Inverness
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“Destroy The City. Kill The Men. Enslave The Children. Slaughter The Old....And Send The Womenfolk To Me!!!”
~ Emperor Louie Shaw of the Elgin Star Dominion on Inverness, shortly beforre his invasion of it
“Why is it everyone I met here yesterday has gone and killed themselves today?”
~ Czech tourist on Inverness
“I turned the christmas lights on one year”
~ Chris Moyles on Inverness
“The Howden End will never die!!!!!! ”
~ Oscar Wilde on on his beloved pub team
Inverness, (or Toll a Chaic Inbhir Nis in Scots gaelic) is located within the Highlands of northern Scotland and is the largest tourist information centre in the world, so important that her Madgeness passed through it once on her way to Skibo Castle.
Governed by local he-bitch Wizard Hand-Bag Man, or "Jimmy" to his closest friends, and his board of Eastgate Shopping Centre Security Guards (who regularly execute local adolescants for serious crimes such as smiling, laughing and breathing), Inverness was granted city status by Jimmy Savile in 2000 following the opening of McDonalds in the town centre, stripping Fort William of it's prestigious 'Only McDonalds in the Highlands' title. However, with just over 50,000 people living here (5% Scots, (None of which are from Inverness, nearly all are weegies that have been banished form Weegieland Glasgow for own safety due lack of skills with the knife), 44% English, 36% Poles and the rest a mish-mash of something else), it's not so much a city and really just a town in denial (so Mrs Queen, you were wrong), just like nearby Elgin City. It is also known as 'Capital of the Highlands' but should really be called the 'Capital of Poland' or New Warsaw.
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[edit] Geography
The town of Inverness lies at the mouth of a large river called the 'River Inver' which flows into the Murray Firth, a large inlet of water where dolphins laugh, swim and play before getting caught and chopped up into lots of little pieces at a place nearby called Dingwall. People from Inverness don't really like Dingwallians but were forced to kiss and make up when the Scottish Executive forced them to 'build bridges' between the two towns. The engineers took this literally however and actally built a big bridge called the Kessock Bridge which is just ridiculous really as all you have to do to get there is drive 10 mins over to Beauly and back again - wasted money that could have been spent on methadone clinics in Glasgow or anywhere else in the Central Belt.
There are many no go areas in the Inverness but paticulary Merkinch or the Ferry as it is fondly known. The Ferry is home to the largest Ned population north of Glasgow. Walking from one side to the other is highly risky and if you are lucky you will be mugged. If you are unlucky chances are you will be raped or stabbed. If you should attempt this journey wearing anything other than Ned clothing you are most likely to be stabbed, raped, mugged and neutered before you even have a chance to scream. In fact the inhabitants of the Ferry are trained from birth to track outsiders so they can shoot, stab, mug, rape and neutor them whilst smoking three fags and drinking a bottle of Buckfast Tonic Wine. The only way into the Ferry from the city centre is over "The Black Bridge" (yes that is its real name, I swear!) then under the railway bridge. If you are on the run from the police then this is your best chance of escape, even the police dare not challenge the people of the Ferry, but a life sentence in prison is a thousand times better than what you will face across that bridge. Merkinch is the "gentler" side of the Ferry. The residents there tend to be more aggressive but full of hollow threats. Local resident, Jonathon Liddell, local celebrity and all round nice guy, claims a young boy once shouted from a window as he walked past "Hey you, where's the fancy dress party?" followed by a series of insults. Jonathon was relieved when the boys mother grabbed him by his undies and hung him upside down by his tool.
It has been recently announced that a luxury tower block development is to go ahead down the Ferry in attempt to regenerate the area like has been done in the waterside areas of Glasgow and Leith the worst thing is this is actually true???!!!
