Jack Nicholson
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[edit] Birth
Jackariah Ernesto Jonny Nikelstein IVXXXCMLQVI was born on Naliir 38 1/2, to a tribe of Manhattan half-apes. Not knowing who his parents were exactly and everyone in his environment party animals and general hedonists, Jack rebelled this rebellion and turned to fine arts and spiritual refinement. Having an upbringing among the primitives he was confined to, he learned the lifestyle of everyday New York City dwellers. He went to school in an underground liquor-theatre in Central Park, taught on occasion by the 'New York Elite Intellectuals' who were incredibly enlightening when they were not blowing one another at the local Starfucks. In short, Jack was pimarily self-educated.
[edit] School Years
Young Jack was a boy who wished to be a man of legend, thus he would search the forests of the world in search of a magical place that he could claim his power, this turned out to be a carnival. He ran throughout it, searching for his hearts desire until he came upon a big booth with a clown inside. Jack punched the clown, stole a pack of cards and ran. The cards suddenly burst into flames and attracted the attention of the cloud god of his parents, Manos. Manos glared at the young Jack and said, "Thou shalt not learn the face of the rock who thy shall find lying under me and the spiders that punch the one who shall see when thy heart is covered in the brown crayon of life." Jack was confused and decided to grow up.
[edit] Celebrity War Service
In 1959, Jack Nicholson entered the Vietnam War with some of the first American battalions. He reveals today that the only reason he signed up for the war was because he had too many drug charges against him in the US already to risk acquiring any more supply for his habit. He was reported by many to beat his fellow soldiers with rocks and sticks immediately after stepping off the helicopter and into Vietnam, demanding, ‘lead me to the god-damn poppy croppies.’
His ‘irascible withdrawal tendencies’ caused his fellow soldiers to relent and lead him to some Vietnamese pure opium sources, but taking advantage of his needy state and wealthy status they charged him triple-standard prices, which he only protested after the primary 2 months of duty, presumably out of pocket change at this point. Consequently, it is widely rumored that he massacred (with an entire bag of grenades) an American platoon residing with a Vietnamese dealer, so he could seize a whole field of various drug for free.
Through his intoxicated daze (he carried at this point, at all times, three-connected backpacks of clumsily assembled opium, cocaine, marijuana, etc.) he forced himself to complete his tour of duty in segments between being flown back to America privately now and again during the proceeding years to participate in the movie/drug industry, thus in 1965 he joined a traveling platoon he encountered which was moving further towards the border of the country southward. Larry Craig (later Senator), the only other survivor of this platoon, remembers:
“I was just a good-ol-boy, fighting for my country, didn’t want any trouble, did the best job I could. This wild guy joined our platoon bout third week in, real hippie bastard. Higher than a plane, this guy still never got in trouble for his substance abuse problem because all these hoppers he carried on him were so pungent, if you were to walk within 50 yards of him you would start and feel a little wonderful about things yourself pretty soon. In an hour our whole platoon was no more than a bunch of giggle-funny motherfuckers and in a few days we got machine-gunned to dirt by the ‘Cong till just that crazy guy, soldier Nicholson that is, and I were the only ones left. Our clothes were so ragged by the fighting, and it was so farting hot in the jungle that we went around naked. Jack kept his silly bags-o-fun though, of course. I was high as he was, half the time, just from the smell. Soon, we actually managed to sneak away from the enemy for awhile, discouraged from the war effort, trying to find our way out of the country. Unfortunately, when we traveled far enough the temperature began to change.
“Jack told me ‘we have to be awake at least at dawn. That’s when they hunt.’ The only bad part about that was that those first hours were colder than polar-bear tits. Our bodies began to burn madly, through the frost. We literally couldn’t move, and one morning when we were forced to hide from some Charlie in a bush with our lower bodies deep in a pond and numbing to ice in minutes, Jack offered me some of his pure-supply to take my mind off the pain. I rejected, and he just shrugged his shoulders and popped that trail-mix poppy down his throat like he was eating from a sack of popcorn.
“Now I can’t tell you what was real or not because I was fucked up as a war-protesting minority, but I saw as plain as day his hand go still in lieu of putting another plant in his mouth, as though his body reacted enough already and wouldn’t permit another stimuli, and Jack was looking at me with his goddamn leprechaun grin as the only sign of life, when that muddy mug turned right as blazing red as was earthly possible. I don’t mean a blush here, a rash there, I mean his face was lit up like the early morning sun. That’s about when his right eyeball slid down outta the socket and landed on the ground, still connected to some vein inside. The only thing I could think to do was to pick it up and put it back in; which I did. And I’ll never forget this, the second I put that eye back in his head he said, ‘I’m still cold.’
