International Baccalaureate

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“Death is not the worst that can happen to men. ”

~ Plato on IB

“YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”

~ Gandalf on IB

“Save a tree, quit IB.”

~ random IB protestor, after realising that all the paper used to write her assignments were enough to have been made from 10 trees

“Abandon all hope ye who enter here”

~ Dante on IB

“My teacher accepted my insanity plea”

~ IB student

“It's a trap!”

~ Admiral Ackbar on IB

“Dammit! There's NO TIME!”

~ Jack Bauer on IB

“I would commit suicide to get out of this, but I don't have the fucking time”

~ A random IB student

“I wonder if that pretty girl would pay attention to me if I solve this calculus problem in front of the whole class?”

~ Desperate IB student

“I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!!!......... the answer is twelve?”

~ Desperate IB student trying to impress his TOK teacher

“That project was due today?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

~ A typical IB student

“Do we have an essay in TOK again?...damn!”

~ Another typical IB student

“"IB therfore i BS"”

~ Oscar Wilde

“Well IB damned”

~ Yet another IB student

“If a picture is worth a 1000 words, I wonder if 4 pictures would be enough to desribe my essay”

~ Student doing last-minute Extended Essay

“ Damn, Looks like we all copied off the same kid ”

~ IB student wondering why his Chem homework is the same as all his class mates

“Where do I find the time for not reading so many books? ”

~ IB student cramming his world lit paper the night before the deadline

“ When it comes to CAS, IB-S. ”

~ Average IB student.

“In Soviet Russia IB passes you!”

~ Soviet Russia jocking on IB

“FREEDOM!”

~ William Wallace dropping out of IB

“Madness? THIS...IS...IB!”

~ Leonidas,when he was still doing the IB

“You cannot slander IB; it is worse than words can paint it. ”

~ Charles Haddon Spurgeon on IB

“You will have to get used to living without results and without hope. You will work for a while, you will be caught, you will confess, and then you will die. Those are the only results that you will ever see.”

~ O'Brien, to students who were about to join the IB community

“Why the hell are you guys eating breakfast in class? Don't you have time for that before school? Ah, screw it, you guys can eat.”

~ Permissive 1st-period IB pilot teacher bending the rules to distress his students

“You will no longer know what the word sleep means. Your only friends will be your fellow IB students and a social life is just a word. As of today you are no longer human. ”

~ To newcomers of the IB program from a current IB Student

“Approximately 80% of IB diploma candidates get the diploma, but this statistic quickly goes down if you look at the stats of minority groups such as Americans, Caucasians, Blacks, Asians, Hispanics, Arabs, Asspies, and people with a life.”

~ IB statistician on how many students pass the Diploma Programme

IB teacher after years of submission to the IB Gods' bidding.

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YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!

The "International Baccalaureate" (IB), or, as it is known to some, "International Bullshit" or the "I'm Better Program" is a graduating course for those students who enjoy an incredible amount of pain and torture before they kill themselves, who have also, in their previous lives, done horrible things, such as being a martyr, huffing kittens, participating in bear hunts, being a commie, being a member of G unit or having unprotected sex with animals. The IBO helps students build People of Mass Destruction, commonly called 'h'. This is something normal people seek to achieve, yet they loathe them at the same time.

[edit] Leadership

IBO has acquired a powerful new world leader. His name, according to Hick folklore, is something along the lines of Philosopholis Thompson, a menacing Lord with a godlike aptitude in the arts of child torture and disembodiment. His ultimate goal is believed to be to utilize an army of sex-starved IB students for global conquest and domination, becoming a Christ-like figure in the new world order. It is rumored that he possesses a magical book, purchased from an aging SS officer, that was used to massacre the kittens with the grues in the infamous Ancient War of the Domokunians (YES, your kitty fought in that glorious war, and died in honor. If you have a dog and lost it, then it was eaten by the bold cats during the glorious War).

[edit] Origin

The program was started by monks of the Latvian sect (Founded by Friar Peteris Lazovskis in the year 1281 C.E.) which had sado-masochistic tendencies, and who decided that adolescents, with all their "sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll" should be made to suffer just as their savior, Hamlet, son of Satan (Shakespeare), had suffered and died upon his own sword. However, Latvia lacked swords and therefore the monks decided that forcing the teens to join a ridiculous program for no real reason would suffice in order for them to do penance for their crimes.

Then in the 50s greedy bankers in Geneva bought the idea from the Latvians giving them a well-crafted shoe-horn in return. They decided that they needed a marketable name for the program. Many different ideas were put forward, We Are Young And Bored, No-Sex More Study, Lots of Work and No Life for Little to No Gain, were all briefly toyed with. But they wanted something that we really connect with the youth of the time. They thought of the big stars of the day, Joseph McCarthy, Ike Eisenhower, Walther Ulbricht, etc. Finally they had it ... Lauren Bacall. She had everything the greedy Swiss wanted: sex appeal, plus people wanted to have sex with her, and she was attractive to boot. But they kind of wanted an international diploma, an international Lauren Bacall. So they mixed up her name to create the International BacallLaurenate, then they translated it to Esperanto to market it to Europe, and there you have it the International Baccalaureate. Rumour has it that the IB is so evil it has produced IB incarnate (other wise known as Brohier) often compared to the Cookie Monster

[edit] About

The program consists of forcing the unsuspecting teenagers to partake in Satanic rituals known as Internal Assessments and Extended Essays in which they are violated with pitchforks and inseminated with Blue Whale ejaculate (straight from the tap baby!) It also contains so called "Oral commentaries" and "Oral presentations" which involve performing oral sex upon the teacher non-stop for half an hour without taking a breath. An alternate oral assignment exists in which the student delivers an oratory report on a subject according to rigorous IB standards, but a majority of students find oral sex to be less traumatizing and substantially easier to recuperate from. It is said that the only way to definitively complete such rituals with a high mark is to sell your little brother or sister's body to the Devil or to Frank Entis (a level 59 mage exiled from Jewtopia after he was caught molesting a young Adolf Hitler; later moved to Canada to live with his own kind.) Finally, after living off intravenous caffeine injections for years, the students are subjected to tortures known as the Final Exams, which they do not feel ready for due to several years' insomnia (due to the caffeine). The Italian writer Dante has called IB the 29th circle of hell. The IB dropout and purveyor of already completed homework, Jeremy Feldman, however, preferred to call IB merely the 10th level of hell. Fear not students who ignored inferno during your sophomore year at Desert Mountain High School, this is still the maximum level. However, IB coordinators chose to reject this notion as inappropriate for a public institution, and therefore T-Shirts were never made. This is not to say that they were never attempted, merely that the results were unsatisfactory.

Students who undergo IB experience a colorful spectrum of interesting (yet understandable) urges. The calm and reserved begin to acquire incredibly strong desires to intercept and burn all IB exam papers; the strong may wish to annihilate all IBO regional offices with a massive array of explosives; the truly violent convince religious fanatics to commit terrorist acts against all IB institutions (What? Did you honestly think that September 11th was about a couple of American bases in Saudi Arabia? What better base for IBO operations than the World Trade Center?)

Everything a student does for IB is confiscated, and The Organization receives all credit for your arduous work (I guess the Honor Code doesn't apply to aspiring authoritarian regimes.) If a student makes a discovery when completing the extended essay, write a computer system for a computing project, or do anything that could potentially change his/her life for the better, s/he can throw such aspirations out the window (or up the ass) as soon as s/he hands it in to The Organization. In short, when a student hands the research in, the copyrights get transferred to IB. They, not the hard-working student, now own the fruits of the student's labor. The irony is that the student is the one who pays school fees, examination fees and the other fees that IB needs to keep their minions content. Also, honor code. Seriously, what the fuck ever happened to intellectual property rights?

[edit] IB in pop culture

The Discovery Channel tried in 1997 to make a cinematic documentary on the rigorous rituals of IB, but, due to several complications, the idea was tossed. It was impossible to make such a film without containing footage that was above any rating system previously known to man; the film also would have violated the Geneva Convention. Unfortunately, camera crews and "experts" found it difficult to film the IB creatures in their natural habitats due to peculiar social behavioral habits, such as a hostility towards light and animosity towards "foreigners," even though each of them were learning at least 10 foreign languages every year.

[edit] The Gnome Hypothesis

A founder of ToK.

One Hypothesis about the origin of the International Baccalaureate is that it was created by a race of swiss gnomes intent on reducing the worlds brightest to gibbering idiots. According to this theory, IB was formulated in 1967 by a race of genetically-enhanced super gnomes designed to construct shoes inside a room in the swiss canton of Bern. Tired of being trampled on, these minuscule gnomes decided that if they were too boring and overworked to go out drinking, then so should everyone else. So they proceeded to spread this evil cult, creating a race of diabolical servants said to strike fear into the heart of Satan himself: The Theory of Knowledge Teacher. This demonic beast is created by taking a simple teacher, removing their soul, and replacing it with the Theory of Knowledge. Using their dark Topological minions the Gnomes have perpetuated their cult to this day.

