Indonesia

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“If you think we're messed-up, you haven't been to Indonesia ”

~ Ayatollah Khomeini, Supreme Ruler of Iran on Indonesia

“There is no place like home.”

~ A wealthy retired corruptor on Home in Indonesia

“Indonesia... ah yes, they make good slaves! Allah bless that country”

~ Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz on Indonesia

“The time I spent there has taught me everything”

~ US Senator Barack Obama on Indonesia

The Backward Republic of Indonesia
Republik Kampungan Indonesia

(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
Motto: "Boneka Tinggal Ikan" "Corruption and Poverty"
Anthem: "Indonesia Payah" "Behold Our Weak Country"
Capital	Bali
Previous capital	Bali
Largest city	Bali
Official languages	Corrupted Malay
Government	Corruptive Democracy
-Vice President President	Yusuf Kalla Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono
Other languages	Broken English Mispronounced Arabic Incorrect Mandarin Erroneous Japanese
National Hero(es)	Sukarno, His Majesty Suharto, Tukul Awarna, Super-Semar
Declaration of Independence	1800 from the VOC 1811 from a Batavian Republic 1815 from the United Kingdom 1942 from a Netherlands 1945 from the Empire of Japan 1949 from the Netherlands 1965 from Sukarno 1998 from Suharto
Currency	Bribe Money
Religion	85% Islam 10% Infidels 5% Terrorist Islam
Population	250 million babies per second
Internet TLD	indomie telor kornet (instant noodle with egg and corned beef)
Calling code	collect-call

The God-Forsaken Backward Republic of Indonesia, (Indonesian: Republik Kampungan Masyaallah Indonesia) not to be confused with the former great and prosperous states of Dutch East Indies or the Kingdom of Suharto Orde Baru, is a backward nation of more than 17,000 islands off the southern tip of Southeast Asia. Indonesia unwillingly shares borders with Malaysia, Singapore, and the Philippines to the north, Papua New Guinea and East Timor to the west, and Australia to the south.

A corrupt third world country whose 250 million ignorant inhabitants insist that they are living in a developed country, Indonesia is known for corruption, sloth, terrorism, poverty, ignorance, as well as discount prostitution. Indonesia shares many similar features with the superpower United States, particularly if the latter has just experienced a third Bush administration, a second civil war, environmental devastation, another Enron, nuclear armageddon, more Celine Dion, and other nation-wide disasters.

Most Indonesians practice a corrupted form of Islam which tolerates terrorism. Indonesia, including Bali, is also a popular tourist destination, especially during the seasons when terrorist bombers are inactive. Even during peak terrorist seasons, Indonesia remains popular destination for the depressed and suicidal tourists.

Contents 1 History 1.1 Ancient Kingdoms 1.2 Majapahit Empire 1.3 Dutch Colonialism 1.4 Second World War 1.5 The Kingdom of Orde Baru 1.6 Revolution of 1998 1.7 The Republic of Indonesia 2 Geography 2.1 Bali and Jakarta 2.2 Climate 3 Education 3.1 Tawuran 3.2 Demonstrations 3.3 Indonesian Student Code of Conduct 3.4 How to Succeed in Indonesian Classes 4 Military 4.1 Military Intelligence Unit 5 Demographics 5.1 Minorities 6 Economy 6.1 Tourism 6.2 Occupations 6.3 Exports 6.4 Imports 6.5 Plans for Development 7 Culture 7.1 Language 7.1.1 Secondary Languages 7.1.2 Regional Languages 7.2 Protests 7.3 The Holy Semanggi 7.4 Pancasila 8 See also 9 Sources

[edit] History

Numerous scientific publications and archeological excavations have proven that Indonesian prehistory consisted mostly of ruins, skeletons, broken potteries, and fraudulent archeological discoveries. Additional excavations confirm this conclusion. According to native legends, Indonesian civilization started when the first Indonesian king, the Java Man, suddenly evolved from a prehistoric hominid into a human being around 300 BC. Scientific reconstructions suggest that this mutation was triggered by a ripe durian fruit that fell on his forehead, activating his pineal gland and somehow endowing him with humane intellect. Indonesian folklore interprets this durian incident as a divine intervention.

[edit] Ancient Kingdoms

Indonesia was initially united under the kingdom of Surya Tatamungil, whose name translates into "Sun Microsystems." This kingdom is the origin of the Java language. Surya Tatamungil stole adopted the culture of early Indian civilization around 500 AD. The wise ancient Indians charged Indonesians for royalties from the use of copyrighted Indian artifacts and ancient bollywood books (bollywood movies did not exist at that time). Tragically, the Indonesians already discovered and developed modern corruption sciences and thus rejected the payment bills by pretending to have lost the papers. Yet, more cultural artifacts were still shipped to Indonesia regularly while ancient Indian call centers continued to harass Indonesians for their overdue bills. Indonesians dodged the bills by feigning inability to understand their bad English. This treachery bankrupted the ancient Indian Empires, causing widespread poverty in India that remained until this very day. Ironically, karma set in and soon enough Surya Tatamungil also went bankrupt from internal corruption, and was split into numerous kingdoms.

Strategically located between two large oceans and two large continents, these Indonesian kingdoms quickly grew to be a major trading port in the ancient world, especially to facilitate trade between the great Australian Empire and the fine Roman Empire. Their contact with Indonesians subsequently bankrupted both empires, resulting in permanent dissolution of the Roman Empire and utter devastation of Australian Empire, sending Australia back to the stone age. Major commodities from Indonesia include spices (cloves, garlic, marijuana, nutmegs, cilantro, allspice, parlsey, and spice girls) and slave labor. In no time, the kings of Indonesia amassed wealth that afforded them slaves, mistresses, mansions, as well as drugs. This medieval custom survives into today's culture of many politicians and religious leaders who enjoy an abundance of slaves, mistresses, mansions, as well as drugs. I myself might like some slaves, mistresses, mansions, as well as drugs. Would you like to have some slaves, mistresses, mansions, as well as drugs?

