IQ:Sample test
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This IQ test is Free. You have 1 hour, starting from Now. Go, Go Go!
[edit] Mathematical Section
This section assumes the use of Microsoft Windows 2010. Please make sure it is spotless. If you are caught using hacked or non-regulation windows, you will be destroyed. Furthermore, if you do not use windows at all, you must then remove your left lung (right lung for left-handed people) with yogurt and seaweed and use that as a replacement Microsoft Windows. You have been warned.
-1. If you are going upstream in a boat up the river and you loose your tire, how many pancakes does it take to fill a dog house
.00879. If 25 squared plus 10 squared is 26 squared then how many hot dogs does it take to fill up a tv?
0. Define infinity as a whole number without using any numbers or symbols(n, x, ∞).
.0078. How many bee
1. Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a straight edge and compass. Discuss in detail the role these equations had on mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s and how they will help us in the future of technology.
2. Find the value of h to the nearest dollar in the diagram to the right, Diagram not to scale.
3. If one of the measurements in the triangle has an error bound three-eighths of the difference between the other three sides of the triangle (accurate to one-half of a decimal place), locate the incorrect side and calculate a new value for h.
4a. Using only an abacus, calculate the percentage error of the 90 degree angle at the corner of this piece of paper.
4b. Prove or otherwise show that 2 plus 2 equals 5 for all non-zero values of 2.
5. Deduce the letter Y and subtract 100 then divide the number infinity by this number. (show your work)
6. Explain how you can use melted ice cream and century old Gatorade to create cold fusion.
7. Explain in no less than 48 A4 sides on the subject of why the answer to 
isn't 1. Showing the true value for it and how you derived your answer. You must show all of your work.
8. Prove Fermat's Last Theorem. Use only the margin for writing your proof.
9. Little Johnny sharpens his finger in a pencil sharpener. If his arms are 1 meter long, and the speed of sound going through a diamond is smaller than the speed of light, how many more fingers will Little Johnny be able to sharpen before he feels the pain?
10a. If a chicken and a half lays an egg and a half in an hour and a half, how many waffles does it take to shingle a dog house? Estimate the answer and round to the nearest thousandth. Show all work on the margin of this paper.
10b. From the answer you got in 10a, figure out how many chickens it would take to combine with the dog house to make a flying machine.
10c. How long would it take for these chickens to lay eggs?
10d. How long does it take for the kids to do all the things their parents did including having kids?
10e. Using the transitive property, calculate the probability of a waffle-shingle imploding into a quasar.
11. Calculate the square root of yellow and multiply it by any secondary color. You may use a prism. Show all work using crayon in the correct color of the answer (accurate within 40 nanometres of wavelength).
12. Count backwards in your head from infinity, and show your thoughts on paper without writing any numbers, letters, symbols, or random scribbles.
13. Calculate the amount of peer pressure applied to get someone to drink in high school. You may use either Torr or PSI in your answer.
14. If Bob is eating a ham sandwich at a rate of 24 bites per second and the sandwich has lettuce, pickles, and mustard, when will Joe finish his sandwich? (use the theory of unrelativity and the quadraticintic formula to find your answer.)
15. Calculate all possible answers for the question: "How long won't it take you to complete this test?" Using only an eraser and a protractor. Show all work, but only as far as manual labor.
16. Describe the smell of the letter 3 in 100 words or less, without the use of psychedelic drugs.
3π If it takes a man and a half, a day and a half, to dig a hole and a half, with a shovel and a half, then how long would it take a grasshopper with a peg leg to kick all the seeds out of a cucumber? Hint: Jiminy Cricket served in Vietnam.
17. What does the letter F taste like? Is this not dissimilar but unlike the smell of three, or haven't you not ever tasted what not F doesn't taste like? Write your answer without using the letters A, E, I, O, U or sometimes Y. For every time you use one of these letters, you will die.
18. What is the value of the hypotenuse when AE2+BE2=CE2?
19. What is the value of the hypotenuse when nothing really matters anymore?
20. If Johnny shoves a golf ball up his nose and it isn't Thursday the 54th, how much would his appointment be if Ryan Sheckler wasn't born?
