Iceland
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| Motto: "Crapulam terribiliem habeo: Neyðin kennir naktri konu að spinna." (Latin: "Necessity teaches a naked woman to spin.") | |||||
| Anthem: "In Cod we trust" (formerly "What's wrong with beastality?!") | |||||
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| Capital | Lazy Town | ||||
| Largest city | Grundarfjörður | ||||
| Official languages | Icelandish, Björkish | ||||
| Government | Monarchy | ||||
| -Emperor | A gigantic, overweight, dictating penguin and his wife | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Gísli Marteinn and Jói Fel | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | 1944 (end of Denmarkish fooling around) and then again in 1965 (With the complete destruction of Selfoss) | ||||
| Currency | Ice,More Ice, kvóti, ritalin | ||||
| Religion | Look-worshiping, Ása-gothic, Feminism, Spoon-satanism, Fork-godism, Penguins, ice, scientology, atheism "Positive Christianity" | ||||
| Major exports | ice, Björk, Baugur-group, Baked beans, polar bears Kári Stefáns, Silvia Night, ice from Eden (A renowned crack-house), people with unpronouncable names | ||||
| Major imports | Thais, other orientals, Polish people, Stuff, Money, Sex, Bobby Fischer, Poles | ||||
| Opening hours | Monday–Saturday from 06:32-19:01, Friday is "one night stand"-night and customers can choose between a dirty weekend or a clean one. | ||||
“Nice... but not quite as nice as Mother Russia”
~ Alexander Andrewsson on Iceland
“"I live in a giant ice-cube," said the young boy”
~ Oscar Wilde on Iceland
Iceland Is where the Aryans originally came from. It is also the place where all icecubes come from. When someone leave a sacrifice of water in a freezer, Iceland mystically makes it into ice. Hitler is also hiding in Iceland.
Contents |
[edit] History
In the early Icelandic age, nobody lived in Iceland, the place was a huge, lifeless buttberg. In 1894 AD a group of hotnese penguins were exiled from their country (hotan), due to lack of intelligence. These peguins looked for an another home, unluckly faith has turned the back on them by bringing them to iceland. These penguins settled in Iceland, most of them died of boredom (this time Known as the First Great Depression). The descendants of the Survivors are the common retarded Icelandic penguins. And some cofee was added to kill a mustard. Nowadays the most commonly known retarded pengiun of iceland is called the yogi, with an I.Q of 14.
Human inhabitation of Iceland first began during the War of the Roses in England when King Henry VIII decreed: "Anyone whosoever doeth slander the high name of the Kingly Throne shalt be sentenced to exile on that crappy northern island"(e.g. q.e.d 1345'34.5). And so all slanderers of the throne first were branded with a mark "I slander" on their foreheads and then banished to the new penal colony. Soon there was a sizeable colony in Iceland since all 1,009,348 wives of Henry VIII were also banished. The penguins fought against the oppressive king on the side of the Tudors, and so Mary Queen of Scots ascended the throne after the slaughter of Henry. Mary, an escapee from "that crappy northern island," recreated parliament with her penguin allies and this tradition holds today. Also she changed the name of her home from "that crappy northern island" to Iceland in order to incorporate the name of its inhabitants into a less abrasive stigma.
Iceland almost won the Eurovision Song Contest in 1990 (fourth place).
FBI agent worth his salt knows, is a ferreterror.
In 2ooo the leading Icelandic Supermarket, and thereby the strongest force in Icelandic politics, Kringlan (the pringle), gathered every farmer in Reykjavík to a state council and encouraged them to go off on a war with their grand enemy, the americans, commonly known as "kanamellurnar". No one has heard from them since. The story says that in a fright of delivering suckish culture, the Federal Boat Investigation (better known as Fbu) did what they could to eliminate that plausible threat. Because of them not returning, Iceland lost a dramatically large percentage of their masculine breed. That is said to be the start of a generation called “Icelandic feminosts”, who fought for the rights of who-men and masculine women to replace the farmers' duties.
Iceland provided Penguin Soldiers for The Great Penguin war in the area now known as The North Polee.