[edit] History & Culture
The the River Inver flows into a big Loch (that's a lake in case English people are reading this) called Loch Ness. A couple of people from Inverness claim to have seen a monster known as the Loch Ness Monster or Liz and have made a lot of money out of it. This sparked the huge international interest in bits of floating driftwood that pop up in the water from time to time and led to the area becoming a tourist trap. The Scottish Executive claims that this is a secret ploy for Americans to take over Scotland but George Bush denies the allegations.
The local Morrisons supermarket (formerly Safeways until the English bought them out as they do with everything in Inverness) has the lowest customer to local ratio in the whole of the United Kingdom but still find the need to have two in the town centre - one for tourists and the other one for tourists that want their heads kicked in by the locals.
Nowadays, unless you work in the Eastgate Shopping Centre (or Morrisons), then you run a Bed and Breakfast or work offshore from Aberdeen. Nobody from Inverness lives in Inverness and at the weekends the town is invaded by English tourists wearing Crampons (even in July) and people from Sutherland and Caithness who come here for a shopping adventure just to get out the house. Inverness is described as "the Mainland" by many of the 70 inhabitants of Na h-Eileanan siar and during Christmas, many escape here to buy useless objects, including "Moving Picture Boxes" (Commonly known as the TV), "Metal Horses" (commonly known as the bicycle) and "Sex Wool" (commonly known as the sheep).
The poet Robert Burns spent a day here wearing a rather dazzling handkerchief, I really can't exaggerate what a splendid handkerchief it was.
Fat Boy Slim also came to help sedate the evil Loch Ness Liz, this is now an annual tradition known as Rockness, this years acts include the Vatersay Boys, who are currently in the running for Presidents of the known universe and are famous for playing in front of thirty people at last years Belladrum festival.
[edit] Exports
- Loch Ness Memorabilia (mainly green cuddly toys)
- Disgruntled tourists that moan about the weather
- Processed dolphin meat
- Depression in a Jar
- Ivan Rodgers(The Ron Jeremy of Sneck)
- Courses on how to throw Swinger Parties
- Loch Ness Liz
- Kim the Busker
- Tich McCooey
- Moray Firth Radio (after all the Invernessian's don't listen to it!)
- Porn
- Jewish Children (Muhahahahahaha)
- Me (I Sell My Body)
- Corpses
[edit] Transport
In a bid to prevent people from leaving, and in order to reclaim the title of “fastest growing city in the world” from Dingwall, the council are slowly making all streets one-way, leading into the city^^^^ town^^^^ village centre. At the same time, they are laying cobbles in preparation for that much hyped means of transportation, the horse and carriage!
Inverness now boasts an airport, much to the delight of local citizens. Highland Council (a clever synonym for Hand-Bag and the Security Guards, coined by regional spin doctor and beloved alcoholic, Charles Kennedy) and HIAL claim it is an official airport when in reality, it is really simpy a single runway. This is because to be an airport, aeroplanes have to either land or take off from it which causes HIAL Inverness a bit of trouble since nothing ever does or ever will land or take off( just to explain how shit the air port is, Barra Airport - which is on a beach, has three runways). This is mainly due to the combination of permanent heavy rainfall that floods the runway, permanent gale force winds that simply blow the planes away and nearby mountains that tourists just fall in love with until their plane crashes into them. There is also several railway lines leading out of Inverness. There is one that goes north and the one that goes south. The southbound line is known as "The Highland Mainline", however, the Highland Mainline is single track until Dalwhinnine, where the drivers and conductors swap over, two go in to the distillery and two come out (This is not an official swap over, according to First Scotrail), to the Highland drivers, this is colloquially known as "The Pishing Point"
Other than this, one road called the A9 links Inverness with the rest of the world and is the deadliest road in the world, mainly because of cars being eaten by pleisiosaurs. Often cars will drive fast to get away from these carnivorous beasts and crash into oncoming vehicles, although Northern Constabulary will always blame it in on drink driving often cars speeding to freedom will be stopped by the pleisiosaur's evil henchmen; The Northern Constabulary meaning they will either be devoured, face a fifty pound fine, bribe them with sexual favours or sing them a Vatersay Boys song.