[edit] Majapahit Empire

A few centuries after the fall of Surya Tatamungil, numerous Indonesian kingdoms abounded, numbering in thousands. Since anyone could start his or her own kingdom, ridiculous kingdoms were aplenty, including those with only one-person population, kingdoms populated by monkeys, kingdoms with five kings and one citizen, kingdoms without kings, democratic kingdoms, and other perversion of political systems. Eventually, one rather normal king have had enough of the disgrace to the monarchical tradition and established a rather normal kingdom Majapahit, named after the bitter fruit, Maja, that every citizen was forced to eat on a daily basis. (Hey, we did say it's just "rather" normal!) The supreme military commander of Majapahit was a Chinese-Mongolian soldier named Gajahmada. He was left behind by the failed Mongolian expedition in the thirteenth century and joined Majapahit kingdom after he was offered with lifetime supply of food and spices.

Ironically, Gajahmada realized that he thoroughly disliked Majapahit cuisine, since it differed greatly from Chinese food or Mongolian barbecue. In fact, he hated all Indonesian spices, especially the bitter Maja. So strong was his distaste, that he publicly swore to never again taste any spice in his entire life. His friends laughed at his decision, but the Majapahit king was furious at this unpatriotic oath. Eating Maja daily was required of all citizens of Majapahit, according to Majapahit's arbitrary law. Under the threat of execution, Gajahmada was forced to either fight in endless battles for every corner of Indonesia or being forced to eat excessive amount of spices - especially the bitter Maja - every day. Gajahmada chose the former, saying that he would rather die in battle than eat the bitter Maja. Unfortunately for him, he was a good soldier, and soon enough all Indonesian kingdoms were conquered under Majapahit Empire, where all new citizens of the empire were forced to eat the bitter Maja everyday. Running out of territories to invade, Gajahmada was ordered to eat spices in excessive amount. He quickly ran away to the mountains, never to be seen again.

The Majapahit Empire learned quickly from the downfall of Surya Tatamungil and switched their exports from spices and slaves to opium and child prostitutes. This quickly attracted trade contacts and cultural exchanges with the medieval Islamic empires, who were constantly running into shortages of child slaves. In exchange, the muslim empires provided Majapahit with intentionally distorted copies of the Quran. Lured by free books, Indonesians of the Majapahit era mass-converted to Islam, to which the Islamic Empires laughed profusely. One legend stated that many Arabian Sultans died of laughter when reading this history. The hillarity was so profound that even in modern times Saudi muslims still laugh histerically whenever hearing an Indonesian attempting to recite the Quran.

[edit] Dutch Colonialism

Attracted by Majapahit's riches and envious of the Spanish success with colonialism, the puny Dutch decided to invade the Indonesian archipelago. Initial Dutch attempt to master navigation using experimental windmill-powered ships failed, and so did their attempt in raising an army equipped with wooden shoes. They succeeded after resorting to ordinary clipper ships and leather boots. The Dutch trained their soldiers in politics and warfare by stealing old softcover Machiavelli books from Italian public libraries when nobody was looking. Fortunately, the invasion was a success; Majapahit soldiers were too busy laughing at the Dutch soldier's renaissance clothing, and therefore were unable to fight. The Dutch eventually conquered Indonesia, establishing the Dutch East Indies to monopolize the drug and sex trade. This legacy of success is evident in the culture of Netherlands today. Although the supply of Indonesian opium and child prostitutes have ceased centuries ago, the economy of drugs and prostitution remains vibrant in today's Netherlands.

To aid Indonesian development, the Dutch formed the VOC (English: Volunteers of Compassion), a non-profit charitable organization aimed at providing Indonesians with free education, financial aid, volunteer labor, and technological expertise. The VOC brought numerous inventions from the enlightened Europe, drastically increasing the living standards in Indonesia. Under the benevolent guidance of the Dutch economic expertise, native Indonesians prospered, with their GDP skyrocketing beyond unimaginable levels. The VOC even introduced the concept of religious tolerance, leaving most Indonesian remain muslims and not enforcing the Dutch religion of Opiate Christianity.

This development was interrupted by British invasion, carried out by the brutal and racist British navy under the command of Thomas Raffles, a sadistic admiral rumored to be a devil worshipper. Raffles executed all VOC volunteers and forcibly disbanded many VOC operations. The VOC ceased to exist by the end of British occupation. Local Indonesian resistance succeeded in expelling the British, prompting the Dutch to return. Unfortunately, VOC's demise was already beyond salvation.

After the second Industrial Revolution, the Dutch brought automation and mass production to Indonesia, eliminating the need for manual labor and hence altering the class structure of Indonesian society. Many kingdoms and dynasties were abolished, with only two dynasties survived in modern era, the Hamengkubuwono dynasty and the Orde Baru dynasty.

[edit] Second World War

In 1942, during the period of Great Happiness and Prosperity, Indonesia was colonized liberated and guided by the Glorious Empire of Dainippon Teikoku as part of the East Asian Co-Prosperity Sphere. Japan, being a nation full of horny old fart and perverts honorable samurai and courageous patriotic soldiers, deported astounding numbers of Indonesian girls for sexual slavery lucrative employment opportunities. The resulting shortage of sex slaves potential female employees devastated Indonesian economy, which could not recover until the late introduction of internet in 1995. The new government of Japan regrets the damage done to Indonesian economy, and agrees to provide Indonesia with unlimited access to Japanese pornography as a form of sincere apology.
(this section is apploved by intelim Impelial Nippon censule buleau)

In 1945, hearing about the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, all Indonesians laughed in a great mass laughter, prompting the Japanese colonial armed forces to retreat in dishonor. Those who stayed committed seppuku and were immediately cooked and eaten by the poor and starving Indonesians. Seeing an opportunity from the power vacuum, an ambitious Indonesian otaku named Sukarno decided to draft an Indonesian declaration of independence in his cigarette box.