20,3. Joshua is 85 years old. When he is walking down the stairs, there is a probability of 76% that he will fall. If he falls, there is a probability of 98% that he will break his spine. If he breaks his spine, there is a probability of 82% that he will be paralyzed. There is also a probability of 95% that this will happen one week before his birthday. He may also die (54%). Calculate the probability of this: Joshua falls down the stairs, does not break his spine, still becomes paralyzed, all 46 days before his birthday. Joshua does not die then, but dies later, on his birthday. You must use Bill Gates' credit card in order to solve this problem, or you will get a F--------.
21a. If you were given 1 chicken, explain how you would make a hydrogen bomb out of the chicken.
21b. If you were given 1 hydrogen bomb, explain how you would make a chicken out of the hydrogen bomb.
22. How many kittens could a woodchuck huff if a woodchuck could huff kittens?
23. If it is Thursday and the person sitting beside you is smoking a clarinet, then how many sevens can fit into an upside down 4? Use basic Trigonometry and the Pythagorean theorem.
24. Using only prime numbers, describe the relation between yesterday and tomorrow. Once you have found that answer, cook a hamburger with a blow dryer and sell it on the black market.
25. Using only the spine of the dead hamster (see 1.5) measure the width of this piece of paper, then write your answer in the form of a function.
26. Choose at least two problems from this list: P vs. NP. Solve using only the slide rule provided. Once you have solved the problem, explain, in detail and at great personal risk, the effect that this equation might have had on the Renaissance period of Sierra Leone. All work must be typed. You may not use a computer, typewriter, or any other print-setting device.
27. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, can you calculate the average diameter of its 42nd ring?
28. If a=b, b=c, and c is a prime number, why does j have a dot at the top? Express your answer in scientific notation. You may only use ink obtained by cutting a calculator in half lengthwise. Points will be deducted for cutting the calculator into any fraction other than 1/2 or by cutting any way other than lengthwise. Explain your answer without using any recognizable characters.
29. If a starving African lion is released into a room where someone is taking an IQ test, and it leaps at an angle of 37 degrees towards the test-taker, how far can it travel? You will test your answer in a live simulation in approximately 47 seconds.
30. Write out, on the back of your paper, all possible answers for the equation x=x. All answers must be given for credit.
31. Use the Pythagorean theorem, the law of relativity, and Fermat's Last Theorem to prove that aardvarks are, indeed, equal to anteaters.
32. Write the correct value of infinity divided by 3 to 7 decimal places.
33. Using the Alternative Theory of Mathematics, solve for x, in which x is equal to the number of fingers on your foot. Unacceptable answers are: anything involving a decimal, fraction, or percentage, Infinity, any number less than or equal to 0, or anything other than a number. Note: If you are a Neanderthal or a primate, skip this question- it will not count against you.
34. Prove, without a calculator, that Cheese is equal to pie times the theory of relativity
35. If Jimmy is 20 and Bob is 14, then how many apples are then in seven blueberry pies?
36. How many boards would the Mongols hoard if the Mongol hordes got bored?
37. Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?
38. There are five babies. Differentiate this function in terms of pink.
39. If x=5, discuss the feasibility of a socialist government run by E.T. in terms of x. Show your work.
40. Only using similar triangles, prove that the sky is blue.
41. How many pandas do I have?
42. How many times does a panda think about suicide in one hour? Use the teachings of Margaret Thatcher, 2nd Century Paganism, and your friend's favorite hooker. (Hint: The eel goes in head first and goes out head first.)
43. If Jimmy cracks corn and I don't care, find the value of x + 151515SI15I.
44. If you put 3 of those where that originally was, removed these and replaced it with this, and put these there, what would be the distance between Jimmy's current location and Addis Ababa?
45. Calculate the chances of finding Osama in your local record store buying the newest Cat Stevens CD using a live kitten, a shoelace, a pair of plyers, and a bag of sawdust.
46. Calculate the square root the largest possible odd number with ALL the decimal places. You are allowed to use a calculator, but not in this section. Only in the lynguistics section are you allowed to use a calculator.