[edit] Religion
Once upon a time there were no Tescos in Inverness. A loooooonnng time ago. At that time most Invernessians belonged to the Free Presbyterian Church (Presbyterianism: "The fear that someone, somewhere, somehow - is having fun) . Yet one sight of a trolley and they were off, dashing through the aisles into many different denominations, such as the Young, the Inshes, and the buddha of all, EASTFIELD (retail park to all you people from Nairn). Then, with people feeling free, a nudist beach was set up on the site of the old dump, and a huge influx of 'poles' meant that they could easily provide all the goal posts that Inverness CT could need (as well as their staple diet of lost seagulls at the gutters). Now Catholicismm has taken gains. (What next for the Vatican of the north? Has anyone heard of the economic boom in Indian and their strange resemblance in accent to those fine fellows from Scorguie?)
[edit] Sport
Inverness Caley Thistle football team famously knocked Celtic out of the Scottish Cup twice. You can't escape the yawn-tastic headline from The Sun which gets repeated ad-nauseum 'Super Caley Go Balistic, Celtic Are Atrocious' (at least 6 times each season). This team now plays in the Scottish Premier league which is a notable achievement seeing that Caley were still playing fellow Invernessians Clachnacuddin in the Highland League eleven years ago. However it must be said that the Clach boys are (on average) 50db louder than the tumbleweed whispers at the Caledonian Stadium when they collect their giros. Neighbours Ross County were recently banished to the dark regions of the Second Division where they are set to play teams like the mighty Berwick and Raith Rovers. They also sing when claiming giros.
However, for a town that claims to be the 'Capital of the Highlands', it's pretty crap at Shinty
[edit] Strange but true! 20 little known facts and information about the city of Inverness, by Madscotsman1977!
1. If you wave to flag down at a taxi in Inverness the driver waves back, smiles and drives his empty cab right past you!
2. If you ask if someone has cable tv? They say the dont have a spare one!
3. Elvis is still alive and has been at a party in Rosehaugh road for the past 40 years. This is due to the Ferry time warp which is explained at #9 below.
4. Inverness is not the fastest growing city in the Universe.
5. However a new pub opens every other day making Inverness the fastest growing alcohol consumer in Scotland. Therefor also the fastest growing in the World.
6. However no new pubs are ever built! The same old pubs just paint the front and change the name then reopen every other week.
7. Every AA meeting in Edinburgh has a token Invernesian or two!
8. A recent survey has found that the 18-30 age group in Inverness that never moved to Edinburgh, Glasgow or Aberdeen when they left school is currently made up of 10% Polish,10% Pregnant ,10% Single mums, 10% Alcoholics, 10% Junkies and 50% who are all currently affected by all five.
9.Do not go down the Ferry. If you go down the Ferry you will be swallowed up by the Ferry time warp! This has several effects which is known as Ferry Time Warp Syndrome (FTWS)
Ferry Time Warp Syndrome can cause several different bad things to happen!
There are stories of people that have ventured down there on a Saturday night after being invited to a party for mad craic following a night out on the the town. They stay and get the craic for a couple of days and eventally stagger back to civillisation up Grant Street over the black bridge and into the town. On arrival in town they buy a paper with their last 20p. Reading the paper they realise it is three weeks after they started there sesh in town! What seemed like two days of hazy memories has actually taken up three weeks of their life.
Time is not the only thing the time warp takes away from you. You stagger up Academy Street and look in your pockets for your phone. This is when you realise firstly YOU Have NO POCKETS, You realise they have dissapeared along with your phone, wallet, money, job, hair, 2 - 5 teeth, and the buttons on your shirt! Funnily enough the only thing the Ferry time warp does not take is the shirt off your back however it is known to regularly change the colour to red!
