Jack Black
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“Jack's voice then be gold!!”
~ Kyle Gass on JB
“King of kings! And KG is the Queen of queens, in a good way”
~ Mustafa Kamal on Jables
“Jack once ate a coconut shell”
“To find your fame and fortune, Through the valley you must walk. You will face your inner demons. Now go my son and rock!”
“Motherfucker ain't even really black! What the fuck!”
“Now there's a nigger me?”
~ Jack White on Racism
“Wait, I don't get it. Is this one of those Michael Jackson deals? I don't like Michael Jackson...”
~ Dick Cheney on what he does and does not want in his country
Jack Black is (along with K.G) rock in pure living form.
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[edit] Career
Jack Black gained access to millions of movie goers hearts by throwing his weight around and being mentally handicapped. He was born in the small town of Kikapoo, Missouri, to a highly religious family before moving to Somalia to start a smoothie shop. He not only makes eye-brow based funny-fat-guy faces, but at the premier of his first movie, he gave away real pieces of fat torn off of his stomach by trained circus ants. These fat chunks were wrapped in foil and plastic wrap to keep them from decaying back into the dark oozing liquid Black is made of (Hence the name Black). These fat gifts were used to keep the movie viewers entertained during the trailers. Unfortunately, this ingenious ploy did not work, as the fat gained sentience and, recognizing Black as its source and maker, tried to escape the foil and plastic wrapping to find enlightenment. During the fat's rush to Nirvana, the carpet and ceiling of every cinema in existence was covered liberally with partially decayed fat-ooze. Through a time warp, the mass of fat, now sporting many eyes, inspired H. P. Lovecraft's shoggoths.
Some people think that Black is a mystical wishgiving cat, but it's clearly obvious he is in fact a goat. A magical goat that has the power to cure any disease in the world. Even chicken pox. Jack black was actually black in his childhood. But after seeing what plastic surgery can do (Michael Jackson) he decided to try it for himself. His true father is Samuel L. Blackson. Jack Black is also known as the possesser of the Infinity Gauntlet.
A form of this fat has been tamed using positive reenforcement and cleaning fluid and is being marketed as hair gel. Other forms include plastic, certain metals, Michael Jackson's nose, silicone, polyester, rayon, Michael Jackson's body, Jessica Simpson's brain, the Flood, Michael Jackson's face, and cylons. He bought a Electric Guitare from Maxlam and sell it back to a man who playing runescape for a lot of pencils.
The remainder of the fat that had not been reduced to dark ooze was used to create the Creature Creation Agencies through which the fat would be trained into assuming the shape of animals or animal hybrids.
Since the fat-shoggoth incident, Jack Black has achieved godly status among 3 billion people of the world. He is so loved, in fact, that China changed its name from China to Jackblackoplis. His eyebrows, having achieved some sort of sentience, have helped Black take control of millions of minds.
Recently Jack Black took over the Torchwood 3 institute over the Cardiff Time Rift and now is the self-proclaimed captain of a team that protects the Welsh from evil aliens while having sex with everything that moves, only then to be fired shortly after for not being bisexual, immortal, already dead or even a human.
Black is immortal and was responsible for the conception of Jesus Christ.
[edit] Acting Style
Jack Black's acting style is similar to that of Jim Carrey if he was dropped on his head while smoking pot and listening to AC/DC. The central premise of most of Jack Black's characters centre around several requirements.
- The Character must possess street smarts, but lack common sense and self-restraint
- The Character must be fat and loud
- The Character must be "kooky" in a family-movie kind of way
- The Character must be selfish
- The Character must wear a flanelette shirt at some point
- (optional, but recommended) The Character must be obsessed with classic rock, and express this in loud, unprovoked outbursts, usually consisting of a single yelled word, namely "RAWK!"
- (optional, but recommended) The Character must call everyone a "dude," even when they are clearly not.
JACK BLACK = BEST ACTOR EVAR.
[edit] Childhood
The alien liquid that makes up Jack Black did go through a juvenile state in order to form into its current guise. The exact course of this development stage is unknown, but it is said to involve the sacrifice of twelve and a half virgin hookers during a total solar eclipse. Needless to say, the foundation of Jack Black is far older than his (if it has a gender) guise would like us to believe.
Recently, Scientists have found the formula for the original liquid, allowing them to create more entities akin to Jack Black. This has spawned sub-godly actors like Samuel Jackson, Morgan Freeman, and Conan O'Brien. After this was discovered, scientists began an intensive study of the fluid, and found that it cures cancer and every disease known to mankind.
The part of the liquid containing all the talent separated and became Jack White. However, White missed the untalentedness of Black and so formed The White Stripes with Meg White. However apparently Jack Black and Jack White are planning to unite The White Stripes and Tenacious D as The Black and White Stripes. They will record the soundtrack album for the upcoming Postman Pat live action film, staring Nicholas Cage as Postman Pat. Black has already won the coveted role of Pat, whilst White has been lined up to play the Reverend Timms.
[edit] Secret Marihuana Hideout
Many have asked him this question, but he always denies it's existence. but recent research from Harvad scientists concluded that iit's located in the middle of the atalantic ocean under the boat to the right, there is a chest whch contains 7,00608028725/8869