47. Divide the Max Acceleration of your chair by the color wavelengths of an inside-out duck, using your answer describe the indescribable using only indirect quotations. Your answer may be achieved using a bowl of wheat and a kitten.
[edit] Reasoning Section
This is a no-brainer section. This does not mean that the questions are easy, it means you must remove you brain and put it under your desk for this section of the test. You will receive an F if you are caught using your brain, or if you are caught looking at someone else's. If you are already brain deficient, you may proceed without caution. Note: For people who require a brain to function correctly, you may choose not to remove it, but you will receive only half-marks for successfully answered questions.
1. What would happen if the sun melted the earth? If you need to pour a huge bucket of water on the sun to obtain the answer, you may.
1 1/2. Answer this question with True (T) or False (F)?
2. If Ahkmed is a terrorist that has only two apples and three oranges, how would he go about constructing a nail bomb?
3. Perform a miracle. You will be awarded extra marks for creativity.
4. Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with the flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
5. If This is That, and These are Those, and today is not Friday, how long will it take for Tim to finish this test?
6. If Jimi Hendrix has six apples and Johnny has four apples, where's the polar bear to eat the apples?
7. Using the piano, construct a time machine to hand in this test before you were given it.
8. Using your innovation, write your answers to the rest of the test in your own blood. If you cannot do this question, blood can be provided for you at the cost of three points.
9. Justify the need for ham sandwiches.
9a. Using the answer to the previous question, explain a mouse.
10. Without testing, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? How many to get to the center of a Dum-Dum? We've provided the Tootsie pop and we would provide a Dum-Dum, but nobody likes Dum-Dum's.
11. Consider the liar paradox: "This sentence is false." Presume this statement is true. Discuss.
12. If a bear is traveling North North-East towards Narnia at a velocity approaching the speed of light for one hour, then turns left at the 864th junction and continues straight ahead for another decade, what colour is his hat? (Bonus: What species of bear is it?)
14. If a biplane is traveling south from Chicago at eleventy-six mph, and suddenly begins changing direction at random intervals, how probable is it that the pilot will get a raise within the next month?
15. If it takes a man and a half a day and a half to dig a hole and a half with a shovel and a half, then how long would it take a grasshopper with a peg leg to kick all the seeds out of a cucumber?
16. Express the color green as a fraction. Divide this by the smell of the number 3. How many apples does little Johnny now have?
17. If you had 3 Pepsi's and drank 2 of them, how much more refreshed are you?
18. If, after drinking the Pepsi's from the previous question, you are still not satisfied, how many Snickers should you eat?
19. Describe the universe; give four examples.
20. Memorize the entire English dictionary and recite it in your choice of any West African language. Minimum of fifty clicks per definition.
21. If Nick has a computer called iBook G4, then why isn't Bill dating Jessica Alba?
22. Why doesn't George Washington defeat the Iraqis with a machine gun if he can defeat the British?
23. If a glass isn't half empty or half full when it's spilled on the floor, how long does it take little Johnny to fix?
24. If your 2 years old when you barf out Hershey Kisses how old will you be when you barf out Hershey Hugs?
25. If Aragorn is son of Arathorn, then explain what would happen if you slapped him and put a Pizza Pop in a toaster. Why?
26. If a baby was born, and died at the sight of George Bush, what does G do the next time he listens to Bread and eats toast at the same time? Explain your answer.
27. If I have three threes . . . explain why.
28. There are three nightingales in a tree, if one falls out and a swarm of crows land on the tree as well, what type of tree do the birds reside within? Express your answer in any dead language that rhymes with orange.
29. What? Who done it? Explain:
30. Explain why in Soviet Russia, test takes YOU!!
31. Using your inability to do the impossible, find the answer to the following question without doing so; Is this question correctable?
32. What is the answer to question 33?
33. What is the answer to question 32?
34. Yes or No? Note: You may not express your answer.
35. Why can't we be friends?
36. Does this dress make me look fat?
37. Was Daddy hurting Mommy? Cite examples.
38. Ginger or Mary Ann?
39. If Ooon-cha weighs 38 grams, and a Tyrannosaurus Rex weighs 20 tons, how many swings against a wall does it take to kill a bag full of kittens? (Hint: Disregard any chance of Slovenian army intervention)
40. If and where did this happen? And if so, why did Marissa have to die in the finale of the third season? Why could she not live? Describe your answer in a 300 page essay in a form of a philosophical analysis.
