Ipswich
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“Ipswich? Where the fuck is Ipswich?!”
~ Flea of the Red Hot Chili Peppers on Ipswich
Ipswich (also known as "a scum hole") is a designated chav hole coded #116 of the United Kingdom. Similar to the United States' Project Joysee this is undeniably a shit hole awaiting destruction.
Ipswich is also known as one of the major TOWNS of Mediocre Britain. This article is for the Ipswich of Great Britain (as the name suggests we are indeed greater than you).
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[edit] History
Little is know about the history of Ipswich. Common legend dictates that after Daniel Day-Lewis squatted down over England and shat out Ireland he then proceeded to wipe his arse on the patch we now call Ipswich.
The origins of the town date back to the 1500's when it used to be a giant sewage works. During the recent work at the quay turds were dated as far back as 1525. This accounts for the smell which is usually associated with Ipswich. The town's name is thought to be derived from the Anglo-Saxon word shytehole or shit pit.
[edit] Population
The population of Ipswich is made up mostly of small, rat-like creatures. They can be seen scurrying about the decrepit streets at all times of day, squawking at humans beings and demanding that they "Gim Wallet". Of course, these habits have brought the pesky vermin into direct conflict with the dwindling human population of the town. This has lead some experts to believe that human beings could soon become extinct in Ipswich, unless steps are taken to protect these vulnerable creatures.
In the town, there is a strict hierarchy which must be adhered to at all times. A person's status is normally determined by their fluency in grime, beatingz rating and fakeness of jewelery.
- Wastemanz - A wasteman is a person who has been marked as a potential threat to the chav society. This person is soon hunted down and taken in for reeducation. This may include various name callings and possible subjection to 'bare beatz'.
- Wetty - A Wetty is a person of the minimum social status in Ipswich. They usually have no beatz record and wear clothing which is seen as disgusting in the eyes of the population. Wettys are subject to bare beatz at any given time and the people of Ipswich are encouraged to inform the authorities if they sight one.
- Gai - A 'gai' or sometimes 'gay' is characterized by his/her lack of baby blue coloured clothing, stolen mobile phones and sickening MC Name. They usually receive beats but rarely int he form of bare beatz.
- Gek - A 'gek' is an Ipswich term for a non-conformist. They are closely associated with the hated 'grubby grebo' community. Geks are subject to beatz after dark under Ipswich law (Grubee Grebo Act 2k4) but due to their busy schedule, they often escape unscathed.
- Blud - A blud is a respected citizen in Ipswich. They wear the correct clothing, listen to BaRe TuNeAg3 and do their duty to society by assisting with the beating of innocent people. They can often be sighted swarming around more authoritative figures.
- Mash-hed - A mash-hed is an extremely envied position in the Ipswich society. They are skilled labourers in the field of alcohol and drug abuse and often have the honour of preparing drugs for use by bruvs. They are exempt from any kind of beatz or muggings under the M@Sh eD aCt 2K6.
- Bruv - A bruv is the highest position someone can attain in Ipswich. They can order the beating of anyone at anytime and have unlimited access to all wallets. To become a bruv, you must be elected by the Ipswich Beatz Council (founded 2k2). Bruvs are always protected by at least three bluds. If you are instructed to do something by someone of this status, it is strongly advised that you follow all orders to avoid being 'smacked up'.
[edit] Culture
Due to most of its inhabitants being rodents, Ipswich is a town largely void of any kind of cultural influences. However, one interesting thing to point out is the variety of languages spoken. The official language of the town is a local speech known as 'grime'. For those who do not speak it (or 'chat' it, as the natives say), grime sounds roughly like a cat coughing up hairballs while suffering from a nasty chest infection. To the rodents, however, grime is a sophisticated tongue, requiring extensive training and great dedication to master. It is believed that those most fluent in grime hold the right to lead the rodent packs. These mighty warriors are chosen through an annual contest, held in a mythical place known only as "Rushmere Eef". On this sacred ground, the largest and most racially unidentifiable rodents will face off against one another. They will take it in turns to shout at each other in grime, the winner being decided by the creature that speaks the fastest and makes the least sense.
After grime, English is the second most common language in Ipswich. This is spoken mainly by the human inhabitants. Ipswich-English (or 'shittus-Anglo') is widely regarded as the form most difficult to understand (Possible competitors include Glaswegian-English and Dre-English). The language is spoken in an accent so incomprehensible, it can actually cause people who aren't used to it to explode. This is why first time visitors to Ipswich are encouraged to wear earplugs
A third language that is quickly spreading in Ipswich is known as 'Polish'. This is spoken by the migrant workers from Poland, who have flooded into Ipswich in droves. Their purpose, it seems, is to drain the town of all of its financial worth, as well as take over all living accommodation and employment. These Polish people (or 'cunts') have also taken it upon themselves to sit in parks, drinking cheap booze and scaring small children. The situation has gotten so severe that some believe that the whole thing is actually a diabolical scheme devised by the Polish Prime Minister, Doctor Evil. The supporters of this theory claim that Poland was angry at Great Britain for defending it during both world wars, and has been plotting revenge ever since. Of course, this is only speculation, and cannot be proved in any way.
An estimated 120 percent of Ipswich's population lives on council estates, some of which include: Stoke Park, Whitehouse, Whitton, Chantry, Kesgrave, Gainsborough and Nacton which take up all but a tiny portion in the North West of the town or out in the shit-infested countryside where the lower middle classes hide from smelly poor folk.
Everyone in Ipswich smokes. Something. Everyone. Always.
[edit] Claim to Fame
Aside from being one of the major chav capitals of the UK, Ipswich also has other more redeeming qualities to it. Ipswich came into the international spotlight when a Mr. Stephens had decided to begin killing prostitutes known by the locals as the founders and major contributors to the city populous. At first it was thought he was attempting to do what the government couldn't be caught doing. That is engaging in sexual activities and killing chavs.
It was soon found he was simply attempting to lay eggs inside their corpses, wear their clothing and give rise to right-wing fascists by taking away our socialist ideals of sharing our women. He was promptly arrested and had many an angry letter addressed to him.
Though many were thankful for the extermination of several major sources to the plague II there was some public backlash from the lesser of Ipswich's inhabitants as many were spawned from the 'victims'. Many chavs believed that the UK had become a war zone due to several previous minor shootings the weeks before that now had been coupled with the serial killer's activities. They then acted in what they believed to be "moving" by posting many blogs on Bebo to tell the killer to confess (yes, he does read these Bebo blogs) and several shit-based oozings along the lines of "put des un ur payj 2 shuw ur separt 4 da grilz dat gut murdad."
Ipswich is also home to many renowned and reputable stars, one of these being the infamous 'Brikz' or 'Brikz2Ksik'. Any star-spotters are usually welcomed, although normally there is the small charge of a wallet and/or mobile phone. Favourite spotting locations include the rat-infested alleyway adjacent to McDonald's in the town centre, or at more festive periods of the year they can be sighted at the local parks participating in the age-old tradition of the B@R3 mAShUP.
And Ipswich people tend to belittle and piss take out of their well spoken, and vastly superior norfolk neighbours, mostly due to the local rivalry between the Norwich City Football/budgie club/aviary (NCF/BC/A) and the Ipswich Tarwn Farmers Co-op (ITFC)
Ipswich Tarwn Farmers Co-op is also the only Club to be owned by a Arms-Dealer, so much that said arms dealer has been quoted as saying that he is considering using the stadium as a target range for arms clients, with the plan of making local chavs run around the pitch as human targets
[edit] See Also