The time warp can also hurt you without any explination, this can vary but usally consists of black eyes, broken ribs, a months worth of alcohol withdraws also unexplained citations usually turn up several months later!
Legend has it that the Ferry Time Warp was belived to have been created by magic fairies who used to live inside Tomnahurich hill. The fairies were famous for and liked nothing better than partying for years on end! An old tale well know in Inverness describes how two men who found their way into Tomnahurich hill were at one such party and emerged outside afterwards to find that more than a century had passed. The fairies were said to be very happy in there home where they had lived peacefully for a very long time because as you probably know fairies live forever. Several hundred years ago two fairies supposedly got talking to this drunk guy in a tavern. The drunk claimed to be originally from The Western Isles but he claimed he was staying near Alness. It was assumed by the fairies that he actually lived in Alness as nobody likes admitting they actually live in Alness. The drunk was wreaked slurring absolute shite just like myself right now however he was very clear about two things which seemed unbelivable but worried the fairies. The man who called himself Brahan Seer, claimed that one day in the future the Tomnahurich hill which was a couple of miles from the sea in the countryside would be under lock and key and fully rigged sailing ships would sail behind it! The faires forgot about this for 200 years. Then they totally freaked out. First a canal was built behind the hill then a few years later the hill was made into a graveyard which was surrounded by railings and locked gates. The fairies decided they would leave the hill to find a new home. So they went to the nearby town of Inverness where they asked to meet the Provost and his council. The fairies explained their difficult situation and that they wished to move to the castle hill, however as usual they were told that there was no room availible anywhere in Inverness apart from one place - some boarded up shacks near to the Ferry Point. This was not true but on hearing their story the council belived they had a serious drug problem and had a policy of housing problem tenents inthe Ferry at the time. So the fairies moved in to the shacks in the street now know as Carnac Cresent and were quite settled but they did not like outsiders and decided to use their magic powers to create the Ferry Time Warp to help them party like never before. This time warp is still around today.
10. Moray Firth Radio is not a real radio station, it was an April fools joke from 1983 that went horribly wrong. MFR was unfortunately sucked in by the Ferry Time Warp upon its first pirate broadcast from a house in Scorguie on April 1st 1983 . Unbeleviably it is still currently brodcasting live from 1983 today! This has resulted in the Cuture Club, Kameleon song which was number one at the time being played 4 times an hour by amature DJ Titch Macooey every day since! Unfortunately he also been stuck in the 80's for most of the last 25 years, only recently making a silight recovery from FTWS! You probably alredy knew this due to his 80's apperance well into the 1990's! And due to him scaring kids in the area on every day since apart from halloween this is the reason why everyone from that side of the canal hates the ferry.
There is a also a conspircy theory going about that MFR is not actually affected by the Ferry Time Warp and that Tich Macooey just cant acept that the 80's are over.
11. If you move to Inverness from elsewhere in the Highlands you will probably have hopes and dreams of going to college, followed bye a good job, get married, have two kids and live in a huge house in a posh suburb like Balloch or Milton of Leys.
FORGET ABOUT IT,
The best thing you can hope for is two kids, mild alcholism leading to Osprey or Beechwood house followed by a penthouse in Benula Road. Due to the Ferry time warp you will never know the real father of the kids as it can warp you DNA too.
Remember that is the best possible outcome and you will be probably end up stuck in the Ferry Time warp untill the end of time!
12. Attention Tourists- The Museum, Castle, Rollerbowl and the Aquadome or anywhere else of interest are not over the Black Bridge if you stop and ask for directions go in the opposite direction of where the drunk Invernessian sends you!
13 Also for tourists "Feerryy Mincks" is not Scottish Gailic for hello. Drunk Invernesians have been known send tourists down there advising them to speak their made up gailic for the craick!
Nobody down the ferry actually speaks any Gailic only broken english such as "Downtfuckeeenshopnrodgersbuckielikeforhalffivemorneeenlikemuncofgudge!!!"
