Jack Thompson
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“These flowers were sent to harass me.”
~ Jack Thompson on the one person in the universe that actually likes him
“I'm not a troll.”
“That... um, Thompson... he's like a fence post... he bitches TOO MUCH about pointless shit.”
~ Stoner on Trippin balls
“... Or Else!”
~ Jack Thompson's personal autograph
real sex Machine
Jack Thompson was born February 31, -1337 - January 21, 2045, in South Africa, and is a lawyer/activist for which he is famed for being a joyless blowhard who blames all of the world's problems on radio, video games, and the price of tea in China. Strangely, he is ranked number fourteen out of thousands on Call of Duty 4. He actively campaigns against video game violence and the fact that nobody takes him seriously. He has no friends, has no grasp of logic and reality and as such is completely oblivious to what people in possession of more than five brain cells call factual information. This is why Jack wants to ban video games like Pokémon since he claims it promotes paganism, and Grand Theft Auto, which isn't quite as bad as Pokémon. Everyone hates Jack Thompson, including Jesus and his own mother.
He has recently announced plans to ban the Internet because they say bad things about him on it. His 12 year old son was able to purchase and download porn to earn the slightest strand of sanity, and poor old Jack didn't like that. Al Gore could not be reached for comment.
Contents |
[edit] Biography
Thompson was spawned on July 23, 1358 in a shack in the ghetto of Cleveland, Ohio, when Jack McCoy and Clarence Darrow decided to create the greatest attorney ever. Their experiment failed and they ended up creating the biggest douchebag ever. At the age of three, he made his first lawsuit against a woman for being a lesbian. Many people believe that he did this only to make her lose an election, which she still won with 69% of the vote. At the age of six, his evil-twin brother Jake Thompson invited Jack to play a video game called Pong. He was having so much fun it was making him unhappy. The negation of anything fun in Jack's life would later receive media attention from The Guinness World Records as the World's Most Boring Man. He sued the characters in Pong for making him happy and the Guinness World Records for calling him boring. After his unsuccessful lawsuit, Thompson gained the ability to time travel. At seven, Thompson unleashed the power of blurting "Or else!" at the end of every sentence during a formal debate. At the age of 93 he finally lost his virginity to "Uncle Daddy" as he called him. His eloquence was believed to have modeled after Steve Ballmer, his only friend in high school, as well as his boyfriend, Prince Charles IV. This was his first step towards joining the Justice League. He then purchased a law degree from the University of Wal-Mart in New York.
His first famous lawsuit was in 65,000,000 B.C., when he attempted to sue Chuck Norris for inventing violence. After returning from the dawn of time unsuccessful, Jack went out of his way to eliminate any indication of violence in material and ideological form he can find, whether they were violent or not, beginning his campaign as a joyless blow hard attempting to rid the world of violence and fun under the guise that his childhood was ruined by Pong. The first portion of his plan involved the destruction of video games. With Hillary Clinton, Joe Lieberman and 5 of the 8 Teletubbies at his side, he revealed to the world that people who play video games are all on drugs, backing this fact up with scientific evidence, professional opinions and charts and graphs from the same place as his law-degree.
It's a given fact that 98% of humans and 96% of objects wish for God to smite Thompson. God could not be reached for comment, as his house is very high up.
[edit] Hobbies
- Stealing candy from small children.
- cross dreasing
- Suing people
- Suing dead people
- Suing imaginary people
- fucking animals
FuckingSuing small children- fucking Lawsuits
- blowing small, furry, woodland animals
- Firing the Death Star
- Having sex with Hitler
- Having sex with the same animals that he bludgeoned to death
- Lawsuits
- Doing Hillary Clinton's bidding
- Eating paint chips
- Sodomizing giraffes
- Lawsuits
- Touching small children
- jacking off in bed
- Foshizzling yo nizzle
- Suing your nizzle. Whatever that is.