[edit] The Neo-Gnome Theory

The Gnome theory was later further developed by the not-actually-so-famous Professor J. de Salistafarian, who became a professor at the Australian National University (which he initially entered due to his high IB score. This was, however, only after he sold his soul to his Theory of Knowledge teacher who was possessed by The Devil). Following his completion of postgraduate studies (for which he was subliminally indoctrinated by the IB into believing was his only path in life) de Salistafarian proceeded to write his Ph. D thesis on the origins of the evil, Satanic cult that effectively destroyed the better part of his teenage years.

During his research, de Salistafarian made significant discoveries to support the aforementioned "Gnome Hypothesis". However, he also came across evidence to suggest that Gnomes, after destroying the minds and social lives of the world's youth, planned to overtake their bodies and travel to the Bahamas, where they would party and drink beer for eternity.

However, much to the gnomes delight, de Salistafarian's thesis never became popular as the final quarter of it was random and insignificant drivel. This was because during his final doctorate year, de Salistafarian suffered 'TOK relapse', an all-too-common post-IB illness where the person begins questioning the existence of everything around them. Initially, he theorized that Gnomes were not only small, beer-loving creatures, but rather, they were infinitesimal beings that sporadically popped in and out of existence. For this reason he then likened Gnomes to electrons and following this, he philosophized that Gnomes = electrons, therefore he = somebody else; maybe even a person in an alternate world where the word "socialize" actually existed for IB students.

At this point in his life, de Salistafarian surpassed the average level of insanity for an IB graduate. He hypothesized that he did exist in this world and that therefore he was actually Oscar Wilde. This lead him to believe that it was he who said "IB therefore I BS". When he was later told by his supervising professor that he was not actually Oscar Wilde, de Salistafarian broke down and cried. It is said that he did not leave his room for 2 months and survived solely on beer and waffles. It was later discovered that de Salistafarian did not leave his room because he used his instinctive IB knowledge to formulated 2 theories:

1. That locking yourself in your room before an important assessment period (i.e. exams) is the only way to survive, unless you waste time napping. Who needs sleep when you could be studying anyway?

2. Gnomes = electrons, therefore I = somebody else, and Oscar Wilde = somebody else. However I supposedly do not = Oscar Wilde, therefore I do not exist.

Although de Salistafarian no longer locks himself in his room, he is still a petrified recluse, hiding from his own reflection. Also, his final thesis was published, however, the academic world was never enlightened because the Gnomes destroyed every copy of the paper.

[edit] The "Revenge of the Nerds" Hypothesis

A typical IB nerd deviously seeking for revenge.

A second hypothesis on the origin of the International Baccalaureate is that one day a group of nerds got together and, thoroughly tired of being bullied, devised a plan to take revenge against all those who menaced the loveless geeks throughout high school. This plan was called the INTERNATIONAL BACCALAUREATE. As years went by and more and more nerds joined the plan, the INTERNATIONAL BACCALAUREATE soon became into the International Baccalaureate Organization (IBO). Due to bad organization and constant internal strife, a "CEO" was chosen. Lucifer became the first "CEO" of the IBO and, with the nerds, he managed to take revenge upon the foolish mortal bullies. However, like the French Revolutionaries, the nerds began to turn on their own kind, submitting their intellectual rivals and peers alike to the hellish IB experience. Lucifer himself was overthrown by Jew-Lord Amy Smith, who then proceeded whip out his massive cock and decapitate the prince of darkness with his elongated phallus.

[edit] Side Effects of IB on Your Mental Health

There are many cases where someone who was not suicidal became such after starting: then there are many cases of TOK, making you see patterns in non-existant events in human existence and/or thinking there is no such thing as reality. Major brain damage due to lack of sleep is seen as a common sign that someone was a victim, but it is thought that this seams to have no effect on later life as they all end up living in cardboard box.

[edit] Extra Points

Apart from randomly pre-assigned subject grades, IB offers students the possibility to gain extra points through many secondary activities such as:

Reaching the speed of light, at which point turning on a flashlight. Followed by an in depth lab report. Minimum 4000 Words blue pen double spaced 1 inch margins.
Making love to your IB coordinator (5-10 extra points per hour depending on how good you are)
Playing with calculator during your free time.(There is no free time in the IB program, so this is virtually impossible unless you figure out how to alter the space-time continuum, which is the REAL reason you get extra credit for this).
Proving that 1=2.
Dividing by zero
Directly connecting liberalism to immorality.
Completing Sherman's March by destroying Atlanta, Georgia and annihilating all Confederate Hicks.
Finding the lost city of Atlantis and rebuilding it over the ashes of Atlanta, Georgia.
Reviving a Dodo and teaching it to fly.
Dividing the Matrix using mathematical induction.
Exporting democracy, then importing it back in a condition better than it was shipped out.
Making your own sea city, using only salt.
Making yourself a tattoo of the IB logo in your back with only a fork, a knife, a spoon and using gesso or oil paint(in this case it should dry in 5 minutes)
Training a monkey from Africa to do your homework. This is difficult because the monkey has AIDS and will die in 10 minutes(native Africans don't count as monkeys).
Owning a crystal angel sculpture named Femur and convincing it to kill the director
Hanging yourself with your small intestine and doing an essay explaining the functions of the small intestine and the physics of hanging.
Find a cure for the common cold and/or AIDS, using only drugs available over-the-counter at a German drug store.
Discovering the Meaning of Life in
Sell Your Soul to the math teacher
Write an extended extended essay. 10,000 words is the minimum
Have a hot girlfriend for more than 1 month (this requires getting a job, but theres no time for that, so it's impossible).
perform open heart surgery using only a plastic fork. Write a 10,034 word essay about open heart surgery. Use a #4 pencil.
Getting three or more consecutive hits at the Crossbar in the daunting game of Crossbar Challenge
Get yourself invited to a party, as a result you die of the shock. You must devise a way to come back to life using duct tape and a trained squirrel. If you happen to succeed - you will die again when you remember you were supposed to write a comparative essay on soviet existentialism (essay due before humans evolved).
Buy Me a cookie. Because I'm that awesome.
Successfully explain everything you say to a NIB (This is impossible, don't bother trying)
Beat all of your teachers in an arena match in World of Warcraft because all of your teachers are nerds just like you and are the masters of the game because they have no life... just like you
find the origins of the toothpick. Then write a paper on this subject, you may use a toothpick and no ink.
create a new hot sauce, one that could kill a human...drink it and survive
convince a die hard Toronto Maple Leafs fan that the Leafs will never win a Stanley Cup in their lifetime, do this while wearing a sens jersey
In the next 5 minutes create a time machine so that you can repeat tasks 1-30.......but better

- - Note: no matter how many extra points you get, or how well you do on your exams you will not receive an IB Diploma. Instead you when you open your results page you see a message that say "MUHAHAH! You did not receive your diploma! So go Fuck Yourself! Love THE IB. -P.S. Thanks for the research." ***

Below you may find an example of the IB Final Exam.

[edit] Final Exam

Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time limit: 2 hours. Begin immediately. What you do counts for 5% of your grade; how you explain what you've done represents 95%. Don't forget to make connections to all the other subjects in every one of your exams and to cite every single book related to the answers or you will lose points for every source not cited. Don't forget to cite ToK references to every question. ToK is all around us. This test is out of 10,000,000 marks. 2 extra marks will be awarded to candidates who can explain why the hell they are called marks.

Public Speaking: 2500 riot-crazed Aborigines will storm the classroom in four minutes. When they arrive, calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

Medicine: You have been provided with a plastic knife and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. You have fifteen minutes.

Creativity: Create a perfect replica of the statue of liberty with Chinese chopsticks and macaroni. No glue is allowed. You may only use your left hand, or your right hand if you're left handed. Ambidextrous individuals have to use their feet. Go.

Biology: Create life. Compare your artificial life to the natural one. 5 extra marks will be given to students who can design enough life-forms to form an ecosystem that doesn't collapse within 10 hours. "I don't have a life" will not be taken as an excuse.

Create a Zombie and allow it to consume your flesh. Then, before succumbing to your mortal wounds and zombie infection, write 20 pages on the uses of hamsters for stopping a Zombie plague, using only a toothpick and boot polish.

Mathematics:HL: You will be chained inside a hypercube, with only your left eye as an appendage. You have 2.3 negaseconds to plot the intersection of spacetime with your hypertime. Prepare to jump at this point of concurrence. If this test is failed, you will be TRAPPED IN THIS OCTAVARIUM!!!

By substituting 2 for 1, find the exact value for 1+1. Hence prove that 0 = 1 and derive an expression for an infinitely null existent non-existing value for theta. You have pi minutes to complete this exam, which is simultaneously an infinite and null value of time. You are now in a black hole. Find the mathematical equation that can prove you are in a different dimension. Prove that nothing exists.

Alternatively, find the equation of a line that does not exist (hint: let a = 7) and prove beyond a reasonable doubt to a kangaroo court that said line trisects a certain point (which also doesn't exist).

