Islam
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 Warning, reasoned discussion with an Islamist may result in beheading!
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“And you shall behead those who say Islam is violent, and Allah shall be praised”
“I shall call you "Mohammed".”
~ Anonymous Uncyclopedian's famous last words to his Teddy bear.
“OKAY OKAY! IT'S A RELIGION OF PEACE! JUST GET THAT SWORD AWAY FROM MY NECK!!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Islam
A picture of the highest prophet of Islam, Evil Bert (pbuh), pictured here next to his right hand man, a stuffed puppet named Osama. They sleep together in the same bed, you know. The second highest prophet is Muhammad, who is a teddy bear.
Islam (pronounced "I slam," as in "I slam planes into buildings") is a fellowship of Islamism. The term Islam is derived from the ancient Arabic word "Ishamada" which means "nitroglycerin."
A person of the Islamic faith (i.e. Islamist) is appropriately referred to as a "Towelhead", for Islam is a false religion for the Middle-Eastern barbarians (gaijin) our Lord God (Amaterasu) has forsaken. Occasionally, those godless, pro-choice, liberal feminist homosexuals may use instead the "word" "Muslims". Do not be misled, my friend! They are just trying to conceal their America-hating attitude with blatant political correctness, and judgment shalt come upon them and they shalt all be tormented in hell for all eternity.
It is known that Islam is responsible for everything wrong in the world today, and that if they would only all die then the world would be a better place. This is absolutely not racist nonsense, as Islam is directly responsible for 93.45% of all the world's ills, according to the latest statistics. Towelheads are known to beat up women, especially their own spouses, in contrast to our Holy Nation of Christianity, whose members only carry out such deeds when drunk upon the beautiful alcohol that the Christian God saw fit to give us.
As of 2017, Islam became officially extinct as a religion, replaced with scientific reasoning instead. Christianity followed suit in 2019, as one ex-priest was quoted at the official ceremony of its demise, "I can't believe we believed this crap for so long, even when science had already obliterated the legitimacy of the Bible years ago; I'll go dunk my head in a toilet now." Judaism did not follow the example of Christianity or Islam; it remained a religion in Israel until 2055 when a gigantic tidal wave killed everybody there, which was the last refuge for Jews, hence wiping out their silly religion.
Contents |
History
Islam (International Society of Liars And Murderers) was invented by a goat-herder/sexer named Baphomet (nickname: "Jaclyn")(pbuh). The Koran was originally a pamphlet telling the reader why the author hated pigs and never wanted to eat pork again. Unbeknownst to the poor bastard who wrote this innocuous piece of filth, his words were corrupted, so much so that one sentence, "Harken! Listen to my words brothers!" was interpreted to mean "there is no God but Allah. All others must be put to the sword or any other sharp pointy object that is readily available for the purposes of stabbing, beheading, insertion or the causing of pain thereof. All non-believers must die! O ye faithful, ye getting the gist of this yet?! Ye shall beat up your women and make them cover themselves up - people might think we're straight otherwise! O ye believers, do Us a favor and don't eat pork."
The New Race
Lately, Islam has been awarded a status as a race by the Dhimmiology section of European Organization for Security and Co-operation (OSCE), while rather paradoxically, simultaneously agreeing that such things as "races" don't really exist. Making fun of Islam, especially drawing those bloody cartoons, is a serious racist crime in the Brave New Islamic State of Europe. But as a result, you can now change your race faster than Michael Jackson. Just accept Lord Mohammad who is your father your son and your holy ghost as your personal savior. But remember, if you later decide that it was not a such a good idea after all, you shall be beheaded.
The Five Pillars of Islamism
Shahadah
The first pillar of Islamism, Shahadah, can be summed up in one sentence: "Hear o Israel, There is no God but Allah (swt); and Muhammad (pbuh) who is the messenger of Allah. Blessed is His kingdom forever" (Shema Yisrael, ashadu an la ilaha illallah, wa ashadu anna Muchammadan rasulu-llah, baruch shem kevod malcuto l'olam va'ed)
This idea is correct. Those idiot Christians who think this is wrong can go dunk their heads in buckets of ice-cold martini. They think that there is a three-in-one God (buy three Gods, for the price of one) —how silly! In fact, it's so foolish that they deserve to be beheaded. Now go on and behead those anti-Allah protesters!
Salat
Salat or Salad is the daily, five-time reciting of Muhammad's babble (pbuh) and bowing to an overcrowded slum called Mecca. Obviously, those towelheads do not have better things to do than slam their, well, towelheads against the dirt. Known as I slam my head on the floor.
Prayers should only be taken from a proper prayer book, not Quran, for our Lord will only listen to those who have paid $15 for proper words, or those who diligently pray for their family, friends, new sports cars, mansions, the numbers for the next lottery draw and victory in an MBL match. No one, though, should pray for disaster victims because this is against the will of the Lord. See the next sub-section for more details.