Jack Thompson can fuck off Image:Gta jack.jpg
[edit] Sexuality
It is uncertain to this date on what Jack Thompson's sexual orientation is. As Jack Thompson's sexual past is widely disputed, the topic is of intensely heated debate between several parties (notably Rockstar Games and video game aficionados). Scientists have claimed that he is heterosexual as he was seen consummating his marriage with his wife and may possibly have offspring.[citation needed] Recent evidence found in his bathroom disputes this claim as it shows numerous pornographic materials intended for men who have sex with men. Statistics also show that he sodomizes animals in a rhythmic cycle that is roughly on a weekly basis. As of 2007, scientists classify him as a pansexual due to insufficient evidence to support any other sexual orientation.[{{{1}}}].
Despite this information, Jack has claimed to have made love to animals such as crabs, falcons, sloths, giraffes, Courtney Love, rats, rattle snakes, your mom, Andy Milonakis, and his own butt. Thompson has also had intercourse with inanimate objects, such as vacuums, glue, landmines, the Grand Theft Auto San Andreas CD, Rosie O'Donnell, puddles, desks, CDs, rugs, sideburns, xylophones, poop, your face, herpes, clouds, windshield wipers, tennis rackets, and is especially into game related "plushies". Jack's sexual career is highly varied and mostly nauseating. Such high amounts of sexual promiscuity has led to Jack being a festering heap of STDs. Contact with Thompson (sexual or otherwise) is generally discouraged as the sheer vast amount of bacteria and disease that can be found on his skin is worse than that of your local K-Mart. Preventive measures should be taken, including thorough showers before and after contact, a HazMat (Hazerdous Material) suit, and a liberal supply of mace. Despite the obvious public health risk, the United States government refuses to place him in a federal institution, as he has threatened to "Give them gonorrhea... or else" if they do so.
[edit] Jack's Arguments
Thompson heavily criticizes a number of video games and campaigned against their producers and distributors, arguing that in a nutshell violent video games have repeatedly been used by teenagers as “murder simulators” to rehearse violent plans. He uses the connection between games and the gamers that have gone postal on their classrooms to effectively blame the disaster solely on video games. He makes the assertion that all gamers are narcoleptic psychopathic wankers, suffering from paranoid schizophrenia whose parents own easily accessible and loaded firearms in order for them to go liquidate jocks that pick on them at junior high. Jack gets this information from the fairy land that conveniently is in his imagination The one thing Jack doesn't realize about this magical 'connection' he conveniently invented to support his meticulous arguments is that killing people in video games is nothing like the real thing.
No one game is like the other (at least the ones people bother to play). You cannot spectator-view to see where everyone is like you can on Counter Strike. You don't have a convenient HUD above your field of vision telling you how many points you scored or how many pounds of ammunition you still have left. There aren't crates conveniently dotted around the area to get more ammunition (assuming they have any inside to begin with) or hide behind. It's harder than real life to get your health back up because you don't have an HUD and medikits don't disappear the instant you run into them to cure your ailments, you cannot wallhack, aimbot or God mode your way through and in some cases you cannot kill people instantly by jumping on them even if you happen to be the fat kid everyone picks on.
'Murder simulators' are to Virginia Tech as flight simulators are to the September 11 attacks on planet New York. In order to make the same connection Jack uses to push the blame on video game violence, the terrorists who were responsible for the 9/11 tragedy would have to play Microsoft Flight Simulator X to rehearse their evil plan. Of course, the very idea would be stupid.
[edit] Jack vs. Mario
In 2008, following Jack's attack on violent video games for provoking violent behavior, he turned his attention to one of the oldest gaming icons: Mario. Jack was eager to show that his bias against video games was not simply some kind of ignorant, uneducated, uninformed, scape-goat-raping bullshit-fest on merely the violent titles.
Jack expressed his concern at the growing number of children engaging in acts imitating that of the Italian plumber. Primarily Jack blamed petty crimes on the Super Mario series and subsequent spinoffs, claiming that the focus on collecting coins was encouraging young teenagers to steal money from their friends, family, and even strangers. Similarly, "the Nintendo produced brainwashing of our American youth" (Jack Thompson, 2008) also encourages the ingestion of specific drugs, namely "magic mushrooms".