Iceland has been mentioned in the Jay Leno show. Therefore he has been made an honorary citizen of Iceland.
Archeologists have now discovered that Iceland was actually settled by the. Mixing it up with the local population (nativus islandicus) they became known as rubber barrons, or
In response to the Nazi occupation of Denmark in 1940 Iceland was occupied by the British. They soon discovered that Iceland of that time was severely underdeveloped with regard to humor, and therefore traded it to the United States, which had a similarly uncivilized humor. This marked a beginning of a great culture flow of Icelandic ideas to America, especially television broadcasting, and Iceland can in large part be blamed for the sad state of american film and television culture, with notable attacks such as Halldór Laxness' failed attempt to create a Hollywood movie and the malicious injection of Icelandic singing into the final credits of Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers.
In 2432, Iceland was captured by the Galactic Empire in a major dance-off with the Rebel Alliance, cutting off the Rebel's supply of attack beavers. This forced the Icelandic Republic of Icelandia to invoke the Smirnoff protocol and take off every zig for great justice.
In 2529 Iceland was freed by the the Japanese Penguins, because their lack of intelligence caused them to forget how f*** boring Iceland really is. After a few years the Penguins decided to exile them selfs from Iceland and went to Russia and the penguins became famous Comrades for making the first Hot dog with Steigtan lauk and Mustard gas bomb.
[edit] Some famous people from Iceland:
- Bubbi Fiskur (Iclandic's only chess world champion)
- Björk
- The Rockstar supernova crew
- Spaustofan crew
- Sílvía Night
- Ronald Regan (See Necrophilia.)
- The Bloodbrothers
- That one black man in iceland
[edit] Iceland's Emo
Someone wrote about him here. But it was immediately deleted. Who is he ? Why was it deleted? What has the world got against emo's ?
Alot, lawl.
[edit] War
After defeting the British in 1976 Iceland has the largest armada in the whole Penguinfuck Ocean.
Iceland recently kidnapped Kerry Katona to promote their war effort against the United Kingdom. Much pro-Iceland propaganda can be seen on UK televisions, such as naked men "buming" each other in a violent and bloody way, and the 'shops' known as Iceland are actually war factories that are, behind closed doors, manufacturing tanks, planes, guns, ammuntion, soldiers and nuclear warheads. Any food bought from there must be thrown away immediately as they have been sprayed with a radioactive poison. Unfortunatly nobody told the Russian spy, Alexander Litvinenko, not to eat the mince pie bought from Iceland. Many shows are live broadcasted from Iceland for exicutional purpose for example , Jón Ólafs , Stelpurnar , Eldsnögt með Jóa Fel.
[edit] Politics
In 2046, Icelandic witch Björk and her well-feathered army of bionic clones (Nylon) successfully crushed the former government of Iceland in a secret coup, and captured the castle by weakening their enemies with blood curdling banshee screams, and lighting everything on fire that moved or not. The dictator himself, Fat Guy From TV, met his demise at the dexterous hands of Björk when she cast a Level 78 Fire Soul Bird upon him. The UN suspects Björk has illegally leveled herself up by duplicating and consuming Rare Candy.
Silvia Night, leads a rebel army (Silvia skiluru Party) planning to overthrow Björk and her evil servants (the girls from Nylon). Silvia for president skiluru!!!
Because of glaciers melting, the Iceland government decide to change the country's name to Wetland. The new name will appear in official documents from 2010, because the government leader Björk has bought train ticket to Iceland on 31 November 2009 (there was a special rates for this date for Boston-Reykjavík line). Björk doesn't want to rebook her ticket because it is expensive... so the new name will be valid from 1st January 2010.
