Illinois

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“What the fuck is this place?”

~ Abraham Lincoln, upon his arrival in Illinois

State flag.

The 'Mexican' flag of Illinois.

Situated on the windswept steppes of the American Midwest, Illinois is one of the 50-odd states of the United States of Armenia. Noted for its varied Geography, rich History, brilliant Literature, unique Biology, exciting Physical Education, somewhat boring Algebra II, rather stimulating Sexual Education, rather stimulating Sexual Acts, and endless fields of corn... no, wait, that last one's Iowa. Hilariously, Illinois is often mistaken for Camryn Manheim from the side.

Illinois used to have lots and lots of coal mines, but the tornado plague of aught-4 sucked all the coal away and deposited it in Iraq.

Illinoisians are noted for being terrible drivers, but are still better than those from Wisconsin and Minnesota. They are also called FIBs, which stands for "F***** Illinois Bastards", an insult a Packerstani 4-year old made up circa 1492.

Each year more than half of the states population migrates north to Wisconsin, or "Up North" as its known in Illinois in order to commit land rape and economically skull-fuck every small community within a 3-mile radius of a lake or interesting landmark, the latter of which there are none of in Wisconsin.

Contrary to popular belief, Illinois loves Democrats and black people.

1 Geography
2 History
3 Biology
4 Literature
5 Driver's Education
6 Physical education
- 6.1 Baseball
7 Boring algebra II
8 Fun Facts
9 Illinois Cities
10 Famous Illinoisans
11 Not So Famous Illinoisans
12 See Also

[edit] Geography

From the rolling prairies in the north, to the undulating prairies in the center, and the some other adjective prairies in the south, Illinois has earned her title as "Some state with an Assload of Praries" —Oscar Wilde.

In the deep, deep, south, or "little Ho-Bag Egyption Chick", there are a few hills oddly shaped like Janet Jackson's breasts. (Scary, innit?) Also, Egypt's own capital, Cairo, was relocated there circa 1500 BC by King Tut after he became bored of Egypt's crappy terrain.

Illinois has numerous rivers and streams, including the Mrs. Ippy River (named for the wife of discoverer Mr. Ippy), the Wobbish river (named for the river's extreme Wobbishness), the M Bra River (named for unknown reasons), and, strangely, the Illinois River. Plus some forests, some lakes, and other crap, including a deer. But just one, and he's a real prick.

Illinois is divided into two sections, Chicago, and Prairiecornmissourentuckeewadialand, aka "Not Chicago". Politics between these two parts of the state have been hotly debated. See Governor Rod Bla Blagoy...Blegoi...Smith. Rod Blagojevich for more. There. T

Geography of Illinois, highways.

[edit] History

Illinois was founded by the chief of the Illini people Chief Illiniwek, who recently was killed by a brigade of guilty white liberals, using "Native American" protest as a cover. This noble and wise leader was quoted as saying: "After I die, please use my name as a mascot at sporting events. Have some white guy dress up in a costume that has nothing to do with my culture, and dance around at halftime!" and "Duhnt da da Dananana da Duhnt da da Dananana da!" (vaguely Indian sounding Tomahawk chop song)

In 1673, Father Jacques (Black Jack) Marquette (French-born missionary of the Jesuit order and part-time pimp), Louis Joliet (it's pronounced jo-lee-et damnit!), (Canadian goalie and mapmaker), and John Lennon (British songwriter and God), were the first Europeans to view the land on which the City of Chicago was to stand. It was there, they met with Illini Chief Wipes Without Leaves along what is now the Chicago River. Wipes Without Leaves greeted his new visitors with welcoming, unwashed arms, and assisted them in traversing the region.