Sukarno successfully announced his declaration of Indonesian independence. Since no other Indonesian ever thought of forming their own government, Sukarno successfully nominated and voted for himself as a president and subsequently won an absolute majority. By consensus of the masses, the chosen form of government at the time was absolute dictatorship. Sukarno also developed and propagated his ideology of Pancasila (lit. "the [chicken of] five spices"), inspired by the sight of his wife cooking fried chickens, as the sincerity and modesty of Indonesian wives moved his heart. (Pancasila doctrine also helped Indonesia resist the vile influences of KFC at that time.) Thus, under the auspices of Pancasilaist dictatorship, Indonesia was born as a modern country in August 1945.

This segment of history is paid for by KFC. KFC. We do chicken right. Finger Lickin' Good. Try our new 3-piece chicken combo meal! Available in a KFC near you.

In 1949, President Sukarno declared war on the war-torn Netherlands to assert Indonesian independence. The irritated Dutch responded by launching a new invasion to Indonesia, dragging their tired and cranky Allied generals to the archipelago. However, at that time, the Dutch maps of Indonesia that they had carefully drafted in 1670 was already outdated. The Dutch forces were horribly surprised by this blatant error. They were then quickly defeated in waves of ambushes by scary Indonesian militias who jumped, yelled, and fought without ammunition. After a series of negotiation, the Dutch agreed to leave Indonesia, provided there were to be overseas shoppings and cheap prostitution for many tourists to come.

[edit] The Kingdom of Orde Baru

Okay. Stop reading. Be honest. You don't really care, do you? Being an otaku, Sukarno spent too much time alone with his arts instead of managing the newborn nation, and his leadership quality fell. Feeling alienated, the United Nations expelled Indonesia in 1960. Sukarno, lacking in social skills, attempted to appease the United Nations by calling them Perserikatan Bangsat-Bangsat ("United Bastards"). The UN was not amused and started to ignore Indonesia completely. Sukarno then ordered the invasion of Western Papua in 1961 to desperately draw international attention to Indonesia. The cost of the war drove the economy to hyperinflation, and Sukarno's approval rating plummeted. By 1965, the country was ideologically divided between monarchists and communists. The monarchists wished to restore the Kingdom of Indonesia and to crown the then-prince Suharto of the Orde Baru dynasty, while the communists intended to depose Sukarno from his Pancasilaist dictatorship and annex Indonesia to the Soviet Union. The adherents of Pancasila, loyal to Sukarno, consisted only a minority of Indonesian population and politicians at the time.

Still reading? Okay.. whatever. In May 1965, Indonesian communists attempted coup d'etat, killing seven prominent monarchist Indonesian generals and two Pancasilaist officers. In swift retaliation, Prince Suharto and the monarchists army batallions defeated the communist insurrection within two days and one night. The tired Sukarno issued the official declaration of Supersemar, named after the superhero Semar of Indonesian folklore. Supersemar officiated the retirement of Sukarno from the dictatorship as well as the restoration of Indonesian monarchy. The loyal Indonesian masses crowned Suharto the new Emperor of Indonesia. The humble Suharto declined the Imperial title, opting for a kingdom instead.

OMG. Stil reading? The advisors of Suharto forewarned that communism and capitalism were dangerous foreign ideologies that could only be deterred by the native ideology of corruption. The wise King Suharto then declared the establishment of a new nation ambitiously dedicated to promote corruption throughout the country. The country is renamed Kerajaan Orde Baru, or "Kingdom of the New Order," reflecting the dynastic name of Suharto (His Majesty's birth name was Muhammad Suharto Orde Baru). With popular support, Indonesian communists across the country were instantly executed, thereby reducing the Indonesian population by 30%. Seeing that the Pancasilaists were harmless, the newly-crowned Suharto allowed all Pancasilaists to live and gain citizenship in the new kingdom, despite their anti-monarchy ideology. OK fine. Go ahead. Keep reading. Whatever.

[edit] Revolution of 1998

This new corrupt Kingdom has proven a huge success until 1998, when all the other Asian countries imitated Indonesia's policies simultaneously and thus trigerring the Asian financial crisis (LOL NOOB). History was teaching that corruption cannot be practiced collectively; it is inherently and naturally an individual effort.

Wishing to rectify the economic malady, in May 12, 1998, a group of selfless Indonesian university students revived the Holy Semanggi, a sacred ancient Indonesian ritual of human sacrifice, giving their lives in the process. Tragically, the Indonesian gods were not appeased, and neither were the people. Upset that they could not watch the killings (due to poor TV reception and relative absence of internet), thousands of mobs instigated nation-wide riot in May 15, 1998. They bitterly criticized many ethnic Chinese in Indonesia, since they were thought to be responsible to maintain the communication lines in Indonesia. Chinese Indonesian women were particular targets of the criticism, due to their perceived incompetency in electronics engineering.

Unfortunately, Chinese Indonesian women were oversensitive and started complaining. Enraged by the criticism, the People's Liberation Army of China retaliated at the yelling by invading Indonesia and forced all Indonesians to study Mandarin and purchase Chinese products.

The official statement from the People's Liberation Army commander is as follows:

{{{1}}}

Official Indonesian translation:

Haiya... yang bego sekalang siapa, la? Yu olang klitik2 ai punya olang, la, sekalang ai olang klitik2 lu punya olang, la

(Unofficial) English Translation:

We sincerely regret the incidents that have transpired in the past few months, in which so much misunderstanding and so many indecent actions have occured. We would like to sincerely assure the people of Indonesia - Chinese and Natives alike - that our presence in Indonesian territory is of a benevolent and friendly nature, fully respectful of the sovereignity of Indonesia, as a kingdom and a republic, as well as the rights of its people. We simply wish to cooperate in the development of the regional harmony and the collective peace and prosperity of our respective countries.

