IGod

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

The crappiness of this article begins with its lowercase letter. Do not be alarmed. This is a necessary inclusion.

The iGod. Also Available In Black

iGod is a NEW version of God that was coded by Steve Jobs in an attempt to overthrow the US government. His attempts so far have been extremely successful with over 1,000,000 people declaring jihad against America. (There is no humour in religious wars)

“I happen to cut my wrists while I listen to my iGod every day.”

~ Oscar Wilde on IGOD

“I finally have an erection. iGod.com”

~ iGod on IGOD

“I have Ass Angels on video.”

~ Bill Clinton on iGod

“It made me gay! I love it!”

~ Andy Dick on iGod

“Everyone needs to buy one, to save their souls!”

~ Steve Jobs on iGod

“I don't own an iGod, I'm a Microsoftologist, I use a Zune instead.”

~ Bill Gates on iGod

Contents 1 iGOD purpose 2 Appearance 3 How to worship 4 iGods down side 5 Music 6 Religion Views 7 Size 8 NEW! iBible 9 iGod 360 10 Godstation 3 11 Cult of the iGod

[edit] iGOD purpose

In the beginning the iWorld was void without form. Then Steve Jobs said to his Apple shareholders, let there be a new product. Then lo and behold, the iGod was discovered. Then the iGod said let the iWorld have iLight, and it was so. A little LED started blinking on the iGod at the next MacWorld Developer's conference and the iGod saw that it was good. People wanted to buy the iGod, for they are dumb and listen to anything Steve Jobs tells them. The iGod was a white shiny device, and the people love a white shiny device. People just love to look at shiny things, and also like to be brainwashed into submission because they are too dumb to think for themselves. Suddenly the iGod gives people purpose in their lives, life doesn't seem as random as it used to be. Ask and the iGod giveth, buy the iGod and find purpose in your worthless lives. For it must be so, as Steve Jobs said so and he promised the consumers that the iGod will deliver.

[edit] Appearance

The iGOD looks like a normal iDevice, mixed with a little Zune. There is a halo protruding from the top. DO NOT touch the halo if you are a satanist or scientologist, both of whom will lose the use of their brains, and go straight to hell with their other followers.

[edit] How to worship

"Worship? A Macintosh product? AHAHAHA Man, that's funny all by itself." "Yes Bradley. A Macintosh product able to be worshiped! This has got to be the most ridiculous segment on this article. The iGod does not want your petty worship. What about you Bradley?" "You dirty dirty people! Why would a Macintosh product want you to worship it, you fools." Although the only way to recharge the IGod is by sacrificing your closest blood relative in his name. The iGod's preferred way of worship is by buying more Apple branded products. Your iGod wants bigger speakers, a dock, external hard drive, iGod super drive, plastic skin (collect all 5 billion combinations), auto adapter, FM radio tuner, XM satellite option, Airport Extreme (Yes iGods want their own Airport), an Octocore Macintosh Pro, a Macbook Pro, Apple Pippin, AppleTV, Steve Jobs' used socks, commercial air on cable TV infomercials, the iToliet, hookers, booze, crack cocaine, virgins, movie rights, selling your soul to the RIAA and MPAA, giving up your freedoms in exchange for eternal slavery to the iGod, and helping the iGod recruit more followers.

[edit] iGods down side

OMG I love my new iGod! The only down side is that he takes infinite years to charge, unless you sacrifice the blood of an innocent, like a family member. Pick someone like your brother-in-law that dropped out of high school and lives in his parents' basement and mooches off of them. Good choice. His parents will thank you, and the iGod thanks you by recharging itself. iGod is not atheist friendly. Many athiests have protested iGod. In 2012 the production will stop, because no one will believe in iGod.

[edit] Music

You cannot store any type of music apart from Christian rock and various commentaries. Although GodCasts and MusicMass can be easily accessed via God's website MiTunes.

The iGod accepts people from all faiths not including Satanism because it's just lame. Lamer than Scientology, and Satanism is so 1980's anyway when Heavy Metal Bands made it popular. Machristianity is where it is at now, the religion of the iGod.

[edit] Religion Views

iGod Church is simply sitting down at a Macintosh Computer for a few hours. Thats right, you have to own a Macintosh to join this religion. Just plug in your iGod and pray. If you don't pray, the iGod will DESTROY YOU. THAT'S RIGHT! YOU WILL GO TO HELL! (This means don't do it)

(this page is ridiculous, plus it infringes on the igods.com trademark)

“I don't know who god is :-) I don't judge people.”

~ iGod on god

A lot of Christians campaigned against this by holding a fete - it did fuck all Template:The day wasn't a total waste I found a mans wallet Said the Pope

[edit] Size

The iGod holds a massive 20,000 scriptures, and over 100 hours of mass. You can also get Godcasts, which you can get from our website. For legal purposes, we cannot give you the website address, as God is a bastard and, like Dave Callan, will not give me his site address. Leaving other, unholy ip-ds in the dust of his IHoly wrath. It is also know to be in a variety of sizes, ranging from ST. Peter's size, to Sits on your shoulder size.

[edit] NEW! iBible

The iBible is a new plug-and-pray device for iGod. You can download scriptures for just 99cents! While you are downloading, iGod's eyes light up, and holy music plays throughout the room. No surround sound system here!

[edit] iGod 360

The iGod 360 will come into play sometime in the near future, but first god must defecate the prototype before he can brew another. Rumor has it that Bill Gates and Steve Jobs finally resolved their issues and became a team, thus creating the iGod 360. It will feature a new, younger god that comes in 7 different colours and will no longer need a Mac OS X computer. The iGod 360 will have a handy wireless controller that will give options to pray, worship, or make a wish in high definition. Also, one can pray now, via the wireless P.R.A.Y. intranet built into the new god, to pray with other believers, then beat them at the game of 'Worship Me' copyright GoD LiMiTeD. (not really). Another feature is

[edit] Godstation 3

The Godstation 3 (produced by PENGUINS!) is the iGod 360's major competition. Its the greatest thing ever,ya know. it cost an eternity in hell and the praying rates are 500,000 times higher than on the iGod 360. It is the follow up of the frankly amazing Godstation 2 which are now popular with jehova's witnesses. You can access YAWEH! directly from it while the iGod 360 cannot. "Judas Escariot" is exclusive to the Godstation and you can play PrayRay mass discs on the console.

[edit] Cult of the iGod

Typical Apple fanboism!

The new cult of the iGod is here. We call it "Machristianity". We will worship a book and the ink that the writing has been recorded with. We will eliminate all non-believers and convert the other bastards. We will fight for as long as it takes for these people to believe in our book and the principles involved. We will fight only with kindness and pushiness. We will send mercenaries out door-to-door, asking people to listen to our stories, read our pamphlets, and if they don't want to, stand in the door way saying "We will save you! Come with us to our convent! Don't worship the false God! Worship; The iGOD!"