Indie
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Whoops! Did you mean Indy?
Note: The word “indie” has two meanings:
- A: A Brilliant music genre.
- B: A culture created by
morons, rejected and lobotomized"alternative" followers of that music genre.
But because cell division is too mainstream (popular) for indies, we'll talk about both topics in this article.
“Sshh don't tell anyone about this band, and don't even go to their gigs because they might get too popular”
~ Indie Kid on Indie Band
“What? Am I an indie already?”
~ Jesus on indie (while crucified).
“How do we know when an indie is ready?”
~ Oscar Wilde on whose wants to become indie
“Being atheist is in the scene.”
~ Indie on mainstreamess of God
Indie is besides other things, ranging from a kind of asphalt to the latest Oscar Wilde's book, a musical subgenre. Is more characterized by its fans than its music. Because by to this date, nobody agrees if a particular singer of group is indie or not.
Also fondly called as “indiots”, the indies try to move away from the popular or mainstream, they use “hard” drugs (like orange juice) and they feel like the most important people in the world with their tube jeans, plastic glasses (like Scooby Doo Velma's) and their bloody converse shoes. In short, they are similar people, with similar ridiculous clothing, similar shitty musical taste and besides they claim themselves as “alternative”. Unfortunately, the majority of indie singers and bands fails in their attempt making popular their creations, like polka, gospel, Nokia cellphones or the spontaneous human combustion.
Nevertheless the above, they aren't emo. Emos believes that you don't know nothing about their rock bands, even if you see them regularly in MTV, but the indie bands are never known (unless between indies). Because they googles overnight trying to like the most unknown bands possible.
[edit] Classic B.S. (very useful if you try to seem indie)
You must know the following magic list of words:
- Mainstream: the popular things, indie's enemy.
Example: “All music of top 40 is mainstream fucking shit”.
- Scene: Collective of mediocre bands theoretically unpopular listened by indies.
“The electro-brit.-post-punk isn't in the scene anymore”.Smart people know that it should just be called post-Britpop
- Sellout: A band which “betrays” its principles in favor of money and/or popularity. Is applicable to any band or musician.
“Beethoven besides deaf, was a damned sellout”.
Insatiable need to make up genres as they go:Indies seem to always want to make up genres that no ones ever heard of such as "post-Britpop" or "post-modern-oscarwildeizm-pop-electro-folk".
- Overrated: We already know that all bands are sellout. The “overrated” adjective is applicable also to all music made ever.
“The Vienna singer children also are (very) overrated”.
- "Their older stuff was better." : Taken at face value, this seems like an opinion, but upon psycho-analysis (which is mainstream, by the way), we discover that it is an automatic defense mechanism against the fact that the individual saying this used to really dig <insert artist name here> before they sold out. Or didn't sell out. Might have sold out. Uh-oh...
“Blah blah blah Foals blah blah”.
[edit] The scene
A delicate balance. 'Scene' is the precarious zone on the sliding scale which indie kids are constantly after. It comes between 'Pfft, that's for losers' and 'Mainstream', 'Scene' being defined by enough of your friends liking it that you feel accepted and unthreatened, but not so many so that you still feel different and special inside. If something isn't indie, isn't in the scene anymore. And not, that guy who whacks his sitar against ferrets with their legs tied isn't in the scene anymore. The things that aren't in the scene are generally mainstream and particularly sellout. What's in the scene is obscure.
[edit] The fans
To avoid popularity of their favorite bands, the Supreme Indie Council created fake Internet forums with topics like Radiohead and other dubious indie value bands, so the teens whose wants to be Indie won't reach their goal. Unfortunately for them, the SIC is growing by the overpopulation of earth. So, they kills (creative and alternatively) to one member (or changes their converse shoes color). Many of whose claim themselves as Indie were emos almost a week ago. Like them, uses plastic glasses (like Scooby Doo Velma's) and considers themselves to be modern and intellectual, knowing that they aren't. Indies claims to listen to rock music, but they really listens to a more pretentious version of Emo music. Indie music CAN'T BE PLEASANT. It must be insufferably monotonous, the cheaper the production, the better. To be a true indiot.... err.. I say... indie, you must choose a band that nobody else knows, can be invented ,and usually is the case (in 95%), and make it as your favorite. If meeting someone who knows about this band, it will be considered mainstream, so you must choose other band.
