Jack Bauer
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| This article contains scenes of violence and mature subject matter. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED |
| The following takes place between 6:00AM and 7:00AM. |
 The following should be read in real time |
“If you're talking to al-Qa'ida on the telephone, you have the constitutional right to have your head blown off!”
~ Jack Bauer to the World
“The ONLY reason you're conscious right now is because I don't want to carry you!”
~ Jack Bauer to a hostage
“Now we're going to have some fun!”
~ Jack Bauer after capturing the terrorist leader
“Son of a bitch! There's NO TIME!”
~ Jack Bauer on protocol
“4 more CCs, damnit!”
~ Jack Bauer on brotherly love
Born on the 31st of February 4000 BC (Immortal fool!!), Jack Fucking Bauer is America's finest counter-terrorist special agent, anti-sleep activist, Human Rights Professor at UCLA, all-round person you don't want to piss off, and a hero to many conservative Republicans even though the actor playing him is a self proclaimed Communist. A regular GNU/Linux user, as of Season 6, he is also a vampire (see Episode 1 to see Jack eat for the first time in 9 years - he has yet to take a shit and a shower, and also Episode 16 to see Jack hunt down a One-Armed Terrorist just by following his blood trail).
Contents |
[edit] Early Life
Jack Bauer was born in a hospital in Los Angeles, conceived by Holy Miracle of implanting the genes of George Washington and Thomas Jefferson into a sacrificial virgin female. The hospital, when torn down, would become CTU headquarters. Jack Bauer's first words were "Son of a bitch!" after the doctor slapped him. Jack was talking only a few minutes out of the womb- and then it was the terrorists who were talking.
Jack Bauer was sent to school at Peninsula School, the best fucking school in existance. Known for its freedom, this was the environment Jack Bauer needed. Jack Bauer had the freedom to shoot anybody he wanted. In a game of "Jack and Terrorists" (Jack Bauer's version of "Cops and Robbers", Jack Bauer tortured his first victim. It was the best moment of his life.
Jack Bauer went on to star in several school plays over the course of middle school. He won the recognition of his peers (Or as close as you can get to a peer when you're talking about Jack Bauer) with his role as Kiefer Sutherland. He got high marks on his test scores, mostly because he tortured the teachers into giving him the information he needed.
In High School, Jack Bauer got half the female population pregnant on the first day. The other half were ugly. It was one of these pregnant women, Nina Meyers, who would form a bitter grudge against Jack. On weekends, Jack and one of his friends, Edgar, would shoot hoops and get ice cream together. Later, they'd prank call a girl named Chloe, only to have her trace the call, call them back and tell them to "grow up". What a nerd. Jack Bauer then invented *67.
Jack Bauer was expelled from Mensa, the largest, oldest, and most famous high-IQ society in the world, for being too smart (the official reason states simply that he was a "wise-guy," and he sent his teacher to the Principal's office). Jack Bauer proved that EVERYTHING (including Mensa) has it's limit. Except Jack Bauer. And if a "limit" does come along then Jack will use unthinkable torture until it gives in. There is NO LIMIT that Jack Bauer cannot cross. No matter where you "draw the line" it is still behind Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer got a perfect score on his SATs - blood (See trivia). He graduated at the top of his class and was then employed at CTU along with many of his classmates. He fathered Kim Bauer. While this is seen as illogical, given Kim's relative idiocy, one must simply compare her to Maya, the daughter of Erin Driscoll (One of the women Jack had no contact with). Convinced?
Jack Bauer's very own brother and father were in cahoots with terrorists behind 5 nuke attacks in Season Six but in the end they were ALL dead. And Jack Bauer didn't feel a thing. Former Sec of Defense Heller told Jack to stay away from his daughter, and that bummed Jack out so he went and looked at the beach - scaring the shit out of all fish in the ocean. TBC Season 7.
A movie version of "24" is waiting the completion of TV Season 7. The movie will star Jack Bauer.
[edit] Current goings on
Bauer has been framed by an evil alliance of George W. Bush, Osama Bin Laden, Adolf Hitler, Eric Cartman, Steve Bartman, Dr. Doom, Betty Crocker, and Chuck Cunningham. Police paid off by this cadre of destruction paid off SWAT team members to pull over Bauer and empty several canisters of mace, as well as unload 27 taser guns into him, and claim he had been drunk driving. This is, of course, a steaming pile of bullshit because Jack Bauer doesn't get drunk, alcohol gets Bauered. After the loss of 37 assorted SWAT team members, FBI agents and air marshalls, Bauer was finally apprehended using the age-old method of dropping a bridge on him. Bauer has since been incarcerated but is planning an intricate escape using paperclips, rubberbands, chewing gum, and a toilet seat. Macguyver and Black Batman are rumored to be aiding Bauer's escape by sneaking plans to him using shaved guinea pigs sent through the sewer lines with notes jammed up their asses. The funny thing is, Jack Bauer can escape any time he wants. He's just biding his time, preparing for an all-out attack on the organization of evil that put him behind bars.
Hey O
Currently in his spare time, he is torturing anything and anyone for information that he can put on wikipedia. He also tortures information off wikipedia and it is believed that is the reason why George Bush is still alive today.
06:06:06
|
See his ad here. http://video.dotcomedy.com/player/?id=71734
[edit] Future Projects
- A Mastercard and Capital One ad.
- An "Interrogation for Dummies" book.
- Force the Pope to canonize Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, Jim Henson and James Earl Jones as saints of the Roman Catholic church.
Create a cocktail called 'the Jack Bauer' that distills the entire Jack Bauer experience into a five-ounce drink.Done in 2006- Ingredients: three shots of Jack Daniel's, a shot of kerosene and four shots of tequila mixed with ice and a hint of lime.