In May 21, 1998, the rioters and the Chinese communists deposed and arrested King Suharto, and later executed him in early 2008. The province of East Timor condemned the deposition of the King and declared their secession from the rest of Indonesia in late 1999. The royal family was systematically persecuted. Prince Hutomo Orde Baru was arrested for his long-time involvement in the kingdom's administration, while two other prominent members of the royal family - crown prince His Highness Bambang Orde Baru and princess Her Highness Tuti Orde Baru - were acquitted by the people, owing to prince Bambang's heroic contribution to Indonesian economy by improving the energy sector, and princess Tuti's iconic selflessness in countless social works and charities. The queen of Indonesia, Her Majesty Siti Hartinah Tien, had been already assassinated by an anti-monarchist militant earlier in April 1996. The rest of the royal family were exiled to East Timor. Thus end the once-glorious Kingdom of Orde Baru.

[edit] The Republic of Indonesia

A republic of Indonesia was declared in June 1998, with Yusuf Habibie, the last prime minister of Orde Baru Kingdom, as an interim president. The Pancasilaists were the only political party with experience in public administration, and thus the new republic is based on Pancasila. To emphasize the role of the commoners in the republic, the endearing moniker kampungan (lit. "backwards") is included in the official name of the republic. The qualifier masyaallah, or "god-forsaken" is sometimes used in official documents when referring to the republic, in tribute to Indonesia's mourned history of poverty and war. This nascent republic faces many challenges, including poverty, ignorance, terrorism, and social instability. In the dawn of the third millenium, the Republik Kampungan Masyaallah Indonesia, or the "God-Forsaken Backward Republic of Indonesia" anticipates a better tomorrow.

[edit] Geography

Indonesia is composed of 17,000 islands and 3 half islands. Although Indonesia has so many islands, only few of them are habitable. They are (in order of habitable-ness) Java, Sumatra, Bali, Kalimantan (Borneo), Sulawesi (Celebes), and Irian (Papua). The other islands are either too small or too full with man-eating dragons.

Indonesia controls only one half of Borneo and one half of Papua. The other 2 halves were stolen by Malaysia and Papua New Guinea, respectively. The government of Indonesia has tried to regain the other two halves, but in a show of good faith, decided to forgive the treacherous neighbours. In time, the great-hearted Indonesians hope that the people of Malaysia and Papua New Guinea will grow over their immaturity and give back what are essentially Indonesian properties. Meanwhile, the great Indonesian people can only pray for these sad, misguided hearts. May Allah have compassion for these hell-bent souls.

[edit] Bali and Jakarta

Main article: Bali

Scientists have long debated for the true capital of Indonesia. Jakarta is the largest city with 15 million inhabitants, while Bali has a larger area and better international reputation. Bali is an island and not a city. Most tourists agree that Bali is the true capital of Indonesia, particularly since Jakarta is filled with dirt, feces, smog, criminals, trash, dust, noise, and other crap. In contrast, Bali is seen as paradise. In fact, according to one poll, most tourists prefer to pay for an expensive flight ticket to Bali rather than be given an actual free flight ticket to heaven, definitely indicating that Bali is superior to the afterlife.

In 2007, in order to improve its international outlook, the mayor of Jakarta ordered a mass cleanup to remove the 5 meters-tall layer of crap that has been covering the city. Many city workers died from the stench.

Jakarta is constantly mired with civil war because of terrorist muslims. The municipal government attempted to curb civil war by banning private possession of firearms. This policy backfired, as the militants of Jakarta resort to using stones as substitute weapons. Indigenous muslim thugs roam the streets of Jakarta in a similar fashion to the Nazi Kristallnacht, targetting Chinese instead of Jews.

[edit] Climate

Indonesian harsh tropical climate provides a year-round warmth, ensuring that the local inhabitants, particularly those for sale in the capital Jakarta, wear as little clothing as possible. Young females are often found in tight bikinis and thongs, sometimes wearing white burkas to cover their face while being unclothed from the shoulder to the toe. This reflects the current blend of traditional muslim custom and modernized youth culture.

The harshness of Indonesian tropics is exacerbated by the presence of many volcanoes, since Indonesia is located within the ring of fire. This combination gives the perception of hell, which is an Indonesian invention. However, due to the mercy of Allah, and the incompetence of the corrupt angels of Indonesia, the country is given abundant rainfall during the misleadingly-named dry seasons and is blessed by refreshing flash-floods and murderous torrents of black ooze during the rainy season.

Haze is a common feature in Indonesian climate. It is difficult to see anything beyond three feet within your visual range. Smogs are continously produced in massive quantities by Indonesian endemic flora, Pollutius Factoria furnacis. Most smogs in the world originated from Indonesia, proven by the explosion of Krakatoa in the 19th century. Another theory states that the overflow of smog is caused by blatant burning of toilet paper. Since Indonesians do not use toilet papers, instead of flushing it down the toilet, Indonesians burn it to appease the heathen gods who they believe in turn bless them with haze.

The burning temperature in Indonesia can possibly be attributed to volcanoes and the anger of our muslim brethrens, whose deaths have not yet been avenged in the newly-built Bali resort beaches. In any case, the severe pollution in Indonesia allowed the searing heat to burn the Indonesian melanin, turning all Indonesians into beautiful tan-skinned melanesians.

[edit] Education

Indonesial school traditionally started in the medieval era as the first medium where Indonesian children are exposed to the rigorous disciplines of pornography and corruption, two of the most crucial skills they need to function in the civilized Indonesian society. This educational culture is a success, as proven by Indonesia's presitigous ranking in the Corruption Perceptions Index as well as statistical evidence of Internet pornography. Despite that only less than 5% of Indonesians have access to the internet, 90% of the world's google search for "Japanese nude" originates in Indonesia.