The Illini were later run out by the coming of the Americans (although the French technically arrived first, it's amazing they managed to defeat anybody, let alone Indians). It was the Americans who founded the City of Chicago on a place the Indians called "Place of the Stinking Onion" (seriously) which later was renamed "Place of the Stinking Sports Teams" for obvious reasons. A few years later Abraham Lincoln was born in a log cabin in some other state (Kentuckistan), but moved to Illinois to get away from the constant underaged cousin marrying, and because people there were FUCKTARDS. In Illinois he founded the city of Springfield, which would later gain prominence as the home of The Simpsons. Lincoln gained fame by challenging Kirk Douglas to a series of debates, the oddly and randomly named Lincoln-Douglas Debates. When Lincoln won, Oscar Wilde quipped "That Lincoln was a master debater!" Lincoln used his fame to be elected President. This started the Civil War.

In recent years a movement has begun in Illinois to forcibly remove the largest city from the state. Led by the elder statesman Chuck Ficago (rearrange the first consonant sounds of each word to form a true statement) the movement emphasizes the annoying stupid jerkiness of the Windy City.

[edit] Biology

Illinois is an amazing natural wonder where corn and soy beans grow wild on the prairie and can be seen in their natural habitat called "farms." Illinois is home to, like, a zillion deer, plus probably some birds, and squirrels (including the odd, white ones in Olney), softball-sized pigeons in Chicago, U of I students, and other crap, including, but not limited to, the famous bald-balled eagle and some more corn and soy beans.

[edit] Literature

Illinois was the birthplace of many famous writers, including Carl "Ryno" Sandburg, who wrote poems and played for the Cubbies; that dude who wrote "Spoon River Anthology," who was famous for writing "Spoon River Anthology,"; and James Jones, the From Here to Eternity guy, not the "Let's go to the jungle and drink poisoned Kool-Aid" guy. (He was from Indiana!)

[edit] Driver's Education

One of the funniest and worst signs ever made in Illinois. See Effingham for more.

Drivers would be crazy by looking at that street name.

Illinois boasts hundreds of thousands of miles of roadway, almost 1.7% of which are in drivable condition at any given time. The rest are under construction, fuelling the state's economy by adding needed jobs in the road construction industry, and the Illinois Political Patronage Brotherhood of Sign Holders and Shovel Leaners, which depends on constant road construction for its continued existence. To maintain the roads in this condition, state law requires concrete to contain at least 35% white corn meal (cleverly subsidizing the Illinois farmer as well as the road construction industry). It also mandates tar products to be replaced with black licorice in the manufacture of asphalt. During summer months, hapless Illinois home-owners across the state obtain big brushes and squeegees, and can be seen coating their driveways with a new layer of melted black licorice, vainly but valiantly attempting to prevent them (the driveways, not the home-owners) from disintegrating into grey pebbles. This explains the popular saying: "There are two seasons: Blizzard, and Tornado". Also synonymous with "Winter and Construction" in the North.

More people die on Illinois roadways than those who die from AIDS in Africa This is primarily due to hit-and-run rapist Ronald Reagan, who has accounted for more than all of the deaths and who remains at-large.

FACT: 4 out 5 Wisconsin Drivers would rather drive via South Dakota than drive through the state of Illinois.

FACT: 5 out of 5 Illinois Drivers are fine with that.

[edit] Physical education

Illinois is home to numerous sports teams including:

[edit] Baseball

DaBears State
State animal:	The human (Homo sapiens)
State band:	Lincoln's Bedroom
State bird:	Extended Middle Digit Bird (Screwyouis yousuckis)
State capital:	Chicago
State governor:	Kim Jong Il
State exclamation:	"Pipeboooomb" or "Balllllin!!"
State dance:	The Robot
State fish:	The Toilet Fish (Looswimmis majoris)
State flower:	Oddly enough, the Yellow Rose of Texas. An Illinois regiment captured it during the Civil War. (Nobodyus Caresus)
State fossil:	Grandma Moses (Oldus womanis)
State insect:	George W. Bush (Gorgus Bushicus)
State language:	English, Spanish (both official)
State mineral:	Vitamin C
State shovel:	Spade
State Sit-com:	Roseanne
State Anime:	Tokyo Mew Mew
State motto:	"What are you gonna do about it, I'm from Illinois!"
State amphibian:	A fucking frog!
State Song:	"Ohio's for Lovers, Illinois for Divorcees"
State prairie grass:	Little Purplestem (Andropogoat georgerdii)
State slogan:	"Under Construction" (unofficially "Don't pronounce the fucking 's', ok?")
State soil:	Dirt
State song:	"You Be Illin'" by Run-DMC
State snack:	Gopher tits
State tree:	That tall one over there... No, wait, a little to the left... Yep, that's the one! (Biggis tallus)
State disease:	Dandy Fever
State bone:	Femur
State school:	UIUC
State state:	Confused
State parasite:	Rod Blagojevich (Governorus Withanamehardtospellus)
State color:	Orange, the color of road construction signs
State Plague:	Gonorrhea
State Pastime:	Sex
State Hero:	Dennis DeYoung

