Jack Bauer
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
He likes it more than he does with most others, therefore, You must also like this page too or Chuck WILL kill you with a roundhouse kick to the face. He will because he can. So show some respect to this page or Chuck will Fuck you up
| This article contains scenes of violence and mature subject matter. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED |
| Egh, this article may be Overly Spartan. Persians may not be able to travel to Greece, only die. Or may only be kicked into a pit by Leonidas or slaughtered by Kratos. Don't change a thing to remedy this. |
| The following takes place between 6:00AM and 7:00AM. |
 The following should be read in real time |
Born on the 31st of February 4000 BC (Immortal fool!!), Jack Fucking Bauer is America's finest counter-terrorist special agent, anti-sleep activist, Human Rights Professor at UCLA, all-round person you don't want to piss off, and a hero to many conservative Republicans even though the actor playing him is a self proclaimed Communist. A regular GNU/Linux user, as of Season 6, he is also a vampire (see Episode 1 to see Jack eat for the first time in 9 years (he has yet to take a shit and a shower!), and also Episode 16 to see Jack hunt down a One-Armed Terrorist just by following his blood trail).
Contents |
[edit] Early Life
Jack Bauer was born in a hospital in Los Angeles. This hospital, when torn down, would become CTU headquarters. Jack Bauer's first words were "Son of a bitch!" after the doctor slapped him. Jack was talking only a few minutes out of the womb- and then it was the terrorists who were talking.
Jack Bauer was sent to school at Peninsula School, the best fucking school in existance. Known for its freedom, this was the environment Jack Bauer needed. Jack Bauer had the freedom to shoot anybody he wanted. In a game of "Jack and Terrorists" (Jack Bauer's version of "Cops and Robbers", Jack Bauer tortured his first victim. It was the best moment of his life.
Jack Bauer went on to star in several school plays over the course of middle school. He won the recognition of his peers (Or as close as you can get to a peer when you're talking about Jack Bauer) with his role as Kiefer Sutherland. He got high marks on his test scores, mostly because he tortured the teachers into giving him the information he needed.
In High School, Jack Bauer got half the female population preganant on the first day. The other half were ugly. It was one of these pregnant women, Nina Meyers, who would form a bitter grudge against Jack. On weekends, Jack and one of his friends, Edgar, would shoot hoops and get ice cream together. Later, they'd prank call a girl named Chloe, only to have her trace the call, call them back and tell them to "grow up". What a nerd. Jack Bauer then invented *67.
Jack Bauer got a perfect score on his SATs (See trivia). He graduated at the top of his class and was then employed at CTU along with many of his classmates. He fathered Kim Bauer. While this is seen as illogical, given Kim's relative idiocy, one must simply compare her to Maya, the daughter of Erin Driscoll (One of the women Jack had no contact with). Convinced?
[edit] Current goings on
Bauer has been framed by an evil alliance of George W. Bush, Osama Bin Laden, Adolf Hitler, Eric Cartman, Steve Bartman, Dr. Doom, Betty Crocker, and Chuck Cunningham. Police paid off by this cadre of destruction paid off SWAT team members to pull over Bauer and empty several canisters of mace, as well as unload 27 taser guns into him, and claim he had been drunk driving. This is, of course, a steaming pile of bullshit because Jack Bauer doesn't get drunk, alcohol gets Bauered. After the loss of 37 assorted SWAT team members, FBI agents and air marshalls, Bauer was finally apprehended using the age-old method of dropping a bridge on him. Bauer has since been incarcerated but is planning an intricate escape using paperclips, rubberbands, chewing gum, and a toilet seat. Macguyver and Black Batman are rumored to be aiding Bauer's escape by sneaking plans to him using shaved guinea pigs sent through the sewer lines with notes jammed up their asses. The funny thing is, Jack Bauer can escape any time he wants. He's just biding his time, preparing for an all-out attack on the organization of evil that put him behind bars.
Hey O
Currently in his spare time, he is torturing anything and anyone for information that he can put on wikipedia. He also tortures information off wikipedia and it is believed that is the reason why George Bush is still alive today.