Other Mario related crimes include, but are not limited to;
- Jumping on turtles
- Throwing the shells of turtles
- Climbing into large green pipes
- Repeatedly hitting boxes with one's head
- Growing a moustache
- Eating flowers with petals shaped like flames
- Repeated use of the phrase "It's-a-meee!" (a trademark of Donald Trump)
- Being an advocate of fun
- Saving the love of your life from being kidnapped and molested by a fire breathing lizard.
It is understood that Nintendo have made Jack Thompson an assist trophy in Super Smash Bros Brawl, he sues all enemy characters on the screen if anyone takes him seriously. Jack Thompson could not be reached for comment, likely because no one cares enough to find him.
[edit] Important Court Cases
With his swift attacks against the evil video game industry, Jack Thompson had won many important cases that help the cause of eliminating offensive content from the media. The list of important cases he won include the following:
- In 65,000,000 B.C., he tried to sue Chuck Norris for using violence, but dropped the case after a round house kick from Chuck Norris. Scientists speculate this may have caused the extinction of dinosaurs. It is unclear how Jack survived.
- In 12,000 B.C., he tried to sue Cipsoft's Tibia, claiming that the sound effects of players dying could be understood as something as Shut up Thompson!. The court told him to get a life.
- In 20 A.D., he tried to sue Jesus for telling pagan stories. 13 years later, he was crucified, so he could free his people from the presence of Jack Thompson.
- In 1000 A.D, he was disguised as the chancellor of the King of Guardia (Later a monster called Yakra XIII got the same idea, and Mr. Thompson had to get a new job). He made a bullshit accusation against a "Video Game" boy named Crono, and he sued him for living. There is a documentary of this on the episode ten of "Chrono Trigger Unglued".
- In 1066, he succeeded in banning "interactive poetry" causing the battle of Hastings.
- In 1963, he sued Doctor Who, as a miniature version of the TARDIS could potentially be used as a dildo and harm childrens minds. He was awarded 15 small TARDIS models.
- In 1985, he successfully sued Mario for telling kids to eat shrooms and jump on turtles. Jack Thompson was awarded 500 gold coins from the lawsuit.
- In 1985, he once again sued a Super Mario Bros. character, this time Toad, since he kept saying, "I'm sorry, but your princess is in another castle".
- in 1984 Jack Thompson sued Wham for their song 'Last christmas', saying it was discriminatory and should be changed to 'Last annual holiday on December 25th'. The douchebag won the case and was awarded a sense of fun, which he later gave away to underprivileged African children.
- In 1986, he successfully sued Frogger because he looked like a sperm when was younger. Jack Thompson was awarded a year supply of flies.
- In 1989, he sued Tetris, arguing that it was an obscene video game, as it involved sliding pegs into holes, and that the long piece resembles a phallus. He also attempted to ban it for communism, but was unsuccessful.
- In 1991, he successfully sued Kirby for promoting homosexuality, due to the fact he was pink and he liked to suck stuff. Kirby then ate him, but spit him back out as he was having thoughts of suicide.
- In 1992, he successfully sued the creators of Barney because an episode aired in which Barney taught kids how to make smores.
- In 1994, he sued the creators of EarthBound, claiming that kids would attempt to perform PSI which he considers to be black magic and that they would beat up cops, people, animals and whatnot. As a result, he earned -100,000 EXP, leveled up to -100 and realized the power of PK lawsuit Ω.
- In 1995, he managed to sue Super Metroid because of a hidden "love"-minigame with the Mother Brain. He was awarded with a free SNES video game.
- In 1998, he succeeded in suing Hideo Kojima for making Pokémon, despite the fact that Hideo Kojima had absolutely nothing to do with the series. Following the case, several semen-filled Pokémon plushies and a kilogram of cocaine were found at Thompson's house. Thompson declined to comment.