Zakat
Zakat, or "humanitarian tax", is a God-defying, Communist practice embraced by most towelheads' nations. It is noteworthy that the only humanitarian things on earth are the tax cuts offered by our plain-spoken leader George W. Bush.
God hates sinners, and He punishes them by means of atrocity. He struck the Buddhists and Communists with Asian flu, towelheads with earthquakes and tsunami, liberals with airplanes, and black people with hurricane. They were not spared, and even if they survived, they would only live to see poverty. This is what God had in store for their rebellion.
Karl Marx was an ungodly atheist, and he invented Communism. Muhammad was an anti-Christ, and he invented the Communist Zakat. God is the one who decides who is going to be rich and who is going to be poor. By attempting to evenly distribute wealth the towelheads have sinned against our Lord to the extent only Sodom and Gomorrah could match.
Sawm
Sawm is a hypocritical, Pharisee-style practice in which one starves himself from dawn to sunset, for one whole month (why, Jews stop at one or two days!). Gratefully, all God wants from us are our attendance at Sunday Church sessions and a tenth of our total income, which is given to his servants, our reverends. In return, God created animals so we can shoot them with 12-gauge pallets and put them all on a plate. Towelheads' fasting month is just a poor attempt in imitating of our Lord Jesus, who abstained from food and drink for 40 days and 40 nights. May God punish them all for their blasphemy.
Hajj
- Main article: Hajj
The demonic text Quran requires all towelheads to visit their "holy city", which is in reality a terrorist-filled slum called Makkah, at least once in a lifetime. Entrance to the said shanty town (which happens to have rocket ships and a stadium posing as a mosque) by non-towelheads is forbidden, suggesting possible stockpiling of Weapons of Mass Destruction therein and the harboring of Osama bin Laden by big Saudi Arabia dictator. Thus, it is fair to conclude that Hajj is just terrorist recruitment in disguise and whoever participated in it should be either locked away or simply put to death in order to protect our free Christian world.
First of all, Makkah started where it did because it had a well, known as the Zimzam Well. The story goes that one Hagar the Horrible (pbuh), a Viking, was raiding for plunder when he ran out of water, leading him to wander in a zigzag path all over the place until he found a well. Allah (swt) purportedly showed him the well, which he named the Zigzag in honor of his erratic searching for the well. He showed it to Muhammad (pbuh)'s grandfather (pbuh). The grandfather misheard the name as "Zimzam", but he appreciated the water's quality, so he set up a trading post to sell Zimzam Holy Water at the Makkah Trading Post. Soon, he set up a Kaaba Shrine (and Wrestling Ring) with some 360 idols and an Indian chief posing for photos outside, complete with a Tourist Stand showing photographs and various trinkets. When Muhammad (pbuh) came along, he smashed the idols (swt...oh fuck). Mo's tribe wouldn't stand for it, so they kicked him out on his bum, and so he and his bunch of rowdy men fled to the college town of Medina, where they took courses on "How to Found a Religion without Looking Stupid", taught by one Archangel named Gabriel. While Mohammed got failing grades, some of his followers, including Mo's 9 year old wife, got A's , and so it was they who started nudging Mo to go back to Makkah, err, Mecca, no, Makka, let's just call it Schmucka, that'll do. Unfortunately, when they came up to the Makkah city gate, they saw a sign saying NO MOSLEMS ALLOWED in several languages, including Yiddish and French. So they turned back. This was known as the Hijra.
Somehow, they managed to weasel their way in (rumor has it that they got a guard drunk and bribed him, which is why Islam bans booze), circle around the Kaaba Shrine seven times, run back and forth over the Zimzam Well, stand for a day on the nearby mountain of Arafat, and throw rocks at pillars nearby in a "stoning" ritual. This proved to be a fun thing to do, so the group petitioned Muhammad (pbuh) to make it mandatory to have a Makkah Party. There were about 1200 people in the group, so it proved difficult to have a stampede after the Stoning of the Devil. Nonetheless, they persevered. Someone had the bright idea of renaming the "Makkah Party" the "Hajj" (reason: it's an absurd enough word), so the Hajj it has been ever since.
Jihad
The practice of "Jihad", or "holy war", is an ongoing terrorist threat against our Christian culture. "Jihad", by definition, is the wearing of many pounds of explosives and/or the carrying of weapons of mass destruction with the view of destroying oneself along with targets such as bus stops, taxis, railroad trains and, most significantly, airplanes and airports by means of detonation. Much faithful Christian blood has been spilled in this form of barbarism (although this should be attributed to the will of God as well, I suppose. Damn.)