06:06:06
|
See his ad here. http://video.dotcomedy.com/player/?id=71734
[edit] Future Projects
- A Mastercard and Capital One ad.
- An "Interrogation for Dummies" book.
- Force the Pope to canonize Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, Jim Henson and James Earl Jones as saints of the Roman Catholic church.
Create a cocktail called 'the Jack Bauer' that distills the entire Jack Bauer experience into a five-ounce drink.Done in 2006- Ingredients: three shots of Jack Daniel's, a shot of kerosene and four shots of tequila mixed with ice and a hint of lime.
- If anyone other than Jack Bauer requests a Jack Bauer at a bar they will receive: a bullet to the face.
- A reality show, entitled "You're Out of Time!!", in which contestants will most certainly end up with gun shots to the face.
- A second reality show as a spin-off entitled "Give him 5 cc's!" it would be much more like fear factor, but deadlier.
- Portugese Police currently wish to hire Jack Bauer to find Madeline McCann. It is hoped that by using his ultimate interrogation skills on Kate and Gerry McCann he can finally torture the whereabouts of missing Maddie from them.
(Note that none of these will ever get done. There is no time for them.)
[edit] Iron Bauer
Tune in Jan. 8th to see the 101 fun ways you can use a corkscrew.
A show to begin airing on the Food network for the fall 2007 season. During his stay in China, he will be attending a famous Szechuan cooking school. Jack Bauer will graduate at the top of his class, in part to his excellent cooking skills, and the fact he's shot all other members of the class who cook better than him.
On his new show, Jack will be featuring various dishes he has picked up from his world travels in the Counter Terrorism Unit. Such dishes will include grilled goat kebabs he tried while in Uzbekistan, California fish tacos, and other tasty treats. He'll also show you exciting new uses for everyday kitchen utensils in the areas of torturing and interrogating terrorism suspects .
His show will also include the feature "Force-feed the PETA member", a five-minute section where a randomly-selected guest from the audience spins a wheel full of various meat-dishes, and the chosen dish will then be force-fed to the PETA member personally by Jack Bauer.
Future guests will include:
- Martha Stewart, who will demonstrate a couple of dishes you can create from prison food from the comfort of your cell.
- Richard Nixon, who will be baking pastries and kicking hippies with Jack Bauer
- Mel Gibson and his famous Australian kosher dishes.
- Hugo Chavez, Who will showcase for the world, his amazing talent at making chicken-pot-pie while juggling exactly: 1 fork, a copy of the Mona Lisa, the entire 24 hours of 24 season 2, a pair of chopsticks, a buffalo skull and a poetry book while singing the Norwedgian national anthem.
- PFC Lyndie England, who'll demonstrate various pork-dishes used in questioning suspects at Abu Ghraib, including her famous 'Hobo-town trailer trash Bacon Gristle'.
[edit] Home Interrogation, the Jack Bauer Method
In 2010, Jack Bauer will appear on a late-night infomercial offering a new Young-inventors kit for: do-it-yourself home torture and interrogation. Developed by his close friend Sayid, Bauer guarantees excellency and outstanding performance regarding the machine. "This mach... WAIT! THERE'S NO TIME!"
[edit] How to survive Jack Bauer
“Don't.”
~ The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy on how to survive Jack Bauer
Cultural Anthropological experts estimate that out of the 1,337.47 people to have interacted with Bauer, roughly -542.5 (don't ask) have survived. Many books have been written on how to increase one's chances of not dying when encountering Bauer. Initial strategies included the good old duck and cover, kiss and run, pretend you need to go to the toilet and if I can't see you, you can't see me. All of these have proved ineffective. A little known fact about chances of survival upon meeting Jack Bauer can be summed up by Newton's fourth law of motion: Persons encountering Jack may be summed up as the sum of four parts: 1, that that person has now entered a state of constant fear. 2. that the persons involved has already received the grossly unequal reaction top their action. 3, that the person in question has let loose a stream of urin (dictated by the equation F=ma) the force of which may result in a total disintigration of the trousers. And 4, that the individual will suddently and irrivocable obtain a belief in god.