[edit] People
The varied and heterogenic population of Iceland is surprisingly inbred, and is made up entirely of Assassin Ninja Penguins (Spheniscidae Eudyptes Ninjitsu). The overall population density is 2.7 Penguin per sq km (7.1 per sq mi). The human population of Iceland (2006 official count) is exactly 300.000 and is expected to remain stable because it is easy to remember. People with red haircolor are not included in this statistic (because every single one of them is considered an illegal immigrant from Ireland) and other minorities will possibly be excluded in the future. The cause of the low population density of Iceland may be explained in part by the unattractive name and tendency of the parts to withdraw in frigid climes, but large government projects on global warming are expected to make the name more attractive. Icelandic humans can be categorized in three groups: Most are cranky and spend their life going over their family history, most younger one's have given up to the evil forces of hnakkar and become orange and dyed their hairs blonde, but a few oddballs are obsessed with world domination, and seem to succeed every time, simply because foreigners find the idea of an Icelandic entrepreneur so silly, and therefore are caught off guard when some bank grants the Icelandic entrepreneur a loan, based on a business plan of doing the exact same thing as their competitors, the only difference being that the Icelandic company is under the management of an Icelandic entrepenour, who by the current definition succeeds every time. Since the 1936 ban on Jews and Blacks in Iceland, White pimps have become increasingly prominent. Some have even taken political positions, as seen in this 1999 post-election rally: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFB4U-OLptE
Iceland also prides itself in being the only European nation in the world still reproducing and not accumulating old people. Iceland's currency is Penguin-poo. This currency is created at local penguin farms. The automated poo-pump which is placed at the rectum of the penguin sucks the poo out and transfers it to the head Igloo. There has been reports of illegal penguin farms, which is against the counterfeiting rules written in year 1780.
From Britain, many mums go to Iceland, after Kerry Katona of Atomic Kitten did biased adverts saying that single male parent were not very good. All because she has a vagina.
As of Wednesday the twelfth of Septemper all Icelanders are left handed do to an eclipse over Malasia. Every tourist should therefore stay right out of the country.
[edit] Weapon-Technology
Iceland has one of the most advanced penguin weaponry, the most advanced weapon is the T.S.U which stand for Tiny Snowball Unit. these Snowballs are about 5cm in diameter and they are 1cm smaller than the average snowball. The T.S.U provides tough competition to Iceland's arch enemy, the snow squirrels, until 2002, when the T.S.U was invented, common icelandic people had lived in a reign of terror and none of them were brave enough to face the mighty snow squirrels.
The Icelandic army has also utilized the power and durability of polar bears. They genetically enhanced a group of polar bears to have extremely powerful gravity fields to pull anything near them onto their bodies, creating a shield of debris around the bear. This self repairs due to the constant stream of debris collected. These enhanced polar bears, code-named SAMS (Specialized Assault Meat Shield) are used in combination with T.S.U's to swamp enemies during trench warfare.
and the most scary weapon "Z.A.K.K.E.H" 
[edit] Björk
Björk, the benevolent robot with the weird voice, rules the country. She retains her position of power by Divine Right, and when that is not sufficient, she lets out a primitive roar. CD recordings of such events are popular export and has sometimes been described as musical. Björk herself consists of 45% of Iceland's economy. She was once part of a sculpture made from iceland's littlist glacier to improve the land, which only had ice before. Later, through the Philadephia Project, she became an immortal robot. She was in a band called the Sugar Cubes, which was quickly devoured increasing her already finite power and had them deported to the cultural wastelands of Canada. Since that time, she has slugged reporters from Spain to New Zealand and has wiped out the indigenous life forms of Greenland through her voice which she refers to as "pagan poetry".
The letter in her name "ö" is to show she has very small eyes and likes to show people what's she currently eating. Occasionally, she stars in a depressing film. She reproduces asexually.
[edit] Language
Björkish was made the official language of Iceland when Björk became the warmongering fascist dictator peace loving High Priestess of Iceland. A research team of linguists has been assigned to analyse the code of murmurs and high pitched squeaks, but progress is slow due to the team's loss of hearing.