[edit] People
Have you ever wondered where all the skinny, thick-rimmed spectacle wearing, ever so antisocial kids who used to populate A.V clubs worldwide are these days? Wonder no more; you will find them either alone or in small clusters hiding their fashionably pasty skin from the highly mainstream sun. They will typically be found listening to a band you have never heard of and will never hear. Alternatively they will be listening to anything with Ben Gibbard's/Conor Oberst's/Jenny Lewis's angelic/demonic/angelic tones, Interpol, Belle and/or Sebastian or Sufjan Stevens-featuring 200543 different instruments in 7/8 time. This music will typically be listened to on vinyl, powered by bioluminescence. Discussions will generally feature the following terms: post-punk, Lou reed, pitchfork media, sounds like sonic youth, and I think they are over rated.
They will typically found wearing either a possibly invented band shirt, or an outfit fashioned by an Irish priest in the Madagascan hills or some such obscurity. As well, they often buy clothes in thrift shops or alternately find rejected clothes in dumpsters, etc. Any assembled outfit must cost no more than 5 dollars altogether. To be found wearing the same clothes as another results in a clothes burning ritual known only within the tribe. On top off all this is a smug look of self-satisfaction and an acceptably not emo fringe. Haircuts are often bizarre, asymmetrical, and spiked in strange places. This is because they often prefer to cut their hair themselves sans mirror, or to go to blind hairstylists.
To be become indie, one must first purge themselves of anything heard on the radio. Yes, that means the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Muse, but you are indie now, your only emotion is dismissive elitism (You must also 'aquire' an 'appreciation' for classical and/or jazz music. ). Second buy a pair of glasses, if you do not need them watch the tv too close or something, 20/20 vision is over-rated. Third, find someone, anyone and tell them that their taste in music is that of a 12-year-old girl or alternatively find someone of equal independence and argue the merits of Twee over Indie Pop. You know what this means. Join Last.Fm, check pitchfork media as much as possible, practise your elitism on your pets/parents and go to an op shop and buy a cardigan some old man probably died in. You are better than him. You are better than them all. You are indie.
Alternatively you can follow these three steps:
1. Own a guitar (no talent required)
2. Be a twat (be late to everything, because you are indie, the best over everyone)
3. Lose forty pounds. This is especially beneficial to anybody who had an eating disorder in their past, very mainstream, and would still like to avoid gaining the "freshman fifteen" at college.
4. Drink coffee. Talk about coffee. Push your thick rimmed glasses further onto the bridge of your nose while listening to others talk about coffee. Coffee and glasses help you see. Or at least see only you want to.
[edit] Indie types
Based in the former info, we can discover two indie types:
- the first type considers themselves to be cool to seem indie, but secretly crave listening to mainstream music. They usually endure three or four songs in “indie bars” before surreptitiously escaping to listen to normal music.
- the second can endure indie music, and even listen to it outside “indie bars”. They're really the same as the former, but they activate the messenger feature “What I'm listening” while listening to indie music and turns it off in 90% of remaining time, when they listen to top 40 songs.
Exists two typical indie lapidary phrases about music:
“I don't like Muse. They became very commercial”.
“Just because I listen to Clap your Hands Say Yeah[*] you call me indie (and they have more than 97223 fans in their MySpace site ¡Seriously!). ¿Indie? That's just a tag, I only listen to music I like, if people doesn't recognize their value, is their problem.”
*Replace with any unknown band's name. Invent it if necessary.
[edit] Music
At one time indie music involved amplified electric guitars. Then came the millennium, and with it the rediscovery of toy accordions and the proliferation of computer generated sounds. Indie music generally consists of a "vocalist" with a thick accent (varying according to origin) singing incomprehensively, along with poorly thought out instrumental backing. It is rumoured that the lyrics are generally concerning completely meaningless subject matter, however, despite the best efforts of an 80-man team based in Surrey in 2006, these lyrics have yet to be heard with a shred of clarity due to the elitist attitude of those who can interpret the vocals refusing to let anyone else know. Singing about pillows, Narnia, and deep sea creatures is not unheard of. Furthermore, if the album sounds as though it were recorded in a rusty old tin can, or possibly in a muffled wardrobe, it is indie. Do not deny it, or you're a mainstream poser.
[edit] Indie characteristics
Members of this bizarre social group usually write in their Web sites that they live in France, Holland or England, because their uncool countries seem too little to them. In said Web sites, we can read absurd things like “I hate this tik tak Thailand”. Even they don't want to have only one Website; they have many different Web sites to overwhelm people. But they don’t want to become famous, absolutely.