With the improvement in computer power, many human lives have been saved by running simulations on how to survive instead of sending interns to test theories.
Here are the top strategies given by experts today:
- Talk. You know you are going to eventually and the sooner you start the more unbroken fingers you will have afterwards. Go ahead and tell him who hired you, where you hid the gas canisters, that you cry after ejaculating and that sometimes you just need someone to tell you that you are special.
- Kill yourself. Numerous people have found that carrying a cyanide pill at all times increases your chances of not dying.
- Talk. We can't stress this enough. If you really don't know make something up. Tell him you are working for Bill Gates or that your ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend has the access codes.
- Lie that you date his daughter -- but this only helps in the short run.
- Claim that you don't speak English. Bauer will have to wait for a translator, giving you precious minutes to take that cyanide pill. Unless it is one of the many lanuages he speaks, in which case your screwed
- Talk. Once again, tell him the disarm codes, tell him where the bombs are, who the mole is, who you're working for. Exclaim loudly after telling Bauer anything that there is NO TIME. Bauer will leave immediatly, thus allowing you to take that suicide pill.
06:35:20
|
[edit] Hobbies
Jack spends a lot of time on his work (sometimes 24 hours to the minute), but he does have a few hobbies during his time off.
- Go to Persia. All he needs is a one man army to vaporize 1,000,000 Persian army. 300 should've been '1'.
- Playing Turbo Texas Hold'em. Bauer is credited as being excellent at reading his opponents, sometimes using just a 9mm.
- Plays nuclear football for Luton.
- Knitting (Jack Bauer's code word for killing) and sewing (Jack's code word for torture)
- Pursuing a level of physical fitness achieved only by the gods with which to challenge Chuck Norris for his throne on Mt. Olympus
- Torturing and interrogating washing machines to find out what they do with the missing socks.
- Catching up on bath room visits that he does not have time for in the 24 series.
- Rescuing his daughter Kim from yet another "boyfriend" who turns out to be a terrorist/psychopath/druggie/woman/Ren/Mike Cobb.
- Not sleeping or using a bathroom
- Reviewing the previous week's episode of 24.
- Walking up to random people and saying "Previously on 24...". If the person isn't sure what Jack means, Jack takes them back to his house to "knit" and "sew," but not in that order.
- Playing Resident Evil 4, as his son Leon Kennedy, and taking pleasure in killing Ramon Salazar (suprisingly, there's a villain with the same name on 24, that must be why) again...and again...and again...(Get the idea?)
- Torturing his television until it gives up the location of the remote.
- Standing in front of the microwave waiting for his popcorn to cook yelling: "THERE'S NO TIME!"
06:47:55
|
- Jack spends a lot of time reading, some of his current books include "Opening sockets: for Dummies" and "How to re-position satillietes".
- Jack is also writing a follow up to his book "Son of a Bitch: How to ensure time efficient interrogation" (2004) with "Get me a Hacksaw", a book that Jack reports "is aimed at a more domesticated market, aiming to utilise everyday items into the most efficient of interrogations"
- Torturing his dog to find out where his slippers went.
[edit] Copy Cat Jack Bauers
One well known copy cat Jack Bauer is Eugene Bauer. A family man from London who has legally changed his name to mimic his idol. Another copy cat is the long revered Chuck Norris. Rumours have spread that Norris has diminished in fame and funniness due to crappy jokes about him and thus, has decided to take over Jack Bauer, being that Bauer is so much more cooler then Norris. Hail Bauer! Death to Norris!
[edit] Jack Bauer, The STREET!
There were plans for a street to be named after Jack Bauer, (Jack Bauer Street), however, these plans had to be destroyed, due to the fact that people crossing the street would be struck down immediately.
In the records of LA, there has to be a reason for the plans to be scrapped. In this record the reason written was :
"No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives."
[edit] Death
Well being Jack Bauer he can't exactly die. But while you wait for your death you can tremble in fear and piss yourself.