The War Against Terror
All towelheads are jihadists (the practitioners of Jihad) and are considered armed and dangerous. In the recent effort of counter-terrorism, much focus has been put into eradicating towelheads with bullets, napalm and white phosphorus, and the reporting of potential terrorists, such as those wearing headdresses and non-western clothing, to local authorities such as US Department of Defense, FBI and NSA. It has been also suggested that all towelheads should be banned from all airports and forced to use their own "magical flying carpets" [1].
Fard
Fard is the act of passing gas, pronounced with a heavy Islamic accent. This is supposed to signify that something has to be done. Thus, in order to follow Shari'a law, people have to eat beans and make a formidable fard.
Common islamic animals
Allahgator
Mosqueto
Hi-jack rabbit
Magic flying donkey
Fruit-eating bee
Durkadurkamohammadjihadus allahanus - The world's worst-named dinosaur
Uncommon but Holy islamic animals
Worshiping animals, colored in islamic green, is the most common and significant methods of praying. When you see any of these holy animals down on your kneel, close your eyes, open your pocket quran and read it (you must be able to read it without looking, god will help you). For reference, you can find a list of these tasty holy animals:
- Anaconda
- Turtles (Not the ninja ones)
- Crocodile
- Aliens
- Mutant rats
- Commodore
- Chameleon (Only when it is islamic green)
- Green killer ants (For colorblind people: red killer ants)
- Pokemon
Things in Common With Judaism a.k.a. Why Can't We Be Friends?
- Same abrahamic origin of religion
-
Almostfanatical devotion to religion - Is the One True Faith™
- Live in the same desert
- Like to blow shit up!
- Like to mutilate their children
- Don't like ham
- Think they are the
God'sAllah's chosen people - Weird sounding music
- Wear silly beards and funny hats
- Women wear long dresses
- Don't believe in all of those silly Jebus stories
- Pokemon
- Numerous schools in which scholars make up silly rules and study (religion's holy book)
- Plenty of religious experts arguing with each other
- Have favorite site to overcrowd
- Pray in direction of favorite site
- Have a beef with freedom of speech
Major factions of Islamism
- Sunni - terrorist towelheads that sometimes blow up other terrorist towelheads' mosques.
- Shi'a - terrorist camel-riders who like to whup themselves on their butts during the holiday of "I'll Sue Ya". They started this because their lawyers said it makes them look good.
- Sufism - terrorist sandniggers who like to fall into a trance
- Kharijites - terrorist dynamite jockies whose main activity is arguing with everyone else
- Hannafi - terrorist America-haters and clam-chowder haters
- Crazy Ivan - communist pig-dogs
- Atta - think blowing up skyscrapers is cool, and think 9/11 was when the world was born
- Wahhabi - Arabs who ban people from various cities and consider women to be kids.
- Hadhari - Islam Malaysia style.
Islamo-logic
1. The infidels steal candy from children. Therefore it is okay for me to steal candy from children.
2. People used to eat dirt a lot, so that means eating dirt is not wrong.
3. 10,000 people who say donkeys can fly can't be wrong.
4. My Imam said Barney is a real dinosaur. Therefore Barney exists.
5. The Americans said Barney is just a TV character. Therefore Barney exists (because infidels tell lies).
6. I stopped responding to the debate. Therefore I have proven that you are wrong about Biology.
7. I feel respected when people call me stupid(reverse logic).
8. I AM RIGHT I AM RIGHT I AM RIGHT I AM RIGHT I AM RIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!Therefore I am right.
9. La la la la la...oh sorry I wasn't really listening to what you said. Anyway I am right.
10. You look like a cow, which means I am right.
11. We believe in A. Some infidels believe in A too. Therefore A exists.
12. Bring me the C4. Time to meet the virgins!
13. We are peaceful people. Therefore it is ok to kill peaceful infidels.
14. If you do an irresponsible act and draw a picture of Mohammed, I can also do an irresponsible act and burn down your house.
15. If you were born on a flat island in the middle of the Indian Ocean, you have to be a Muslim, because Big Sultan said so.
16. My life is terrible, and it's all because American women wear shorts. It has nothing to do with me enthusiastically following a religion that regulates everything, including my bowel movements, by 7th century standards.
Greetings in Islam
Salam is the shortened version of the longer muslim greeting which has various versions:
- A Salami Lick em
- I slam and you lick em
- Just lick them for christ's sake
- Asalam mu alaikum (used rarely)
- Dont lick em, I'm watching G4
- Slam yo ass and lick em
- A Islamic licking
See Also
- Religion
- Allah
- The Middle East
- The Qu'ran
- Muhammad
- Muslims
- Political cartoon
- Denmark
- Jihad
- Anti-Muhammed
- Jihad My Ride
- Hajj
- Don't be offended by this article if you are a Muslim, eat some Doritos instead
Don't Forget
If you see a decent Muslim, he is either a Christian in disguise, or not a real Muslim. Whatever you do, don't rat him out to real Muslims. they will kill both of you.