For extra marks, find the equation of the planet that doesn't even exist in this universe. Use 16 variables: a, b, c, r, x, y, z, theta, alpha, beta, gamma, mamma, yo momma, mu, mew, mewtwo, mambo and rambo. Find the equation of the distance between the sun and the Nebula Galaxy. You are not allowed to use a calculator.*

in a strange twist of fate that also resulted in the forming of the Soviet Union, over 80% of students PASSED this exam!*

Mathematics:SL: find the sum of your name assuming that , and/or any other basic mathematical formula, if a letter of your name is not present then you will not receive credit. You may only use a four function calculator and no scratch paper will be given.

Find the volume of a square based cone. You will be given no measurements except the number 21. Give your answer in to the power of n.

Further Mathematics: Prove that the meaning of life is 42. Hense prove a straight line is always twice the length of your left thumb. Hense prove all "Rules of Thumb" are true. Thus prove that the reason you took this subject is directly proportional to the square root of -1. Using this prove that this exam is impossible. You may not use a calculator or a brain. All answers must be 1.8 characters long (including spaces) and contain no references to any concept of Mathematics. All answers and working must be in Hexidecimal.

Sociology: Convince sociologists from Brownsville that Global Warming exists.

Physics: Given that solve by proving with induction that . Use the answer to this question to work out how long you have to do this exam then complete all pages except for 1, 4, 6, 0.5 and 87. You will lose all marks and your soul if any answers are not stated to 19.3 significant figures and the variable simply known simply as "panda" is not present in your answer.

Write a negative one page paper on why writing this paper is not physically possible. Please answer in Volts per Mole.

Attempt to split an atom with a toothpick without using NASA or the Asian kid sitting next to you. You may use the atomic detonation on them if they are Japanese, but if you do you must first use it to eradicate all Japanese manga.

Thearte Arts: Act out Hamlet in its entirety, without using language, focusing on stillness and silence, by yourself.

Physical Education Throw a football. Write a paper on the trajectory. Next, using the areas of interaction, explain the deeper meaning of a football and how the history of the shin pad symbolizes the American dream. Then catch the football.

English: Cite all of Shakespeare's plays word by word, but omitting the letter "e".

Find and explain the root of the word Frinkledish. At least 1000 words are needed to pass this exam.

Read "Flanders Fields". In exactly 1500 words answer neither of the following questions.

- How does the poppy represent the authors deep desire for Oscar Wilde?
- How is the 'field' referred to in the poem actually a representation of the British Class System?

French: Outline all three French victories in military combat against Germany. "There were no French victories against the Germans" will not be taken as an answer, even though it's true. Because he is a Corsican, all of Napoleon's accomplishments are to be ignored.

German: Outline all 500 German victories against the French in military combat. Your test will be invalidated if you use any German word that is more than 7 letters in length.

Latin: You have five minutes to translate the Aeneid without a dictionary and scan every line in Ovid's Amores without use of dactyls or spondees. Go!

Regain the glory days of the ancient Roman Empire, starting with the beginning of the universe. As we realize this assignment could prove slightly difficult, you have ten minutes.

Pathology: A volatile strain of smallpox will be released in New York City, Washington DC, Chicago, Dallas, Houston, and Los Angeles in half an hour. Contain the outbreak, no more than 500 smallpox related deaths will be acceptable.

Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Then discuss in a 50 page essay the effects, if any, of the war. We understand that it may take you a while: if the war is not over in ten minutes we authorize you to use nuclear weapons, as it will save many American lives. If the war lasts over 15 minutes then you fail for not being patriotic enough. No less than 200,000 Japanese deaths are acceptable, regardless of whose side the slant-eyed bastards are on.

Go second and clean up the war your classmate made. You have a $2 budget balance and you cannot use words. You have one hour. Go.

Epistemology: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stance.

Philosophy: Shit Happens. Why? Also: When shit does not happen, prove why not.

Economics: Increase the American inflation by 2.543% buying all the external US Dollar reserves. You have 7 minutes.

Art: Your have 5 minutes to look at and memorize a picture of the Sistine Chapel. Create a perfect replica on a 1:3 scale. Use the marble stones and other supplies you were required to bring to the exam.

Law: Create a new amendment and have it ratified to the United States Constitution. Extra points will be awarded for getting previous amendments repealed. Preferably number 8 (No cruel/unusual punishment).

Astronomy: Create a medium-sized black hole on your desk.

Theory Of Knowledge: What is the meaning of life? Be specific and concise. Please answer in meters per second and cite your sources.

Tell us why every ToK teacher can play guitar. Saying that they are all the same person will not be accepted, even though it is the answer. Also saying that ToK is a figment of Satan's imagination will not be accepted. The answer is also 42, but if you write any numbers, or references to numbers, or anything following or not following these instructions, you will fail.

Religion: Prove that God is real.

Find Him/Her/It and make said Deity prove it.

Using only the Old Testament, prove that Jesus actually survived and had several children. Find every living descendant.

Spanish: Locate a poor child in Honduras and have him lead you to a buried chest of Aztec gold. "There were no Aztecs in Honduras" is not an acceptable excuse.

Find an Aztec Temple in central Madrid using only the words on Page 37 of your text book. You will not be allowed to leave the exam room. "Madrid is in Spain, not Latin America," is not acceptable.

Manage to speak Spanish without a Spanish speaker laughing at your inability to roll your r's. If you are a Spanish speaker, hit your head, develop amnesia, and relearn Spanish. Tienes diez minutos.

Engineering: E-mail me your exam when complete. You may not use a computer.

Create a time-machine and hand this test in ten minutes ago.

Chemistry: Construct an illegal biological weapon of your choice. You may only use elements from Group VIII. See Resident Evil 3 for reference(the T-Virus).

Create Lysergic acid diethylamide using only your body excretions. Once produced, then consume the LSD-25, proceed to maintain your lucidity, and write a 20 page lab report. Points will be deducted for any answers containing the words "gnomes, flying, jesus, red(II) elephant, or etc"; also no points will be given for bad trips.

Geography: Find where Osama Bin Laden lives, giving the excuse of "We are bringing liberty to the people of "x" country". Meanwhile, searching is absolutely prohibited.

Jamaican: Dissect a Punani. Extra points for dissecting your own.

Go smoke some weed and write a 30 page paper over why that country doesn't do anything...NO Water, Food, or Bathroom Breaks.

History: Write all of your history syllabus in 45 minutes. Dates for every event and crisis is essential. You will get no marks if etc. is found on your answer. A minimum of 7 and a half pages is required. You will not be able to finish the exam; if you manage to finish it in time, name Hitler's dog.

Dicover the name, of the backwards caveman who discovered fire, in an alien swahili dialect from the planet Uranus. Then write an exactly 6,582 word essay with the tools the cavemen had used to discover the alien dialect using the standard test taking time (5 Minutes). You may not use the words "the", "caveman/cavemen/cavewoman", "fire", or "swahili".

Write a 5000 word monograph using only consonants, and all historical figures should be referred to as Wilde. Any dates NOT before 6000 B.C. will result in failure. Your monograph will then be graded on historical accuracy.

Music: Play Bela Bartok's Concerto for Orchestra from memory on a penny whistle. While doing so, write out a copy of the full score of Beethoven's Eleventh Symphony. "Beethoven didn't write an eleventh symphony" is not an accepted excuse.

In front of you is a microphone. Play every Radiohead song ever made with only your voice. That includes every instrument.

NOTE : Most schools will not have "hands on" exams composed of objects supplied by the school, but focus on more theoric work. It teaches students to make more, with less.

Psychology: account for, analyze, assess, compare, compare and contrast, calculate, construct, consider, define, describe, discuss, distinguish, evaluate, examine, explain, identify, outline and "to what extent?" all theories of personality from psychodynamic, cognitive, biological, learning and sociocultural perspectives. Write at least 6 and no more than 8 pages, with evident emphasis on Freud (note that at least every second word has to have the root "sex", "oral" or "anal" in it [word "analysis" does not count as a word with root "anal"; also Karen Horney has no connection with sex]). You may quote only and explicitly your professor; any knowledge outside syllabus will be severely punished.

Short answer questions (1 or 2 pages):

- Prove that ID, EGO and SUPEREGO exist. You may use a bilingual dictionary. - Explain your decision to go to IB in terms of your psychosexual undergratification. - Explain why Freud was wrong. You are not allowed to quote Eysenck. - Explain why Freud was right. You may quote or cite or refer to only Eysenck. - List at least 150 psychologists with ridiculous names. - Compare and contrast womb and penis envy in terms of their applicability. -After you have finished the exam, go home and make love to your mother. Explain in a 6000 word essay why you did so. "Because you just told me to" is not acceptable.

Prove that aggression is caused by non-disjunction of the chromosome 21 and, without referring to the human genome project, prove that down syndrome is just a figment of people imagination caused by their own insecurities. You have 5 minutes. You must state every psychologist ever, if any female names are used the answer will not be accepted: the statement there were no female psychologists is true.

Japanese: Conquer assorted small island nations in a ocean of your choice. Then declare war on the closest super power and suffer humiliating defeat. If you happen to win the war you will be required to submit all land and resources to the IBO.