- In 1999, he sued Rockstar Games, (the video game company that had placed a used condom on his front porch, attached with a note that read "You will never use this"), for being correct.
- In 2000, he sued Naruto because he was blond and taught kids how to shove fingers up other people's asses and to beat up dogs and old people. He was successful and was awarded 10 gallons of Ramen.
- In 2002, he discovered that Halo was the cause of 9/11. He was awarded a 3 month cruise in the Bahamas and a one-night stand with a poor lad from Croatia.
Jack Thompson: We hold the Florida Bar hostage for One Meellion Dollars!!
- In 2002, Jack sued Nintendo for Animal Crossing, claiming it encouraged children to clean up their towns, be friendly to their neighbors, and write heart warming letters. Thompson was awarded a year's supply of weed, since he probably ran out in the process of coming up with this case.
- In 2003, he successfully sued Homestar Runner for arson of his house. He was supposed to be awarded his own Strong Bad E-Mail, but he was awarded that and 1,000,000 bucks. The Strong Bad E-Mail was never aired, owing to the presence of said lad from Croatia. The cash was the best 1,000,000 bucks Homestar ever spent.
- In 2004, Jack attempted to sue himself, claiming he tried to rape himself. The case was dropped due to death threats, from himself.
- In 2005, a sex minigame was found in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Jack Thompson sued the developers until they ended up living on the streets of Manhattan.
- In 2005 he sued Billy Idol for the song "White Wedding" saying that it had rascist overtones. He then required that Idol change it to "Ethnically Diverse Wedding".
- In 2005, Jack Thompson sued EA Games for making The Sims 2, claiming that the people had labia, pubic hair, vaginas and nipples. EA Games won the case after the jury proclaimed that Thompson was a "shit-ass turd" because there was no truth to Thompson's claim.
- In 2006, Jack sued Wikipedia for libel. He then praised Uncyclopedia for their fair and completely honest article, stating "I like penises in the butthole."
- In 2006, He sued Florida’s legal regulatory association for conspiring “against his rights as a citizen and pedophile's rights activist”. At the same time, in an alternate dimension, he sued a Florida veterinarian for malpractice and "accusing him of being human".
- In 2006, he sued Rockstar Games over making Bully because it reminded him of his childhood when he received a 'swirly' from the girl's field hockey team after they discovered him masturbating in the girl's locker room. Advanced HyperTechScan shows that the area he was caught was next to the boy's shower area. Examination of school records shows an expense of $9,999,999,999,999.99 for "fixing a head-sized hole some damn kid cut between the boy's shower and the girl's bathroom."
- In 2006, Jack Thompson unsuccessfully sued Microsoft for 'facilitating video game addiction'. Evidence shows his lack of clothing during the court session might have resulted in this outcome.
- In 2006, Jack Thompson sued Nintendo and Rockstar for adding Mario and Luigi to Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. The judge declared a mistrial because of Mario's prejudicial statements.
- In 2007, Jack Thompson attempted to sue the Angry Nintendo Nerd (Now named Angry Video Game Nerd) for creating a monopoly, alleging that the Nerd was putting him out of business by encouraging people not to play games for free, thereby destroying Jack Thompson's estimated $80 billion hourly rate. The Angry Video Game Nerd counter sued Thompson, alleging that Thompson regularly takes unlicensed "diarrhea dumps". Thompson was forced to relinquish his shares in Rolling Rock.
- In 2007, Jack Thompson sued Coca-Cola for making their own version of Grand Theft Auto. He was awarded a two liter bottle of coke.
- In 2008, Jack Thompson sued Square-Enix for releasing Final Fantasy XIII because it promoted lesbianism, as seen in the main character, Lightning. Another alleged reason is that the game depicts the characters committing suicide, performing oral sex and numerous sexual advances, and getting gender-confused. Thompson was awarded nude 10 inch figurines of prominent male Final Fantasy characters and Kingdom Hearts characters.
- In 2008, Jack Thompson sued the entire internet because he claimed it has too much porn.