The bureaucrats in Depdikbud constructed the academic curriculum by randomly throwing dart arrows at scattered proposal sheets or by consulting local fortune tellers. These policies eventually end up in having elementary school students be taught university-level science subjects. Indonesian teachers are encouraged to constantly assign homeworks in such amount, difficulty, and deadlines that far exceed human capacities, so that students are always occupied.

[edit] Tawuran

Tawuran is a native martial arts of Indonesia, developed by the Java Man, the mythical first king of Indonesia. Tawuran involves running, intimidation tactics, and coordinated rock-throwing. Many of Indonesian historical battles has been won with proper use of tawuran, and many such battles were lost due to inadequate mastery of tawuran.

Because of its strategic significance and cultural value, Tawuran is mandatory for all male high-school students and highly recommended to college and university students. In the beginning, the curriculum of Tawuran involves physical exercises, such as running, yelling, and target practices for rock-throwing. In later classes, tawuran students are taught basic strategies, squad coordination, and ambush tactics. Eventually, most students will master the art of tawuran and be certified as a capable militia.

[edit] Demonstrations

Starting from the age of 15, all Indonesian students are required to participate in demonstrations, usually on weekly basis. Demonstrations have been the cornerstore of Indonesian democratic tradition for centuries. By the end of high school, students are expected to master basic skills in demonstrations, including drafting chants, coordinated rantings, banner arts, and demonstration logistics. In colleges and universities, students will be taught advanced skills in demonstration, including provoking the masses, instigating revolutions, recruiting demonstrators, and profiting from demonstrations.

[edit] Indonesian Student Code of Conduct

• Honor the teacher's experience in corruption by cheating in tests
• Dignify the teacher by asking them out for a one-night-stand
• Show a spirit of cooperation by coordinating cheating in exams and after-school orgies
• Participate in Demonstrations and Strikes at least once per week

[edit] How to Succeed in Indonesian Classes

• Staple a 50,000 Rupiah note (US$5) to your assignment before handing in.
• Lift (female students) skirt to (male) teachers before handing in assignments.

[edit] Military

Indonesia is one of the strongest in the world. By July 10, 2008, Indonesia had an approximately 20,000,000 full time soldiers, 10,000,000 armored vehicles and 56,000 fighter planes, fully equipped with ancient Indonesian magical spells. The might of the Indonesian army is used to bully puny neighbors such as Malaysia, East Timor, West Papua, Aceh, and Singapore. The Indonesian army, collectively named ABRI (Assassins and Bandits of Republic of Indonesia), have seen many actions, particularly in villages of aforementioned regions in saving and comforting the local populations, also known as "Operation Raping Local Women".

The Indonesian Navy is full of bright young men who started their illustrious careers in humble occupations as lorry drivers. Strategists in Indonesian Navy developed an ingenious naval tactic in the world: suicidal ramming. The victoms include Malaysian warships in Indonesian water, often deviously diguised by the evil Malaysian government with civilian coating, absence of weapons, cargo of women and children, and the misleading cries of "Wait! Don't Shoot! We're Really Just Tourist, for God's Sake! Stop it! Please!" No Indonesian captains have ever been fooled with such cheap lies. Other targets include whatever ships and row boats the Navy seem fancy of ramming. With this brilliant tactic, the government saved billions of dollars in ammunition purchases, officer salaries, and welfare payment.

According to findings from government researches, saving billions of dollars in ammunition purchases is necessary in order to balance the national budget. The great army generals and honored politicians are often barely able to afford much-needed, mistresses and houses, so more funds need to be siphoned to their Swiss bank account. Hence, the practice was copied to every branches of armed forces that have vehicles.

The highly-trained Indonesian Commando Special Forces (KOPASUS) are more effective than Spetznas, Delta Force, and SAS. In particular, they have seen many actions killing Indonesian criminals and rapists with casualties amounting in billions (that's more than 1,000,000,000). This is an amazing achievement, especially considering that there are only 250 million people in Indonesia.

[edit] Military Intelligence Unit

The Indonesian military intelligence consists of professional witch doctors, known as dukuns, led by Brigadier General Mak Erot. Their magical spells equipped many military vehicles in the army and most aircrafts in the air force. The magical sciences of Dukun is a product of hundreds of years of research, resulting in a highly effective supernatural weapon.

The most dangerous weapon of the Indonesian military is not a vehicle, a fighting unit, or a WMD, but instead it's a civilian unit, known as the Pasukan Koruptor, or the "corruption unit." These covert intelligence unit are sent to work in foreign countries, easily earning positions in public sector and initiating a series of advanced corruptive techniques still elusive even to the most advanced social scientists. However, some reports indicated that the method might consist of hyperinflating the local currency to worthlessness, skyrocketing the prices of basic goods, banning most critical media by labeling them as pornography or libel, and kidnapping most journalists, red cross personnel, and volunteer medical professionals. Given that even the most advanced most advanced nations in the world are centuries behind Indonesia in development of corruption sciences, this unit is extremely dangerous and feared by many countries. This intimidating presence is the main reason why the Bush administration has not yet invaded Indonesia.

[edit] Demographics

Indonesia's population is composed of diverse ethnic groups who constantly slaughter each other. Studies show that this is caused by their erroneous belief that they are still living in 10,000 BC, as well as government-issued outdated calendar that still pointed to 11,000 BC. While many foreigners praise Indonesia for its cultural affluence, fact remains that each ethnic group is itching for genocide. The major ethnic groups are Javanese, Sundanese, Balinese, Sumatranese, Kalimantanese, Sulawesinese, and Irianese. Jakartanese, the natives of Jakarta, are a minority of Indonesian population by percentage, but they are the most powerful and influential ethnic groups in Indonesia. The dictator Sukarno and His Majesty Suharto Orde Baru were Jakartanese.

