Internal Revenue Service
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“The Lord giveth, the IRS taketh away.”
~ The Bible on IRS
“Wesley snipes don't give you shit”
~ Wesley Snipes on IRS
The Internal Revenue Service, or the Infernal Revenue Service, as it is better known to taxpayers, isn't a service at all, as taxpayers have known all along. Actually, it's a bureau of the U. S. Department of Stealing Your Money. An evil organization, its purpose, according to the law that created and supposedly governs it, is to "harass, bully, intimidate, threaten, fine, imprison, and dismember American citizens into forking over up to 50 percent of every paycheck they ever earn for no other reason than that the IRS says that they 'owe' it to the government." The only real difference between the Mafia and the IRS is that the former organization is honest about extorting and stealing money from its victims, whereas the IRS claims that it is allowed to break the law.
The IRS, an abbreviation for the Infernal Robbery Service, is a profit-seeking terrorist organization based in Hell. Said to have originally been founded in AD 1979 by Bill Clinton, the IRS's main goal is, has been, and always will be to take as much money as possible from all citizens of the United States of America by whatever means necessary. Members of this organization have been known to do such things as mail anthrax-laced fake bills to citizens who have no will and whose money can easily be obtained by abusing the legal system. Some members have even gone to the extent of stealing a time machine, taking present-day money into the 1930's, and spending it on large plots of land in South Carolina. The inflation caused by the build-up of cash in the past caused by these idiots was one of the leading factors causing the Great Depression. They were thrown out of power during World War II, but escaped from prison and came to power again.
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[edit] History of the IRS (We've got what it takes to Take what you've got)
The IRS has a pretty long, boring history with a lot of affairs with al-Qaeda, but the basics are as follows:
[edit] Origin
Although Republicans complain about the IRS all the time and claim that they want to cut taxes or even do away with government-sanctioned thieves altogether, it was one of their own, President Abraham Lincoln, or "Honest Ape," as he called himself, who created the bureau, way back in the 1860's, when he was fighting the Civil War because he wanted to retain the right to wear a top hat and a full beard, even in public. The Bureau of Internal Revenue, as it was originally known, was called this to distinguish it from the government's other organizations dedicated to stealing the hard-earned money of foreigners, through the imposition--and it was a huge one--of tariffs and duties on imports.
[edit] "Oh no, not again."
A few years after being founded, the IRS got its first bit of publicity when one of its top members, Eric Flood, assassinated George Washington for the third time. He later went on to publish a book entitled Why Won't This Guy Die? for which he received the Pulitzer Prize. The organization as a whole didn't really benefit from this until Eric used a time machine to go back in time and copyright the name George Washington, after which the IRS had legal rights to the one-dollar bill and was therefore able to regulate inflation. Essentially, after this point the economy was placed in the IRS's control.
[edit] Later history
In 1864, the U. S. Congress repealed the cowardly act by which they'd spawned this monstrous, evil entity.
[edit] Revival
However, the senators and congressmen congresspersons were just joking, and they soon revived the income "tax." Since that dark, dismal day, the income tax has increased by leaps and bound and other clichés, with the courts siding with the IRS in allowing the evil organization to tax capital gains, dividends, interest, rents, and a wide assortment of other financial transactions and so-called earnings. To make everything look legal and above board, the president selects the IRS commissioner and its chief counsel and the Congress confirms these appointments. That way, political scientists contend, taxpayers are granted the illusion that their taxation is not without representation. It was at this time that the name of the organization was changed from the Bureau of Internal Revenue (known among moonshiners as "revenuers") to the Internal Revenue Service in order to protect the guilty "representatives" who had revised it.
[edit] Glorious New Beginning
After being founded in August of 1979 by Bill Clinton, the IRS collapsed and was founded again three times before it could hold its own. Clinton, however, only claims to have founded it three times total, and when it collapsed the third time, he claims to have given up. There has been a lot of dispute over how it was formed again, but most scientists conclude that the IRS was formed the fourth time as a result of millions of years of adaptation and random mutations in DNA. Finally, by about October of the same year Clinton originally founded it, the IRS was good to go.
[edit] The Best of the Best
By the year 1990, the IRS was getting pretty high up on the US's top ten list of potentially threatening terrorist organizations. In fact, it was at the point where it began to rival the FBI in power. To put a stop to its competition, the number one terrorist group, PBS, created the documentary series Teletubbies, which contained subliminal advertisement to resist the oppression of federal governments and terrorist organizations posing as such. A year later, the Democratic party was formed by Bill Clinton to trick those who were brainwashed into supporting the IRS by backing him in his presidential campaign, during which he claimed to plan to destroy the government and prepare the United States for anarchy.
[edit] Securing a Place in the Anals of Hell
In a risky attempt to secure their power, the IRS teamed up with Clifford the Big Red Dog, who was vyying to overthrow Snoopy as the Hellhound King. They recruited a large army of beuorocrats. They managed to make one attack on Snoopy's palace at the Battle of Hellhound Pass, which failed, but demonstrated the frailty of Snoopy's riegn. But when Clifford was arrested on unrelated charges, the army was disbanded. Since, the IRS has been under investigation for it's involvement in the incident, which it denies.
[edit] Reorganization
To better serve itself and the interests of the Democrats and Republicans who most benefit from the "service," the IRS was reorganized into departments in the late 1990'S: Small Business Extortions, Medium-size Business Extortions, Big Business Extortions, and Fines, Imprisonments, and Dismemberments.
