Ice cream
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“I scream, you scream, we all scream near Michael Jackson!”
~ American Children on Michael Jackson
“99... thats 30 worse than 69”
~ the Pedofinder General on 99 ice creams
“Soften up, or else I'll nuke you!!”
~ George Dubya Bush on Ice cream
“I don't like ice cream... it's TOO COLD!”
~ Ross from Friends on Ice cream
“I like it to cool myself down after a session of hot sex...”
~ Bobby Jr. on Ice cream
Ice cream is cream made from the fleshy parts of the and is blended with fermenting rats and a wee bit of Ryan Jenkins hair ice fruit, except for McDonald's ice cream, which is made from dead fluorescent light bulbs. Similar to coconut milk, ice cream is thicker and creamier. It is often cold, but can also be fried, as in fried ice cream, in which case it is warm, but in liquid form. Ice Cream is also somewhat related to the Dairy queen faggots organization.
The ancient Chinese hailed ice cream as a magical cure for female depression. Many ancient rock paintings and sculptures depict nude women sitting on a boulder couch with a stone tub of ice cream crying. Modern medicine has discredited this tradition and informed the general public that it is society's fault for making women fat, disgusting and depressed as they age, rather than the common misconception of any possible link to unhealthy diet and sedentary lifestyle.
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[edit] History of Ice Cream
Ice cream was invented by the Vikings in the 9th Century AD. The colder climes of the Scandinavian Alps provided the perfect conditions for the Vikings to naturally manufacture ice cream. Having discovered this frigid sweet ambrosia, the Vikings proceeded to raid the coastlines of Europe constantly over the next few centuries. Unfortunately, as the Vikings sailed further and further south of their chilly homelands they soon realised that ice cream could not survive in the temperate climate of mainland Europe and the British Isles. Inevitably, the Vikings declined in power and decided to settle Alaska instead, where even now they are waiting for a new Ice Age, caused by global cooling which will enable them to conquer the entire world.
Chinese explorers passing through the Volga region of Russia in the 11th Century AD came across a disparate group of people who claimed to be the descendants of Vikings who never got told where Alaska actually was. In exchange for the secret of Communism, the semi-Vikings taught the Chinese how they had manufactured ice cream. The Chinese took the secret back to their homeland, where they promptly left it lying around for European explorers to steal. The Chinese claimed that they had known about ice cream since 387 BC, which was a blatant lie. Since then, it has always been incorrectly assumed that the Chinese invented ice cream. Of course, this misconception has recently been corrected with the discovery that Chinese are too lactose intolerant to digest ice cream easily given their digestive systems are more finely tuned for non-dairy products after centuries of eating chicken testicles and tiger penises.
However, some scientists in Western Norway have recently come up with a theory that no-one invented ice cream. Apparently it fell out of the milky way from cow's defects. This is what happens when a cow gets a cold, and rather than producing milk, it produces milk in ice form. The fall from the milky way to earth churned the frozen milk up and made ice cream. This is the cause of the ice age, but it was in fact enjoyed by all who partisipated apart from the dinosaurs, because they were latose intorlereant and thus, became extinct.
This theory is being shunned by all major authorities apart from one, the Institute for kleptomatic Convusion of Hokey-Pokey Flavoured Ice Cream(I.K.C.H.P.F.I.C for short) which states that this theory coinsides with their idea of hokey-pokey being parts of the planet hoikus poikus, which was destroyed in 10294702356BC
[edit] Häagen-Dazs
In modern times, it is widely accepted that ice cream is awesome. In 1961, the Häagen-Dazs brand was started in New York by Norwegian dairy farmer Ole Haagenson and Hungarian businessman Count László von Dázs-Fehérvár. The umlaut is the first known case of using spurious diacritics in advertising, and eventually evolved into the heavy metal umlaut.
It is important not to confuse the dessert, ice cream, with a hair care product of similar name (see Vanilla Ice Cream) known to be used by once-famous bastard white rap artist, Vanilla Ice, to keep his hair looking so good.
Haagen dazs is made of margarine,horse radish and bubble bath.