Translation Please walk for two miles up to the nearest shop near civilisation where you might be lucky enough to get served alcohol for me at half 5 on a Sunday morning!
If you are not successfull run over the bridge to safety! as this will be quickly followed by a cry of "Bumpafuckeeeentaxiuptitescoextralikenchoreabottlevodlikemuncofgudgemonmun!"
Translated " Get a taxi (do not pay) up to the retail park and try and steal a bottle of vodka from behind the closed of Alcohol isle in tesco at 6am".
This is not a hard task and happens almost 300 times a night. However take the opportunity to get a taxi to somewhere safe.
If you fall for their fake Gailic "JOKE" and actually call someone from the Ferry a mink you will pass out immediately. You will later suddenly wake up having your eyes pecked out by a Invernesian killer mutant Seagull. (These have evolved due to the toxic gas from the former longman dump see # 16. below). After you fight it off you will realise you are floating underneath the Kessock Bridge with only the shirt on you back tied to the mast on a small fishing boat bound for Torry! A place in Aberdeen also affected by a time warp.
People from the Ferry are actually really sound and excellent craick. The best partys in the world are found down there it truly is the home of the sesh. This is why so many people risk FTWS as it really is worth every lost hour. The only drawback is FTWS and it is reccomended safe only to go down their for a sesh about once every 6 months leaving your body plenty time to recover! see www.drinkaware.co.uk
14. The Kessock Bridge was built in the 1980s and used up the entire European Fund Trasport Budget for the next 140 years to build a pointless massive dual carridgway shaving off almost 300 meters off the 14 mile journey between Inverness and Dingwall. This has resulted in no new roads being built or completed in Inverness since or in the forseeable future. The next new road will possibly be the bypass of the future suburb of Elgin in Moray when Inverness swallows it up in 2030! The Kessock bridge is literally the road to knowhere also this bridge is pointless due to Invernesses current population circa 66000 plus all our Polish friends and Dingwall population: 860 and 3/4. This gives a difference in population of around 100000 and as nobody from Inverness ever needs to go to Dingwall anymore (explained below). This has resulted in the bridge currently only being used by about 4 cars a day plus several additional horses, carts and tractors from Dingwall! It was leaked from the Government that the bridge was built purley to waste money from the European Union an attempt to piss off the French due to their support of the Jacobites in nearby Culloden 250 years ago!
There have been several recent reports of traffic congestion on the bridge but this is due to the bridge being permanently closed off six months ago by Northern Cuntstabluary due to outbreaks of Foot and mouth, Bird Flu and Alcoholism in Dingwall due to their football team being shit!
This traffic congestion has not been reported in Dingwall yet as Moray Firth Radio is stuck in the Ferry Time Warp and is still reporting that the official bridge opening ceremony is next week! This has been confusing the Dingwall citizens who do not realise the bridge is closed to keep them out and leading to a big Q of horses and carts waiting for the road to open which has built up on the bridge over a period of six months. The road is not expected to open untill the all clear is given for Dingwall in late 2023! All of the 4 Invernesians who were caught on the wrong side of the bridge when it shut have safely made it back to Inverness after swapping there cars for boats in the small costal villiage of Och also known as Avoch by the outsiders colony in Fortrose. The fishermen of Och were very pleased with their new transport and one was quoted saying "it was the best magic horseless carrige he had seen since back in the day in 1937"! There is another road to Dingwall however when they rebuilt a railway bridge at Clachnaharry just outside Inverness they made it too small for even a horse and cart. You can also get to Dingwall by driving to Drumnadrochit then following a road through the hills but nobody in dingwall can even read let alone read a map. Nobody from Inverness has bothered to go to Dingwall since the former pub team Inverness Thistle Caledonian were promoted away from their rivals Gyro County into the SPL! At first The other SPL clubs objected to ITCs promotion due to toxic gas from the dump however after inviting all members for a free lunch with Gordon Ramsay at the Caledonian Stadium they all became overcome by the gas and were forced to sign and agree to ICT being promoted!
