Irish
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“The people that own the shit out of you, bitch.”
~ That guy who killed you on the fags reading this article
“DRINK AND DRINK AND DRINK AND DRINK AND DRINK AND DRINK AND FIGHT!”
~ Bucky O Nine on the Irish
“Not as good as Scotland.”
~ Master Toto on Ireland's alcholism rates before being stabbed by a limerick teen.
“ALL OF YOU ####### ANTI-IRISH BASTARDS CAN GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!”
~ Ian Paisley on the 1994 elections
“DRINK! FECK! ARSE!”
~ Father Jack on how to survive in Ireland
“GIRLS! ”
~ Father Jack on continued survival in Ireland
“When I created Ireland I was hungover.”
~ Eric Clapton on His creation of Ireland
A peaceful race of two foot tall, bearded men that wear Amish clothes, have translucent, nearly blue skin, women with legs that look like they are upside down, and of course, school children's dependency on alcohol. The Irish are a quaint and simple folk, and distant cousins to modern man. They are identifiable mainly by an affinity for Guinness (this is often quite overtly manifested) and a distinct absence of luck with horticulture. Contrary to popular stereotype, the Irish are not stupid nor do they lack the faculty of reason; they merely refuse to be swayed by the lascivious temptations of so-called 'intelligence' or 'logic', and are thus prone to militant Catholicism, mass-procreation, and habitual drunkenness. Their main goal in life is to dance across a rainbow so they may find a pot of gold.
The Irish (and possibly the Scots) are a subspecies of Grue The Irish were at one time the most advanced Grue civilization in the world. Unfortunately, they would have doomed the human race in ten years, until the invention of the still. The rest as they say is history.
The Irish race is primarily located in the cheaper parts of the eastern United States, and Liverpool, England. However, small populations still exist on their native island of Ireland where numbers have dwindled significantly due to famine, as well as the onset of British and Polish colonisation. Though often thought to have migrated to Ireland in 44 B.C. from Germany they are in fact natives of that small archipelago off the coast of France. There they attempted to conduct civil society, but their cell phones often quit working, which often caused many problems during Ireland's civilized period. That was before they discovered Guinness. Despite being Irish and commenting on every other article Oscar Wilde refused to give up a snappy quote for this page. They like their sheep baaaaaaaaaaaaa!
“What about this one yew wankers?”
~ Oscar Wilde on on the above statement.
Irishmen are Spaniards who went the wrong way northward and landed on one of the two British isles.
Emory is a mongolian,yes, that's right.
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[edit] Proper Use and Care Of Your Irishman
An Irishman's hair should be treated daily in a solution of Kool-Aid and egg dye to preserve colour also their large penis' (they are large, and their bigger than blacks penises) should be looked after as well. Combing their long manes with a little brush, and thinking of ways to smite the British. Although most functioning Irishmen have brown or black hair, a disproportionate number of 'broken' Irish Americans have red hair due to improper solar exposure and a viking tainted genetic background. Skin may be bleached, as there isn't any colour to be washed anyway, and those freckles definitely aren't going anywhere.
Apart from the red haired or 'broken' Irish, all other flavours are in fact solar powered. When in it's natural cloud covered, rain soaked, cold, sodden, damp, dour, grey, briar dragging, bog covered, mud soaked misery of an environment the Irish is somnabulant and despairing, prone to alcohlism, sporadic violence and misery. Stick one in a country with regular exposure to sunlight and they become "great workers", "tanned", "cheery" and rich. Plans are afoot for a trial swap of small towns in Ireland and Mexico starting with Ballingarry and Guadaljara (soon to be renamed Guadal O'Hara). By 2057 full transplantation will have taken place.
CAUTION: Store your Irishman in a cool, moist space, and DO NOT EXPOSE TO SUNLIGHT. If exposed to sunlight, red discoloration is normal. Pickle in a solution of aloe vera and vitamin E for several weeks before returning to normal activity. If your Irishman experiences trembling, loss of appetite and general unpleasantness, get him drunk. When properly restored to his normal cheeriness, your now inebriated irishman will let you know by speaking to you in a secret Irish language composed of the moans, grunts and other guttural interjections or drunkards across the world. (see Gaelic)
WARNING: You should not use your Irishman if you are nursing, pregnant or may become pregnant. Do not use your Irishman if you are on medication, such as MAOIs, COX-2 inhibitors, or crack. Consult your doctor before using an Irishman if you are suffering from liver disease or advanced renal failure. Irishman may cause mild side effects, such as dry mouth, dizziness, insomnia, children, sweating, and, in the case of Northerners, often death. See a physician for more details.
alex is very irish.