[edit] Location
Ironically, the IRS' headquarters building, which is cut from marble to make it resemble legitimate federal government buildings, is located at 1111 Constitution Avenue. The intent of the address, critics suggest, is to associate the IRS with the Constitution, implying that the organization is legal, or constitutional, when, in fact, they claim, it is neither. To show his displeasure with the thieves who own and operate the IRS, God sent a flood in June 2006 that filled the building's sub-basement with water to a depth of 20 feet, causing electrical equipment failure and damaging 95 percent of the building's interior. As a result, the building was closed for the rest of the year. Three thousand government workers (IRS agents and other bureaucrats) drowned, but the government replaced them with homeless people who had had the misfortune to be seen displaying signs that read "Will Work For Food." The Government Accounting Service (which, allegedly, is not affiliated with the IRS) estimated that the cost of repairs could be as high as $25,000,000. "That's no problem," IRS Commissioner Mark W, Everson said. "We'll just increase everyone's taxes to recoup the expenditures."
[edit] Administrative dysfunctions
Every year, the IRS publishes a 100,000-page manual called The Friendly Guide to Paying Your Taxes, which critics describe as The Satanic Bible. Full of ambiguous phrases, mind-boggling jargon, examples and counterexamples galore, and lengthy forms full of tiny blocks and blanks, the manual is designed to confuse, frustrate, and incriminate its users. According to Everson, “We want the taxpayer to screw up so we can seize his or her home or levy a bank account.” The manual's latest ploy is to include maps of various cities that have nothing to do with taxes and direct the manual's users to indicate which streets they live on, doubling their tax by the number of letters in the street name that each taxpayer selects. "This is especially lucrative if someone lives on a street like Constitution Avenue or Sunset Boulevard," Everson declared. In the rare instance that a court overrules an IRS determination that a taxpayer has not been sufficiently fleeced, the agency files a Notice of Proposed Rulemaking, which entitles it to change whatever law or regulation the court has upheld against the agency. "That way, we don’t have to waste a lot of time and taxpayers' money responding to some idiotic judge's belief in the Constitution," Everson said. "We do this on behalf of our clients, the American wage slaves."
[edit] Voluntary Compliance
As any IRS agent will tell you, the IRS operates under the principle of voluntary compliance. You are under no obligation to file a tax return, pay income tax or discuss your decision not to pay with any government agent. You simply signal your desire not to pay by doing nothing; it is the default and expected behavior. The IRS will then signal its recognition of your desire not to pay by seizing your house and freezing your bank accounts.
Note: If you discover that the IRS has seized your assets even though you did file a tax return, do not dismay. This is normal, and it is simply the notice the IRS gives to citizens whose tax returns it did not receive. Yours must have been lost in the mail or removed from your mailbox by an illegal alien who will be impersonating you from now on. Again, this is the normal and expected behavior. The IRS will be extracting payment plus penalties from your assets by selling them at auction for 15% of their market value, and you will be responsible for the tax liability of the illegal immigrant from now on. It is recommended that you refrain from filing a tax return in the future, and exercise your right to voluntary compliance.
[edit] Collections
In September 2006, the IRS started outsourcing taxpayers debt collections to private debt collection agencies. Critics charge that this is an illegal and immoral invasion of their privacy and can result in collection agencies’ attempts to collect the full amount of taxes that the IRS alleges are due rather than dicker with the taxpayer, as has sometimes been the practice in the past. In addition, these critics contend, it will be almost impossible for debtors to pay off their debts when, in addition to the amount that the IRS claims someone “owes,“ he or she must pay an additional 200 percent per dollar collected. Everson’s response: “The new system is fair and balanced, and if anyone has a problem with it, let me know; I’ll see to it personally that the complainant’s taxes are audited every year for the rest of his or her life.”
[edit] Appeal process
The IRS repealed the appeals process in September, 2006, when it initiated the new collections process. "We determined, in one of our rulemaking sessions that people no longer need to be represented to be taxed."
[edit] Other Criticisms
Tax protesters claim that because the IRS is not a legal organization, because it is not the result of any statute, that it lacks the legal authority to litigate or to be litigated against, and that it is not an official government agency. Instead, it is the American branch of a Puerto Rican trust fund, they say. The courts agree in most cases, but judges are too afraid of the IRS to rule against the evil organization. Some say that the IRS Torture Chambers, located in the headquarters building's newly renovated sub-basement, goes too far as a collection instrument, and conspiracy theorists suggest that the flood was not heaven sent, as many people, especially taxpayers, believe but was, instead, intentionally created by cloud-seeding techniques as an excuse for the "repairs” to the basement which were really an excuse for the installation of the subterranean torture chambers. Everson scoffed at these allegations, declaring "The courts have ruled that sodomy, in the interests of tax collection, is not torture."
[edit] Famous Members of the IRS
- Eric Flood
- Bill Clinton
- Kermit the Frog
- Barney
- Stalin
- Wikipedia's creator
- James Madison
- Trojnibgigyoolonn
[edit] Video Games influenced by the IRS
The IRS has made appearances in many video games, including almost all Super Mario titles, Tony Hawk's Pro Fisher 2007, and all games starting with the letter H. For example, in Super Mario Brothers 3, if the player finishes the first world in less than three seconds, a message is displayed congratulating him (there's no way a girl could do it) and providing IRS recruitment information.
[edit] Famous IRS Quotes
- "If it weren't for that stupid Koopa Troopa on the fourth level, I would be a member of the IRS now!" -Legolas from Lord of the Flies
- "Yes." -Oscar Wilde
- "The IRS is one of the government agencies which nearly all Americans must deal with on a regular basis; the other is the state Department of Motor Vehicles." -Wikipedia
- "One day my face will appear on every one dollar bill, and I am not going to let any future terrorist organization get in the way of that." -George Washington
[edit] See Also
[edit] External links
- Sex Tax, a proposal by the IRS