41. Understand and explain your girlfriend. (If you do not have a girlfriend just sing out loud the theme song of The Lion King and the instructor will provide you with one)(Results may vary).
42. In "The scream" what is being screamed about?
42.5. Why won't you love me?
The Section is over. You may re-insert your brain now. If you find yourself unable to do so, moan incessantly until the instructor becomes annoyed and does it for you. If you were brain deficient before this section, you may negate this and move on to the next section. If you are now brain deficient, but were not before this section, bang your head on the desk and your instructor will provide you with a new brain. (Quality assured by the U.S. Government)
43.A- If a man ate two shoes and divided the square root of his vomit by pie to the power of R squared that is inversely proportionate to the sum of the square root of the number of his left toes how many fingers would he have on his left hand give you answer to the nearest 62.5 value (3SF)
43.B-times 8 by 109678456736457+234*10to the power of 46
44. If your mom is a whore and keeps fingering herself is it possible that she can itch her nose through her vagina? Show your working using a protractor, eraser and some random shreds up paper.
45. What is the answer to #49?
46. If you were dead, would anyone care?
47. if you have Jessica Simpson, Tom Cruise and Jessica Alba how long does it talk to find a man holding a piece of cheese in the middle of the road?
48. 45. What is the answer to #49?
46. If you were dead, would anyone care?
47. if you have Jessica Simpson, Tom Cruise and Jessica Alba how long does it take to find the square root of chicken poop
48. if i have 20 cheeseburgers, then what is the square root of an apple
49. idk do you?
50. if i had 5 smarties how long does it take to make a house out of chicken wings
51. if i have 15 bananas how many times can i button my shirt up in 3 and a half minutes
52. Why? Bonus points if you explain how in detail.
53. Where did this take place?
54. What's the answer to the last question?
55. Please state the answer to the last question.
56. What were you thinking of while answering the last question?
57. It was sex, wasn't it?! That's what you were thinking of!! You horny little devil!!
58. It's okay, I'm also in that mood...
59. I wanna swallow you.
60. I want you to lick me in all the right places.
61. I want you to cum in my mouth, in my hair, and all over my face...
62. Okay now I'm not that horny. Get the fuck off me you FREAK!!
[edit] Scientific Section
1. Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.
2. You have been provided with a scalpel and some whiskey. Remove your liver and dissect it. After this, drink the whiskey and eat the liver.
3a. Deduce the location of the edge of the universe using the compass and protractor you found in your liver. (See question 2)
3b. Consider the fact that the universe is infinitely expanding. Now, with that in consideration, deduce the location of the edge of the universe in 4 years, 2 months, 9 days, 4 hours, 30 minutes, 2 seconds, and 7 deciseconds.
3 1/2. By using your DNA, find the cure for cancer and submit it to the AMA in the form of a heavy metal song.
4. Determine the gravitational force between you and this test using the scalpel provided earlier. You must show your work. (no materials provided)
4a. Explain to a salmon the Theory of Unrelativity, then train it to finish this test, using only sign language and a tissue.
5. Explain the argument behind the fushestal elementum theory. Use modern pentium particle physics to help disprove this theory.
6. Use the empty whiskey bottle found on your desk and a pencil to observe an experiment where you inject Mercury into your veins. Note down your observations every 30 seconds.
7. Deduce and or hence otherwise find the colour of a neutron.
8. The statement "Light is an absence of darkness" is incorrect. Explain why.
9. Would you rather be a proton or an electron? Why or why not?
10. Prove the non-existence of God. Then, using only words from your argument against the existence of God, prove the existence of God. You may create a God if necessary.
11. Seduce at least 4 emo children using only a computer, myspace and a webcam.
12. Remove the lead from your pencil. Turn this lead into gold. You may use both sides of the paper if necessary.
13. Using the principle of conservation of matter, what will the karat value of the gold produced from the above project amount to? What would the value be if you were to instead use 3 mangoes and a large potato?