- In 2008, Jack Thompson sued his son for making him spend money on food and water once a month.
Of course he was wrong and was sentenced to Snoo-Snoo.
- In 2010, Jack Thompson attempted to sue himself again for pedophilia after it was found out that he kept a naked figurine of the Kingdom Hearts protagonist, Sora. The judge then sentenced him to 15 years of jail for severe idiocy in the first degree.
- In 2027, Twenty years to the day after he sued the Angry Video Game Nerd, Jack Thompson sued Nintendo for making Nintengirls arguing that it was too good for anyone other than himself. Shigeru Miyamoto fought back, and alerted people to the fact that Jack Thompson is a shark. The judges then ruled that Jack Thompson truly was a shark, and for this he was sentenced to work as a punching bag/condom in Soviet Russia for 15 years.
- In 2042, Jack Thompson escaped from prison (although he was a day away from release) and sued the officers who arrested him for touching him. He was unsuccessful and was counter-sued by them and had to give them his life. Jack Thompson died that day and on his gravestone it was written: "Here lies Jack Thompson. Hell stinks more now; please piss here".
- In 2043, Jack Thompson launched a lawsuit against Satan for not equipping his bathroom with air-conditioning. After six months of trying, he won the case along with US$300,000,000. Later on, Satan, declaring himself bankrupt, sold his apartment, retired from his job, and now lives in an old-age home near Washington Street.
[edit] Recent Allegations
Jack Thompson recently made headline news when famed conspiracy theorist Oscar Wilde claimed that a rumor, of a theory, of a news article in Bolivia written by a columnist's sister's brother's aunt's cousin's second husband's youngest daughter's cat named Nostradamus, had seen Jack Thompson speaking with "short, pale men with big dark eyes and nose slits." When questioned about collusion with the Chinese, Jack Thompson replied "how could anyone mistake them for the Chinese?", before withdrawing from further comment. Mr. Wilde has further suggested that if Jack's superiors were not, in fact, Chinese, then they must certainly be aliens, a theory supported by Jack's inhuman behavior and strange body odor. Mr. Thompson has denied these allegations, stating that "...any lie claiming him to be an alien is untrue and he will sue whoever said it ... Or Else!", thus supporting that he must be an American, but is likely bluffing to cover for his overlords. The Department of Homeland Security would not comment on subsequent rumors about an investigation of Mr. Thompson's willingness to commit high treason against the entire human race by selling us all out to a bunch of tentacle-waving brain-eating Martians, however the US Navy has recently been seen performing "training maneuvers" with large numbers of its newest high-orbital starships over the western hemisphere on what it calls "an extended, live-fire training exercise". Further updates forthcoming as events develop.
[edit] Death
In 2045, Jack was brutally slaughterd by 5 people, Master Chief, the Arbiter, Mario, Claude, and Niko.The 4 criminals escaped in a Soylent Green car and then flew to France.The everyone was joyed to hear the news as a Party was held for over 1 Million years and are still partying. Link, the hero of time, was not able to attend as Mario farted in the car on the way over to Jack Thompson's house and he refused to share the same vehicle with the plumber. Samus Aran refused to attend as she considered Jack Thompson's pathetic rantings to be more amusing the then Daily Show. Gordon Freeman just called in sick.
[edit] Notable, Totable, Jack Quotables
Broken into sections of relevence.
[edit] General Jack-isms
This is the kind of stuff Jack says on a pretty regular basis, not always exactly the same but pretty close.
“...Or else”
~ Jack Thompson on his favorite "In Bed" style sentence tack on.
“(everything he says before) ...Hooah!”
~ Jack Thompson on making frequent bowel movements.
“Honestly, are all of you gamers on drugs, or what?”
~ Jack Thompson on asking the maker of VG Cats for some doobay.
“I love the smell of burning gamers in the morning.”
~ Jack Thompson on that recipe Hannibal Lecter gave him.
“I love the smell of burning gamers' moms in the evening!”
~ Jack Thompson on admitting he like sniffing flaming women's underwear.