Chicago White Sox (who have more balls than most of San Francisco and have more bamdwagon fans with aids than the

San Fran Giants)

Chicago Cubs (who haven't gone to the World Series in the last 23,209 years, but still suck more balls than most of San Francisco) }

Schaumburg Flyers (who used to rock, but now are a lame Creed tribute band)

Milwaukee Brewers (a minor-league team that plays near Waukegan).

Chicago Bears, known as Da Bears still suck (who totally rock)

Chicago Bullshits (who used to be horrible, then they rocked, now they may do something useless)

Rumor has it that there's a university somewhere in Illinois that may have had a good basketball team in the '04-'05 season, but the rumors have never been confirmed.

[edit] Boring algebra II

Simplify:
Answer is:
Factor:
Answer is:

[edit] Fun Facts

State animal: The human (Homo sapiens)

(This was changed from "Construction Sawhorse" (those things alongside the road with the white and orange stripes and the little orange light that ironically enough beeps when it blinks - like you can 'hear' a light blink at 65mph) in 2004)

Automobiles in the State of Illinois release concentrated evil instead of exhaust.
Residents of Illinois are proven to have 33% more kidneys.
State bird: Extended Middle Digit Bird (Screwyouis yousuckis)
State capital: Chicago
State governor: Kim Jong Il
State exclamation: "Pipeboooomb"
State dance: The Robot
State fish: The Toilet Fish (Looswimmis majoris)
State flower: Oddly enough, the Yellow Rose of Texas. An Illinois regiment captured it during the Civil War. (Nobodyus Caresus)
State fossil: Grandma Moses (Oldus womanis)
State insect: George W. Bush (Georgus Bushis)
State language: Broken English, Spanish
State mineral: Vitamin C
State motto: "Only pussies live in Illinois!"
State prairie grass: Little Purplestem (Andropogoat georgerdii)
State shovel: Spade
State Sit-com: Roseanne
State amphibian: A fucking frog!
State Anime: Tokyo Mew Mew
State band: Lincoln's Bedroom
State slogan: "Land of Corn & Beans" (unofficially "Don't pronounce the fucking 's', unless it is used in conjunction, somehow, with the phrase "Bring the Noise" and it rhymes, ok?")
State snack: Peanut butter
State soil: Dirt
State Song: "Ohio for Lovers -- Illinois for Divorcees (Sad, Tired, Worn-Out Divorcees)"

(This was changed in 2004 from "Construction Ahead" after it was discovered that more Illinoisans knew their state motto better than other people in their respective states. When asked what the state motto was in other states, multiple answers of 'I didn't know there were otters here' showed up on the survey)

