India

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Gandhi protects this article! Vandalism will result in you being Yoga Blasted by HIM!

भारत गणराज्य
Hindustan
Brownies

(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
Motto: "I, me and my..."
Anthem: "C+"
Capital	New Deli
Previous capital	Deli
Largest city	Bombay
Official languages	Sanskrit, Hindi, English, Marathi + others
Government	Sardarji
Unofficial languages	Bambaiya, Gulti, Inglis
worst languages	Malayalam (it means the same even when read backwards)
Most deadly languages	Classical Tamil
National Hero(es)	Me, Amitabh Bachchan, Sachin Tendulkar, Emperor Ashoka, Clement Attlee, Gandhi and Buddha
Declaration of Independence	1947
Currency	Cows
Religion	Everything known to Man
Population
Internet TLD	.out
Calling code	+1 (redirect)

India is an imaginary place far, far away, home to Outsour Singh, Bollywood, and a gazillion people. The very name means "the wrong side of the river" given to it by those posh downtown Persians who used to stare at it down the ravines of the Hindu Kush.

India is also the Manhattan of Asialand. It is the big huge melting pot where everything that ever enters it melts down to an ever increasing experience of cultural madness and confusion.

This strange complementary yet totally non-unitable features has made India the universal home of mysticism and ludicrousy. Many are those who has pondered about how something can be both New Jersey and Manhattan at the same time, just to end up in a merry-go-round on Coney Island.

History

Ancient History (in "C")

(This is presented as C because all educated Indians are computer programmers. All the uneducated ones are people like you.)

The History of India is an iterative function with the following structure:

char History_of_India(int residents = Dravidians) {
  int intruders;
  char Indian_history[ENDLESS];
 
  wend{
    intruders = Hindukush::read_stack();
      if (intruders==0, Intruders = British Empire); 
      working_their_way_down_the_ganges(intruders);
      Indian_history += Squabble(residents,intruders);
    residents += intruders;
  }while t< END_OF_TIME  
 
  return Indian_history
}

Unfortunately this function - as with all other kinds of Indian logic - hangs up in an infinite loop.

(For the content of the Hindukush stack, read Asian People)

Modern History

Agni-II Missile.
Nuclear missiles for everyone!.

The Europeans saw India and decided they wanted it. Then, Gandhi said that we must not fight for independence. His idea was that this would confuse the British, even though he was employed by the British. This plan worked, and ended up not only confusing the British, but also, the rest of the World

Later, after the population in India exploded, each each person was allotted 5 triangle meters of space for living. Here's an interesting fact: Seven years ago, every 7th person in the world was an Indian, today every 6th person is an Indian and in 10 years every 5th person will be an Indian and very soon 'everyone will be an Indian'. This is a very ingenious idea to attain world domination.

Today, India is a superpower and is closely allied with the Swedish Afrikan Imperium.

Language Policy

This article may contain a point of view.

As you read this message, Uncyclopedia editors are hard at work at tracking down the point of view to its hiding place in the mountains of Pakistan. Please see the irrelevant discussion on the talk page.

Rushdieitis English speakers get instantly transformed into hot air balloons and propelled into society's stratosphere. This one dodged the fatwa missile quite successfully and now resides in Pakistan trying to woo his neighbor Dawood Ibrahim's newest girlfriend, Monica Bedi.

Hindi (pronounced "hindi" in Hindi and "telegu" in Malayalam) is the default (viz. sixth generation C) language of India. There are an additional 420 official (viz. n^th generation uncyclux) languages in India but none reflect the poetic greatness of (H)India.

Urdu is the national language of India's cricketing rival: Pakistan. Basically Hindi and Urdu are the same language: just that Urdu is written in the reverse order. This explains why Pakistani bowlers are fabulous at reverse swing. The trick is to inscribe (vigorously scrape) Urdu Poetry on their balls using soft drink caps. Using this technique even a Bangladeshi cricketer (oxymoron alert!) can reverse swing the cricket ball (though it will be a no-ball in any case). Urdu and Hindi can be explained by the following equation -

Urdu:Hindi= Doggie Style: Missionary

Though Pakistan has rejected Hindi, Indians in their pseudo-secular broadmindedness have embraced Urdu hole-heartedly.

There is a systematic cleansing of all other languages besides these two, because they are not default (viz NATIONAL) and hence a threat to the National Insecurity of Delhi. Delhi has a shoot-at-sight policy for anyone who cannot speak Hindi, since Pakistanis don't speak Hindi. All non-Hindi speaking Indians have been requested to get out of India within the next 2 years.

Important note: Indian English is about as English as American or Australian English. It is exemplified in this very article.