His death has been scheduled by Hades to be 7th April 2011. Hades will die on 6th April 2011 .
[edit] Jack Bauer Quotes
“My name is JACK BAUER! I am a FEDERAL PIZZA DELIVERY BOY! The PRESIDENT of the UNITED STATES ordered this pizza 29 MINUTES AGO! DON'T GET IN MY WAY!”
~ Jack Bauer on a Secret Service Agent who had the nerve to ask "What's in the box, buddy?"
“Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it!!”
~ Jack Bauer on Audrey
“Sonovabitch”
~ Jack Bauer on Nearly Everything
“You're going to have to trust me!!!”
~ Jack Bauer on Everything Untrustworthy
“Who are you again?”
~ Captain Oblivious on Jack Bauer
“You're running out of time!!”
~ Jack Bauer on Teri Bauer at the end of Day 1.
“Wait a minute. . what the FUCK is 24?”
~ Beethoven on 24
“I have to go to the bathroom... But theres no time!”
~ Jack Bauer on His daily life
“Give me a Big Mac now or I'll shoot you!!”
~ Jack Bauer on Burger King worker
“Previously on 24”
~ Jack Bauer on When asked how his day is going.
“There's no time!!”
~ Jack Bauer on pulling out.
“Where is the bomb!?!?”
~ Jack Bauer on random people he encounters.
“My kneecap!”
~ Everyone on Jack Bauer after meeting him for the first time.
“WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING 'AAAAAAAAAA!' FOR!?! IS IT BECAUSE I KILLED YOUR PARTNER BRUTALLY!?! IS THAT IT!?!”
~ Jack Bauer on a science geek who happens to make a project
“Why the hell won't Kim die!!!”
~ Curtis on Jack Bauer
“That's not where I put my shoes”
~ Jack Bauer on finding his shoes
“I HAVE FINALLY DEFEATED CHUCK NORRIS!!!”
~ Jack Bauer on the defeat of Chuck Norris
[edit] Trivia
- Jack Bauer is rumored to be the biological father of the late magician and escape artist Harry Houdini.
- Dr Brian Bakon Bauer, Jack's younger brother, was the inventor of the Lean Mean Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine. sadly he was poisoned by George Foreman shortly after this breakthrough. George Foreman was so proud of Brian's invention, he put his name on it.
- Jack Bauer became close friends with Patrick Swayze after they sat together during their first potions class at Hogwarts.
- When Kim lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
- Every time Jack Bauer misses a shot, he was actually shooting at a terrorist twelve miles away.
- Jack Bauer fucking ripped a man's throat out with his teeth while being held captive. (Note: This really happened.)
- Withholding information from Jack Bauer was classified as a suicide attempt by the Supreme Court during Day 4
- Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
- If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
- If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
- On his SATs, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got a perfect score. Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
- Jack Bauer broke into the Russian Consulate and got captured because he thought it would be fun to compare Russian prisons with Chinese prisons.
- The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.
- Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
- Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
- There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since 24 aired in the Middle East
- When Jack Bauer runs out of ammo, he catches bullets in his chest and uses them to reload.
- Gredanko cut off his own arm rather than face Jack Bauer again. (Note: This really happened)
- It took Jesus 3 days to return from the dead. It took Jack Bauer 20 minutes- and he's done it twice. (Note: This really happened)
- Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
- When the president runs out of options, he tells his Chief of Staff to "Get Jack Bauer on the line".
- Jack Bauer's favorite color is terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but only because it sounds like violent.
- "Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm fucked".
- Scientology was based on a mad lib Jack Bauer filled out when he was drunk.
- Jack Bauer, as of the movie trailer, has killed more people than he's spoken to.
- Jack Bauer tortured somebody with a normal bathroom towel. (Note: This really happened)
[edit] See also
- 24 (television show)
- 48 (television show)
- 24 The Movie
- CTU
- National Try To Assassinate The President Day
- How to be stupid and not just funny
- Adam Sessler
| 06:59:58 |
| 06:59:59 |
| ___________ |
