Jack Daniel's
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“So, is there a Mrs. Daniels?â€
“Did you have to shape the bottle like a dick, Jack?â€
~ Atilla the Hun on Jack Daniel's Kentuckistan Bourbon #258
Jack Daniel's is considered to be the greatest magician ever to exist and is widely attributed to being the personification of everything within humanity that is worth living for. He is married to popular slag Debbi MaGee.
Jack Daniel's was a greengrocer for much of his life, hence the apostrophe in his name.
The first record of his existence came from the dawn of time, where it was recorded that he had anal sex with every human being until 5000BC, when ugliness was invented by Michael Jackson.
In 1912, Jack Daniel's held the position of secretary of defense for every country on Earth. This period, known as the Summer of Love was voted the best period ever in a recent BBC poll.
Jack Daniel's, along with Vladimir Lenin invented alcohol during a bum sex session, which rapidly became popular on either side of the Iron Curtain, (and every other curtain).
Contents |
[edit] Childhood
Contrary to popular belief, Jack Daniel's, or "The Good Stuff" as his friends like to call him, was born to a blind woman and a drunk paraplegic somewhere outside the town of Barstow. As a child Jack suffered countless years of mental and physical abuse after being mistaken for Jeff Daniels. You know, that guy in that movie about those spipers.
[edit] College Life and the Birth of Binge Drinking
At the age of 18, Jack discovered that he had an infinite tolerance for all alcoholic beverages. Not only that, but it turns out that Whiskey coarses through his veins. He owned every roommate in college and is a nine time beer pong champion of the world. Scholars have disputed for years whether or not Jack Daniel's has ever been sober, but little progress has been made. It has been proven that Jack did in fact invent binge drinking while studying for a Chem final his junior year.
[edit] Interesting Facts
- Captain Morgan, Jose Cuervo, and Jim Bean are the only 3 people in the world that know Jack Daniel's's middle name.
- These 3 individuals are also in a gardening club with Jack Daniel's.
- Jack Daniel's's favorite movie is Maid in Manhatten.
- Besides alcohol, Jack Daniel's also created Crest toothpaste.
- Jack Daniel's invented Johnathon Walker, who inturn invented the horse, who inturn invented Johnnie Walker Scotch as a tribute to Jonathon, which was inturn made into glue
- Jack Daniel's is the only man that can lick his own elbow.
- Jack Daniel's made a special guest appearance on Gilligan's Island as the skipper's long-lost father.
- Jack doesn't care if it's a whiskey or a bourbon.
- The original whiskey was made when Jack used an old bottle as a toilet after a long night out. His friend woke up the next morning thinking it was whiskey, took a swig, enjoyed it and started to maunfacture it.
- Allow Jack Daniel's to see your face and he will immediately, without warning, give you a crate of whisky.
- Jack Daniel's is long time best friend of ex Guns N' Roses guitarist Slash, they enjoy hanging out with one another because the both think Axle Rose isn't a good mini-golfer
There was once a big, black man on death row named Jack Danels. Like the drink, only spelled differently.
[edit] Endorsements
Jack Daniels endorses various products, including:
- Jack Daniel's Motorcycles
- Jack Daniel's Hypodermic Needles
- Jack Daniel's Chess set
- Jack Daniel's Poker Set
- Jack Daniel's Dartboard
- Jack Daniel's Handkercheif
- Jack Daniel's Monopoly
- Jack Daniel's Automobiles
- Jack Daniel's Home Wife Beating Kit
- Jack Daniel's Carpets
- Jack Daniel's Top Hats (as worn by Slash)
- Jack Daniel's Slave's
- Jack Daniel's Old time No.7 Brand whiskey
- Jack Daniel's New Time No. 8 brand Marijuana
- Jack Daniel's Wall clock
- Jack Daniel's Book of Oscar Wilde Quotes
- Jack Daniel's Uncyclopedia
- In Russia, Jack Daniel's Old No.7 Brand Tennesee Whiskey drinks YOU! (available in Russia only)
- Jack Daniel's Condom and lube set
- Jack Daniel's Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset
- Jack Daniel's Razorblades
- Jack Daniel's Heroin
- Jack Daniel's Cocktail recipe book of drinks which go well with Jack Daniel's Old Time No. 7 Brand Tenessee Whiskey
- Jack Daniel's Cocktail Recipe book of drinks which don't need Jack Daniel's Old Time No. 7 Brand Tennesee Whiskey
- Gun's n Roses
- Jack Daniel's Pornagraphic Video Collection
- Jack Daniel's barfight play set
- Jack Daniel's Moustasche
- Jack Daniel's Alcoholic's Anonymous Starter Kit
- Jack Daniel's 1 oz. Hip Flask
- Jack Daniel's 2 Oz. Hip Flask
- Jack Daniel's 3 Oz. Hip Flask
- Jack Daniel's 500ml Bottle
- Jack Daniel's 3L Bottle
- Jack Daniel's Fudge
- Jack Daniel's Fudgepacker
- Jack Daniel's Ultimate guide book to success in Marketing
- Jack Daniel's Alcohol Free Whiskey
- Jack Daniel's for KiDz!
- Jack Daniel's Pure Pawnage
- Jack Daniel's Whiskey
- Jack Daniel's for Teetotaler's
- Jack Daniel's is overpriced
- Motley Crue
- Jack Daniel's is like the coolest drink evr.
- Jack Daniel's with Vicadin
- Jack Daniel's is dead
- Jack Daniel's for Gays
- Jack Daniel's s'leinaD kcaJ
- Jack Daniel's AAAAAAAAA!
- Jack Daniel's guide to Philosophy
- Jack Daniel's guide to Life
- Jack Daniel's The Godfather
- Jack Daniel's for Communists!
- Jack Daniel's presents And now for somthing completly Different
- Jack Daniel's Meaning of Life
- Jack Daniel's Guide to the galaxy
- Jack Daniel's Nineteen Eighty-Four
- Jack Daniel's does disney films
- Jack Daniel's Rehab Program
- Jack Daniel's for Alcoholics
- Jack Daniel's for Teetotalers
- iJack iDaniel's
- Hi, I'm Barry Scott and this is Jack Daniel's Bang!
- Jock Daniel's - Bring oot the Scoat in ye
- Jack Daniel's Non-Existent Whisky
- Jack Daniel's or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying, Sit Down and Relax for a Bit, Try and Read or Something, Maybe Eat a Cheese Sandwich, and Basically Do Anything Other Than Obsessively Think About Being Obliterated in a Massive Nuclear Explosion
- Jack Daniel's Wikipedia (Discontinued)
- Jack Daniel's must be a fucking Billionaire
- Jack Daniel's Sistine Chapel Ceiling
- Jack Daniel's Rum
- Jack Daniel's Jim Beam
