Interview With the Vampire

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Currently this article appears to have few or no pictures and is hence a candidate for receiving some pictures. If possible, please add some pictures to make it into a full encyclopedia article and then remove this message. Do not remove this notice until it receives some pictures. Failure to comply may result in this template being added again.

On an ABC News special which aired October 31, 2003, television presenter Barbara Walters interviewed an actual vampire. It was a first for an American television audience, and a first for vampires, who typically shun publicity. The interview, with a 200-year-old vampire named Louis, was remarkable for the depth of emotion and even compassion it evoked for creatures that had previously been viewed with revulsion and horror.

Following is part of the actual transcript of the interview.

[EXCERPT]

BW: Good evening wadies and gentewmen. We awe hewe this Hawoween evening with a man who has asked that we wefew to him simpwy as ‘Wouis.’ He cwaims to have a vewy unusuaw occupation, and he has agweed to be our guest tonight to tew us about it.

LOU: Yes, thank you.

BW: So, what do you do?

LOU: I’m a vampire.

BW: Hmm… that’s something I’ve never heawd befowe. You mean this witewawy, I take it?

LOU: Absolutely. I was waiting for you in this studio. Watching you watching me. And then you began to speak.

BW: You said you wewe waiting fow me. What wewe you going to do? Kiw me? Dwink my bwood, that stuff?

LOU: Yes, but not now. You needn’t worry.

BW: That’s hawdly weassuwing. You weally bewieve that you are a vampiwe?

LOU: I am.

BW: You dwink bwood?

LOU: To survive, yes.

BW: Human bwood? Did you ever dwink anything else?

LOU: Rats.

BW: Wats?

LOU: It was a long, long time ago, before you were born, and I wouldn’t recommend it.

BW: (shudders) I’m suwe some of our viewers are having a simiwaw weaction as I to what you’ve just said. I think it is a bit distuwbing to us. Tew me, how do you see youwsewf?

LOU: How do you find us? Beautiful? Magical? Our white skin, our fierce eyes…

BW: But you dwink…

LOU: Drink, you ask me. Do you have any idea of the thing that I’ve become? The dark gift is different for each of us. Blood, I have found, is a necessity.

BW: You don’t think it’s eviw to dwink human bwood, then?

LOU: An old friend of mine used to say ‘evil is a point of view. God kills indiscriminately, and so shall we. For no creatures under God are as we are, none so like Him as ourselves.’

BW: And you bewieve that?

LOU: I suppose I do, yes.

BW: So, then, how is it that you became, wew, what you awe?

LOU: A vampire? Do you want me to tell you my life story? You haven’t the vaguest conception of what you ask.

BW: Wew, at weast tew us the pawt about becoming a vampiwe.

LOU: 1791 was the year it happened. I was 24, younger than you are now. But times were different then, I was a man at that age: master of a large plantation just south of New Orleans. I had lost my wife in childbirth, and she and the infant had been buried less than half a year. I would have been happy to join them. I couldn’t bear the pain of their loss. I longed to be released from it. I wanted to lose it all… my wealth, my estate, my sanity. My invitation was open to anyone. To the whore at my side. To the pimp that followed. But it was a vampire that accepted it.

BW: So it is twue then, that you must be bitten by a vampiwe to become one?

LOU: Yes. I was bitten by a vampire, named Lestat. He drained my blood to the point of death, and had he left me like that, I would have died. But there was more. That morning…

BW: The mowning aftew you wewe bitten?

LOU: Yes, that morning I was not yet a vampire, and I saw my last sunrise. I remember it completely, and yet I can’t recall any sunrise before it. I watched its whole magnificence for the last time, as if it were the first. And then I said farewell to sunlight, and set out to become what I became.

BW: Fawewew to sunwight? Do you mean that you can onwy go out at night, now?

LOU: It’s true. I go on, night, ever night. I feed on those who cross my path. I’m a spirit of preternatural flesh. Detached. Unchangeable. Empty.

[END EXCERPT]

Walters was also able to obtain from Louis some startling revelations about the world of vampires, as in this exchange:

BW: What about Dwacuwa, the vampiwes in Twansywvania, tuwning into a bat?

LOU: Fictions, Barbara. The vulgar fictions of a demented Irishman.

BW: Awe aww vampiwes wike you, then, twying to bwend in to modewn society?

LOU: More or less. Some do it better than others. Some don’t even try. Others, well, let’s just say there are vampires in all walks of life.

BW: Fow exampwe?

LOU: Larry King.

BW: Weally? (Laughs). (pause) No, weally?

LOU: Really.

BW: Anyone elwse I have heawd of?

LOU: I’m not allowed to reveal the names of most vampires, but there are some you’ve already guessed.

BW: Wew, the guy I’m thinking of has a pawe, white compwexion and is awways hiding out in some secwet wocation.

LOU: (Nods and smiles)

BW: Dick Cheney?

LOU: Big time.

BW: Who ewse?

LOU: Bill Gates.

BW: You’we kidding!

LOU: Come on! You had to know. He’s the biggest bloodsucker that ever lived!

[END EXCERPT]

Although Barbara Walters went on to interview many other interesting and frightening subjects, including George W. Bush and King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia, she was never able to evoke quite the sense of pathos and grudging sympathy as with Louis. Not even Barbara Walters’ trademark stupid question was enough to mar the interview.

[EXCERPT]

BW: If you wewe a twee, what kind of twee would you be?

LOU: What the fuck kind of question is that? I’m flesh and blood… but not human. I haven’t been human for two hundred years.

[END EXCERPT]