14. Describe the entire anatomy of a muppet in terms of ratios of fuzziness to just plain annoying sometimes.
15. Describe what DTN means to you.
16. Determine which of the following sub-atomic particles is most partial to binge-drinking: Up quark, electron, photon
17. Use the Scalpel, the whiskey bottle and the liver remains (see question 2) to find the effect of hamburgers on birds. Note: Bats can't be used, nor any other reptile.
18. Determine the difference between a seagull.
19. Explain the difference between plutonium's atomic weight and oxygens atomic weight in a 39 page essay. Use only waffles and a sweatshirt for materials. No materials provided.
20. Describe in detail what this frog is thinking without using any vowels.
21. What is the gravitational pull of Christina Ricci's forehead?
22. Why do ducks?
23. Two subatomic particles walk into a bar. Why?
24. Re-Create the death-star using a dildo and a red pencil sharpener. Bonus points will be awarded for the inclusion of a carrot-powered laser.
24a. *Bonus* Use the carrot-powered laser that you may or not have to destroy 3 random spacial features (black hole, nebula, star, planet, asteroid, etc.) What were they and what were their names? Express your answer by blowing up other spacial features to make an answer using the first letter of each spacial feature you destroy in chronological order. In order to make a space, drop the laser on your foot and shout "I am a happy, dyslexic pink ephelant!"
25. Define Scientology.
26. In what branch(es) of science are "scienticians" usually found?
27. Using the provided scalpel, remove your soul. Sell it to a Wharton student, who needs it.
28. Use Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle to prove that your mom is actually a robot in disguise. Use deductive reasoning.
28a. Use your reasoning above to show that flashlights going the town upwards for you sequentially!!!
29. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, AAAAAA, A, AAAAA.
30. Prove Einstein wrong, while simutaneously proving that Neuton's laws of gravity are all lies. tHIS IS A LOT EASIER THAN REWRITING THE PHYSICS OF A BLACK HOLE (SEE: NOTHING)
Extra Credit: End world hunger.
[edit] Logic
All external logic are prohibited for this section. Use only logic provided by the test. If you are caught using logical thoughts from outside the testing room, you will be subject to lobotomy. Cardiovascular corruptions possible due to extreme stress.
1) Using the time machine created using the piano, create a bagel-Powered sidearm function.
2) Use the bagel-powered sidearm function to invade Kuwait.
3) Who really killed Julius Caesar: Brutus, Cassius, or June Allison?
4) Who really killed Abe Lincoln? The FBI or the Federal Bureau of investigation?
5) Identify the Surface area of the universe using only contractions and adjectives.
6) Use your time machine to convince yourself not to take this test. Describe why you are still taking this test, and why the FBI killed Abe Lincoln
- Bonus: using the bagel sidearm function and your liver remains, prove newton's 5th law using counter-evidence.
7) What is the answer to this question?
8) Do not answer this question.
9) Did you realize that the previous question was not, in fact, a question, but a command?
11) So, should you have answered #8?
12) Does your head hurt now?
13) No dude, it does hurt because you didn't realize that there is no Question 10. Now, did it explode?
14) Imagine a color you have never seen before. Name this color.
14b) Describe this color to a blind person. If you do not have a blind person one will NOT be provided for you, as you were clearly asked to bring a no. 2 pencil, a sharpener, an eraser, and a blind person to this test.
15) Is logic, logic? Use logic to answer this question.
16) If you die on Sunday, will you be buried on Tuesday, Wednesday, or in March?
10) How did question 10 get here? Find an answer to this question.
18) If P, then Q. If Q, then P. Therefore, R? Explain in exactly nineteen words without using letters.
19) You may now put down your pencil... NOW PICK IT BACK UP!! Now, you may put down your pencil, however you may only do so after answering the following question:
If? Then... If so is true... Then... ?
20)The next sentence is true.
The previous sentence is false.