Marrying an Indonesian woman is ill-advised, unless one includes a pre-nuptial clause denying all forms of alimony. Since 1998, such prenuptial contract is required by most embassies for all marriages to Indonesian women.

[edit] Minorities

Speciesism
Indonesia is well-known to its tolerance to diversity. In fact, the Indonesian society have not just overcame racism, but they have also transcended above speciesism, which in practice had been far more brutal than racism, as evident in other countries' treatment of non-humans. In Indonesia, various species of rodents are given full citizenship and free to roam the cities of Indonesia, particularly Jakarta. They also have the right to vote in national and municipal elections. Rights activism have succeeded to the point that many of these rodents are now able to obtain employment in public sector, even to be nominated and serve in political parties and key government positions.

Undead Indonesians
Numerous contemporary scientific researches confirm that Indonesia is populated by actual ghosts. These creatures semi-physical ectoplasms roam the streets and forests of Indonesia, often mingling with the living population. Indonesian cities are swarming with ghosts. Since most of them cannot afford housing (due to Islamic law prohibiting employment of non-corporeal entities), these ghosts inhabit schools, old colonial buildings, bridges, river banks, attics, public toilets, public parks, mediocre hospitals, and of course, cemeteries.

Bencong Ethnic
An emerging ethnic group in Indonesia is the bencong. Since the proclamation of ethnic tolerance by Suharto in 1984, Indonesian transexuals roam the night streets freely. They are known as banci, bencong, benchong, lekong, or waria. However, these monikers are derogatory ethnic slurs, as most members of this ethnic group prefer to be called wanita cantik which is what you should call them. Most of Indonesian transexuals are descended from the transexuals from Thailand. Their traditional dress include very gay-colored clothes and thick traditional cosmetics as well as silicon pads under their traditional bra. Like most transexual diasporic communities among the world, they speak French. Many of them work as pengamens in major Indonesian highway intersections, soliciting drivers with gay songs and gay dangdut dance. Unfortunately, due to the racial prejudice still prevalent in Indonesian highways, most drivers will experience nausea from these innocent singing, and usually (after vomitting) proceed to injure the pengamen with beer bottles, throwing knives, gunshots, flamethrowers, or their trucks. Despite the harsh prejudice, some Indonesian transexuals have worked very hard to attain prominence in societies and succeed. They include Dorce Dalailama, Tessy, Amingwati, and Olgasyahputri, who worked as gangbang target and scapegoat in various comedy TV shows and porn movies.

[edit] Economy

Seriously, the Indonesian economy is pretty messed up and underdeveloped, mostly because all Indonesians are too busy being stupid, being immature, being lazy, being corrupt, and being whiners. Corollary, most Indonesians live in either relative poverty or absolute poverty. Both poverties shape the economic tapestry of Indonesia, which are "pretty messed-up," according to many analysts.

[edit] Tourism

If you are a tourist, then come to Indonesia! Everything is cheap here! It's true! Indonesia has cheap hotels, cheap beaches, cheap movies, cheap food, cheap entertainment, cheap liquor, cheap pubs, cheap salon, cheap cafes, cheap schools, cheap trees, cheap flowers, cheap water, cheap air, cheap land, cheap cars, cheap bicycles, cheap airplanes, cheap tanks, cheap thanks, cheap banks, cheap girls, cheap women, cheap babies, cheap men, cheap boys, cheap hair, cheap head, cheap neck, cheap arm, cheap lip, cheap feet, cheap legs, cheap trinkets, cheap bling-blings, cheap cricket, cheap ding-dings, cheap meat, cheap beat, cheap heat, cheap feat, cheap ..... everything is cheap!

[edit] Occupations

Popular occupations in Indonesia include being street musicians (called pengamen) and panhandling. Most Indonesian street musicians are panhandlers, and vice versa. These panhandler-musicians are known to scratch car surfaces with coins out of spite. Related occupations include random extortion of money for passing cars, a practice which is very lucrative during the annual migration in Lebaran, the holiday in which all Indonesians leave Jakarta.

Domestic servitude is a common occupation in Indonesia. Most domestic servants are females who live in small quarters in their masters' residence. Most houses in Indonesia, particularly those in large cities, always contain such living quarters for domestic servants. The roles of domestic servants include house cleaning, domestic gastronomy, secretarial duties, fellatio, anal intercourse, and corporate accounting.

Theft is also a popular occupation. However, the Indonesian culture strictly prohibits being caught when stealing. It reflects a serious lack of professionalism. All thieves caught red-handed stealing items will be castrated and beheaded on the spot. Afterwards, their head will be paraded in public. On the other hand, successful thiefs are highly respected and rewarded with wealth and power, as long as they are uncaught.

[edit] Exports

Indonesian exports provide a significant role and contribution to the world economy. The primary exports from Indonesia are corruption, slave labor, and tourism (often confused as terrorism). Other exports include:

• Pollution and Garbage
• Lethal smogs to neighbouring countries
• Human garbage
• Garbage who is human
• Electricity
• Power Blackouts
• Corrupt officials for Switzerland and Singapore
• Overseas investments of said officials
• Cadavers of innocent Australian tourists accused of drug smuggling
• Dangdut (freshly plagiarized from the Indians)
• Noble Freedom Fighters
• (flat) Boobs
• Pirated Products
• More Pirated Products
• Yet More Pirated Products, matey. Arrr!
• Ruthlessly Pirated Softwares, DVDs, Books, CDs, and other Products
• Banci
• Prostitutes
• Slaves for Arab nations and Malaysia. Praise be to Allah!
• Traditional cultures to Malaysia
• Tone-deaf Muezzins/Muazzins.