[edit] Famous Irish People
- Tim O'Glock - Formula 1 racing driver
- Barack O'Bama - 44th US president to have come from Ireland. Not to be confused with Barack O'Barman, the waiter seen flailing in Rick Astley's timeless classic Never Gonna Give You Up
- Chuck O'Norris, the world's deadliest Irishman.
- Samuel O'Jackson - "Faith and begorrah! I've had it with the motherfecking snakes on this motherfecking plane, so I have. Now I am going to make like St Patrick and get rid of them ... by opening some windows, so I will."
- Captain O'Bvious - "These being Irish snakes, the only way you can get them to leave is to say that you've run out of Guinness, so you will."
- Y O'da - Ireland's greatest Jedi. "Go brach, Erin will!"
- Eamonn Yarlog - Africa's leading Irishman.
- Father Ted
- Father Dougal
- Fran Connolly the great
- Father Jack
- Mrs Doyle
- Bishop Brennan
- A man from County Kerry who does nothing other than hang around with two friends, one English and one Scottish, and portraying a negative stereotype of Irish people as stupid. He is said to have died either in front of a firing squad, or by stabbing himself with a fork, or by jumping out of a plane with a faulty parachute, etc etc etc.
[edit] Irish Jokes
- Patrick went for an interview for a job on a building site. The foreman asked 'What's the difference between a joist and a girder?' After some thought, Patrick replied 'I think Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust'.
- Patrick Fitzwilliam and William Fitzpatrick, two characters from an Irish joke.
[edit] Things that are Irish
alex and Everything Green is Irish. The mold on the clothes on your floor that you haven't picked up in two years is Irish. Racism is very Irish. Drunk driving is Irish. Though many would rather keep it under wraps, Irishmen (and women) are actually green skinned, being cousins of the troglodyte race. Also, the double bass was invented by Irish druidic witches, and it is well known that little green aliens are actually long lost descendants of ancient Irishmen, who come back to check up on their cousins every once in a while. All Americans are Irish or so they say. GOD him/herself is Irish. Potatoes are also Irish, first used by famous Irishman Paul Robinson ( aka the Potato Hunter ). After describing the local women as some of the ugliest people he had ever seen, he turned to the potato as a form of sexual pleasure, (see Rincewind, Discworld). Another important thing to remember is if you see an Irish man named bill you must hunt and beat him. bills are known to be very dangerous and tend to kill. Other things that are Irish include Evil. Therefore, killing a Jew through the ######## of Irish is sin!
[edit] Trivia
- The Irish often receive sunburn from fireworks. Consequently, the neglect to celebrate anything. They merely drink instead.
- Catholicism is a polite term for Alcoholism in the Irish people.
- Leprechuans are Irish..."give me back me gold"...steals Lucky Charms cereal.
- Everyone from china are descended from Irish people, they just don't know it.
- Marcel Proust is considered the greatest Irishman ever ... despite the fact he was born in France.
- Soylent Green is people. An so's yer ma ...
- The Irish have always been mentioned in the Daily Mail, but never pleasantly.
- Thank God he gave them whiskey or they'd be out conquering the world! So they will keep saying.
- If you're not Irish, nobody cares about you. If you are Irish, nobody cares about you.
- ###### was invented in Dublin in 1989. 73% of all Dubliners are ###### addicts, and even still are more attractive and witty than their country cousins.
- Ireland once invaded Canada. This was generally regarded as a bad move by all involved and is rarely talked about.
- Emos in Ireland are hunted, when found one rubs his face in some water and shouts "I WANT YOU TEARS EMO GYPSY", good luck is sure to follow!
- The only observed differences, as stated by every scientist ever, between an Irish wedding and funeral are that a funeral statistically has one less drunk. Sometimes.
[edit] See also
- British-Irish relations
- Steve Staunton
- Britain's bitch
- Ryan Tubridy
- Irish Riverdance Academy
- Radio Telefís Éireann
- Paddy Irishman
- Gerry Ryan
- Drinking Boots
- Flogging Molly, traditional Irish sport
- Alcohol
- Drunk
- Fighting
- Tír na n-Óg
- Irish Defence Forces