Remember, you may only put down your pencil AFTER answering the previous question. What, you pussy, is your hand starting to hurt? Better get used to it, cause you're gonna be frozen in that exact position for a while...
[edit] True and/or False
Please only answer with "True" and/or "False". Failure to do so will disqualify your test and/or test your disqualification. -1. true or false?
1. Describe the nature of the universe.
2. Sanity.
3. 7+19 = ?
4a. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if he was riding a train going 45.3 MPH leaving London heading towards Los Angeles with a wind resistance of 20MPH?
4b. How would this train keep afloat crossing the Atlantic?
5. Write a sixty-line sonnet using only the words "My", "her", "was", "should," "bacon," and "Jerry Springer."
6. Why?
7. The answer to this question is "False".
8. So which one do you prefer?
9. The Doe family was an ancient Amphibian race.
10. When does the zorange, a 8-ft. tall cockroach that rhymes with orange, do its stalking?
11.When Johnny's head falls off, how many muffins will Bill not have?
12. The moral dilemma between doing what is right and what is easy.
13. The man reads the dictionary fifteen times, each time reading a different book. Explain your answer without using letters, words, numbers or symbols. [BONUS: What was the man's name?"]
14. What are you wearing?
15. When did you have your computer last updated? You must not include a date nor a specific event that happened at that exact point in time. Be creative! Spelling does not really not exactly not count. Eat your greens!
16. Spell your name backwards, upside down, and turned inside out.
[edit] Linguistic Section
This section is a section involving language. You must answer every question in English or Cambodian. Failure to do so will result in a F-.
1. Describe in detail. Be objective, broad, and specific.
2. Which of the below is the odd one out:
3. Spell antidisestablishmentarianism, without looking at how it has been spelled on this paper.
4. Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis is a technical term for a lung disease. Explain the origin of its naming, with references to Greek architecture.
5. Find the exact point at which you would die of boredom from taking this test. Use evidence from The Catcher In The Rye to help explain your answer.
6. Kill yourself and hand in the test promptly 2 hours after answering this question.
7. Try to find a correct synonym for "antonym".
8. Try to find a correct anagram for "anagram", preferably one that is also a synonym for antonym.
9. Create an invasion force using a pen, an apple and a car, then implement this in a strike on East Germany.
10. Describe the word "indescribable", without using the word describe or any negatives.
11. Why?
12. John has never not refrained from not avoiding not doing his homework. Is it not untrue that he has not forgotten to do his homework unless today is not Monday?
13. How would this test affect John if he refrained from not uncompleting this test if yesterday is not tomorrow?
14. Write out all of the words in the English language. You may ask for additional paper if needed.
15. In five minutes, ten thousand drunken crazed aborigines will storm the exam room. Calm them down. You may use any ancient language except Greek or Latin.
16. Quote the Bible 7 times, each one give reference to how it inspired a Tori Amos lyric.
17. What is a scransom?
18. How many times may one flange a scransom before it becomes exflangulated?
19. Using the word "using", how long does it take to establish a democratic government in Saudi Arabia?
20. There is no 20!
21. Do not answer this question. How can I answer that question if it is not a question? That was a question. Answer that question.
[edit] Writing Prompt
1) a) Dog. Why? Explain in a 42 page essay including introduction, body, and conclusion. BE SPECIFIC
2) Summarize the great works of Proust in terms of only: your mom, a PVC catsuit, a feather and Chewbacca
3) "Because." Discuss.
4) Prove, in 100 words or less, the Riemann Hypothesis.
5) Summarize Proust's Remembrance of Times Past using only words related to pigs and/or wild boar. Your summary may not exceed 15 words.
6) Does all your base are belong to us? Write a one word essay using at least 100 direct quotations from ancient scriptures for great justice. Do not forget to set us up the bomb. Make your time.
7) Describe the color yellow in a 15-page essay and its impact on coin-operated body waxing machines.
[edit] Thank You
Thank you for taking the test, have a nice day =). Please leave all materials which you do not own above the desk in a levitating gravity stasis field. If you do not have one you can find one inside the matter/antimatter superextension compressor found under your desk along with the piano.
[edit] Examples of Iq Tests
[edit] See also
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