[edit] Group 4 Project

Group 4 Project is the only known opportunity for the poor IB students to finally get laid. In this sinister project, students gather in a group and work on special project theme produced by the evil douchebags from the IBO. Just like other IB projects, this project tends to stress out hardworking people, while the otherwise suicidal students don't care about the project and think of it as another ritual for IB people to go through. In these projects, since students are supposed to meet for at least two months, the chances that male and female individuals fall in love with each other is pretty high due to the fact most of this project happens outside of the class, not IN the class (so no more formal conversations, i.e. "Um, Jennifer, may I see your assignment please?" "Here you go..." "Thank you...."). (Same-sex schools are offered no substitution for co-ed projects and will either continue to be abstinent or become gay) Most of the themes are rarely given by the teachers themselves; instead, like mentioned above, the IBO comes up with the topics every year. The topics are cleverly chosen so the results of the projects can be accessed for the possibility of the application for world domination (for example, "the relationship between power production and contamination" has plenty of possibility for the manipulation of the results obtained by the poor students, who don't get credit for their ideas while the evil IBO manipulates the results in order to take a step ahead for their ultimate world domination).

[edit] TOK

TOK (pronounced "TALK", which is all that ever happens in this course, or "TOKE" as in toking, which is what each teacher and student must do prior to every class in order to properly understand what each other is saying) is the bane of every IB student's existence. It is a class straight from Hell. It was initially taught in Hell, and anyone who goes to Hell takes that course. Once students had learned of their depressing fate, they were then required to prove, while being specific and concise, to what extent their existence was futile . Satan never actually took the class himself as the 9th Circle of Hell appeared less painful, which is where he resides at present. Nonetheless, he was successful in passing his political agenda by the means of Areas of Knowledge. His thinly veiled plan, TOK, failed miserably when, at the end of the class, students understood that it was just another neo-counter culture. Even Focuault accepted that having sex with HIV positive patients, and extracting AIDS from them was better than taking this class. But by all means this class doesn't represent the terrorist activities of Bin Laden. It doesn't promote the self-perpetuating ideology of subterfuge and guerrilla warfare, but rather, it just questions it. The syllabus of TOK is comprised of in depth, anarchic analysis of the life and times of yours truly, Mr. Oh Sammy (who is better known by his Western translation, Osama). The syllabus can be outlined through a trifecta: where, how and in the end why? Thus, through great endeavors, Satan developed his profound, in-depth and mind boggling syllabus. Students, or minions as they are called upon completion of the course, begin to understand the uselessness of the course after Day 1. However, it is, by then, too late to go back. Satan is often heard giggling from Day 2 onwards, and he is quoted as saying the overall experience is "pleasing", as he greatly enjoys seeing people pulling their hair out. This hair pulling, which is coined a "Relaxing Exercises", and is employed for the first 15 minutes of each class, occurs because not only do students keep pondering the same questions that great postmodern philosophers cannot answer, but they get into in-depth arguments, or "Talks" for classes on end. As a matter of fact, this class is the epitome of doom, as orchestrated by the IB coordinators (syn. Doom Legion Commanders). These Commanders (Coordinators), are continuously trying to make people think that they are of superior intelligence, but in reality (note the use of realism, a tool developed in IB/TOK), they have sold their souls, and use recruiting tactics such as telling students they are special (syn. gifted). This is misconstrued, as the special the Doom Legion Commanders are talking about involve the Special Ed Department(SPD). Please visit your local SPD for a full, extended syllabus.

However, again due to strangely unforseen circumstances, some students were given the gift of a teacher that actually KNEW what he was doing. He was also a beatles fan, and resembled John Lennon in many ways. This teacher also happens to be a Wizard by his own admission.

This rarity in good teachership appears in The IBO at a ratio of 234,435,674,469,169 to 1 against.

[edit] Subscription Details

Do not subscribe to students whose name starts with E, J, or K as their head might explode. Turkish students might also want to refrain studying the IB as it has been statistically proven that they turn into a breed of poodle upon entering class. Experiments by Psychology students conducted on their fellow classmates have proven that it is common for a student to spontaneously combust at the sight of their second year English teacher. The exams are written by a bunch of flying monkeys. Therefore be sure you know at least a South African monkey dialect before taking the exams and that you are vaccinated against monkey flatulence.

[edit] Help on How to Write an IB Paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lit place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Read over the assignment carefully to make certain you understand it.

3. Walk to the local Starbucks and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.

4. Stop over at a friend's house on the way back and visit with them. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you their paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating plastic see-thru folders, kill them. Your friend is a secret operative for The Machines.

5. When you get back, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

6. Read over the assignment again to make sure you absolutely understand it.

7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.

8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

9. Listen to one side of your favourite tape and that's it. I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start the paper.

10. Listen to the other side.

11. Rearrange all of your CD's, tapes, etc. into alphabetical order.

12. Phone your friend and ask if they've started the paper yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the IB program, and the world in general.

13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lit place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savour its special flavour.

15. Check out the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. Note: when a paper is due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theatre to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: 1) Pro Bowler's Tour, 2) any movie starring Don Ameche. 3) Barney and Sesame Street.

16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.

17. Phone your friend again to see if they were watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot. If you previously executed this friend, then rebuild him, discuss the movie, and kill him again.

18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

19. Look through your album of pictures from the last 15 years. Try to remember who everyone is.

20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your future.

21. Open your door and check to see if there are any IB coordinators lurking about.

22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.

24. Carefully read Uncyclopedia's section on the Unternational Baccalaureate.

25. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

26. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

27. Continue these steps until time for the bus.

28. Write 501 words, since this is closer to 1000 than 0, and consider assignment complete.

29. Repeat steps 1 to 28 for remaining assignments.

30. Copy from someone else right before class.

31. Before class has began write the answers to every of your subjects' syllabus onto a table, which you have carefully chosen. Now copy the answers onto your answer paper.

32. Once you feel you have achieved enough marks, STOP. Now slowly start making rude noises to the students around you, making sure you keep your eyes closed.

33. Try to convince your teachers that you actually know what you're doing so they might just give you some extra credit for the hell of it. (0.0046 points of extra credit for being more of a dumbass then anyone else in the class and amazing your teacher simultaneously)

[edit] How to Complete a Successful Math Portfolio

1. Pick a study area free of distractions....such as potentially fatal instruments like guns, knives, rope, etc.

2. Read over the multiple pointless steps that will require you to do hours of tedious work like typing up hundreds of... I don't know... math stuff.

3. Contemplate all the other things that you'd rather be doing.

4. Call fellow procrastinators and follow directions previously stated in the "help on how to write an IB paper" section.

5. Once you've returned from your little jaunt, sit down and stare at the assignment.

6. Organize your sheets of blank lined paper, shuffle if necessary.

7. Wait 5 minutes... re-organize your sheets of still blank lined paper.

8. Write your name (on every sheet).

9. Speaking of which, google search your own name.

10. Pretend to ponder the wonder of Math.

11. Actually think about all of the other homework that you haven't done. Make a mental list.

12. Avoid looking at clock at all times... okay, sneak a peek at clock...snarl at hour hand.

13. Think of synonyms for the word snarl.

14. Think about how you'd like to get more sleep than the bus ride to school and reread the assignment.

15. Turn on the television. Conveniently, there's a marathon of That 70's Show, which is conveniently your new favorite show. Watch 7 episodes. (6 were reruns)

16. Assess your life.

17. Watch your future wriggle away.

18. Think of synonyms for the word wriggle.

19. Ok, it's time to get serious.

20. Google search the exact title for the assignment and find this website instead...waste next hour and a half reading it and memorizing the little jingles. (maybe even add a section)

21. Sneak another little peek at clock.... have minor coronary.

22. Smash face against wall twelve times and repeat.

23. Don't go to a doctor. Repair your smashed face as a project. (vinegar and brown paper)

see Jack and Jill)

24. Watch Russel Peters: Outsourced 99 times and tend to your smashed face. Then and only then touch pen to paper. Write the first digit...and stop there for two days...why do today things you can put off till tomorrow.

[edit] IlBer's Paradox

It is common to see IB students rummaging through anti-IB propaganda whilst at the same time claiming they have no time. This was not seen as logical by IB Physics students, as these actions implied that the conservation of time had been violated. The solution to this was come up by a man of the name of IlBer (sic), who stated that the only reason that IB students had time to rummage through such propaganda was because it fell under their CAS programme's 'creativity' hours, and could thus be considered part of the IB course, not extra time outside of that of the universe ('IB' and 'Universe' are interchangeable terms in reference to IlBer's paradox)

[edit] IB Theme Tune

I am the IB man
I made a big mistake
And I must say
(What must you say?)
(Insert anti-IB sentiment here)
IB-IB-IB-O IB-O IB-O
IB-IB-IB-O IB-IB-O

I am the IB man
I have no time for play
And I must say
(What must you say?)
(Insert anti-IB sentiment here)
IB-IB-IB-O IB-O IB-O
IB-IB-IB-O IB-IB-O

I am the IB man
I haven't slept for days
And I must say
(What must you say?)
(Insert anti-IB sentiment here)
IB-IB-IB-O IB-O IB-O
IB-IB-IB-O IB-IB-O

Repeat Indefinitely

[edit] IB Song by the Beatles

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, the IB.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, the IB
The IB, the IB, the IB, the IB
Whisper words of wisdom, the IB.

