Ivan the Terrible, Tsar of All the Russias
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Ivan the Terrible deserves more than one article. Therefore, for an even more Terrible article on Ivan, see Ivan the Terrible. This article is Terrible. It’s about Ivan.
Ivan the Terrible, Grand Prince of Moscow, Tsar of All the Russias, Grand Poobah of Sibera, Fresh Prince of Bel Air was born in 1530 into a Russian royal yet noble family, as the son of Vaseline III. He was the greatest hero for all of Russia ever (except, of course, Great Dear Leader Comrade Joseph Awesomepants Stalin) for defending the helpless peasants from the horrible Tartar Sauce Empire by oppressing them, and executing the evil capitalist conspirators who threatened Ivan’s totalitarian totally terrible rule. His great rule is known as the Reign of Terrible.
Contents |
[edit] Infant and Toddler
When Ivan was an infant, there was nothing for his parents to yet suspect anything Terrible about him, except that he was Terribly colicky at times.
However, Ivan started becoming quite greatfull almost exactly two years afterwards, during the Terrible Twos as European historians would later describe that period of history. He was often quite cranky, and not just when he was colicky. Ivan's father mysteriously died when Ivan was only three years old. Alas, Vaseline III was discovered dead with a baby bottle in his mouth. As a result, Ivan became Tsar of All the Russias (including Ukraine and Belarus) at a youthful three years of age.
[edit] School days
Ivan the schoolboy was not Terribly bright, nor Terribly gifted. He was often teased at school and at summer sports camp, which traumatized him Terribly for the rest of his life. Those who teased him would later find themselves in Siberia.
[edit] Marriage
Ivan’s mother arranged his first marriage. Although Ivan was Terrible, his bride was not Terribly attractive. They were Terrible in bed. In revenge, Ivan successfully plotted the death of his mother. His mother did not survive her death.
Ivan went on to remarry six more times. Suffice it to say that being the Tsar’s matchmaker was a dangerous occupation in those days. Fortunately for his mother (!), though, he did not blame her for those subsequent failed marriages.
[edit] Religion
Orphaned at such an early age, Ivan turned to God for solace; and he (Ivan, that is) became Terribly religious.
During an afternoon stroll in Moscow’s Red Square with his mistress, he noticed that the square, because it was well shaped geometrically, was not Terribly exciting and so he decided to build St. Basil’s Cathedral there. It would be a tribute to God and to his (Ivan’s, that is) dad.
Thousands of peasants were recruited from all over the Russias to help in the construction. They became serfs even before there was Internet in Russia. Most of them died of starvation during the construction as Ivan was a Terrible employer who did not believe in observing employment standards laws enacted by his fictional parliament.
Soon after the cathedral’s construction, cartoon mogul Walt Disney was visiting Moscow and immediately fell in love with the cathedral and its Ivanian stylings. (After all, Ivan wasn’t a Terrible architect.)
Disney decided to build a castle just like St. Basil’s at Disneyland (the centre of Disney’s empire). In a strange twist of fate, people began calling the architecture of Ivan's Moscow cathedral "Disney-esque" which upset Ivan Terribly. In revenge, Ivan successfully launched a sustained series of rapid missile attacks on Disneyland. In the eleventh hour, Ivan had a change of heart and settled with Disney. That’s how Russia ended up receiving Alaska.
[edit] Empire
During his reign, Ivan was often Terribly offended by frequent thoughtless acts of his neighbors. As a result, the Russian Empire rapidly grew in size, prestige and power during the Terrible years. A key factor in the rapidly expanding Russian empire was Ivan's policy of "I don't stand for that shit, nigga!". This period was frequented by mass rape of Former Mongols who had either: Forgotten their horses, sold their horses for vodka or their horses had died.
Ivan's expansion brought much needed jobs to the rooskies, making huge progress in their Nuclear and Cybernetics programs. Ivan had made plans to invade Mongolia itself, however, due to what he referred to as "Fascist lies!" was forced to call off the Rapade (rape+invade).
Ivan the terrible is the only known monarch to Go around the entire country and promote learning and sports, often giving speeches against gang violence and racism. Ivan is well known for the quote "Guns don't make friends, kids. Stay in school."
[edit] Death and Legacy
All Terrible things must come to an end. Ivan died in 1584 while playing chess with a noble. Looking back on it in retrospect, what can we say? Ivan was a Terrible chess-player and lost his king. He was succeeded by his son, who, not quite living up to the Terrible-ness of Ivan, became known as Ivan the Not-Quite-So-Terrible. In tribute to Ivan, chess became the national past-time in Russia; and Russia became the former home of many of the world’s great chess-players, including Peter the Great and Catherine the Great, who, incidentally, lost while mating her knight and queen.
