Iain Hewitson
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“You just cannot help but to hate him.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Iain Hewitson
“He loved the care bears...........and cock?”
~ Colonel Brinsbury on Iain Hewitson
“Iain Hewtison is the spawn of hell's version of desperate house wives”
~ Cluck'n on Iain Hewitson
“I do apologise for the creation of Iain Hewitson, You will all be receiving compensation in due course”
~ God on Iain Hewitson
Contents |
[edit] The History of Iain Hewitson
Iain "Can't Spell Ian" Hewitson, is a channel 10 fatman presenter during the grave shift and the spokesman for noe other than a discount food company Bi.Lo. Real name Melanie Jane Hewitson started life as a troubled New Zealander girl, who dreamed of some day becoming a clinically obese television chef in a strange and distant land called Australia (land of the fat and the free). after a sex change at the age of seven, It became depressed after the operation have severe side effects and left her/him with a disgusting full body rash, which was calmed with aloe vera. after failing to top itself at a ski resort on the southern island, in a elaborate plan involving the miracle blade three action series, chef Tony and a confused ski lift operator, Melanie (now known as Iain) bought a fake Australian passport and travelled to Sydney Australia where s/he got a job cleaning up in celebrity kitchens after offering sexual favours to the station manager, (for legal reasons we can't divulge the name of the television station, still the one). During the difficult period of the 1980’s Iain Hewitson was deported back to New Zealand after writing his first book "Disgusting fat food cooked by disgusting fat people". The book offended numerous Australian personalities like Big Kev and Bert Newton, both of whom were running for PM at the time. After Bert Newton died and was reconstructed in plastic for the first time out of several, Iain Hewitson was granted access to the country on the condition that he nurtured the talent of Geoff Janz in the field of disgusting fat cooking.
After receiving such a position, Ian formally took up a campaign to shave the arm pit hairs off every last Irish woman. Years of success in this campaign gave Ian the opportunity to publicly present his collection of Irish female arm pit hairs dipped in sprog, while strapped to the region of his crotch.
[edit] Huey today
Today Iain Hewitson hosts his own cooking show, Hueys cooking adventures, which features him in exotic locations cooking foods from other people’s cookbooks. The idea is ridiculous that such a fat man could find his way into such pristine locations, however I’m sure that they have a series of double rotary helicopters and heavy lifting equipment teamed with weights and pulleys involved in bringing him in. The real hero of Hueys cooking adventures are the team of sand stabilisation experts that prepare the beaches that he so often cooks on, to support his morbidly obese arse. Hueys cooking adventures are the largest employer’s of sand stabilisation experts in the southern hemisphere.
[edit] One of Hueys Recipes
Copha on Lard
- 1 kg of pig lard
- 250 g of Copha
- 150ml of liquid bacon grease
- 2 L of good quality palm oil
- Roll lard into a ball and then flatten into a pancake shape.
- Sandwich lard between two layers of copha
- Deep fry in palm oil
- Drizzle with bacon grease.
[edit] Huey's life pinnacle
In the not so distant future, Huey will become the first person to take on the Iron Chef and win, by presenting food that people could actually eat. The translation of the judging was far too illogical that we cannot show you.
Leaked translation: “My tongue is just so happy at present, you have brought my mouth many new year celebrations” Kikuchi Momoko
[edit] The death of Huey
Huey will die in the year 2018, after being shot by his camera man, Rob, after getting his fat arse in the way of the camera one too many times. His body will be put on air for the next month to fulfil his contract with network 10, after which we will never see him again.
