Italy
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| Motto: Viva la figa! (Long live the pussy!) | |||||
| Anthem: "Oh Sole mio!" | |||||
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| Capital | Roma | ||||
| Largest city | Milan | ||||
| Official languages | Dont speak-a no english-a, Latin, Elfic, Neapolitan, Klingon, Padano, 8-Bit Text | ||||
| Government | Country ruled by Mussolini | ||||
| -Duce, Dictator, President, Prime Minister | Mario, Luigi, Benito Mussolini, Silvio Berlusconi | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Mussolini, Caesar, Mario, Luigi (not Yoshi, he's Canadian) Silvio Berlusconi, Monica Bellucci, Germano Mosconi, Galileo,
Leonardo da Vinci, Niccolò Machiavelli, Michelangelo, Dante Alighieri, Roberto Baggio | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | 1st of may 2010 (if the Mafia will agree) | ||||
| Currency | Pizza slices, Denarius, Beautiful Women | ||||
| Religion | Roman Catholicism, Elder Roman Gods in Rome, Axelismo, Norse Paganism (only in Sicily) | ||||
Primarily known as being the birthplace of pizza, soccer players, beautiful women, fascists, and by movie buffs as being the home of the Mafia, Italy is, in essence, a fascinating giant leather boot, found propping up the underbelly of Europe and stretching several hundred thousand miles into the dank cesspit that is the Mediterranean sea, where it is currently tied to a block of concrete called Sicily.
Mostly inhabited by a deceptively lazy race of tanned mutant dwarven hobits known as "Eye-talians", Italy boasts a warm, sunny climate, conducive to much breast showing in the summer time, and cool winters, which mark the annual native hibernation period (usually spent in bed). Rich in history yet curiously bereft of modern culture, Italy was announced to be the No. 1 best-selling foot garment of 2004 by John Woo & Ralph Lauren.
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[edit] Food'a!
The main staples of Italian cuisine are Spaghetti-O's and Olive Garden breadsticks. And we can't forget about Pizza. Italy is commonly thought to be the home of pasta, but Marco Polo actually stole the noodle from China.
[edit] Geography
As explained by Bill Bryson (who licks balls for fun) in his thrilling exposé on the history of baby lotion, Italy is serated from the sprawling mess that is the African sub-incontinent by only a matter of inches, a figure that is revised daily by a specially employed shadowy figure holding a ruler known only as Il Gomito (the Elbow).
Collision between the two masses shr in a matter of minutes or furlong-years, depending on the source; nevertheless, experts of German-teutonic plate theory agree thast-collision, the Italian boot will be brutally shoved over the Alps and will slide to rest over Germany, the gia jumper in the north of Europe separating Spain from the moon people.
However, contrary to popular opinion that Italy is in the shape of a boot, a new theory is being adopted by many geologists. This new theory suggests that Italy more similarly resembles the piece of turkey that fell out of my organic hamburger. This turkey piece must have been warped back in time and evolved into Italy approximately 4 billion years ago. Many n00bs refer to this as being "HAXXX0RZ, Turkey(refering to the bipedal carbon based bird)
note: the writer of this article went missing shortly after a trip to New Jersey. He was found in a ditch, dead with all of his bones broken, and several inches to the left of Jimmy Hoffa.
Italy is shaped like a boot because you can't fit that much shit into a shoe.
[edit] Religion
Flying Spaghetti Monster. This being actually originated from the central heart of Peru, but after being defeated by the Meatball Men it ran away to Italy where it won the hearts of the locals by crushing pecans for them. They also like siesta time, another tradition originated by the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
[edit] Demographics
Italy is populated by 34% men, 66% hot women. They all copulate furiously, as ordered by Pope Palpatine. Italian women have always been considered gorgeous by non-italians, this causing them to become stubborn and dullheaded.
[edit] Famous Italian Cities
- Cogne
- Peru (Just bought)
- Bologna (The "g" is silent. Don't embarrass yourself.)
- Scampia
- Parma (u'll never be able to say it correctly, so please remain silent, for your own sake)
- Grimsby
- Naples
- Rome: Evidently a really good series on HBO.
- Turin: Would have been known as "Shroudsville, U.S.A." if not for the obvious fact that the town is not in the United States.
