J. R. R. Tolkien
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“I am in fact a hobbit in all but size.”
“I knew Tolkien in the biblical sense: on his knees. I taught him how to harness fire and rule the oranges.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Tolkien
“Theirs always one everywhere except in my books”
~ Tolkien on Tokens
Famous director, author, actor, politician, biologist and hockey player (as well as frequent mentor to Batman's younger cousin Manbat), J.R.R.S.F.B.A.B.C.D.E.F.X.Y.Z.T. (John Ronald Reagan Such a Frickin' Bitch-Ass Bitch Cuz Don't Even Forget Xylophone Yurie Zauron Tolkien) Tolkien is the historian who discovered that the true history of the earth was being covered up by the world's governments, who did not want the general population to know of the existence of dragons, elves, hobbits, magic, etc, in order to maintain control over their people.
Tolkien's greatest invention was fantasy. Nobody had ever thought of such a concept before. The idea is that by using imagination without dreaming, you may actually think of something that is not of this world. It's a bit like masturbation, really.
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[edit] Literature
He is credited with co-writing The Bible, the Yellow Pages, and The Book of Mormon.
His written work is characterized by disputes over the ownership of jewelry, and the hand injuries that occur as a result.
His most famous work to date was adapting Peter Jackson's great Lord of the Things trilogy (which later became Lord of the Rings) to the written word. His direction, and portrayals of Gollum and Sméagol earned him several Oscars. In fact Tolkien did not come up with one single original idea at all. The work was totally derivative, unlike Eragon, which Tolkien also stole from.
Tolkien chronicled the history he discovered in the three volume set titled 'Lord of the Rings' but was unable to finish the fourth volume where he reveals that the Dark Lord did not perish when the ring was destroyed in the fires of Mount Doom, but hid for a number of years before inventing a religion soon after man emerged from Middle-earth to regular Earth called Scientology which predated Judaism by ninety billion googol years, Christianity by eleventy trillion, and Islam by one, and changing his name to L. Ron Hubbard (which later pretended dead and came back as Hitler, and later as Britney Spears, and soon after as Bill Clinton) as a way to control and subvert the people of middle earth.
He was instead assassinated by those same guys in the red fez hats from 'Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade', which some suspect now to be members of the Nazgul - or more accurately, the Fezgul.
Tolkien's second most famous work was the The Tao of Pooh. He was also an authority on White Anglo-Saxon Pagans, and authored a book called The Joy of Seax.
He can also be mistaken for his older brother D.D.R Tolkien. Some have claimed that he also founded DNA, the Dyslexic National Association, but this claim cannot be substantiated at this time. Tolkien is also credited with inventing German, and writing its greatest piece of literature, The Great Gatsby, which was first published in Spring 2001. Tolkien was also known for taking cat form every 9th Wednesday of the month, much like his younger brother and famous writer John Milton.
Later, Tolkien reinvented himself as a lion by the name of Aslan and got a boy who was named Simba. The rest is history.
“Gimme fiddy pee for more precioussssssss”
~ J.R.R. Tolkien on set, jonesing
[edit] Accomplishments
- Ate a lot of corn and peas.
- While masquerading as a woman, wrote the Harry Potter trilogy which Junichiro Koizumi ripped off to do his anime series Naruto.
- Almost succeeded in suing Junichiro Koizumi, but got fucking killed by Steve Ballmer outside the courthouse.
- Served as Governator of Mexifornia from 1994 to 1998.
- Co-starred with F. Murray Abraham and Arnold Schwarzenegger in Robert's Rules of Order: The Movie
- Participated in the War of the Jewels in the first age of the sun along with legendary war hero Kurt Cobain. Along the way he betrothed his highschool sweet heart Anne Frank and completely eradicated all leprosy in Madagascar. It is because of Ms. Frank's altruism to the lepers that she was nominated and elected to be Mrs. Holocaust.
- Sewed (and chose the colors for) the first flag ever flown in Uzbekistan.
- Became the prince of the roman empire and later killed jesus.
- Founded the science of entymology.
- Studied kelp throughout his entire life.
- Directed Shadowlands and almost won an Oscar, but lost to a chicken.
- Bitch-slapped Christopher Paolini for plagiarism.
- Had frequent drinking competitions with his friend C.S. Lewis. He always won.
[edit] Jerk Tolkien
It is traditional for undergraduates at Oxford University to celebrate St. Wystan’s Day by digging up Tolkien’s corpse. The cadaver is seasoned with allspice, peppers, cloves, cinnamon, nutmeg and thyme, roasted over an open fire, and eaten. The bones are replaced in the grave to grow fresh meat for the next drunken binge.
[edit] Saruman Controversy
Gifted by God with great wisdom, Saruman was kicked in the testicles by Gandalf in a jealous rage. Tolkien only saw Saruman physically assaulting Gandalf, and began to write the history of Saruman based on false assumptions.
[edit] Trivia
- He was also reputed to be the head of a secret society of monarchists who use film to undermine democracy and return the West to the Dark Ages. This secret order is called The Royal Society for Counter-Strike revolution.
- It took Tolkien 86 years to write The Lord of the Rings because initially it was written as a series of 2,056,543 haikus.
- He was born in South Africa, but left because it was crap.
- He is actually a Transformer. Except when he transforms he turns into a wheelie bin. Except on Wednesday.
- He is known as "The Georgia O'Keefe of Literature". This is due to Sauron, whose obvious resemblance to the female genitalia is unmistakable. He has vehemently denied this from the start, but its pretty obvious.
- He was best friends with Hannibal Lecter.
- His wife, Edit, was a Wikipedia admin.
[edit] See Also
Barmy British Stuff 