They use drugs too. They claim that smoking is cool. Even if they can't stand smoke of their orange flavored Virginia Slims or the sensation of Chinese poppies, the flower ones, cream. The strangest is when they brag about their fallen apart image created by such products. But some, called “straight edge” brag about their healthy lives, but usually go from “after” to “after” to look for something to drink besides the WC water. About girls, besides drugs, alcohol and tobacco, is added their ugliness, fondness of taking their feet photos, and painting her nails with “bitch red” color.
Indiots likes to emulate psychological or emotional disorders. Depression was a classic, but emos stole the whole concept. So bipolarity is the fashion nowadays. Is very easy to emulate, only be antipathetic half day running and “blasé”* the other half. But they're despicable no matter their state of mind.
*What the fuck is that? According to “Le Robert, Dictionnaire de la Langue Française”, Blasé is “Indifferent”, “Insensible”. So indies are so bad and insensible.
Here goes a perfect example of an indie, extracted from the sinister Photo log deepness’s:
- “When bipolarity disappears, I come back. Maybe disappears tomorrow or not.”
To demonstrate the seriousness of their problems, they like to post in their Web sites the list of medicines they're taking... But they write the scientific name instead of commercial one to be more convincing. So Tylenol, and Aspirin; becomes “paracetamol”, and “acetylsalicylic acid”. But an indie also takes anti-allergics and painkillers, like loratadin, diazepam or valium.
[edit] Indie things
An indie usually has a complete things set to go outside, with his/her Technics brand wallet.
Talking about movies (boobies are completely unrelated), they loves movies like Clerks, Amélie (Audri Tatou is their sexual muse) or Donnie Darko. Also is a must to have seen a Quentin Tarantino, Stanley Kubrick or Monty Phyton movie. But their preference is Uzbek movies in original version, without subtitles.
Normally, they likes Warhol's pop-art, even without seeing works other than the can of soup. These snobbish tastes motivates to many indiots to enroll in graphic design or movie careers, or fashion careers in worst cases.
In food and beverages, they are opposed to Starbucks coffee, they find it way too mainstream, but they prefer flavored and white tea, no matter how overpriced it is. Or some money-diggin' green coffee shop you've never heard of. But frappuccino and Twinings tea aren't enough, because lemon juice with vodka drops (What a wild!) is the best beverage for them. They loves vegetarian food, following the example of famous stars like Morrisey, Moby or Robert Smith. In other words, they are a mob of idiots whose eats rabbit food to be “cooler”. They also posts in their Web sites dead animals photos with captions like “Go Vegan!” or “Do you eat corpses? [Yeah! Delicious corpses!*]”.
*Poetic license for the author of this article.
Besides former characteristics, we can find a strong allergy to any highly popular fashion, having a Playmobil style haircut because “is the coolest” (even made of plastic sometimes), plastic glasses (like Scooby Doo's Velma's), straight (black!) pants and many different shapes scarfs. They like to travel in Volkswagen Type 2 cars because these are “alternative transport”.
They always carry their sacred and saint 80GB iPod and despises other people whose carry cheap MP3 players made in China (even if iPods comes from there too). EVERYONE has Flickr, Orkut, Photolog or MySpace Websites filled with white-bordered sepia-tone photos decorating writings such talks about their sad and depressive lives. They also has a Last.fm account to brag about their musical pseudo-intellectuality. This is the reason why everybody knows that they are pseudo-narcissists, pseudo-arrogants and pseudo-anything. Damn it pseudo-pariahs!
In majority of cases, they claim to live in places where they'll NEVER live. Like New York, London (the indie capital). , Paris, Berlin or Amsterdam
[edit] Indie syndromes
- Underground Syndrome: Characterized by idiot attacks suffered by the indie when his/her favorite band airs in MTV or starts to sound in Top 40.
- Overestimation Syndrome: Any indie who deserves the name loves Radiohead, The Cure, The Smiths, The Clash, Joy Division and other bands alike. So they worships such bands members claiming that they are poets and revolutionized rock.
- “Pseudo” syndrome: indies uses “pseudo” prefix to anything which claims itself as something that isn't, sometimes according to the indie's viewpoint.