- Pisa: Thousands of tourists from all over the world visit this small Tuscan town every day to go look at a broken tower...
- ...as opposed to a rusted TV/Radio tower in Paris
- ...or a tower of dust in NYC
- Now that's just crossing the line, mister.
- ...or a tower of dust in NYC
- ...as opposed to a rusted TV/Radio tower in Paris
- Milan
- France
- Brooklyn
- Florence
- Venice
- Mazara del Vallo
- Moncton (since 100 BC)
- Montreal (since 50 BC)
- Swalwell (since 25 BC)
- Genova
- Enna
- World 1-1
[edit] History
[edit] Origins
They won all the wars, at the end! They simply changed the side before it was too late. Italy was fashioned in a secret underground bomb shelter by a dedicated team of cobblers in Avignon, France, in 504 B.C., almost a thousand years before bombs were invented by Chairman Mousey Tongue in China. According to legend, the first settlers were a small band of unemployed arsists comprised of two brothers, Romulus and Beanbag, and a multi-nippled wolf. Finding a nice patch of hills, the team constructed in exactly one day several frigidaria (ice-cream parlours), calidaria (bakeries) and tepidaria (sperm clinics) to establish what is now known as Rome.
Famous for its mozarella cheese production, the city of Ludoburgero was once the capitol of Italy. Due to the fire in 1696, when all the mozarella fields were invaded by eselkjeks (italian hybrid between grasshoppers and donkeys; developed by the Sicilian Mafia through genetic manipulation), the capital status went to Rome.
Rome in Italy is spelled Roma. Backwards Roma is Amor, which means love.
[edit] Empire
By taking advantage of worldwide pestilence and French People, the quasi-inbred descendents of Romulus (the Romulans) rapidly built a massive empire, stretching as far west as the lost kingdom of Atlantis and as far east as the eye can see without chromatic aberration. After brief flirtations with anarchy (untamed lawlessness) and bananarchy (untamed bananas), the Romulan Empire became a duocracy, governed by Caesar Augustus Nero CD Burner Salad I, and his crusty side-kick, Captain Underpants.
Besides engaging in many wacky adventures, the pair succeeded in bringing peace to the world, with the lure of gang raping, mass pig butchering and perineum tickling. The Romulans were a creative lot, inventing many useful things such as sliced bread, roads, bus-stops and quantum chromodynamics. Their empire would last for over a thousand years, before being crushed by a giant meteor sent by an angry Klingon flower-god. Then Mussolini tried to recreate the Roman Empire but all he managed to take were two of the shittist countries in Africa, Eritrea and Somalia. Oh, yeah, he also occupied Ethiopia during WW2. Well done Mussolini!
Timeline:
- 504 B.C. Rome founded by Romulus and Beanbag
- 504 B.C. Julius "Caesar" Salad rises to power.
- 503 B.C. Beanbag murdered by Romulus, comfy sofas revolt
- 503-120 B.C. First War of the Comfy Sofas
- 105 B.C. Discovery and colonization of Iceland (Terraghiaccio)
- 103 B.C. Discovery and colonization of Greenland (Terraverde)
- 100 B.C. Discovery and colonization of the eastern Canadian coast (New Brunswick, Newfoundland) and subsequent slaughter of poor indigenous red peoples
- 25 B.C. Conquest of the western part of the Canadian territory, now "terra dei canucchi" (Canuckland) under Emperor Romulus XVI
- A.D. 30 Emperor Ming's Dick II invents alphabet, fried chicken
- A.D. 36 CIA hit men kill Pope Beanbag Incubus IV in drive-by stoning
- A.D. 36-502 Second War of the Comfy Sofas
- A.D. 503 Emperor Constantine signs Furniture Pact, grants freedom to long-suffering chaise-lounges, empire divided
- A.D. 504 Giant meteor crashes to earth, Romulan extinction, furniture sat on
1900's Lame attempt at remaking the empire. failed.