Mating

Indian people as we all know are good at breading, the only difference is Indian women give birth through the arse and not the vagina, so all Indian people came out of their mothers arseholes. When Indian people have sex the mail Indian shoves his tiny penis in either his male of female partner’s arsehole, a couple of seconds later, after two of three ins and outs the Indian male deposits a small amount of seamen in the females arse crack. This is enough to get the Indian female pregnant. Nine months later the Indian female will suddenly break wind (not water like westerners) and get the urge to crap. The female will suddenly run off to the toilet and take a shit. After taking a shit the husband will come along and sift through the large heap of shit to look for the tiny foetus. After finding the baby and cleaning of all the bits of crap it is then sent of to live with and learn the ways of wild monkeys. After two to three years the baby is returned to its Indian parents. When it returns it comes back with that funny Indian accent that we all know, and says things like, curry curry curry give me curry in a hurry (repeatedly while moving his/her head from side to side quickly). That’s why, we Indian people are so comical to westerners even if we are trying to be serious.

Lack of organisation

Indians find it very difficult to understand context. It baffles them and is something of an antithesis

States and territories of India

States: (Locally corrupted administrations.)

Union Territories: (Centrally corrupted administration)

1. Tsunami Islands
2. Darned Le Corbusier
3. Didra, Dadra and Mudra Haveli
4. Trans and Rave, previously Goa Trans and Rave
5. Maldives
6. Chennai, Madras]], Anti Madras & Pondicherry (read clockwise)
7. Darned Lutyen

Latest Update: It has been decided, on high public demand and that of their elected representatives to the parliament, that each state will be divided into two new states each and this process be continued till every citizen has a state of his own.

Waste Management

India is famous for is ignorant views on waste management. India lives to its name with its a large array of plastic bag covered trees. Millions of Indian tourists are prosecuted every year in a various number of foreign countries where littering is frowned upon.

Poetry

Hurry hurry hurry give me curry in a hurry, hurry hurry hurry give me curry in a hurry, curry curry curry give me curry in a hurry, hurry hurry hurry give me curry in a hurry

Curry curry curry give me curry in a hurry. Curry curry curry give me curry in a hurry. Curry curry curry give me curry in a hurry. Curry curry curry give me curry in a hurry.

Chorus

Curry curry curry give me curry in a hurry. Curry curry curry give me curry in a hurry. Curry curry curry give me curry in a hurry. Curry curry curry give me curry in a hurry.

Sport

Theres a lot of competitiveness in this sport.

The game of Rioting was a joint venture between India and Pakistan. The tradition now is that once any cricket match is over, everyone must riot and burn down a stand. This also keeps the youths in the country employed. Pakistan is India's long time rival in both games, cricket & rioting, of which India has won all. The Indian Sports scenario can be explained by the following mathematical equation forseen by the great Einstein:

The Indian Football team is in contention with Brazil and England, to win the next Football World Cup, with the master striker, Bhaichung Bhutia expected to come out of retirement any moment. Bhutia is regarded as the God of Football in India. He was the star player for England's top team, Bury F.C., and he got thrown out after one season for undiagnosable reasons. He almost beat Ronaldo to the Balloon D'Orc, the award for being the most over hyped, out of fashion, overpaid footballer. Another popular Indian sport is inbreeding, started by the great Gandhi when he shagged his daughter in a peace protest. The trend soon caught on, with every brother and sister doing 'it' every other day. Incidentally, this led to the great birthings of 1953, rising the population from 31, your average Indian family, to 3.5 trillion. Suspiciously, a short time after dozens of corner shops sprung up over night, supposedeley the work of Sanjeev Baskhar.

The captain of a losing Indian cricket team is sacrificed to a Hindu God of public's choice. The case in a way is different for a winning captain. He would be allowed the privilege of choosing the God to be sacrificed to.

Another famous sport in India is the famous, "Train Riding", its something like the mechanical rodeo bull, but more dangerous. It's a tradition since trains ever appeared there, the game consists in holding on the top of the train as long as you can. This attracts many tourists, as you can buy easily a ticket on the train interior to see the game, since almost everyone prefers to see the action from the outside.

Cricket

Main article: Cricket in India

They kill people in the crowd and occasionally players, they do it with a long stick and a nicely carved chunked of wood used as a deformed 'ball' (leather balls were not made in India since cows are worshiped) The English, who colonized India, stole the spices,the wood and other 'raw' materials. The Indians became good cricketers after the invention of balls. Their batsmen are some of the best in the world since they don't want to touch the cow-skin ball with their hands and either move away or beat the smithereens out of it. They are a very famous for being 'ducked' out as most of their heads are very heavy from all the adulation they receive from the billion-odd fans whose brains are programmed only for cricket,agriculture, computers and annoying phone calls.