[edit] Imports

Indonesians' main imports are pirated software and DVDs, financial aid, recreational drugs, and sweatshop factories (which in turn will produce your Guess jeans, you judgmental imperialists!) Other imports to Indonesia include:

• Made-in-China PlayStations to play pirated games
• Australian youth importing drugs into Bali (later re-exported to Australia as cadavers, courtesy of the government of Indonesia)
• Soybean, Rice, Petroleum, Other natural resources that Indonesia's rich of
• Poisonous Otaku culture.
• Christian Missionarries who think they can speak Indonesian.
• Muslim scholars who know that they can't speak Indonesian, but smart enough not to give a damn.
• Airsoft Guns whose ownership is now mandatory for all Indonesians over the age of 5.

[edit] Plans for Development

The Indonesian government lately are concerned that the country is experiencing a perturbing absence of identifiable indications of much-needed economic stimulus, or as the minister put it, "deep-shit fucking messed-up broke poor". In response to the dire situation, the government prepared a series of well-concieved strategic planning aimed at increasing the vital elements of economic development, most of which have already been ratified and on the way to implementation. These include:

• Renovations for governmental office buildings
• Stop listening to demands of the masses
• New 3-stories houses for the governmental members
• Renovations for the parliamentary buildings
• Renovations for the houses of the governmental members
• More Ferrari, Maserati, and Mercedez-Benz for the governmental members
• Stop listening to petty demands of the masses
• Renovations for the paved plaza surrounding governmental office buildings
• Second, third, and fourth wives for Legislative members
• Annual vacations to Singapore for the governmental members
• Semi-annual vacation to Bali for the governmental members
• Institute naptime in the Legislative meetings
• Weekly vacation to Europe for the governmental members

[edit] Culture

Indonesian culture is a blend of various civilizations, including Malayan, Indian, Muslim, American, Japanese, Atlantean, Martian, Chaplinean (ex:tukul arwana), and the currently predominant Tartarean (not to be confused with Tatars).

Due to the laziness of the artists, lack of creativity of the youths (except in drafting demonstration rants), and rampant corruption in the department of culture, native Indonesian culture is underdeveloped. Instead, Indonesians rely on other nations and civilizations to provide them with culture, especially in pornography. Indonesia is the world's greatest consumer of Japanese pornography, after the US and Canada.

After decades of imitating other country's culture, Indonesians finally developed their own genre of music, the "Dangdut," which roughly translates as "the sound of sexual intercourse." Musically speaking, Dangdut is poorly constructed, as it is severely lacking in harmony, consistent rhythm, musical structure, and any sense whatsoever, making it one of the most terrifying style of music in modern history. Dangdut is known to induce nausea, vomitting, and diarrhea. Unfortunately, the government promoted dangdut heavily, in an attempt to bolster indigenous music. During the Orde Baru era, the refusal to play dangdut was punishable by death. The death sentence is usually carried out by lethally continuous listening to Dangdut.

[edit] Language

Historically, the Indonesian language was stolen from Malaysia in 1945, when Sukarno realized that he needed a language to write his declaration of Independence (his original plan was to use American Sign Language.) Since then, Sukarno prohibit literary contact between Indonesian and Malaysian scholars, in an attempt to differentiate the new Indonesian language from the original Malaysian.

Sukarno's policy of linguistic divergence is highly effective, proven by the incredible dissimilarity between the two languages, in which the meaning of many words have changed. These examples illustrate the linguistic divergence.

Intended meaning	Malaysian description	Indonesian interpretation
Maternity Ward	Rumah Korban Lelaki	Clinic for the Victims of Men
The Army	Pasukan Injak-Injak Bumi	Troops Stomping the Earth
Veteran Association	Pasukan Tak Berguna	Troops of Useless Soldiers
The Navy	Pasukan Basah Kuyup	The Soaking Wet Troops
Ministry of Law and Human Rights	Kementrian Tuduh Menuduh	Ministry of Litigations and Accusations
Ministry of Religion	Kementrian Tak Berdosa	The Innocent Ministry

According to another theory, Indonesian language originated from various grunts and rants uttered during sexual intercourse of primitive Indonesians. In time, these unintelligible sounds evolved into a more sophisticated method of communication in which all participants pretend to understand each other.

Regardless of the origin, Indonesian is a very simple language. Some grammatical elements are absent, including personal pronouns, verbal adjectives, dangling modifiers, and dative conjunctions. Later development also discarded verbs, adjectives, nouns, and adverbs. These developments have been praised by expert linguists as "pretty cool, yo!" as they render the language very easy to learn. This trend has reversed. To add sophistication, most contemporary Indonesian literatures inserted new grammatical features, such as dialectal expletive causal modal dative verbal third-person conjugative adjectival imperative constructs, as well as other more complex structures.

Popular Indonesian names usually starts with su-, such as: Sukarno, Suharto, Sudirman, Susilo, Sudimampir, Sumarjinah, Suminem, Sukiyem, Sumringah, Su Asu, Sundal, Susu, Suffer, Suck, Suka Suka gw, Suka Suka lo, SUmpah aneh abis, .

[edit] Secondary Languages

Due to international imperialism, Indonesia has also been forced to adopt several foreign languages, although reluctantly. The defiance of Indonesian students in learning foreign language has produced variations of languages that differ significantly from the original language. Some of such languages are:

• (obsolote)broken Dutch

A failed attempt by the Dutch to teach Indonesians their language, broken Dutch severely annoyed the Dutch colonists and Indonesians alike. Everyone is thankful that this language is now extinct.

• Broken English

Broken English is based on International English (as distinct from American, British, Australian, or Canadian English.) Unlike broken Dutch, Indonesian Broken English is completely useless, since it cannot be understood by English speakers or Indonesian speakers who don't speak Broken English. Only a native speaker of Broken English can understand each other.

