J. Edgar Hoover
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“Cocksucker!”
~ Richard M. Nixon on J. Edgar Hoover
“If I knew where all the naughty boys lived, I'd... Oh, wait. Wrong article.”
~ Oscar Wilde on J. Edgar Hoover
“I can't believe he wore that dress with those shoes. What a tramp!”
~ Oscar Wilde on J. Edgar Hoover
“He's dead? God, I thought he was immortal!”
~ Richard Nixon on J. Edgar Hoover's Death
John Edgar Hoover (January 1, 1895 – May 2, 1972), was born somewhere in that US place.
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[edit] The Vacuum Cleaner
J. Edgar Hoover is best known for inventing the vaccum cleaner which bears his name. We're not sure whether it's AC or DC, but when you turn it on, it sucks.
Hoover later went on to build the Hoover Dam in order to power his new invention. Popular urban legend has it that he designed and built the dam with his bare hands in less then twelve hours. Unfortunately, he was quickly struck down by God for two reasons: Nature abhors a vacuum, and he broke the Law of Convervation of Energy.
[edit] The FBI
When asked to leave his laboratory to join World War I he promptly told recruiters that he would rather not, as vacuum machines weren't terribly useful there. As a result, President Coolidge promoted him to director of the FBI, where they would be. Unhygiene in the FBI was at its height during this time, and so Hoover promptly ended almost a decade of smell and eyesore.
[edit] The Hoover Dam
Hoover, upon deciding the world had not marvelled at his excellence enough, built the dam single-handedly in one day. The popular success of the dam inspired an ambitious but unscrupulous toaster repairman, Hoobert Heever, to steal J. Edgar's thunder by adopting the name "Herbert Hoover" and claiming he had built it. He claimed it was his gift to America. A grateful public elected him president in 1928, not the first time a candidate won election by pretending he gave a dam for the people.
[edit] The Hoovercraft
When he was not cleansing America of filth, J. Edgar Hoover spent long hours in a laboratory in New Jersey, inventing thousands of other things. His notebooks, which only recently were discovered behind a bricked-in wall in a tunnel under the streets of Chicago by Geraldo Rivera, contained diagrams of hundreds of inventions that were never built. Perhaps the most interesting was the hoovercraft — a toy wagon with four large house fans fixed off to the sides. The house fans were ingeniously powered by 12 hamster running-wheels that were, in turn, connected to generators.
An experimental hoovercraft was constructed well after J. Edgar Hoover's death to see if the design would, in fact fly. Although it briefly left the ground, indicating that the gigantic 12-hamsterpower machine could fly, there is no evidence that Hoover ever built a prototype or ever actually flew a hoovercraft. Nor, for that matter is there any credible evidence that he had more than two or three hamsters in his possession at any one time.
[edit] Death
Sadly, J. Edgar Hoover was unplugged, and never was plugged back in, because, frankly, every thing was way too clean, and nobody cared.
[edit] Quotes
- "What you need is a good Hoovering." -- J. Edgar Hoover to Oscar Wilde
- "I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce." -- J. Edgar Hoover
- "Man, that thing sure can suck!" -- (A sweaty, breathless) J. Edgar Hoover
[edit] References
- Waylon Smithers is based on Jay Hoover.
- He is also on the cover of Count Chocula.