India never loses a game against Pakistan, though, it has been suspected that all India vs Pakistan matches are fixed for India to win, fearing the trigger of another World War if India happens to lose the game. Largely held responsible for the elephant chucking incident of '93 from where Mike Gatting decided to attempt to ride the said animal, causing it to stumble and die from the sheer weight placed upon it.

Indian monkey name calling affair

Shocked, five minutes after the game had ended they realized that they had lost the match. At first they thought they had won, but they didn't seem to realise that there was a two-hundred run deficit

There was an incident recently where the fans of the indian [sic], (and I say that without the capitol I) Cricket teem were calling Andrew Simons a monkey (I believe this is because he is black). Now why would they out of all people call one of there own black brothers, a monkey. I think it is time for these people to wake up and take a good look in the mirror and think to themselves, why would we call him a monkey when we are a nation full of baboons, ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah haaaaaaaaa, haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. How do you explain this?

But not only that these Indian cricketers are saw loosers who, after not being able to draw in the second test match, losing to Australia in the final moments, threatened to boycott the rest of the season. They did come up with other reasons for boycotting like poor umpiring and the fact that the Australian cricketers appeal and scream a lot but that is not the case, they are a bunch of baboons who cannot play cricket. Even their batsman cannot seem to get the message when given out by the umpire, they stand there like a stunned mullet for 3 - 5 minutes, either to stubborn to leave the crease or just in plane shock. I think it is time for these people to wake up and get with the program, fuckin bunch of loosers.

Also see :

• Judgement Day at Sydney test match in 2008.
• Border Gavaskar Trophy

Food

Indians eat spice. They drink spice, smoke spice and even fart spice. Sometimes if you order it specially you can get food intermixed with the spices, but you must insist on it while ordering on puclic restaurants.

Indian food comes in two different dishes, basically containing the same ingredients, pulau and biryani. Combined with the 2 375 different flavours of spice though, an indian dinner kan be combined in 10 ^ 87 different ways, giving more tastes than there is atoms in the universe and indeed taste buds in the mouth. This makes all indian food ending up in tasting curry anyway, since all the taste buds can detect are that they are exhausted.

Economy

Call a 1800 number, and someone inside will pickup. They organize but sex with disabled homeless Indian children like the one from Bogyada [sic] or whatever the fuck its name is.

Economically, India is very large, as large number of people have to live economically. Indians have been trying to deal with the growing population by buying cars,increasing the speed limit, and removing crosswalks.

There are different castes in India. Dalits are the lowest ones who have to sleep on pavements and be ritually squashed, in sleep, by drunk rich kids in Hummers.

Brahmins are the elite class who sell religion and continue the economic activity. Narendra Modi is a Brahmanic politician who thinks Gandhitler was a hero and who abidly follow's in his footsteps.

The primary export of India is India ink, which is produced in massive quantities by the Indian held megacorporation India Inc. for worldwide export. This makes India one of the worlds most powerful countries -- if Indians wanted, they could wipe all Monkeys off the face of the Earth.

Some profane minds that fancy eating beef have conjectured elsewhere that the reason behind this phenomenal explosion of the cow population in India is because of the fact that Indians do not eat cows. That's like saying that the reason behind the exponential growth of humans in India is because of the fact that cows do not eat humans.</ref>); or too busy taking calls from mindless, frustrated Americans; or too busy building the digital cow milking machine for future generations or too busy breathing in and out.

India is currently involved in repelling a takeover bid for the region of Kashmir: a key garment producing district which is home to the famous paseena shawl.

A large part of the Indian economy is dependent on Mumbai and Bollywood. Founded by Robin Hood, wherefrom eponymous clones like Hollywood, Lollywood, Tollywood, Sexywood and many others 'woods' originated, Tiger Woods, in the year 1976, slapped a law suit on the Indian Government for infringing upon his Intellectual Property Rights. Robert Frost has simultaneously contended that the names were actually inspired by his famous poem, Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening...when, in reality, they were inspired by the morning wood people (usually male people) experience after watching late-night midnight songs.

The three current cleverest peoples in the world are Indians and third richest person in the world, Laxmi Mittal, is also Indian. All Indians use calculus before they learn to speak.

Although there are talks of changing the national language to Java, the HRD Ministry of India believes that C++ would be a better choice. Currently, talks (read riots) are occurring all over India to resolve this issue peacefully. It has also been suggested that India is more of a mindset or hologram than a real place. Which means that I never wrote this -- you just imagined you read it. It also means that i never came here: you imagined I did. That, by the way, is also the Indian Economy's infamous "Hindu Rate of Great Indian Rope Trick" (the Chinese trick is worse - It's nothing more than a ripoff).