State tree: That tall one over there... No, wait, a little to the left... Yep, that's the one! (Biggis tallus)
State disease: Dandy Fever
State bone: Femur
State prime number: 12
State school: UIUC
State state: Confused
State parasite: Rod Blagojevich (Governorus Withanamehardtospellus)
State residence nickname: FIB (Fucking Illinois Bastard, used exstensivly in Wisconsin and on NCC-1701C and the planets Ariel, Persephone and Miranda)
State color: Yellow, the color of fucking corn
State Fossil: Barbara Bush
State Plague: Gonorrhea
State State: Illinois
State Parrot: the Norwegian Blue
State Country: Finland
State Barbarian: the Viking
State Pastime: Circle Jerk
Home of the rare Zaku.
Two time recipient of "Most Likely To Be Hit By A Meteorite" award.
Illinois has frequent supernatural plagues. The most recent (and ongoing) is the Plague of the DuPage County, in which several thousand SUV's encountered a gentle curve and rolled over.
Most likely state to be voted out of the Union.
Illinois is the only state where the even-numbered east-west highway, Interstate 94 runs north and south. Usually occurs within the Chilwaukee metropolitan area.
One of the few states that have to remind their drivers with road signs not to drive on the shoulder and to use their turn signals, which is usually up by chicago
When it comes to nuclear, Illinois is the worst state to live in the US. The state has 13 nuclear power plants than any other state. If one nuke plant causes an explosion, all people will intensely be escaping Illinois including the megacity Chicago. Illinois is known as "The Chernobyl of the West."
In the small town of Manthongo are assembled the ~~most~~ ugliest ~~motha fuckas~~ mother fuckers ever.

[edit] Illinois Cities

Millions of people are lining up to defecate at the famous Chicago Sanitary & Shit Canal.

Belvidere - Illinois' largest automotive producing place outside of Detroit, Michigan. ~~Daimler~~Chrysler rules this village the employees there are subject to lose their jobs and intrude the residential homes. Belvidere has the most awesome Oasis on the highway. Highly recommended for their McDonald's egg mcmuffins. I went there once. It was fun. You should stop there.

Bloomington - Not to be confused with Bloomingdale, Illinois, Bloomington has a variety of colleges to choose here other than the mega four Oxford, Harvard, Yale or Northwestern University,

Bonnie - In the 1920's a teenage Bonnie Parker went to this unincorporated town before meeting her BF in Chicago then in Texas.

Cahokia - The largest mass grave in the United States, containing 193 million bodies. It was created during the Great Native-American Holocaust by Abraham Lincoln by his first executive order after becoming president.

Carbondale - A slave camp in Southern Illinois run by the Ku Klux Klan. Asian exchange students and hippies are put to work in the nearby Shawnee timber mines and picking grapes in local vinegaries.

Cairo - The Egyptians settled here before Abraham Lincoln did. The 2008 economy is a bit sluggish, with an average per capita income of -$246.00, which they need quick before the electricity is shut off again.

Champaign - The parasitic twin of Urbana. Many alcoholics live here, making this the alcohol (especially beer, vodka, and wine) capital of Illinois.

Cherry Valley - The only well-known community of Rockford. The biggest waterpark in Illinois is crowded on every summer and people defecate, urinate and ejaculate while having fun in the pool.

Main article: Chicago

Main article: Chicago's suburbs

Chicago - Chicago is not compared to Los Angeles or New York City but it is quite a mini-New York. Immigrants who are sick and tired of living in those two megacities can move to Chicago. Asian, Latino and European immigrants are mixed in this city. Over 80% of VIP are born in Chicago. Chicago is also know the railroad capital of the world.

Christopher - A well-known town boys' name town in Illinois. All males living here are named Chris. All females living here are males.

DeKalb - Motto: "Our college is famous now".

Dixon - The Devil lived here.

East Dubuque - Locals call it East Des Moines. Its true name is East St. Louis.

East St. Louis - The crime ridden suburb in the St. Louis area compared to Harvey, Chicago's south side. This is not a safe place to view the St. Louis skyline.

"Welcome to Effingham" sign.

Effingham - It was named after the word fuck. F-bombs were dropped in this town. Other names for this town are called F***ingham, F**kingham, F*ckingham, and Fuckingham. Also the towns high school mascot is the flamming fags.

Elizabeth - Named after a first limey, Queen Elizabeth, the American version of the Japanese style observation tower is only landmark in America.

Evanston - The richest part of Chicago.

Freeport - Largest slave market in pre-civil war times.

Galena -

Galesburg - Abraham Lincoln once stopped here to take a leak.

