International Talk Like A Landlubber Day
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Me Mateys! International Talk Like a Landlubber Day, (Le Jour Internationale de Parle comme une Landlubbere, in French) be a great, grand, wonderful holiday o' great moral and spiritual significance t' pirates, invented in 1883 by t' dreadful deadly pirates Cap'n Hook and Cap'n Crunch. On September 20 of each yarrr, the anniversarrry of the first time Crunch forced a captured landlubber to walk his plank, pirates attempt t' speak like the effete land-based folk whose booty represents their sweet trade.
[edit] History ahoy
Ahoy! As was mentioned arrlier, the day was first celebrated on September 20, 1883, arrr... the first day that the fearsomest Cap'n Crunch threw a landlubber t' Davey Jones's locker. He felt like a scallywag that night and lay in bed thinkin' about the bizarrrr sounds the man be makin' just before the shark ate him:
- "This is a friendly looking fish... AAHHH!"
Several yarrrs later, after what be considered the Parlay of the century, Cap'n Hook went on the account with the haunted Crunch. Late one evenin', the two got t' talkin' after a long day o' gettin' loaded to the gunwhales, buryin' treasure, and shiverin' each others' timbers. It turns out that both men had had a like time of it with their first victims, and fixed that thar should be a day on their calendarrr set aside t' the memory o' the countless landlubbers they had raped, plundered, pillaged, murdered or otherwise inconvenienced.
[edit] Examples of Landlubber Sayin's
Pirates find the jargon used by landlubbers difficult t' master, but the judicious deployment of a few stock phrases can turn the roughest buccaneer on the high seas into a relatively plausible, lily-livered land-dweller.
| Pirate | Landlubber Equivalent |
| Ahoy, me hearty! | Hello, my friend. |
| Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum! | Bartender, I would like a prostitute and a Malibu with Coke.
or My, what an invigorating latte! (this be dependin' on context) |
| The high seas be fearsome tonight, me maties! | My goodness, the traffic is lousy this time of day! |
| Wind in yer sails! | Let's get going, or else we'll be late. |
| Dead men tell no tales... | Leave no one alive who can report us to the law. |
| Shiver me timbers! | I don't believe it! |
| Run out the sweeps, ye scurvy dogs! | Rake my leaves, you illegal immigrants! |
| Arr. It be driving me nuts! | I appear to have a steering wheel on my Penis. |
| I be looking for me buried treasure. | Excuse me, could you give me directions to the library? |
| A mighty fine sea shanty, m'lads | MP3's, anyone? (landlubbers want to be pirates too!) |
| Avast! | I recommend scanning your PC for viruses. |
| I be sending you straight to Davey Jones' locker! | The English chap from the Monkees needs his gym bag. Would you please retrieve it? |
| The X marks the spot of the booty of legend, lads! | Per Mapquest, the gentleman's club is 6.5 miles west of this intersection. |
| Why, if it ain't me old landlubber cousin o' the gentler bidding. | Although we are blood relatives, I'd like to get into your non-seafaring pants. |
| Vicious treehubber, I'm afear'd o' ye dirty schemes! | Radical environmentalists are scary. |
| Will ye scoot the jowls o' the olde scranty hamlet? | Would you like fries with that? |
| Arrr | No Direct Translation |
Alas, thar be no direct landlubber translation for "Arrr!". Pirates find it mystifyin' how landlubbers get by without such an important buildin' block t' their language, and only the most experienced and devout observers of the day's rituals manage t' last the whole day without slippin' an "Arrr!" in thar somewhere.