[edit] Sellouts
When an indie band corrupts itself by the dark side of mainstreamness, it becomes a sellout band. This is exactly like being an indie band, only the musicians' checks stop bouncing.
The official version says that they're corrupted and degenerated by money and drugs indies. But some conspiranoids experts in visions assure that are abduction cases. These experts claims that some indie bands are kidnapped and substituted by copies whose are, in reality, aliens with intentions to earn fame to conquer the world.
Other rumors affirm that the record companies kidnaps indie bands, introduces them in room 101 (without dalmatians) and after all kinds of torture, they end depriving indieness of victims.
[edit] Indie bands
I would mention the albums too, but I cannot. First, I would use up too much space in the server. And second, I can get into jail by divulging confidential info in so mainstream encyclopedia.
Radiohead. Nah! They signed a contract with Warner. Traitor Thom Yorke!
Franz Ferdinand. Very commercial. They are also bad.
Coldplay. Are you fucking kidding me?
Kaiser Chiefs. They have their so many friends in their MySpace site. So they are known. So they are mainstream.
Bloc Party. They released Flux. Nuff said
The Strokes. They airs in MTV and are garage rock or something like this.
The Killers. Pseudo-sellouts. They also airs in MTV and everywhere.The lead singer is sucky!!!
The Kooks. I don't know about them. But they are shitty sellouts!
Silverchair. No. They are post-grunge, or hard rock, or polka...
Musenahh .. they are sellouts (fuck... i like them!)they were indies. but with his stupid song starlight they are SELLOUTS! (dom's hot)
The Living End. Also no. They are a Rock/Pub Rock/Punk/Punkabilly/Rockabilly band.
Wilco. Neither. They have their own movie.
The Smiths. Don't talk about them! Morrisey airs in VH1.
The Libertines. Nwah. Drug inducers who never spent their money
Arctic Monkeys. No. EVERYONE knows who they are, where they live, where they born, their favorite food, their second names, whose are their families, why they have these names, how old are you and if you don't know anything of this you are shittier than them.
Editors. Less. They played in Rock am Ring.
Modest Mouse. Also they airs in MTV.
Bright Eyes. Ah! No! That is emo punk.
Expatriate. They were nominated for a major award and put massive ads up on MySpace internationally even though no-one gives a shit about them or who they are anyway.
The Arcade Fire. If they are in this list, is with reason... SELLOUTS!!!
Anyway, even classic indie bands aren't indie: Nowadays they are listened by more than a person.
[edit] List of good Indie bands
Pavement Vampire Weekend The Shins
[edit] Side effects include
- Lack of a sense of humour.
- Acute elitism.
- An overly judgmental personality, resulting in many wanting to kick your ass.
- Believing oneself to be smart, making an ass of yourself along the way.
- Lack of a respectable dress sense.
- A case of extreme pretentiousness.
- The need to comment negatively on everyone's music taste, except their own, which is perfect.
- Constant need to prove thier liberal politics, only to realize you don't know what you're talking about.
- Regular visits to Buffalo Exchange and Urban Outfitters.
- Non-stop bitching - about everything.
- Become Narcissistic.
- Notebooks filled with random Ben Gibbard/Conor Oberst lyrics that mean nothing.
- Acting like a muso, without being able to play any instruments (well).
- A fascination for grey clothes.
- At least one account on the following.
- Myspace (required, that is unless it's viewed by the indie persons as mainstream).
- Last.FM.
- An elitist forum.
- Finding anyone instantly attractive, regardless of gender or age if they share your elitist musical likes and dislikes.
[edit] Indie RIAA certifications
- 1,000 copies - ramen
- 10,000 copies - flannel
- 100,000 copies - wood
- 1,000,000 copies and higher-and more do not exist in the indie world and thusly shall not be referenced.
[edit] The Great O.C-Indie Massacre
The O.C. was made with the help of Satan and quite possibly J.R. "BOB" Dobbs. One Friday the 13th Satan hired a person from the indie community, ruining it for the rest of us. The other writers hated him but occasionally let him pick music. Well, Death Cab For Cutie teamed up with The Decemberists and collectively raped/enslaved some of the "best" indie bands, selling them one by one to the Worst Show On Television.
[edit] Indie in life
The search for the indie generally provoked stupidities, some of them reached historical fame. For example, Hitler considered banal and cliché the airplane use, so he incited his engineers to get out of mainstream, inventing zeppelin. When Hindenburg exploded and got burned, one indie myth did the same.