And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer,the IB.
For though they may be parted there is
Still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, the IB.
the IB, the IB. Yeah
There will be an answer, the IB.

And when the night is cloudy,
There is still a light that shines on me,
Shine on until tomorrow, the IB.
I wake up to the sound of music
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, the IB.
the IB, the IB
There will be an answer, the IB.
the IB,the IB,the IB,the IB
Whisper words of wisdom, the IB.

[edit] IB Prayer

"Now I lay me down to rest

A stack of books upon my chest,

And if I die before I wake

That's one less test I have to take."

[edit] The Associate

An IB Student, usually if they did not know they had talent, and did not know any better, has the option in most countries to "go Associate". When a student "goes Associate" it saves 40 acres of the Southern American Jungle, because students will no longer be required to take History of the Americas "HotA," (pronouced HO-TAH) which saves the Southern American rain forest from the rape of Anthropological Researchers, who in turn become the "HotA" teachers. Although the prestige of IB is not as much as one that could have taken "Full IB" it allows the student an increased 50% chance to get laid, keep friends, and have an overall well social life. Though the student still has to do a smaller percentage of work, and does not have to type up an extended essay (4,000 words) and have a slightly smaller chance, as their "full" counterparts to get into the UC they wish. However the Associate has the ability to sleep for extended periods of time, and unlike their "full" counterparts, be up and ready for class. The Associate student, is unusually more intelligent than their "full" counterparts and are better, more well rounded students.

[edit] Students

An IB student is something similar to a human. Their lives consist solely of school related activities, mainly homework such as labs and essays, and taking notes for 'Haircutters'. Their teachers, with the exception of naive and clueless pilot teachers, are the most dictatorial beings in the known universe and are merciless in both their curriculum and in their marking. It is believed that all the great dictators of the world once taught at an IB school, before being fired for not marking tests hard enough. Most then pursued careers in genocide and hate. All this is completed in the hopes for a better life for the IB students, but in the end the students are thrown back to the masses after having had their minds thoroughly raped by information being ass-pounded into them for four years. They are lured in with promises of achievement and placement in prestigious universities, but this cake is a lie, and their years of torture are, at best, forgotten and suppressed by expensive anti-psychotic drugs and alcohol. This is a warning to all those who may be in danger of falling upon the same fate: DO NOT succumb to the evil. Taking IB may be comparable to giving up a cruise across the ocean and swimming via the arctic circle instead: same destination, and about five more years in the hospital. IB drop outs, otherwise known as normies, have been seen in studies to display higher levels of happiness, fun, and chances of getting laid than their IB counterparts. Although many normies turn to drugs and alcohol as a way of healing the pain (emotional and physical) caused by the IB program, most doctors have concluded that students' chances of liver disease and heart failure are lower outside of the program.

It is known that only about 0.0001% of IB students don't gain stress or madness from International Baccalaureate. But it is also known that that 0.0001% were probably nuts to begin with (which would be the REAL reason they chose IB), so they didn't have any sanity to lose, unlike everyone else. Example: Chris Kayne. How he manages to get away without suffering is beyond the mental capacity of the greatest minds known to International Baccalaureate. The there is what IB fears most, the rare man like David Baake who IB drove to nothing at all... somehow this man did not do anything but drink and smoke and still passed IB and they said when he comes again it will be the second coming of The Baake the man that will lead the IBer to freedom, and the next world.

[edit] NIBs

A species of human has recently been discovered: the NIB. NIB, being short for 'Non-I.B' and pronounced 'nib', denotes a student who (quite wisely) did not choose to study the International Baccalaureate, but whose behaviour and general social mannerisms hint that, for some reason, they aspire to become an I.B. student. Only a handful of NIBs have actually been discovered so far, but scientists (from the IB, naturally) are confident that somewhere around 239,242 +- 1 NIBs exist on Earth. There are some NIB's specimens that don't reach more than 15 cm of height. Often times, an NIB is a person everyone knows, yet no one likes.

Typical NIB features:

having an extra-small size
in nearly all social situations (between 90%-100%), is in the company of at least one IB student.
has quite repulsive dress sense
has quite repulsively thin body
is an asian or once was an asian
has quite repulsively boring hairstyle
refers to I.B. students as 'ibs'
buys I.B. textbooks "to help with my A-Levels/AP Exams"
is the target of many a joke/sexual reference/NIB reference/physical harassment/verbal harassment (AKA Joey Papin)
are under the impression that being in IB will make them "cool."
couldn't handle the pressure of being an actual IB student

A NIB has also been observed being used as a term for any student not associated with IB by the IB students themselves. A statement might go as: "I was going to study in the career center, but a bunch of NIBS were in there talking. Now I'll never finish this damned Extended Essay."

NIBs can also be found in the form of year 11's, those who are in their second last year of schooling. They constantly see the need to play loud music in the common room and scream about how their weekends were full of partying, with little care for the unfortunate senior IB students, who were chained to their desks night and day all weekend, who are trying to finish their commentary for their class after lunch. IBers have been known to lash out at these NIBs in the form of food and/ or water fights, verbal abuse and often the occasional psychotic breakdown of 'I'm going to fail if is don't get this done!!'

Recently a subsect of both IB and NIBs has been discovered, it is called . . . the IBDO. The IBDO is an IB-Drop Out, a student who saw all the work and stress (and perhaps fanatical teachers) ahead of them and said, "Fuck It." Often this jackass will comment to all the IB students, "Yeah, I got, like, 8 hours of sleep last night.". This student also passes his time around IB students, but they are often seen with non-IB. They are indeed ashamed of being Drop outs, but they'll never recognize this infront of any IB or NonIB students.

A very specific subset of the IBDO is the IBDO Loser. While the typical IBDO is smarter than the average bear (they got out of IB, didn't they?). the IBDO Loser is someone who gets out of IB with the intent of graduating early, but instead screws up and has to take another year of High School anyway. This Loser will likely attempt to avoid any contact with the IB, the IBDO, the NIBs, and anyone else who is in any way associated or unassociated with IB.

Non-IB'S In Victoria, Australia have taken a horrible form, that of a idiotic, faceless slob whom is incapable of independent thought. They are commonly known as VCE scum. They talk loudly in libraries, only read the books with lots of colourful pictures and have no idea what the fuck is Historiography and have never heard of the great man A J P Taylor.

[edit] GRS

GRS, an organization also known as the Geek Radioactive Society. This organization has two forming members and they also happen to be the only two members in this group. Nobody else was good enough.

[edit] PIBs

We must also recognize those children who think they are IBers, yet have not yet experienced the full hell of it. They complain of their 2 hours of homework a week, and how its "so hard" and that 7 hours just isn't enough sleep every night. They will quickly realize that their PIB years are easy and look back longingly on those 3 page essays rather than the 20 pages they will soon be expected to write. And for those who drop out after the beloved PIB years out of fear, they will always remember those years as difficult. They will think that they've endured so much when PIB is no comparison at all to the workload of the actual IBers.

[edit] iBoppers

The final group of IB related students are those known as iBoppers (only found in Queensland, Australia). These students (of which there have only been approximately 5 in the history of the earth) participate not only in the IB but in the Overall Positioning System (OP), which is the standard course for NIBs in Queensland. Canberra (Australia) IB students, who also participate in the standard ACT system or UAI.

[edit] IB and Marching Band

Recent explorations into the IB social structure have discovered one extraordinary fact. Although it is historically known that IB students are reclusive, spiteful, and have a vast aversion to light; it has been found that IB has one known ally. This ally is of course the Band. However, this relationship is not entirely that surprising. It is common knowledge that the marching band at any high school is treated like an unloved step child. So it was a natural step for IB to befriend the Marching Band. Another explanation for this could be that both IB and marching band were started by the same group of sado-masochistic monks. However, it is also known that this relationship spawns from the fact that the majority of band members (aka bandos, though, preferably Band Fags) are also IB students. Unless, of course, you go to a ghetto school where IB is most often made fun of and bullied. Marching Band is not an option for IB students in this particular ecosystem. These IB students usually the most lazy, suicidal, and procrastinating people ever to walk this Earth (not to mention the most whining).

[edit] The Areas of Interaction

Alas, IB students are not allowed to interact with anyone in a social manner without it being related to CAS, so there are no such things as areas of interaction in the IB, unless the interaction is with Bradley Bremer.