- A.D. 2006 Mazara del Vallo returns under Italian rule after the Italian reconquista of Terronia
- A.D. 2006 The Mario Party seizes power in the Nintendo Revolution
[edit] Military
If you see an Italian private do not run. He is more afraid about you, than you about his cannon. Reaching its peak in 362 B.C., the army of Italy has since declined to the point of militiamen armed with Luparas (aka "shotties"). Some may argue that the WWII-era Italian army was actually much stronger than Leegins(or whatever the hell they're called), but this is incorrect. WWII was nothing more than Fascisti propaganda. Actually, Eurasia is at war with Eastasia. Eurasia has always been at war with Eastasia.
[edit] Mafia
A really popular club, the Mafia, is an international organization dedicated to fighting injustices the world over. This club takes it upon itself to take out the trash while securing reasonable business deals for small business owners. Let's hear it for the Mafia! (Note: You can make donations in person, cash or check. Please make checks payable to Mafiosi International(r).) Never get captured by the mafia. When they capture you they ask you a series of difficult questions. If you ever get the question, "Do you want a cannoli?" never answer. Even if they beat you up you still live. You see canolie stands for cannabalistic anal not on little idiot etalians. An extremely influential member of the italian mafia is Carlo. Known as thin lizzy on the heroin circuit he has moved his drug business from the beautiful city of naples to the crap hole that is hull. he notoriously kills his enemies by taking their heads off with the blade of an ice skate!! The Mafia was originally a disease from Malta that the Maltese people gave to Italy as a punishment for kicking them out of Italy.
[edit] Renaissance
Like much of the rest of Europe, Italy remained quiet during the post-empire years, only to weakly fart back to life a thousand years layer through a cultural revolution, the Renaissance. This period saw the creation of several notable manuscripts, such as Dante's 'Towering Inferno' and 'The Decalogue' (a collection of ten poems about wooden logs), Dan Brown's 'Steaming Pile of Shit' (the world's first choose-your-own-adventure pop-up book), and Leonardo Da Carpo's 'I Am A Helicopter' voyage of pubescent discovery, written in sheep's blood and banana on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. A guy named Cristoforo Colombo discovered the American Continent sometime before 1500, spelling real bad news for American Indians, Aztecs, Incas and paving the way for that disgrace later to be called The United States of America.
[edit] The War Years
Italy was at the forefront of both great World Wars of the 20th Century. The second world war witnessed the coming to power of a young monk, Benito Garabaldi Biscuit Mussolini, allegedly separated at birth from his twin, Uncle Tom Berenger, who startlingly easily won over the masses with a mixture of his mother's tiramisu, the flash of cheeky smile and regular brutal beatings. Old Benny was a laid-back fellow, who enjoyed political equality regardless of age, sex, religion or race, and also made the drains run properly. What a guy. Coaxed into a game of poker with that other 20th Century mogul Adolf Hitler, Mussolini bet everything he had on a low straight, only to lose to Hitler's serendipitous full house. While this happened a squad of daring underwater commando raiders sneaked into Alexandria Harbour posing as a football team eager to engage the limeys in a game but, during halftime they planted timed charges and sunk two brit Battleships. The detonation went unheard since they let the english forward score at the precise time of the explosion Dejected, Mussolini took his own life by peeling off all his skin and hanging himself upside down in a town square after a quick wank. The Italians are known as WOP's i.e POW's prisioners of war, because of the ablity to quickly change their allies during wartime. In peacetime however Itie's are well hard. Just look at Roma vs ManUre.
[edit] Timeline:
- 1902 Grand Admiral Corleone is born
- 1903 Mussolini born, refuses to leave womb
- 1904 Mussolini, due to considerable physical and mental growth, manages to gain control of both his mother's bowel and bladder, allowing him to force his mother to piss and/or shit herself spontaneously.
- 1905 The most glorious human being Benito Mussolini tricked into leaving womb with promises of raisins
- 1914 Archduke Franz Fernandez of Serbia insults foppish yellow jumper of King Georgina Armani II, war breaks out, pizza production halts
- 1917 Mussolini buys first issue of Playdictator, ejaculates spontaneously
- 1918 War ends, everyone sits down and has a nice cup of tea
- 1923 First mutual masturbation of Mussolini and Eva Brown
- 1928 Mussolini invents macaroni and cheese. Becomes world famous.