“I then took the chance to lift my head from the dense thicket and upon returning told Jack that things were clear and that a tepee-hut was ahead. I forced him up at gunpoint. He wearily followed and we walked in this tiny abode, immediately relieved by some flames inside. To my dismay the inhabitants were smoking opium, to which Jack giggled and nestled beside, not even considering that these might be Viet Cong. I was a little too transfixed by the fire myself to give a damn, and moved close to this fire with Jack. I regained myself finally, asking them pleasantly in Vietnamese, ‘You guys Commies?’ The chief of them shook his head. A child politely fed the flame and just as soon Jack whipped him out of the way and moved as closely as he could without adding himself to the burnings, as did I. It was just then that we all heard an explosion: a crackled, crisply outward combustion, which seemingly originated in that very room; and yet no one understood what it was exactly. So in our tiredly-baked quality we went back to getting warm. It was probably twenty-five minutes later that Jack and I began to feel our legs again and when we did, we noticed some blood drying slowly among our thighs, looked down, discovering what that bursting sound had been, and that we no longer owned testicles. What remained lied in icy chunks on the floor before the hut-fire, and we both screamed in far-delayed shock. The chief gathered the fleshy debris into a pot, threw some village vegetables in and boiled it all in water over the fire. We were so space-rocket high and hungry that when the chief told us of this meal’s talent-giving powers via nourishment, he didn’t have to convince us any further before we dug in, hardly leaving any for the chief and his child. This chief looked at us for a long time and said, ‘This food is very sacred; very rewarding indeed. To you, American soldier, it grants political genius.’ And then the chief looked at me, ‘And to you, acting ability.’
[edit] Adulthood in Hollywood
After he grew up he walked a few steps and landed in Hollywood International Airport. He bumped into Jack Time Mayer Newline Warner and said, "Hey, my name his Jack too." This caused him to appear in shitty B Movies for a millennium. He then found his way to the top when he was asked to appear in a movie called "Easy Ride", Jack was so good in this porno film that he was hired to have sex with every leading lady in Hollywood, including Faye Dunaway in Korea Town. After he had sex with everyone a creepy recluse known as Stanley Kubrick gave him a part in Stephen Kingdom's "The Shriner." Jack had to ride a mini go kart around a big, ugly hotel with an axe. He hacked a black man to death and was called racist for two hundred years, after this he finished the film and had sex with a rotting ghost thing. He once worked with Noam (Gnome) Chomsky as a replacement for Kelsey Grammar on Frasier but, sadly, it came to nothing, although he did get to meet the famous dog.
[edit] Later years
Jack spends his golden years going to big parties while wearing big sun glasses. He doesn't do much else, though sometimes he his frowned upon by pennies and dimes. Nickels and dollar bills declined to comment. He lives in a big house that lies by a mud hole, in this hole there lies a key that lead to Jack's Jungle. Jack keeps this key there and hides in a rocket ship in case it is ever discovered. He is addicted to small children, much like our good friend Pat (King of Steaks). He also has joined a church group, the "Frankenstein is the God of all Living Things" church group.
Three days later, he was devoured by ten albino sheep.
[edit] The Big Part
While cleaning his rocket ship he stuck his hand in his pocket and found the cards that had burned him earlier in life after he punched the clown but before Manos spoke to him. As he stared at the only card that wasn't damaged he realized what it mean. It was a joker card, Tim Burton then appeared and made time fly back to 1989. Jack was cast as the Joker in Batman and got lots of money, no pennies and dimes though for they still frowned upon him in the past.
[edit] Man Boobs
Jack's man boobs have been a subject of much debate, but now scientific research done by the scientologists proves that they are indeed two rapidly developing aliens implanted in him by the great Tom Cruise whilst he was on holiday at the Cruise Villa. Cruise refused to comment. All he said was "Want any salt with that?"
[edit] Death
He's still alive. Or is he..? This question has plagued civilizations for years. The answer is yet unknown however the theory is that he in a perpetual state of sadness and anger effectivly making him trapped between life and death.
[edit] Recent Arrests
Jack Nicholson was arrested for trying to insert his brain into an evil penguin after a free basing spaghetti and meatballs in 1974.
After touring the Brown University campus, Jack was promptly arrested for public exposure when he opened his trench coat in front of President Ruth Simmons.
[edit] Films
- Little Shop of Whores
- The Terror of Bad Movies, and other B Films that would later become musicals with Muppets
- Back Door to Little Boys
- Easy Ride
- Five Easy Pieces of Ass
- The Last Detailed Vagina
- Korea Town
- One Cummed in her Cock Nest
- The Shriner
- Scatman
- Nothing Like A Few Good Men
- About Shit
- Sperms of Endearment
- The Retarded
[edit] Trivia
- Killed Shelley Duvall with an axe.
- Loves all kinds of bats. Especially baseball bats.
- Jack is actually among the coolest people on earth, others include Samuel L Jackson and Blobby
- Jack is a graduate of the University of Antarctica.
[edit] Quotes about Jack Nicholson
“Jack Nicholson is the master method actor, when he was preparing for his role in "The Shriner" he actually grabbed an axe and cut up a black person. Thus earning my respect! My hat tips for you Jack!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Jack Nicholson
“ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY! ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY!
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY! ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY!
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY! ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY!”
~ Jack Nicholson