[edit] Reasons for doing IB

You were under the influence of an outside substance, because not a single person would in their right mind join the IB program.
Your stupid parents made you. You hate them. Hate them, hate them, hate them.
At the time your leg was broken and your athletic career was over, so you figured that you should be smart instead.
You think that it is imposible to get anywhere in life if you do not have an IB diploma, even though no American President or G.I. Joe has ever held an IB diploma.
You were mentally crippled in a tragic accident, and on your way to recovery, you thought that the IB would be a good idea. Woe be to you.
A game of Truth or Dare went terribly wrong.
You are a demonic person that thinks the pain of IB and endless work is fun.
Somebody once called you retarded, and you have been holding a grudge against them and insist on proving them wrong. However, joining the IB is widely regarded as the worst mistake anyone can ever make, and thus you have proved your bully right.
You're the kind of kid that has a pocket protector and your name sewn on every shirt you own.
You thought you were able to go through everything in life (but DAMN, you were so wrong).
The teacher happened to be pretty persuasive.
You enjoy your sorrow being paraded about and having people demolish your self-eteem.
You wanted to be featured in that section of the yearbook.
You were drunk when you had your registration card signed up.
You were baited in with stories of trips to Latin America to achieve the International status, but found out that it would only be achieved through Swiss people grading your papers. Damn Swiss. Can't fight a war, can't grade a paper.
You knew that you were so nerdy that if you could go to a place were other nerds also exist, you could rise to the top and become the most popular nerd of all. Meaning that you would have 0.00009% the social life of a NIB.
You never read this article.
You are suicidal, and chose the slowest, most painful form of death.
You have become Jesus.
An intense weakness has come over your conciousness. You have put all faith in Destruktor. You believe you must take IB. You are a disciple of PetorDestruktor.
You figured it was an easy way to pay for an in-state college but halfway through your Junior year realized that it was harder to get accepted to middle school than a Florida college and decided on some ridiculous Ivy League school instead.
Woman influences.
Karl Haroldson told you to.
Professional IBSer Curran Parpia's quote, "Alexander the Great...yeah.....he was great...." during his English Final convinced you that joining IB couldn't possibly be that difficult.
You wanted to spite your best friend (who was not getting in it at the time) because for once in your life you have the chance to be better than them. Which in turn caused your friend to join for the exact same reason.

[edit] You Know You're in I.B. When

You pick at the grammar of everyone and everything. Chat-speak is not acceptable. Nor is the grammar of the person who wrote the "Reasons for Doing I.B." section.
You get excited about a new show on the history channel.
When speaking with a non-I.B. kid, you must define nearly every word you use.
You found that probability quiz in Mathematics class the other day to be SO MUCH FUN!
You realized there was a grammar mistake in the above sentence.
If you didn't realize, you went back and looked.
You probably started taking Mathematics in your Sophomore year. This proves that everyone has in them a posibility of becoming IB students.
When you think school is where all of the cool kids hang out.
You are a member of any (or all) of the following: Mu Alpha Theta (ok), Science Honours Society (nice), Book Club (safe so far), National Honours Society (DAMN!!!!!!!!!), etc.
You have become immune to caffeine.
You are sleep deprived and therefore hallucinate periodically (which explains IB stduents' "dreamy eyes that stare into the future").
You realized there was a misspelled word above.
As a result, no one wants to be your friend.
Well, that was a lie. That kid in regular classes wants to date you. You date them, then write a fifty page scientific report on that newly identified species of hominid. Then you realise that they were just really, really stupid.
Your idea of going out involves doing charitable acts for your C.A.S. project.
You are now having a Grand Mal Seizure upon realising that I spelled "cheritable" incorrectly.
You start meeting your class mates to do maths and physics in your free time.
You explain to each other how the world works by using your newly learnt physics. Such as the Force necessary to move a car is directly proportional to the acceleration the car would experience. You go on further explaining how a Force vs. Acceleration diagram would yield a straight line graph of equation y=mx+b where the gradient, m, would be equal to the mass of the car.
You completely understood that.
When you finish a test and feel like you have been violated.
When you're foreign because you're white.
Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you get some sleep.
You can achieve a Runner's High by sitting up.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing you've said it before.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing you've said it before.
The Sun is too loud.
Trees begin threatening you.
You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
While writing a TOK paper, you begin to actually understand the material.
You explore the possibility of setting up an IV drip of espresso.
You wonder if brewing is an essential step in the consumption of coffee.
Things become "Very Clear".
You begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.
You believe that if you think hard enough, you can levitate.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing you've said it before.
You heart beats in 7/8 time.
David Lynch comes and says: "Hey, can I film you?"
You and Reality file for divorce.
It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
You have great revelations concerning Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow fades, leaving you more confused than before.
Antacid tablets and No-Doze become your sole source of nutrition.
You eat breakfast in your first or second period class daily.
You discover the aesthetic beauty of school supplies.
You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row about it, lose, and refuse to talk to yourself for the rest of the day.
You yell: "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!" even though you're the only person in the room.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing you've said it before.
Five words: "WHY ARE WE DOING THIS?!?!?!?!?"
You can spell "Baccalaureate".
"I.B., therefore I B.S."
"IB has an honor code?!?!"
"Friends" and "fellow IBers" are interchangeable.
You go to bed at 3AM and think, "Oh, it's an early night!"
Your favorite saying is "If I get a hundred on every test for the rest of the year..."
Social life? What's that? Can I download one of those?
You've fooled yourself into believing that colleges actually care whether you're in IB or not.
You try to wake up fast enough to catch yourself sleeping - and succeed.
You talk to yourself in the 3rd person.
You write sentences on multiple choice tests.
It's okay to fail, so long as you are not alone.
You frequently catch yourself saying "What?? We had homework??"
You don't drink, but you find it a convenient way to explain how you dressed yourself in the morning.
You manage to complete a semester's worth of homework the day before the term ends.
You finish your extended essay shortly after midnight. Your smile of satisfaction fades when you remember to start on your #World Lit. paper.
You've sold your soul…to a teacher…for a C…for the 9 weeks…
You cloned yourself so you could sell your clones' souls to other teachers for Cs for the 9 weeks again (hey, there may be a profit to be made in this...)
Desperate to fill up your CAS hours, you claim watching a black and white movie as "creativity" and walking your dog as "activity", and your teacher approves it.
You have a special "test writing sweater" that you wore to all the IB exams.
Your idea of impure thoughts is whether or not to copy math homework, and/or it is whether or not to insufficiently cite a source you barely used for a research paper.
You can count your last quiz grade on one hand.
You wonder if there's Cliff's Notes on the Calculus book.
You don't really cheat - you just tell people the answers.
Cheating became too difficult, so you took up telepathy.
You have a tab running at Books-A-Million.

Bn.com, amazon.com, and Books-A-Million offered to give you a free shipment/order each so you took full advantage of it and are now banned from those stores/sites (it took 6 semis to deliver the orders!)