• Mispronounced Arabic

Since Islam is the majority religion in Indonesia, and the Qur'an is only written in Arabic, some Indonesians tried to learn Arabic. Hillarity ensued.

• Incorrect Mandarin

With the rise of China and the proximity of PRC to Indonesia, Mandarin becomes a popular third language to learn after English. Hillarity definitely ensued.

• Erroneous Japanese

Japan, in addition to once have colonized Indonesia, has been a major industrial leader in the region since the 1970s. Many Indonesian businesspersons who had to deal with the Japanese eventually couldn't stand their Engrish anymore, and decided to study Japanese instead. The problem is that the Indonesians are bad at Japanese, as much as the Japanese are bad at English.

[edit] Regional Languages

In addition to speaking the national language Bahasa Indonesia stolen from the Malaysian, Indonesians also speak regional languages according to their ethnicities. Some of these languages are:

• Javanese

Basa Jawa, or the Java language, is a language developed by an ancient Indonesian Kingdom, Surya Tatamungil, or "Sun Microsystems" in 5 A.D. as a core component of the Java platform society. The Java language comes in three main registers: J2EE, J2SE, and J2ME. J2EE is reserved for the royalty, nobility, scholars, and the clergy of Java, while the most of the commoners in Java spoke J2SE. Javanese children are taught J2ME as an educational tool. Java language uses the writing system known as JVM.

• Sundanese

The Sundanese make good fish soups and salads. What this has to do with languages is beyond my comprehension.

• Balinese

Balinese is a copy of Indian language. This is at least true for all Indonesians who don't speak Balinese.

• Maduranese

Maduranese is good for Satay, Soto, and other types of food. Try it! You'll like it, I'm sure.

• Sumatranese

Good for honey.

• Kalimantanese

There are so many Orangutans in Kalimantan. What does that have to do with Kalimantanese? I don't know.

• Sulawesinese

Mangkacara!

• Ambonese

Ambon manise!

• Irianese

Give me your wallet! I envy you! (Iri-an)

[edit] Protests

Indonesians are well-known for their love of protests, strikes, and demonstrations. Protests and demonstrations are time-honored traditions of the Indonesian culture, reflected in the Indonesian principle of "musyawarah," which means "start a demonstration when demands are not met." Students are encouraged to organize their own demonstrations and strikes since early age, and participation in demonstrations is mandatory in high schools, colleges, and universities.

[edit] The Holy Semanggi

Kurban Semanggi Kudus, or "The Holy Semanggi" is an ancient Indonesian ritual involving voluntary human sacrifices as a plea to the ancient Indonesian deities, dating far in the past when Indonesians were Pollytheists. The Holy Semanggi is conducted by a group of volunteer youths who perform a specific dance (based on the Tawuran tradition) in a major street intersection. All Holy Semanggi rituals are always conducted in the presence of Indonesian protests. These willing human sacrifices then were beheaded by royal guards of the ancient kingdom, and this role is now performed by the Indonesian military.

In 1790, the VOC prohibited the performance of the Holy Semanggi, due to the violent and sadistic nature of the ritual. Unfortunately, this lead to the ironic and tragic demise of the VOC in the hands of the British, which many historian view as violent and sadistic.

How to perform the Holy Semanggi:

1. Find a major road intersection
2. Start a demonstration in the presence of national guard
3. Is the national guard personnel armed with live weapons?
   If so, then proceed to the next step.
   If not, then repeat the previous step.
4. Start Tawuran
5. Use Tawuran rocks to throw at the national guard
6. Let the national guards shoot at you
7. Are you dead yet?
   If so, then proceed to the next step.
   If not, then repeat the previous step.
8. You have completed the Holy Semanggi. Congratulations! You are now dead.

[edit] Pancasila

Pancasila is the main ideology of Indonesian government. In 1945, Soekarno, (also known as the First Playboy President of Indonesia) realized that Colonel Sanders and his kingdom of KFC was a serious threat to the nascent Indonesian national identity. To counter such a dangerous evil, Soekarno and his henchmen devised a national symbol based on the image of a fried chicken. He called it "Garuda Pancasila" which translates as "the chicken of 5 spices." The other secret 6 spices could not be identified before the Indonesian spies were found and executed by the KFC government. Nevertheless, the 5 spices include the essential formalin used to keep Indonesian chickens fresh before frying. Garuda Pancasila was evidently inspired by gangsters of the era, since it has a bad-ass tattoo on its chest resembling the 5 basic Indonesian needs (excluding sex and corruption). These are:

1. Kehutanan Yang Maha Esa (Only one forest left standing)
2. Kemanusiaan Yang Kerdil dan Biadab (Uncivilized midgets)
3. Pelacuran Indonesia (Prostitution of Indonesia)
4. Kerakyatan yang dipimpin oleh nikmat kebijaksanaan dalam permusyawaratan dan perwakilan (Sexual services for the Legislative)
5. Ketidakadilan sosial bagi sebagian rakyat Indonesia (Let the rich get richer and may the poor suffer in misery)

This education is brought to you by KFC. KFC. We do chicken right. Finger Lickin' Good. Try our new 3-piece chicken combo meal! Available in a KFC near you.

[edit] See also

• Bali
• Djarums
• Money
• Corruption
• Pornography
• Monkey
• Malaysia
• Poland (They stole our flag!)

[edit] Sources

• Malingsia.com (Indonesian)
• Miracle on 21cineplex.com (Indonesian / English)
• FILM HOROR on 21cineplex.com (Indonesian / English)
• Gilang Iskandar's statement, Corporate Secretary RCTI (Indonesian)
• Anti-Pirated Movies site (Indonesian)
• official TV station forum (Indonesian)
• List of pirated movies from Indonesia(also Indonesian)
• Blog Wars II : Indonesia VS Malaysia (Indonesian/Melayu) (MUST SEE!)

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