Recent meetings of the two teams ITC and Gyro County have been fairly quiet with the post match fight losing its Sky Box office status due to the "friendly" nature of the games at the start of each season. The fights are currently shown on the new freeview channel Dave. Which means everyone can watch the fight from home rather than go to Dingwall on the biennial train service. You might think a fight between two places with a population difference of 100,000 might be a bit one sided! However the 830 and 3/4 inhabitants of Dingwall have got a secret weapon. Support from the Village of the damned- Alness who stick up for them. Footage from the aftermatch battle in 1994 (the first since the teams were promoted into Scottish league division 10 from the Inverness and district Welfare league) was actually used in the film Braveheart with the fake Irish charge into The Scots actually Alness going for Dingwall for the craick. The reason behind this pretend charge was that they really just wanted to steal all Dingwalls drugs when all the backslapping was taking place to get wreaked before ITC turned up.
Due to losing Skys money Gyro County have slid down to Scottish division 8, while THISTLE Caledonian are offical world champions (see #19 below). No Caley fans actually care about County anymore leaving the Dingwall and Alness warriers to fight it out on their own.
To get peace and avoid being called poofs for not turning up for the aftermatch scrap canny Invernesians send 300000 cans of Super T to be air dropped onto Dingwall and Alness on the day of the "friendly" making them so wreaked they end up fighting each other and cant remember anything when they wake up in Dingwall jail the next day.
People from Inverness nowadays rarely even watch this pre season scrap on TV as Dingwall is the same every Saturday night which can alredy be viewed on Sky Threes "Britains worst Villages of Shame" . Most Invernesians now prefer to get wreaked and watch a re-runs of that bit from Braveheart or the famous Battle of Forres between Elgin City and Inverness which resulted in most of the Forres and some of Nairn to be razed to the ground! This battle lasted for 4 days after a scottish qualifing cup tie between Elgin City and Inverness Thistle in 1986 and only ceased when 1000 police were bussed up from Glasgow!
15. Fact 1- People from Inverness speak the best English in the UK! Fact 2- Fact 1 is an example of the shite spoken by people after being affected by the Ferry Time Warp.
16. Inverness Caley Thistle are a merger of two former pub teams that come from Inverness. They sold there Welfare league stadiums with the larger Bught Park being sold to Shinty International PLC and the smaller Milton Pitches to several 15 year old alcoholics. The proceeds from the sales of £3.45 and half a bottle of Buckfast were used to bribe a council official into overlooking health and safety rules to build there new stadium for next to nothing. There stadium is built on the site of the former longman dump which is known to emit a toxic gas! This gas makes people feel very drowsy and due to the Inverness pub team players eventually becoming immune to this gas this is the reason why a former pub team can beat Champions league standard teams such as Celtic and Rangers. This is why Barcelona decided to play Dundee United and Hearts in their recent Scottish tour. Barcelona came to Scotland looking to get immunity to the toxic gas by with easy games against pub teams to help them beat Celtic at Parkhead. As you probably know Parkhead is located in a fairly toxic area of Glasgow and Dundee is well know for being a toxic city. Barcelona were originally supposed to play Caley however they were scared off by the Invernesian killer mutant seagulls and the extreme strength of the longman toxic gas. They opted to play a recently formed pub team formerly known as Heart of Midlothian now called Lithuania pub select. This was because they wanted to play another pub team whos stadium is also affected by toxic gas (from the local brewery)! Caleys famous win at celtic park was due to Charlie christie opening bottled toxic gas in the Celtic Dressing room an hour before the game. Charlie was given the idea by Alex Ferguson a former rangers reject who previously did this in 1983 as explained in 18 below.
17. This toxic gas is the reason for Caleys rise up the leagues from pub team to World Club Champions in 13 years! Caleys status as world club champions (as of christmas 2007) is explained below in note 19!