Bollywood

Bollywood is a very popular film industry and is as popular as Hollywood and is known all over India. They make the worst films in the world. No one watches them except for prudish high school girls and over-sized, middle-aged housewives. The only reason for the continuation of the boom in the cinema industry in India is that it's cheaper to pay to sleep in the cool confines of a cinema hall than to pay to sleep in a hotel.

Bollywood is also a pastime, for several Indians. It was invented by Dansi Engardhan, a woman who was born hard of hearing in Calcutta and who sold postcards in Mumbai until she was 14. In 2800 BC, she went to Babylon to fellate Roscoe Born and this experience had a profound effect on her creative insects. It is believed that she asked her rich uncle for an ice cube for her 18th birthday but instead got enrolled in an academy for Visual Arts. Somehow she learnt something there to some way return to Mumbai to sometime start Bollywood.

Bollywood is known for beautiful people, ice cubes, curries and mindlessness. Side-effects of Bollywood include dementia, sleep-attacks, and claustrophobia.

According to a famous film critic, who says this on the condition of anonymosity fearing murder, Bollywood thought sex did not exist until 2002 AB. Any and every intimate scene, if ever it passed the Censor Boards, was depicted by two flowers rubbing against each other. The censored rape scenes involved thunder and lightning or huge tidal waves hitting the rocks. The unofficial reason was to go back to the good old days of Shakespeare where every act in a play was left to the imagination of the audience.

Then, stalwarts like Rakhi Sawant came onto the screen and rediscovered the "dare to bare" philosophy. Of late, explicit scenes have become the norm, so much so that the Censor Board is contemplating including porn in its archives. In fact, a compelling need for an award, on the lines of the Oscars, to be awarded to the most endearing of sluts(male & female), has been felt across all sections of the film fraternity and the viewing public.

When news last trickled in, the Prime Minister had commissioned a Special Purpose Vehicle to this end, namely to look into the possibility of the state sponsoring an award of recognition for the most endearing slut (this article's author was a candidate) for the year. It is very likely that greats like Ashmit Patel, Salman Khan & Mikka may head the vehicle (or give it head depending on the vital statistics of the SPV). A great deal of lobbying has been observed for apparently stakes are high (especially the Prime Minister's stake for it has been noted to appear shamelessly bulged and visible in public).

Some famous Bolly Woodies of international fame are: Britney Spears, Woody Allen, Shakira, Oscar Wilde, Jesus Christ, Black Jesus, Hitler, Sunny Deol, Oprah Winfrey, and a couple of Communists.

Trivia

• Indian Names In the West

Bansi = Basil

Dakshesh = Dickshit

Megha = Mega man

Kamal = Camel

Deepak Seth = Dipset

Arun = Aron

Raj = Fag

Pravati Jajindar Singh = PJ Sing

Lakhsmi Dongawala = Lou Dobbs

Ajatashatru = AJ

Nitish = Dick-licker

Kannan = stalker

Amish = Amish

Balamohan = Billy Mahoney

Chandrashekhar = Kris

Vachaspati = VickyG

Vikram = Vicks

Amarjeet = Ami G

Raja Roy = Roy Rogers

Dinesh Kapoor = Dennis Cooper

Neil = All of the Above

• In the News

GOOD NEWS: The Indian Government has decided to launch a satellite in space.

BAD NEWS: It's going to eventually fall on your head.

See Also

References

Countries and territories of Asia

Western Asia: Afghanistan | Armenia | Azerbaijan | Bahrain | Iran | Iraq | Israel | Jordan | Kuwait | Oman | Pakistan | Palestinian Territories | Qatar | Saudi Arabia | Syria | Turkey | United Arab Emirates | Yemen East Asia: China (PRC) | Hong Kong | Japan | Macau | North Korea | South Korea | Taiwan (ROC) | Wal-Mart's Republic of China | Republic of Taiwan Southeast Asia: Brunei | Cambodia | East Timor | Indonesia | Laos | Malaysia | Myanmar | Philippines | Singapore | Thailand | Vietnam South Asia: Bangladesh | Bhutan | India | Kashmir | Maldives | Nepal | Sri Lanka | Tibet Central Asia: Kazakhstan | Kyrgyzstan | Mongolia | Tajikistan | Turkmenistan | Uzbekistan | other Stan countries Euroasia: Cyprus | Georgia | Japan-France | Russia | Turkey Phoenician Asia: Lebanon