“It's spelled "brilliant".”
~ Jack Thompson on duty as Presidential advisor and Spell Checker.
“I have made a choice, and it is a choice for Jesus Jesus said: "If any of you should cause any of these little ones to stumble, then it would be better for you that a millstone be tied around your neck and that you be cast into the sea".”
~ Jack Thompson on getting ready to murder some midget trippers. On a side not, Jesus Jesus is no-where to be seen and is suspected to be laying low.
“Nice blasphemy.”
~ Jack Thompson on congratulating Hitler Jesus on his hol... er... Armageddon.
“Jack Thompson Responds This is very funny, actually. Nice job. I count 3 million dead kittens. Meow! Jack Thompson”
~ Jack Thompson on being told every time you reply to Jack, God kills a kitten!
“Hey, look at me. I've got my Adolf Hitler underwear on!”
~ Jack Thompson on getting ready for another court day.
“Hire a crew that has put out a t-shirt featuring a Jesus Christ who says "Don't be a dick."”
~ Jack Thompson on some rather sane advice.
“Yes, I am indeed, responsible for Adolf Hitler's hatred on other races, as well as freedom itself.”
~ Jack Thompson on promoting fascism
[edit] Racial Comments
Jack just loves to get his revenge on everybody that has ever had to do anything with Pong (the original Cyber Mass-murderer, who made people throw their useless ping-pong paddles out open windows into oncoming traffic), especially those of the same race as the makers of pong or the opposite religion... or could be Cybers themselves... Some examples include:
“Oh, and certain regional governments in Japan have banned the sale of the Grand Theft Auto games to minors, but Japan's Sony has no problem whatsoever dumping this garbage into American kids' brains. Looks like Pearl Harbor 2 by Sony/Take-Two... ”
~ Jack Thompson on why racist comparisons are fun and how to make Guantanimo 2 by Jack Thompson.
“What the Japanese are doing to our kids is insensitive and racist. The Japanese have for a very long time dumped pornography into this country in a fashion they would not tolerate in their own country. It is another version of Pearl Harbor." ”
~ Jack Thompson on what did I just say? Another version of the Bay of Pigs incident?
“GTA is a Sony/Take-Two game. It was made by Take-Two exclusively for Sony's Playstation 2. Sony has led the planet in the distribution of mainstream porn. I don't have time to document it for you. As for the offensiveness of the Pearl Harbor comment, it's accurate and it's needed. The Japanese have a contempt for our culture which is patent. There [sic] dumping of garbage into our culture is a slow motion version of Pearl Harbor.”
~ Jack Thompson on three times a lady. Operation PBSUCCESS?
“The Bible doesn't promote killing innocent people, Grand Theft Auto does. Islam does. Islam promotes the killing of innocent people. The Quran requires the infidel, whether Jew or Christian, to be killed. ... That's a core essence of the religion. ... Muhammad was a pirate who killed infidels and who advocated the killing of infidels. Not a nice guy. Osama bin Laden is in keeping with his fine tradition.”
~ Jack Thompson on his conversion to Islam. Sand Creek Massacre anyone?
“Racist comments? Identifying the racism of the Japanese and the religious bigotry of some Muslims is racism? My, are you confused or doped up!”
~ Jack Thompson on explaining how confusion and dope clear the mind. Especially before confronting Ultra Jesus.
“You know, there are sociopaths everywhere. Some of them are in government, some of them are at Take-Two. In fact, we got a bunch of sociopaths in Edinburgh, Scotland, sittin' around in kilts sippin' their single malt whiskey spreading racial, hurtful stereotypes in this country.”
~ Jack Thompson on admitting why his Scottish masters sent him to America.
“A "troll" is an anonymous coward to lurks in chat rooms and who has nothing better to do than hassle people with silly posts.”
~ Jack Thompson on Wishing Orc Jesus was a Troll Jesus.
[edit] See also
- Give me a Big Mac Or Else! - Satirical Video Game
- Jack Thompson- The Video Game