The unofficial language, Icelandic, is entirely unvoiced and oddly has no word for "sleep-through-the weekend in the summertime". It is closely related to the "Ainu" language of the natives in Japan. The most used Icelandic sentences are "Ha?", which can be translated as "What did you say?", "Skiluru?" (pronounched sklru), which means "Do you understand" and "Þúst", roughly transalated as mass but is usually used as "You know". Most of the roadsigns you see in Iceland say "Blindhæð". Translated into English, this means "You can't see what's coming on this piece of sh*t road". Other famous jokes are: "Hey, hvað ertu að gera þarna tómatsósan þín?" loosely translated into "Heterosexual Gangrape", "Andlitslyfting", loosely translated to "Fuck you ninja"
[edit] Geography
Iceland is home to the largest Glacier on an Island in the North Atlantic (except Greenland) called "Vatnajokull" (lit. "Water Glacier"--Icelanders are renowned for their creative use of language) as well as many active volcanoes. In 1996, Björk's good friend Tori Amos visited iceland, and Tori was so inspired by the varied landscape of Iceland that she created an album out of the sounds of hot springs gurgling and the glaciers melting and cracking, due to global warming. It was named "Boys for Pele" -after the famous volcano goddess in Icelandic Mythology, Pele.
The best thing to do if you ever get lost in the woods in Iceland is to stop drinking, stand up, and go home.
[edit] Fauna Spotlight
A favourite snack in Iceland is the Penguin. These defenceless birds are caught by installing streetlights, which they mistake for the moon. The birds become so confused they eventually fall into boiling cauldrons kept below the streetlights.
During winter a special month-long puffin festival is held, where local people eat nothing but puffin and drink a homemade spirit called Black Death. During summer it's the people who do the puffin and the puffins that eat. Mostly leftovers from the single McDonalds, that opened in Reykjavik in 2004.
The most dangerous animal found in Iceland is the lesser known killer puffin (lat: puffinus killerus , e. Puff Diddy). Has no known natural enemies and feeds off whales, sheep and cured shark meat. Has been known to attack American male tourists (lat: touristus ignoramus americanus) looking for Icelandic females.
[edit] Economy
Traditionally, Iceland's economy subsisted mostly on the export of pixie dust and magical services. However, with the arrival of the Bubonic plague in the early 1940s, most magical beings in Iceland became extinct, or moved to Helsinki.
Currently, Icelanders use wit for currency, which means the smart people become rich and prosperous allowing for more offspring to pass on the intelligence, therefore a sort of evolutionary Darwinism of intelligence is happening. Most of the wealth is, however, originally generated by nomadic hunters and gatherers who scrape the tundra for reindeer fur, which in turn are processed into jokes about foreigners and sold in souvenir-shops.
Elf slavery was a big part of the country's economy until late 20th century, when a group of elf-slaves (Slalfes) from a fishfactory where bought by an Entertainment-mogul, Kári Stefánsson, who intended to use his newly-formed "slalfe" polka band to entertain at children-parties and at funerals. This experiment went terribly wrong when the band "Kári´s polka-slalfes & co" started their own underproject going by the name FreeUsElves (sigur-rós in icelandic), writing songs in elvish, icelandic and korean, protesting against elf slavery and high alcohol taxes.
The band is made up of 7 ex-slave-elves, named Gandálfur, Jónsi, Guttormur, and the rest of the band all have the name Trausti. (except for Bjarni, his name is Stefán) The newest album is called Takk... (onomatopeic term for thunder) and is their way to show the old slave-keepers the finger although they have none (elves do not have fingers (exept for Bjarni)). The elf slavery was soon abandoned after the word of this group spread around the world.
Today, Sigur-rós brings more cash in to the economy of iceland than the elf-slave-factories did before. People are flocking from all around the world to go elf-hunting in the highlands of Iceland and with the hope of getting the BIGprice, shooting down a member of this trouble-making elfband. Their polka tunes still are popular though in northern europe and rumour has it that an Italian teacher, Marenda Kúka shot down the band´s drummer in june 2004, collecting more then 600 kilos of raw hot-dogs as a reward. This, however, has not been confirmed; as there never was any beat in this band, no-one can really tell if the drummer is dead or alive.
