Influenza

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The word "Influenza" (plural, influenzas), more commonly known by its clever nickname, the "flu", is a disorder originating from the orient which refers to an illness caused by foreign genetic tinkering with viruses. As a result, the evolving strains in question have adapted, even mutated into contaminants capable of thriving in temperatures above 175 degrees F and below 45 F for 3 weeks. They tend to survive on cold desk tops, toilet seats, and everywhere in the average work/shopping environment.

[edit] seasonal flu

Every year at flu season certain "flu mongers" love to hawk products guaranteed to deteriorate your kidneys at the same time as diminishing your cough, stuffy nose, and ability to stay home from work. These products are incredible effective when combined with alcohol, especially gin and tonics. Or you can make your own nyquil by simply combining a shot of Rock and Rye with 2 teaspoons of cough syrup. Same thing but different.

[edit] Media scare tactics

Although the general public believes that the seasonal Flu is a life-threatening condition, it is, in fact, not a life-threatening illness to those under 50. Just because a few hundred thousand elderly people die from it doesn't make it life-threatening. 99% of patients recover without hospital care. But the Flu organization wants your DOUGH!!! If you meet people who think Seasonal flu is deadly, Run away!! And throw a Frank Sinatra album at them. This way, you will not catch their life-threatening Gullible cluelessness. If you yourself think the Seasonal flu is commonly deadly, you're a gullible stereotype yourself. I'm sorry. Have a fried egg over easy. Feel better?? Good, but... The undercooked egg is actually a clump of Super Salmonella!! AHHH!! Ha Ha!! I got you, Gullible dude!!

[edit] Clinical features

Although the "flu" usually becomes evident three to seven days after exposure, most people know with pinpoint accuracy exactly which snivelling, sneezing asshole infects them and ruins their life for the last three weeks of every September and May 16th.

Savvy workplace employees who know the ropes of getting ahead inherently know never to admit to illness. These employees of the month are the ones who never come down with the cold or flu, oh hell no. They suffer from "seasonal allergies" or "food poisoning" while everyone around them is dying of the black plague. This tactic is amazingly effective even when carried out during consecutive flu seasons. Somehow no one ever figures out that typhoid mary is actually receptionist Mary who comes down with dust mite allergies every year at the height of flu season. Fucking asshole bitch.

[edit] Signs and Symptoms

While the initial signs of seasonal flu are a desire to be dead, temperatures ranging from -20F to 180 F, hallucinations involving giant grasshoppers and chinese leperchauns, and bed bruises and burns caused from laying in the bed for 40 days straight, also losing 20 pounds a week and never eating any foods again which remind you of pre and post flu season, most people recover and are back to themselves by the spring of the following year.

[edit] Fun Facts

Your mother has influenza. Yes.

influenzi eat noseberries, iPods, train tickets, and most things you hold dear. There are too many species of influenza in the world, as they all deserve to be shot.

Influenzi tend to use chopsticks to fly, flapping them as fast as they can. This doesn't work too well, as you can see, so they use public transportation. An influenza on a bus are one of the world's worst sights, second only to puppy raping. King Guyman von Persondood's famous photographs of influenza on buses inspired the design of the first vomit-inducing devices.

Influenzi were once thought to be monogamous, but in fact cannot even attract another influenza. They reproduce through the making of bad puns about other people and staring angrily when you don't laugh.

There are no pictures of influenzi available on the internet, as te internet would commit suicide if there were.

[edit] Species

• Family Birdy
  • Genus Badbirdy
    • Common Influenza (Badbirdy worthless)
    • Ex Tralo Ud Influenza (Badbirdy Reallyworthless)
  • Genus Worsebirdy
    • Menta Lagony, Worsebirdy Awfullness
  • Related
    • Co-worker, Pleasus Shutuppus

[edit] The extinction of Influenza

No, influenza are not becoming extinct. But here are a few things we think you should consider if one lives nearby.

• Joining the NRA
• Carrying a katana or other large, sharp object
• The fine art of rake weilding
• Wear a rubber suit that's labeled: "Ifluenza" while holding chopsticks. Then, get the police to shoot you

[edit] External links

Nothing here. We destroyed all the links, mainly because they burned our eyes.