Granville - Don't Fucking come here. You'll never forgive yourself.

Fake prison inmates made out of wax inside the Joliet Correctional Center aka Fox River.

Joliet - Chicagoland's prison city, it is home of the Stateville Correction Center and prison (aka Fox River).

Kankakee - Also known as Skankakee. Many skanks live in this area. Considered the skank and slut capital of Illinois.

Loves Park - Used to be called Lovelace Park, after people felt anxious about a popular porn star Linda Lovelace, hundreds of residents wrote a complaint letter to the city hall to change the city name.

Manteno - Home of the badass motha fuckas as stated above. Also, lots of corn, old people, and corn.

Metropolis - Is this the place where Superman live? Maybe in the Smallville series version. But there are no movie theatres nor skyscrapers in town. Batman is often seen parading about here pretending to be Superman.

Marion - The home of the federal supermax prison, where dangerous criminals are locked up and subject to anal rape by the ghost of John Gotti, a former inmate. See also Joliet, for the Stateville Correction Center.

Minooka- The land of shadow, where demons stalk the living and the dead teach high school.

Moline - You will lose parts of your car in this town. I shit you not.

Mount Vernon - George Washington was born here. Academy Award winner Jack Black lived here for a month or two.

Normal - The strangest town in Illinois.

Ottawa - A little slice of Canada trapped in Illinois' body. Known far and wide for heroin-use, some shit about Abe Lincoln, approximately 43,782.6 tactless murals and a McDonald's that serves Happy Meals containing marijuana and related products.

Pecatonica - Transliterated as "Sweet Freckles."

Peoria - A corn field populated by smart-ass magpies.

Pontiac - Inspired by the automobile, the town was founded by Buddhists in 1981.

Quincy - Known as the gayest town in Illinois, Quincy is home to a very talented pool of athletes who dominate their respective sports of arcade basketball and mini-golf. Also the residents of Quincy are set to invade the smaller assholes of little boys.

Rock Island - A large hobo camp with a population of approximately 5,500 persons living in ramshackle tents, shacks, and shanties. The most common cause of death for locals is falling asleep on the railroad tracks, with tuberculosis as a close second. Contrary to popular opinion, Rock Islanders ARE stabbing hoboes and not just the singing kind. Be careful.

Rockford - Hooker capital of Illinois and home of James Garner. Also filled with Emos. Also the birthplace of the 80's porn star Ginger Lynn.

Scales Mound - There's a mini-mountain in Illinois that you could see Galena, the Mississippi river, Iowa, Wisconsin, and the Sears Tower when you climb on the top.

Shermer - Where all the honeys are top-shelf, but all the dudes are whiny pussies - except for Judd Nelson, he was fuckin' harsh. Mayor of Shermer: Some fuck named John Hughes.

Sigel - This town name can be short for SIEG HEIL!

Skokie - The Semitic capital of Illinois, home to millions of Jews. When it is dark, you are likely to be eaten by a Jew.

Sleepy Hollow - The scariest place in Illinois. You are likely to be a grue.

South Beloit - The sleeping community of Beloit, Wisconsin. Mostly wild college boys and girls from Beloit College.

Springfield - This is the place where The Simpsons live, if you can call life in Springfield "living". Gail Simpson is Alderman of Ward 2. The governor of Illinois can eat my shorts!

Timberlane - A small band is formed here 2030 named after it. When Justin Timberlake is 50 years old, a future band Timberlane will join him.

Urbana - The parasitic twin of Champaign. Many alcoholics live here, making this the alcohol (especially beer, vodka, and wine) capital of Illinois.

Utica - A one mile stretch of town included 6 bars and a completely un-necessary gazebo. Seriously, is this even a town?

Waukegan - An Algonquin word, meaning, "The Good Land," aka, "Milwaukee To the South (w/o Beer)". Murder capital (per capita) of Illinois, surpassed in the Mid-West US only by Gary, Indiana, and Detroit, Michigan. (But said to be making a comeback. Go, little trash town, go!)