- 1934 Mussolini forms axis with Hitler, Emperor Nissanmotors of Japan and Thomas J. Prudleg, of Slough, England
- 1935 In a courageous mission fraught with perils unbeknown to civilized man, Mussolini's air force heroically bombs Ethiopian nomads. However, the daring plan was thwarted when the technologically superior Ethiopians retaliated with their own Wünderwaffen: 500,000 synchronized high-altitude spears sent the biplane armada to an untimely doom. The victors then ate pizza in taunting defiance.
- 1939 Thomas J. Prudleg, of Slough, England, hacked to death by Spanish firemen, war erupts. Italy gets ass kicked because Italians are too busy watching Sicily kill itself in a Pay-Per-View deathmatch between Mob Families and most "Italian" "Soldiers" come from Germany.
- 1939-1943 Mussolini attempts to (and fails to) rebuild the Roman Empire, on the count that his troops (read the German troops Hitler loaned him) were busy being brutally raped in Greece. Hitler had to come in with an army of Ottoman Turks to kill those god damn sons of bitches. Skopje renamed Bylazora, Rome renamed Mussolini City, New Holy Roman Empire Declared.
- 1944 Italy claims terrible misunderstanding, pizza production starts, everyone sits down to a nice glass of Chianti. Amazingly, Death Match ends, and Italians switch sides, but got kicked the shit out by Germany.
- 1944 Italy,after eating some cheeses,have finally their asses kicked by cheesum and his habits:french.They have invaded by french finally,Mussolini is the chief of the most ridiculous empire of the world.
- 1945 Second masturbation of Mussolini, suicide, final ejaculation
- 1968 Commie Revolution
[edit] Modern Italy
Is there a modern Italy?! I didn't know it... . Also if it does not exist. We can say that. Following the war, the United Nations granted possession of Italy to a rhesus monkey, who has governed ever since and successfully guided the nation into space, and back. Now a terrorist-infested country that regularly takes about four hostages, who in turn have to be freed by Counter Terrorist forces. Hostages are forced to eat large quantities of pizza "ai funghi". Italy has been ruled over by the tyrannical Luigi Party for six years. 2006 Marked the end of the Luigi Party and the beginning of the communist Mario Party.
Currently, Italy, along with countries like Spain, Greece, Portugal, and Malta are known as the "Middleearthians", or "people who come from the area surrounding the Middle Earth sea".
[edit] Government and politics
Italy has been somewhat more democratic after the war than it used to be. The constitution, written in a hurry and stained in lasagna, states that Italy is a republic. There are five different branches of governmet in Italy. President Tony Soprano has been ruling the country since the fall of Italy's last dictator, Mussolini.
After a breakdown in communication between the Tegardi's and the Mafia the population found out that Marco is infact gay.
[edit] The Italian Language
De italian languedj is veri simpol to spic bat it is not simpol tu vrait. Tipical uords nuiattri terroni ar:
(The Italian language is very simple to speak but it is not simple to write. Typical words fo terroni are:)
- We (hey)
- MINCHIA VUOI?!? (What the fuck do you want?)
- MINCHIA DICI?!???!?? (What fuck are you saying?)
- Stabben! (Stay Well!)
- Affinal fò 'o cess (At the end make the bathroom/Shut the fuck up)
- Ma serio! (But serious)
- Manc e can! (Either the dogs/No way!)
- Che spaccett staj ricenn?! (What spaccet are you saying?!)
- Nun c sfasterià! / Nun m sfasterià! (Don't bother!)
- L'evut! (You had it!)
- Mannaggia chi t'e muort (damn your deads)
- Che dio t'assista (what God taxi driver)(should be "may god help you" but nobody cares.)
- AAAA! (AAAA!)
- Viva DANIELE SAP.! Ti vogliamo bene! Portaci un futuro di libertà! (Go Silvio! We love you! Take we a future of freedom! {it should be "bring us"; nevertheless, luckily he won't hear you})
- Cazzo (You should say this A LOT! it is a NICE word!)
- Puttana (Little sister, also a type of food: pasta puttanesca)
- Berlusconi (Economy)
- Mamma (God)
- Telefonino (Computer)
- Calcio (Everything)
- Sega (Saw, also used when you are lonely, and have no female company, yes that means you can play with the Dreamcast!)