Sigur-rós´s best known tracks are: Mary-Kate Ashley, Untitled #17, Untitled #15, Steel and a knife, and the most famous one, "I kind of have a nosebleed"
[edit] Imports
Everything except þorramatur
[edit] Exports
- Bottled crane-water
- Horses with huge cojones
- Women
- Jokes about foreigners
- Slaves
[edit] Sport
Iceland is famous for its sporting events. Curdling is a sport based on the sweeping of puffins on ice. Knurd, which is the throwing of sheep while intoxicated. Lava jumping and cod throwing are also popular. One factor in common with all healthy Icelanders is a daily sip of Lysi which contains pure fish oil and was widely used as a form of torture until the recipe was changed to include cod urin to make the Lysi look yellow and yummy. Some criticize the flavour, but research indicates that the fish oil's only benefit is built on the principle of "What doesn't kill you, may still get you drunk".
[edit] Snow peeing
Snow peeing is the most active sport in all of Iceland. You are supposed to make drawings in the snow of penguins. There are no known records of how to actually win this game, so unless the contestants agree on the winner when they run out of pee or become tired, the dispute is settled in physical confrontation.
[edit] Drunk driving
Jón "idiot" Keplan from Straumsvík is a legend in drunk driving. The sport is originally from Kópavogur but Jón made revolutionary changes to the game that have resulted in Kópavogur declaring war on Straumsvík on several occations. Still, the common consensus amongst experts is that the changes to the rules have made the sport more appealing to young people. Instead of scoring the most points by merely bumping pedestrians, the participant drives close to it, bombarding the horn and shouting various profanities at it. The score is determined by a mean between how far the pedestrian runs and for how long. Getting the pedestrian to freeze in terror gives extra points according to how long he stays in that state. For this reason, old people are generally considered the most appealing targets. Disputes about results are common in this sport since the direct aim is to be in a mental state of drunken frenzy while participating. As with most disputes in Iceland, a fight to the death is expected.
[edit] Eurovision
The Eurovision screaming contest retains it's place as the number 1 pick of transgenders in icelandic sports. Icelands entry for the 2008 competition includes but is not limited to a fag and a wannabe lesbian, and was picked after 6 bloody and ruthless months of brutal knockout stages, of which 49,18021435969% of the icelandic population were knocked out due to boredom, the rest being transgender.
[edit] Being really strong
Jon Paul the first Icelandic REAL man won the title "Strongest Man in The World" - in the 20.century. He now resides in heaven to the right side of God, where he will judge between living and asswooped in the coming armageddon.
[edit] Water-skiing
Icelanders have an annual water-ski contest, whoever reaches the Faroe Islands first, gets to stay there! Although, their skis are made of chopped icebergs, only 1/10 of their skis are above water which makes it even more difficult. No one has ever won the contest, sponsored by Smyril Line.
[edit] Handball
In Iceland, handball is the 3rd most popular sport and when the national team competes in the world cup (which nobody knows about), Icelanders loses their minds. The world cup has helped making projects for construction workers but has been criticized for being out of touch with the true Icelandic cultural norm with excess physical exercise and cunning. TV sales go through every roof in Iceland and tear them into pieces of slátur every time the handball team plays, as the never ending buy-a-ridiculously-expensive-tv-and-get-a-full-refund-and-keep-the-TV-if-Iceland-becomes-world-champion-which-will-never-happen-but -still-we-somehow-fool-you-every-year marketing goes on and on and on.
[edit] Penguin throwing
Penguin throwing was the national sport(Preceded by dwarf tossing), played mostly by the fishermen upon returning home to celebrate still being alive, until it was banned by the Japanese penguin settlers in 1994. The last national competition in 1992 was won by Jón Sigurðssonson´s ghost, who threw the penguin about 64 meters. He is still the national record holder or 'Íslandsmeistari'.
[edit] Education in Iceland
Education in Iceland is really lacking in many senses:
- All the students are high on whoremones.
- All the teachers are illiterate.
- All schools are like way to different from Menntaskólinn Hraðbraut (possibly with the exception of Menntaskólinn Hraðbraut).
“School? Isn't that like not working for poor people?”
~ Björk on Icelandic schools
- Students at MH often sleep with hookers at a young age, and as they are learning-ly impaired they don't use sheep intestine as condoms, ergo they have a lot of shit and crap in their bodies. They have also all given up to the evil forces of hyski.
