB gene pool. The main difference is that AIDS may not exist. So far, we have not succeeded in exterminating them. Like religious people and atheists, they are one sided.
Some scientists speculate that these individuals are in fact stricken with a particularly potent strain of a contagious disease known as "Acute Attention Seekingitis" which has been spreading rampantly throughout the IAB countryside via body fluid transmission for months now. However, there are efforts underway to eradicate this disease by exiling the afflicted to the neighboring empire of EbaumsWorld, which is already a cesspool anyway.
"Art Critics"
A true staple of the internet, it's no different here. Art critics are highly-trained professionals who are always prepared to launch into action the instant an image is posted on IAB with their fearsome battle cry, "ZOMFG PHOTOSHOP!!!!!!!1 I've seen alot in my time, look at the pixols..."
Attention Whores
Those who are deemed not worthy, but really, really want to be. The characteristic Attention Whore can be spotted by such behaviors as "First!" posting, attempting to be an "Intellectual" (this is usually done by throwing around big words), and becoming an "Art Critic".
Repost-ers
Repost-ers are people who keep reminding Fancylad that half of the things on the site were posted during the kingdom of Buddy. You get extra points if you can actually find the original post and show it to everyone, but it still doesn't mask the fact that you must have wasted your entire life on IAB to be able to actually know its a repost.
Age Groups
Groups of all ages flock to the glorious plains of IAB, and they can be told apart by their various habits.
Age 13-17
These are those kids you want to have spanked because of their unnecessary "yo momma" jokes, and horrible sense of humor, which includes ignorant sex and genital references. They tend to give most under 17 year olds a bad rep, and post numerous comments of useless junk (see above: One Word Wonders) so they can be cool and have a big post count. They are a common sight during migration season, roaming the IAB northern plains.
Age 18-29
Immature children who brag about how they are no longer 13-17. However, one should still take caution in dealing with those of the 18-29 group, for in many cases, they are worse than the the children of the 13-17 group.
Age 30-39
The least popular group on IAB. They are too old to be immature and too young to be crazy seniors. Stuck within a middle ground, the 30-39 group hangs in IAB limbo, waiting for their day to kill the lulz.
Age 40-49
People from a previous generation who usually try to kill the lulz by complaining about the level of stupid humor that excretes from IAB. One should generally ignore the aging resident, for they will soon lose ability to surf teh webz, and be of no threat.
Age 70+
Not to be trusted. Always 11 year-olds who were too young to register. This is because people who were born before 1938 aren't capable of using teh interwebz.
The Almighty T-Shirt
It is said that the highest attainable honor in the cult society that is IAB, is to win... a T-Shirt. The holy grail of IAB, it is considered to be akin to attaining godhood in IAB culture. Many wars have been fought and much blood has been spilled in IAB for the possession of the almighty IAB T-shirt.
Or, you can just buy one.
"The Great Boredom"
[Thank you, TKD_Master]
It came unexpectedly. By the time the population realized what had happened, it was far too late.
It was your typical I-A-B day, the links were fresh, the 're-post' complainers were fired up, and I-A-B was fairly peaceful. Little did they know, something big was about to happen, something that would shake the foundation of I-A-B for eons to come. What happened? It is unknown what caused such a monstrosity, but as it turned out, what was once a peaceful realm would turn in to hell itself. In this dark time, there were even rumors that Fancylad had passed on, but we were unsure. In this dark time, the caring people tried their best to entertain everybody in I-A-B's absence, but their entertainment was feeble at best.
For seven millennia’s, five centuries, four decades, six years, two months, a fortnight, and twenty hours six minutes and thirty-three seconds (Yes, we were bored enough to count)- this is equal to three of your Earth months- we were shrouded in darkness. Our crops died, our wine became bitter and what food we had left turned sour. Pigs flew…and I had the flu, and the the sun had set in a such a way that no candle could replace it.
And yet, the true sun had not set! For the great Fancylad, had been kidnapped by his evil twin, Simplelass, who didn't like being in her twins shadow. ...but not before several tests etc. to make sure it wasn't his twin sister.
For years since, we warred to the point where we became skeletal. We warred until our bones became brittle waste upon the grounds. Oh how we warred!
Is this not true patriotism? Oh some gave up hope, but others- oh how they fought! And after long years, we were rewarded by Fancylad's safe return.
(To be continued) This edit brought to you by, Turncloak
Dainty, if I have offended you with this edit, please forgive me. :/
After the Great Bordom
After this catastrophy, King Fancylad the first of his name, King of the Bored, Chairman of the Board, Holder of the Sword and...whatever, decided to enlist a group of protectors, sometimes called his groupees, to protect him.
After a painful listening to, they must swim across the [Lake of Spam], after which they must arrest three noobs and two...just scroll up to the Types of people, and present them to the king.
After this is done, they don the IAB face emblazoned cloak for the first time, and wear the IAB pommel sword and their IAB face badge of office.
To tell the officers from the regulars, one must only look at their smuck happy faces, brown noses, and the fact that they always suck up to the king.
(Feel free to edit.)
The Great Summer Spam
Note, this event is a prophecy, meaning it has not occured yet, rather it will occur in the future between now and...I dunno, some other summer.
It is written in the Great Book of Prophecy that there will come a time, after the great King Fancylad makes adjustments, when IAB will weaken to the might of the spammer, first poster and noob. In this event, IAB will be shrouded in darkness, a darkness that even the greatest of men will be unable escape. And when all hope is lost, one man will step up and save IAB. All we know is that he will be 13-17, from the UK, and be a sexy beast. This handsome knight will save the internet and save the people of IAB from themselves and their expensive internet porn addictions.
Infamy on IAB
In IAB history, there has been one serious crime. And that is the kidnapping of AKappy. Sometime ago, EvilAKappy came to IAB hogtied AKappy, stuffed him the trunk of his car, went to Mexico, and began using him to practice Pinata Diplomacy, which is considered a blessing to most. His body will be served unto Satan...
It should also be noted that AKappy may be in the vicinity of an unknown lake, as it has been stated by a reliable source.
Breaking News
EvilAKappy has been spotted doing evil alongside his brainwashed counterpart
Breaking News (MORE!)
AKappy has been contacted by use of a strange device that goes by the name of "MSN"
Breaking News (MORERE!)
Turnshroud is actually a person!
Are you bad enough dude to handle IAB?
Then visit I-Am-Bored.com! 