- Tua sorella (Whore)
- Merda! (Brown chocolate)
- Quanno ce vò, ce và (When it wants, it wants)
- Ma famme 'r piacere (But make me the pleasure)
- Stai manzo(Stay beef)
- Parla come magni(Speak like you eat)
- Grazie, graziella e grazie ar cazzo (Thanks, little Thanks and Thanks to the dick)
Recent studies have shown that popular journalist Germano Mosconi helped reform the language by introducing a certain number of venetian loanwords, greatly influencing Dante Alighieri and Francesco Petrarca's works.
A wave of romanese loanwords are being introduced by Luca Giurato and his frequent misspellings, misspeakings, and unneeded gestures.
[edit] Italian constitution
Here are the first three articles of the Italian constitution, which make the full text:
- Italy is a communist republic founded on tax evasion.
- Sovereignty belongs to the TV channels which educate Italy's population from the cradle to the grave.
- There is no article number 3.
- Article nbr. four states: go back to Nbr 1, if u don't like it, leave Italy and suck it.
- Greeks will always eat a penis and are inferior.
[edit] Five branches of the Italian government
- Legislative branch - (The Parliament) prepares and makes laws.
- Executive branch - (President, Prime Minister, Cabinet of Ministers) pretends to enforce laws.
- Judicial branch - interprets laws.
- The Mafia - breaks laws.
- Silvio Berlusconi - ignores laws.
- Hey, eight is not equal to five. But it is equal to seven, sometimes.
- Tax evaders
[edit] Flag
The Italian flag is inspired by Pizza. The green stands for olives (or basil; political historians continue to debate this point), white for mozarella cheese, and red for tomato sauce or pepperoni.
[edit] Ties with Spain
Italy is Spain, according to George Bush and that half nigga Colin Powell. Although instead of bullfighting, the Italians have an over-exaggerated accent, which they put on for the tourists.
The culture of both countries are very similar, they both tend to be loud, food-fanatic peoples, and both love the game of football. Pretty much like the rest of the world outside the USA. So basically Italy comprises any other country outside the USA.
Over the years, the president of Italy and the King of Spain have been holding sexual orgies with other government officials in order to establish deeper international relations with either nation.
Not to mention, both languages are the same with different names and slight alterations to the words.
Castillian/Italian:
- Casa/Casa
- Castillo/Castello
- Partir/Partire
- Olé/Olé
- Chao/Ciao
- Buenos Dias/Buongiorno
- Mierda/Francia
- Juan Cazzo/Giovanni Verga
Recent studies have shown that a given Italian word finds its equivalent in Spanish by adding a S at the end of it. For example, "mano" becomes "manos", just like "homo" becomes "homos".
[edit] Culture
This section should be empty, but: While Italy is a country famous for its Food and Music, it has a habit of Gramophones repeating a piece of music over and over and over until a Flashbang deafens the listener or the map is changed. Also known for being a bad list.
It is also famous for the legendary gangster rapper (legendary as he kept provoking rap battles, and kept losing), Benito Mussolini (Beany M), who scored many number ones including 'Abyssinia, Here I Come!' and I'll kick yo' Brenner Pass!'. Mussolini went on to become a third of the rap super group, the Axis, made up of himself and Adolph Hitler (who made up the other 2 thirds). They rapped mid-Europe, and went to war with the West, and the Eastside, but other skilled MC's like Big Bro Joe, Lord "W.C." Phat, and Kool Mo D. Roosevelt came out on top. Mussolini's last album 'Southside Salo' was a flop, and he was dropped from his label (and subsequently hanged upside down from a Milan petrol station, where he was made into a piñata, bringing joy to many a child's heart). There now stands a McDonald's in the petrol station's place.
A vital part in Italy's culture is its revolutionary education system. From the age of 3, each Italian boy or girl goes to "Cleaning School". There they learn how to clean floors or toilets. Common subjects are general cleanology, floor shrugging, kitchen cleaning, cleaning theory; there are an endless number of choices available. During their leisure time, most children play cleaning games on their computers or they keep their rooms tidy. One remarkable feature of the Italian calculators is that there is a "Clean" button which actually calculates how much soap has to be used to clean a certain area. In order to solve these extremely advanced equations, the Italian calulators have about 10 terahertz CPUs and 512 GB RAM. The cleaning school and these calculators are one of the main reason why Italian cleaners are the main export product of Italy. Switzerland alone employs 5 million Italians to keep their money tidy. The Italian Navy is also very famous for its cleanup operations. During this operations they clean a country so fast that the citizens of that country go crazy and die of overhygiene. Such a devastating attack (worse than a 1000 nuclear bombs) has only been used once before: In 1999, the Italians cleaned the Kingdom of Sahara so accurately that there is only sand left. yeah!