18. The only team that can actually beat Caley is Aberdeen. This is because Aberdeens players are the only other club to be immune to extremely strong toxic gas from the longman which is also produced by the large number of rotting abused sheep carcasses in the area around Pittodrie! They have also used this to their advantage in the past and this is how they beat REAL MADRID IN 1983 TO WIN THE CUP WINNERS CUP with Alex Ferguson first noticing the idea before opening a jar of toxic gas that night in Gothenberg!
Due to an outbreak of the sheep virus Bluetounge disease in Aberdeen a week before the final game of in season 1991/1992 tight Aberdonians stopped abusing their sheep due to the £5.34 prescription costs for antibiotics to clear up the infection. As there were no dead sheep lying about the red light district there was no toxic gas in the area meaning the team had no advantage leading to them losing a game they only had to draw to win the Premier League. Without their toxic gas Aberdeen were awful. Bluetounge disease is still affecting sheep in Aberdeen and their utterly shite form over the last 15 years has led to the human equivelent Bluenose disease slowly spreading through Aberdeens citizens as they finally cough up for a prescription. Bluenose disease is especially prevalent in younger Aberdonians due to free prescriptions for under 18s. It was initally thought that Rangers supporters were carriers of a faulty gene that led to the development of Bluenose disease as they all suffer from it. This has still not been confirmed altough the possible link between the two means Instead of abusing their sheep Aberdeen supporters have turned to abusing Rangers Supporters instead.
Rangers fans persistantly refuse to receive treatment for the disease and has led to Glasgow being declared as having the worst health record in Europe with more than 200,000 claiming incapacity benifit due to the condition. Symptoms of Bluenose disease consist of obesity, baldness, ulgyness and a perception to like the colour orange.
In 2007 the SNP announced prescription charges were to be abolished leading to Aberdeen fans returning to abusing sheep. The toxic gas returned and that explains their recent excellent form in their home Uefa cup games! Unbeliabily Aberdeen managed to qualify from a group of Champions league standard teams. A group that nobody in the entire universe, even people affected by the FTWS thought they would even score a goal in! Aberdeen are in Europe again after chrismas for the first time in 22 years this coincides with the highest number of l ewe d conduct cases reported to the Procurator Fiscal in Aberdeen.
Aberdeen unbeliveably beat Copenhagen 4-0 at home last week. They scored more goals in that one game than their total of three goals in the last 10 years.
Barcelona also looked into playing Aberdeen in their recent Scottish tour due to the illusion that they were also a pub team affected by toxic gas. However on checking closely they discovered Aberdeen were not actually a pub team the were just completely shite from 1992 to 2007 due to the tight fisted Aberdonians not prepared to pay prescription charges!
Aberdeen are still in the Uefa cup as of Christmas 2007 and Jimmy calderwood does not actually jiggle his balls anymore during interviews. He is now collecting toxic gas in jars for away games. As things stand I believe Aberdeen will go all the way in the Uefa cup this Season!
19. Inverness Caley Thisle are officially the best team in the world as of Christmas 2007
I will explain this slowly as it is hard to believe. AC Milan were crowned world club champions beating a team from South America to win the final 4-2 on Sunday 16th December 2007. On the same day Inverness beat Celtic 3-2 to win in the SPL. As Celtic beat AC Milan at parkhead recently 2-1 in the Champions league group stages in 2007 we can write an equation to find out who is the best team!
The equation
(Celtic > AC Milan)+(AC Milan=WORLD CLUB CHAMPIONS)+(Caley>Celtic).
>> I C T> than World champions
Inverness pub team is greater than AC Milan the world champions!
This means Caley are undesputed champions of the world!
20 The film Highlander starring Sean Connery is actually a true story. The Highlander is immortal and can be found today selling cheap rings and cheap celtic jewlerly near the foot of the market brae steps in Inverness!