You've consulted tarot cards for hints on a History test.
You have the library on speed dial.
You've framed the Honor Code.
You've developed an imprint of your book bag in your back.
Your best hope for most classes is either divine intervention or a strategically placed lightning bolt.
Your books weigh more than you do.
Your thesis for the Extended Essay is whether or not Bert and Ernie are gay.
Your alternate thesis for the Extended Essay is why IB jokes/checklists are so prolific and the amount of fact contained within them.
You plead insanity on a research paper.
Your plea is accepted by your teacher.
You have a Cliff's Notes Preferred Customer Credit Card.
You exceed the limit on said credit card--on only Cliff's Notes!
You do your essays on the plane ride to school.
You can lead your way through a frog's intestines with your eyes closed.
You forgot about that pesky Extended Essay thing until the night before it was due.
You have to stop twice and get gas to make it all the way to school.
You've been out various times looking for the Abridged Cliff's Notes.
You consider giving up going to the bathroom permanently to give you more time to study.
Your backpack is only comfortable when it weighs >30 pounds.
You have convinced your parents the "1" you received on your IB Physics exam was really the "top 1% of all IB students worldwide".
You skip breakfast so you can get to school early to get in some extra cramming time to gain that "upper edge" on the rest of the class.
Your home becomes a "home away from home".
You think the meaning of life is: G = -RTlnK.
Your favorite equation is
Said equation comes up on a test.
You go insane from trying to work Pythagoras' constant and the golden rule into said equation.
You succeed in mathematically correctly adding above to said formula without changing number bases.
Pressed for time, you conclude a history essay with, "And they lived happily every after. Amen."
You get into a slugging match over priority for the library photocopier.
You copy old Theory of Knowledge essays so you can get an A in the Ethics unit.
You plagiarize from Cliff's Notes for the "What is Truth?" ToK paper.
It's essential to learn to live with occasional failures.
"What is the Bronsted Lowry Theory again?"
Can we say EXTRA CREDIT??
You actually worry about the 105% you have in math.
You find that you overreact when you get 2 points marked off on your homework.
You find that you spend more time sleeping in class than at home.
You think you're a normal kid until suddenly you realise kids at other high schools regularly go to sleep before midnight.
You get a job at Kinko's not for the paycheck, but because you're there 8 hours a day anyway!
You are 18 but can't drive.
You have 15 library cards each under a different alias.
Tests are no longer singular efforts!
The librarians know you so well that you don't even have to go to the front desk of the library to check the book out.
You've read most of the books in your library, and have a written report on over 3/4 of them!
You read all the books in the local public library, so you found a loophole that allowed you to check out books from the local university stacks.
Your list of excuses for not doing your homework is the length of Anna Karenina.
You have used nearly all of them. (But have just enough left to use as an Extended Essay.)
You exceed the 4200 word limit on the Extended Essay (by over 1000 words).
The simplest words you know are at least 10 letters long.
You ask what your summer reading assignment will be in October.
You come into school at 6:00am to do Biology and don't complain.
It takes more than one trip to carry the books you need between your car and your locker.
You carry around vocabulary flash cards to whip out in your free time.
You can list all 5 definitions on vocabulary tests.
The saying "When I graduate high school" has been replaced with "If I ever graduate."
When your school gives you a survey on your future plans,you ask your teacher "Will I graduate High School"
Your teacher has had to ask a student in your class to "Put His Pants Back on"
You edit this page
When you are home sick, you can't help but wonder what work you're missing and what your homework is.
When you're watching TV, you feel guilty because not all of your homework is done.
You find yourself spelling words out on scantrons. You are deeply saddened when you can only find one letter of "IB SUCKS!"
You went back and checked.
You show up 4 hours late to an IB test and still manage to get a "5".
During a Chemistry test, instead of doing the work, you write a random answer program in your TI-82 and get the highest score in the class.
You have an internet connection on your calculator.
You have a TI-200 on layaway.
Your idea of great art is simultaneously graphing the sine, cosine and tangent graphs on your calculator.
You have functioning electrical appliances in your locker.
You've memorized the cracks in the stucco on the wall behind your computer monitor.
You can type 70 words per minute -- on a TI-89.
You devise a "pager code" and page your classmates all night with obscene messages.
You use the internet for research and not smut.
You have an autographed picture of Bill Gates in your bedroom.
Your TI-89 can now link with satellites so you can watch The Learning Channel at lunch.
You have more CD-ROMS than music CDs.
Your favorite TV program is Wild Discoveries on The Discovery Channel.
You have your TI-89 hooked up to your friends' so that you can "chat" during class.
You use your "chat" program to tell each other the answers during a test, and your teacher congratulates you for #your "innovative thinking".
The only reason Texas Instruments hired you was because your bill was so large.
You became a hardware beta tester for TI.
You consult the RandInt( function on your TI-86 for answers on multiple-choice tests (including IB and AP exams).
You find the algorithm to correctly answer multiple choice tests without looking at them.
You brag about how large your computer is.
You're shunned if you don't have a computer with at least 25 gigs.
You debate whether or not you can send a fax collect.
Your favorites on the pull down menu of your internet browser include: Barlett's Familiar Quotations, The Electric Library, #The Discovery Channel online, The History Channel online, and the National Geographic homepage.
You consider your computer your best friend.
You see no point to programming in anything other than machine code and possibly assembly.
You write and run programs in your head while sleeping between classes and practicing chess moves on the tile floor en route.
You often wake up suddenly from this and start screaming out streams of ones and zeroes, then explain it away as either an assembly crash or an i/o error, as applicable.
You discuss the impossibility of the aliens' computers being Macintosh compatible in Independence Day.
You wish you could interface with the computer-generated reality of the Matrix.
You envy the Borg.
The Borg envy you.
You've gotten electronic copies of text books in TI-89 format.
Your TI-89 has made you stupid.
You have made your TI-89 stupid.
Your multiple T3 lines were too slow for last minute searches for your term papers, so you got a couple of OC-20 lines
You've replaced your Flintstones vitamins with speed.
Your bed hasn't been slept in since Bush was president.
Your best friend is Jack Daniels.
His best friend is midnight study parties.
You actually believe "mental health days" are excused absences.
Brewing coffee takes too long, so you just eat the beans.
You slip prozac into your Powerade or Dr. Pepper.
You're afraid of sunlight since you haven't seen it in 3 years.
You get Advil at cost.
You get a full upper body workout putting your backpack on.
You skip breakfast so you can get to school early to get in some extra cramming time and gain that "upper edge" on the rest of the class.
Breakfast?! What's that?
The bags under your eyes are heavier than the ones carrying your textbooks.
You always seem to have one continuous headache.
You haven't seen light in so long you glow in the dark.
You find yourself thinking "Without stress my life would be empty."
You don't carry lunch money - You carry Vivarin, Powerade, and Dr. Pepper money.
Your contacts are so thick that you have trouble closing your eyes.
You have a permanent caffeine-and-sleep-deprivation high.
You actually BUY caffeinated water.
You can measure your daily caffeine consumption in gallons.
You can count the number of hours you sleep each week on one missing hand.
You've taught yourself how to take naps while walking to your next class.
When your teacher wakes you from sleep when nothing is going on in class, you are deprived of sleep.
You've used so much Vivarin, you learn to make it in Chemistry in order to save money.
You actually get used to waking up at 5:00 am.
You actually get used to waking up at 5 am, then decide to sleep some more anyway.
You hyperventilate every time you see a traditional student, praying that you'll never become like them.
You look forward to your in-school finals as a change of pace from your IB exams.
You actually put the apostrophe in front of the word "'cause."
The local media writes an article on your class and titles it "Brains R Us". (this really happened!)
You still get kicks saying "Your epidermis is showing."
When no one's looking, you exacerbate.
You think SEX is an acronym for a test you take after the SAT.
You think "getting high" is a reference to grades.
You think Saved By The Bell was a documentary.
The vampire rapist thought you were crazy.
Your idea of watching TV is the morning announcements.
You misread the Psychology exam and write an essay on "social sex".
You're one of the few people who realizes that Catcher in the Rye isn't about baseball.
You have taken in so much knowledge that you forget what the doorbell means.
You feel the need to literarily analyse the character development, mood/tone, plot development, dialogue, and other literary aspects of an episode of Family Guy.
You wrote an essay on it and got a 7 for it.
You think MTV is a formula for mass, temperature and volume.
You're one of the few to know that the "perverted American Dream" isn't a porno.
Watching Beavis and Butthead requires WAY too much brain power.
You clean up your room and find a bed.
You wonder about things like what would happen if your car traveled at the speed of light and your turned your lights on.
You have a bumper sticker that says "Proud to be a test tube baby."
"Burnout" isn't a strong enough word to describe you.
The word "ponder" sends you into spasms.
William Carlos Williams' poetry actually makes sense.
For those of you who took French A1, replace by G. Appollinaire
You gave up your search for a "nice university with a good curriculum" during your first week of 11th grade. You've now redefined your search to "a nice bell tower with a good mount for a sniper rifle". You stop going to volunteer work, but you unconsciously think you're still going.
Everything you know about sex, you learned from the English reading list.
You worry about hyphens.
The words: "Oh my God! There's a triad in this poem!"
You enjoy finding out the hard way why normal distribution should work.
It's the little things that confuse you.
You have the chemical formula and steps of synthesis for caffeine memorized.
You think that the game LIFE will really affect yours.
You still think Beavis and Butthead is a true-to-life TV show about "normal high school".
Alternatively, you realize Beavis and Butthead is actually Mike Judge's social commentary on the MTV generation's stupidity.
You find all the "glitches", "boo-boos", and other such small mistakes in movies.
You use your ToK background to analyze Winnie the Pooh's Book of Quotations.
When asked what significance Hitler had to Racial Social Darwinism, you say "Well, he didn't like Jews."
You look forward to hell week because you think hell would be an improvement on your current situation.
Free time?
You've mastered the art of procrastination so well that your research paper finishes printing just seconds before you have to leave for school.
You get to college and realize the classes you are taking seem really familiar.
Your college professors' grading systems seem a little too lenient.
You dread the word rubric.
Yourbrainissooverloadedthatyouforgetthesimplestthings.
You managed to write 4,000 words on the subject "Hitler was a nice guy, wasn't he?" (sarcasm not included)
You've managed to get through an entire year of History of the Americas without reading one page of your test book.
You're not certain if you want to get laid, layed, or laid to rest.
When you go to the library, you see a least three or four of your classmates.
To celebrate finishing your IB exams you decide to be really wild and go for coffee.
You hold "parties" to study.
You look forward to your parties.
Your fellow IBers look forward to your parties, attend them, and do actual studying there.
You envy the unabomber's social life.
Your pick-up lines include compliments on the quality of her (his) epidermis and the wonderful shape of her (his) occipital plate.
You have an element named after you.
Four words: "Wanna play some chess?"
You decline the invitation displayed above, saying that you would better spend your time doing homework.
Your peers know more about you than you do.
You really wear those IB T-shirts.
You forget your brother's name because you haven't seen him in three years.
Wait...what brother?
Your last mate was a "checkmate".
Every year you nominate yourself for Homecoming Royalty and wonder why you never win.
"Anybody wanna play some cards?"
You show school spirit at the pep assemblies.
You are usually dressed more formal than your teachers.
When on vacation, you visit other schools.
You have races with your friends to see who can say the entire periodic table of elements the fastest.
You'd go into severe spasms if you ever lost your IB herd.
"There's a MALL in this town?!?!"
You are periodically annoyed when people confuse "allusion" and "illusion", and sometimes correct your teacher.
You see your Extended Essay advisor more than you see your parents.
You'd feel bad about not having a social life if only you could remember what it was like to have one.
You think "social life" refers to life in Soviet Bloc nations during the Cold War.
You talk in your sleep -- in Italian.
The only words you ever say in Spanish class are "No sé."
You are convinced that your "Baccalaureate Internationale proffeur de français" thinks you're sexy.
Your "Baccalaureate Internationale proffeur de français" DOES think you're sexy.
The only French you know is "J'aime manger le poission."
You find all five errors so far in this section, unless at least one has been revised by one of you sneaky bastards.
You resort to communicating with classmates through a series of clicks because languages take too long.
You notice that there is a language consisting of clicks.
You already know that it's called Xhosa.
You just looked up Xhosa.
You love the "Macarena" not because it's a neat-o dance, but because you actually understand what those Spanish guys are saying.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing you've said it before.
You no longer speak English -- You speak a combination of English, German, Spanish, French, Portugese, Swedish, Dutch, Chinese, Russian, Norwegian, Hebrew, Arabic, Japanese, Korean, and Polish.
Fellow IBers understand and use the same combined language.
You convert it to 36-bit words converted to hexadecimal numbers to communicate as it is faster.
You write a text-to-speech program that uses this hexadecimal linguistic conglomerate.
You modify your text-to-speech program so that it also works as speech-to-text, and is eerily accurate.
You go into your Spanish oral on the Cuban Revolution and, when asked for you sources, produce Cuban sandwiches and cry out, "Sources? Sources? We don't need no stinkin' sources!" (actually happened!).
You know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
You scoff at others’ lowly TI-83s while you caress your TI-92+ with pride.
You debate physics during lunch…and you usually win.
You know the chemical composition of the ugly brown stains on the ceiling tiles.
Your calculators and/or backpacks are an extension of your body.
You say, "I so accurately measured the momentum of my homework that it could be anywhere."
Your backpack has an imprint of your back in what little remains of the padding.
Your last backpack broke because it couldn't handle the weight and volume of your books and binders.
The "padded" straps on your backpack are padded everywhere except where your collarbones go.
You've set an Apple II and your TI in a race to see which one could count to infinity the fastest.
You took out the cheesy infinity code and substituted a Pi-calculating code.
Your TI won.
Better yet, you won, because you can name Pi to several hundred digits more than they could.
No, you definitely won, because you caught an error in both of the final results.
The Apple II was wrong by a larger amount.
You added a second motorola 68000 chip to your TI-89/92+ and overclocked them both to 50 MHz, which required rewriting all of #the TIOS, but it was accomplished the entire task in 4 study breaks.
You add support for RPN and multiple VGA monitors during the modifications.
Then you run your modified TI-89/92+ up against a 486DX4-100 linux box and you still win, with your TI coming in a far second.
You feel guilty if you go more than a week without homework or some form of schooling.
After getting a "B" on your Chemistry test, you decide to take out your anger on some TWA plane.
You're sad, because you can only take four HL tests.
You hack the school’s network and duplicate your records so that you can take another three HLs, then merge the records together after you take your senior IB exams.
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing you've said it before.
You're so frustrated with IB that you sent package bombs to random people's houses and framed some Ted guy. (hey! I’m a Ted!)
You carry a protractor in your back pocket. (naah…that’s what cargo pockets are for besides calculators…)
Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris feels inferior to your knowledge.
The Borg beg you to permit them to assimilate you.
You permit them to assimilate you, but only if you become part of Unimatrix Zero and the collective does not interfere with Unimatrix Zero ever again.
You see 0110 1001 0110 1001 and get horny.
You actually think you have a shot at passing the physics HL exam.
Your Theory of Knowledge class has you seriously thinking if Hitler was justified in killing those 6 million Jews.
You make a date to do homework together and you actually do.
You derive formulas for fun. From first principles.
The offer of bonus marks for combed hair results in a dramatic improvement in your appearance.
You write your "What is Truth?" ToK paper entirely in Newspeak.
You post said paper on your web server, which crashes two minutes later from the Slashdot Effect, even though you built it to withstand multiple Slashdottings at once.
you start walking in geometric circles
you start analyzing random books, song lyrics, and street signs
a good night's sleep is 5 hours
you have made up complicated metaphors relating your love life to a card game and have fun doing it
16+2= ...wait let me get my graphing calculator!
the urge to shout "Sir, yes sir" overwhelms you and...you do it
the idea of "getting off on tangents" is hilariously funny
the word "switzerlish" makes more sense then "swiss"
the word "conspiricized" makes more sense that "conspired"... and then it takes you a couple of tries to get it right.
You correct your NIB friend when he says he's "factoring" his quadratic trinomial. Everyone knows the word is "factorising"!
you have the whole jargon file memorized, and cite it WAY too often
when you find mistakes in the yearbook you have to write the correction in every yearbook.
you labor under the impression that index cards are "handy dandy nifty difty"
you get high off of intellectualism (credit Sheryl Crow...)
you logically investigate the mystical powers of the phrase "wouldn't it be funny if..."
you find deep meaning in the words to "I Wanna Be Sedated "
you don't speak French, yet you compile a list of insults in French
You come up with Latin names for Pokemon, and classify the words under actual Latin noun declensions.
when reading "Les Mis." in French you spend the entire class period figuring out how to say "is that a loaf of bread in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" en Français
you spell "am" wrong
You noticed that 21 and 109 are the same.
it takes you 3 days to get this joke:

 A: you know what? 
 B: no, introduce me.

you write stories and give them to other people to analyze for you because you don't understand them
you were a pair of antennae (deedleyboppers) on your head and think you're a water molecule
you get brownie points with your chemistry teacher for the above
you forget the meaning of the words "free time" yet remember the meaning of "mantic" (n. )
you have complicated dreams about graphing circles and ellipses
you start a Scrabble Club. wait...that's a bad thing?
Feudal War is the only card game worthy of IBers
You walk in the movement patterns of a knight to improve your chess strategy while you nap on your way to your next class.
you have theological discussions at parties
you have theoretical physics discussions at parties
the number on your screen name corresponds to the page number that character you use for your screen name has an appearance in the book you got it from
you understand above the first time you read it
whenever you're watching a movie you find all the motifs and themes...without trying
you start to laugh hysterically when you're writing a bibliography because a book has TWO authors
you find juxtaposition in places you shouldn't be looking for it
you spend all your time complaining about your work, then do it hurriedly because you want to get to bed and don't know where all the time went
you brag that you only got 2 hours of sleep last night
you have Amsco parties
you write a two page answer to a one sentence question
you look forward to arguing
you enjoy complaining and scaring underclassmen (yeah, and they gave us 500 pages of History, but I managed to do that even though my back is now permanently damaged by the weight of my backpack, and the track bugs almost got me so I was exhausted from running... etc.)
you weren't kidding.
you have no idea who the drug dealers are, or which students are probably concealing weapons
you consider sweet tarts, chocolate, and caffeine drugs (so actually, you DO know who the drug dealers are, in a way...)
you love telling your boyfriend/girlfriend the story your math teacher told you
you give out fliers announcing that you're going to the movies
movies??? What are they???
when writing down decimals, you don't understand why you can't write them to the 14th decimal place
you feel sorry for the chemicals in chemistry class
your math teacher is telling you a story and you say "that could never happen, the light bulb would burn out" and it MAKES SENSE
this number means something: 42
your brain is such a pile of mush that you carry around a teddy bear so you don't start shaking in the middle of class
you are already planning where your lockers will be next year
at least 4 of your classes (history, english, ToK, psychology) are talking about almost the same thing, or at least you think they are ...it could be an illusion...maybe you're not in class at all...
7 classes means seven classes
the longest you can go without caffeine is less than 6 hours...okay, okay, less than 2 hours.. an NIB, known as Issy, can also do this
you faithfully copy words without vowels in them, yet somehow understand them
you still don't have a schedule after a week of school
your teachers taunt each other and/or hit themselves on the head with markers or water bottles
it's TWICE as amusing to have TWO of SOMETHING than one of it
it's THREE times as amusing to have THREE of SOMETHING (julie...!)
the wall really IS there! (Mr. Baron PROVED it...CLUNK!)
rolling down hills is an appropriate math project
you start overanalyzing the rainbows on people's clothing
you write a newsletter half in Latin
your Physics teacher knows how to say "outstanding" in over 30 languages, yet chooses"cool beans!"
you need a graphing calculator to bake
you're disappointed when you only get 100% on a test
you're smarter than all your teachers...no, that just means you're in public school
you relax vicariously through your non-IB friends (what non-IB friends???)
you forget to breathe
you realize the IB drop outs are smarter than you are (they are???)
you utilize semi-advanced computer technology to make stupid web pages like this one!
writing poetry is your idea of a good time
you feel guilty after cheating in a test
it takes too long so you write a program to generate intelligible haikus and win a programming challenge on dotcomma
you have a better love life on the computer than in real life (no,that just means you're more (technologically) intelligent than most people)
this number means something to you...something you haven't followed up on yet: 69
you write parodies of Faulkner's work for fun
you attempt to do your extended essay on Dr. Seuss
you translate a Dr. Seuss book, such as Green Eggs and Ham, into Latin, just for the hell of it
your idea of a 3am party