“I hate it; when ever I go to the bathroom it hurts so frickin' much. I wish I hadn't had sex with that cheap hooker... man I could go for one of those right now. Mmmm.. Hookers..”
~ Student on hookers
“ Why pay hookers to have a conversation with you, whats wrong with these ho's nowadays?..”
~ Steingrímur Njálsson on hookers
“I absolutely love it! It's my favourite school!!!”
~ Verslingur on HR
[edit] Foods
Þorramatur is an old national tradition. Þorramatur could for example be, sour lamb balls, rotten shark, burned sheep heads, blood sausages, dry fish with butter and many other delicious courses. The preparation for Þorramatur is slowly dying in a regular household, and people mostly eat it at a restaurant and such. The preparations can be described in four easy steps:
- The carcasses of sheep, sharks and whale can usually be found on the few roads that are on Iceland.
- Store them in giant barrels of sour milk. Then bury the barrels in January. Wait until March... next year.
- Dig up the barrels in March and eat the contents. To ensure you do not die from the amount of hybrid bacteria, or burn a hole in your intestines, you must consume heavy amounts of the traditional brennivín (burning wine) to kill the bacteria, the taste and hopefully your conciousness.
- When drunk and with a acid reeking hole in your stomach, try to get laid.
- Rinse and repeat.
Among traditional Icelandic cuisine includes Ram testicles with lactose acid, Dried fish, Puffin roll-ups, Burnt sheep heads, Rotten shark with ammonium, Sheep jell-o, Pig jell-o, Sour milk, Skyr and Whale in a Bread bun.
[edit] Drinks
Egils Appelsín. This unique beverage does wonders for peoples hair, and is often used as shampoo. It gives a rare glistening shine, although the smell leaves something to be desired. Or you could just drink it, but it tastes funny. Also a common drink is Malt. If you mix Egils Appelsín and Malt, you get Egils Malt&Appelsín, which is also a common drink in Iceland, especially around easter and christmas. It is a well know fact that drinking malt will cause a temporary boot in chest hair growth.
Thule Beer, which is the only known reason why the original Norse viking settlers decided to sail there, and was also a necessity to maintain the Celtic slave population. Beer and slavery vere made illegal in 1989, but the next government didn't like that. Beer was allowed immediately, but slavery is still being discussed in Alþingi, the worlds oldest parliament. A temporary solution is the import of workers from Eastern Europe and Asia to build enormous concrete monuments to the current government, which aims to rival the Pyramids in Egypt and the great ice eating contests of Borlänge!
[edit] National Anthem
The Icelandic National Anthem really sucks. It really really sucks. When Iceland competes in international competitions where the National Anthem is required to be played before a match, it is usually frowned upon and laughed at. Iceland's solution to this problem is that it is never ever played in Iceland. Ever.
- Hæ hó, jibbí jei og jibbí og jei,
öll lönd sökka nema Ísland,
Íslendingar eru sterkastir
og stærstir
og flottastir
og æðislegastir
og þeir 0wnz þig n00b!
English translation:
- Hi ho, yibbee yay o' yibbee o' yay,
all countries suck except Iceland,
Icelanders are strongest
and biggest
and coolest
and best
and they 0wnz you n00b!
What is believed to be an earlier form of the anthem has recently been discovered by the ministry of love, but its authenticity is disputed.
[edit] Famous Icelandians
- Penguins
- Nanna
- Björk
- Polar bears
- Chuck ,,Hálfdán" Norris
- Sub-Zero
- David Husby, a.k.a. Dabbipabbi.
- Darth Vader
- Jon Dahl Tomasson, a.k.a. Judas
- The Burger King
- Arni the Wizard
- Fred Phelps
- Santa Claus
- Marteinn Möller
- Sigur Rós
- Bjartur Már (Emo Fag)
- Bubbi Morthens (Ásbjörn Morthenssen)
- LEROY JENKINS
[edit] See also
- Surtsey, Icelandic colony
- Anti-Icelandic sentiment
- Baggalútía
- Bjork
- New Bjork City
- Dabbi Icelandic Folk Tale
- Raufarhöfn
- Penguins
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