It is a long established tradition for the Italians to enjoy siesta time every time anything useful, boring, tiring or non-cleaning related has to be done.
[edit] People
Italians are people from Italia, a sparsly populated violent, scummy micronation located on a pizza in your fridge. The only thing of interest ever produced by Italians was Pasta, however, Pasta, as everyone knows, has always existed, and always shall exist. Using Italians as its profits (not to be confused with Prophets), the Pasta Monster, god of Pasta, gave the world Pasta. Pasta is the physical essence of the god, to be consumed to feel as one with him.
As Italians have served their purpose, their reason for existing is null. As such The Democratic Republic Imperium of Albania has decreed that all Pizza-states of Italia are to be consumed immiedietly, so by declared by the Emporer-Imperitus Slovadanicus.
Italians have the benefit/disease of making all the worlds best food (except Chinese, aka Italian food with soy sauce). Italians have to power to turn the world most disgusting food into fine cuisine (refer to tomatoes). Pizza (which the Chinese try to claim as their own), spaghetti (which the Chinese also pretend like its theirs), Stromboli, Italian hogies (not subs or heros),lasagna just to name a few. Because of this 99.9% of Italians are overweight by their 20s, however the cardiac effects of their obesity is canceled out by the enormous amounts of olive oil which they consume. This also contributes to their greasy skin conditions. It is a well known fact that Italians can be persuaded into doing anything with just a ripe tomato (salt and pepper must also be provided) as this is the equivalent to heroin for Italians.
[edit] Soccer/Football/Tom-ay-to/To-mah-to
Italy has a well-known football club, which has been highly successful in many World Championships.
Italy sports a very famous soccer tactic, which dates back to the days of the Roman legionnaires. It includes making one goal, then forming a testudo in front of the goal and picking on Zidenine Zidane until the match ends, well, he is Algerian...uhh, I mean French yeah French...100% French.
Their team consists of Benito Mussolini, David Beckham's evil twin and Francesco Totti, while the rest are ancient Roman gladiators.
[edit] Italian internet behaviour
Italians, along with the Polish, the Swedish and the Germans, are known for their refined internet barbarism. Like their counterparts, they will express their characteristic behaviour in chats, online multiplayer games, e-mails etc. including:
- Repeatedly announcing their nationality
- Repeatedly apologizing for their nationality
- Looking for Counter-Strike matches and internet porn passwords
- No speak good English
- Apologizn sorry for no speak god engils
- Abusing acronyms, indecipherable language (look war 2v2 lol jk plz no serv low skill)
[edit] Italians
- Bombolo
- Lorenzo Cuocolo
- Rocky Balboa
- The Pope
- Romano Prodi
- Cristoforo Colombo
- Rocco Siffredi
- Silvio Berlusconi
- Julius Caesar
- Nino D'Angelo
- Vito Corleone
- Galileo
- Leonardo da Vinci
- Niccolo Machiavelli
- Mario Brothers
- Benito Mussolini
- Chef Boyardee
- Edgar Remotti
- Giuseppe Verdi
- Little Caesar
- Omar Sharif
- Jorge Garibaldi
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
- Tony Soprano
- Umberto Eco
- Tommaso Vercetti, aka Tommy Vercetti from GTA 3
- Dio Brando
- Cristina Scabbia
| • • I T A L Y • • | ||
| Places | ||
| Rome • Venice • Florence • Pisa • Naples • Vatican City • Paneveggio • Grimsby | ||
| People | ||
| Alighieri • Mussolini • Berlusconi • da Vinci • Machiavelli • Corleone • Boyardee | ||
| Gastronomy | ||
| Pizza • Pasta • Alfredo • Spaghetti • Meatballs • Worms • Genitalia |