- If anyone other than Jack Bauer requests a Jack Bauer at a bar they will receive: a bullet to the face.
- A reality show, entitled "You're Out of Time!!", in which contestants will most certainly end up with gun shots to the face.
- A second reality show as a spin-off entitled "Give him 5 cc's!" it would be much more like fear factor, but deadlier.
(Note that none of these will ever get done. There is no time for them.)
[edit] Iron Bauer
Tune in Jan. 8th to see the 101 fun ways you can use a corkscrew.
A show to begin airing on the Food network for the fall 2007 season. During his stay in China, he will be attending a famous Szechuan cooking school. Jack Bauer will graduate at the top of his class, in part to his excellent cooking skills, and the fact he's shot all other members of the class who cook better than him.
On his new show, Jack will be featuring various dishes he has picked up from his world travels in the Counter Terrorism Unit. Such dishes will include grilled goat kebabs he tried while in Uzbekistan, California fish tacos, and other tasty treats. He'll also show you exciting new uses for everyday kitchen utensils in the areas of torturing and interrogating terrorism suspects .
His show will also include the feature "Force-feed the PETA member", a five-minute section where a randomly-selected guest from the audience spins a wheel full of various meat-dishes, and the chosen dish will then be force-fed to the PETA member personally by Jack Bauer.
Future guests will include:
- Martha Stewart, who will demonstrate a couple of dishes you can create from prison food from the comfort of your cell.
- Richard Nixon, who will be baking pastries and kicking hippies with Jack Bauer
- Mel Gibson and his famous Australian kosher dishes.
- Hugo Chavez, Who will showcase for the world, his amazing talent at making chicken-pot-pie while juggling exactly: 1 fork, a copy of the Mona Lisa, the entire 24 hours of 24 season 2, a pair of chopsticks, a buffalo skull and a poetry book while singing the Norwedgian national anthem.
- PFC Lyndie England, who'll demonstrate various pork-dishes used in questioning suspects at Abu Ghraib, including her famous 'Hobo-town trailer trash Bacon Gristle'.
[edit] Home Interrogation, the Jack Bauer Method
In 2010, Jack Bauer will appear on a late-night infomercial offering a new Young-inventors kit for: do-it-yourself home torture and interrogation. Developed by his close friend Sayid, Bauer guarantees excellency and outstanding performance regarding the machine. "This mach... WAIT! THERE'S NO TIME!"
[edit] How to survive Jack Bauer
“Don't.”
~ The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy on how to survive Jack Bauer
Cultural Anthropological experts estimate that out of the 1,337.47 people to have interacted with Bauer, roughly -542.5 (don't ask) have survived. Many books have been written on how to increase one's chances of not dying when encountering Bauer. Initial strategies included the good old duck and cover, kiss and run, pretend you need to go to the toilet and if I can't see you, you can't see me. All of these have proved ineffective. A little known fact about chances of survival upon meeting Jack Bauer can be summed up by Newton's fourth law of motion: Persons encountering Jack may be summed up as the sum of four parts: 1, that that person has now entered a state of constant fear. 2. that the persons involved has already received the grossly unequal reaction top their action. 3, that the person in question has let loose a stream of urin (dictated by the equation F=ma) the force of which may result in a total disintigration of the trousers. And 4, that the individual will suddently and irrivocable obtain a belief in god.
With the improvement in computer power, many human lives have been saved by running simulations on how to survive instead of sending interns to test theories.
Here are the top strategies given by experts today:
- Talk. You know you are going to eventually and the sooner you start the more unbroken fingers you will have afterwards. Go ahead and tell him who hired you, where you hid the gas canisters, that you cry after ejaculating and that sometimes you just need someone to tell you that you are special.
- Kill yourself. Numerous people have found that carrying a cyanide pill at all times increases your chances of not dying.
- Talk. We can't stress this enough. If you really don't know make something up. Tell him you are working for Bill Gates or that your ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend has the access codes.
- Lie that you date his daughter -- but this only helps in the short run.
- Claim that you don't speak English. Bauer will have to wait for a translator, giving you precious minutes to take that cyanide pill. Unless it is one of the many lanuages he speaks, in which case your screwed
- Talk. Once again, tell him the disarm codes, tell him where the bombs are, who the mole is, who you're working for. Exclaim loudly after telling Bauer anything that there is NO TIME. Bauer will leave immediatly, thus allowing you to take that suicide pill.
- BULL SHIT. When Jack is giving you extreme pain then gaze into his eyes and show him a look of total bull shit. Jack will then conclude you don't know and he'll stop torturing you. Then you can take your cyanide pill.
06:35:20
|
[edit] Jack Bauer, The STREET!
There were plans for a street in LA to be named Jack Bauer Way, but these plans had to be scrapped, due to the high level of pedestrian fatalities predicted by experts. In the words of one LA civil engineer (who spoke under condition of anonymity, and swallowed a cyanide tablet immediately after):
"No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives"
[edit] Death
There have been several theories about the supposed death of Jack Bauer. However, as theorized by Einsteins theory of special relativity the actual death of said Jack Bauer will not occur until the fifth mortal kombat tournament ends late December of the year 2011. Of course Einstein fucked up because he thought the universe was static, and thus his equation didn't or rather could not account for the fact that Jack Bauer is immortal. The end will come for us all as Jack uses his famous destroy the planet fatality in which one million perfectly sphereicle balls come out of his chest and scatter across the planet and detonate on January first at exactly midnight 2012 AD. As the bodies of every man, women and child and destroyed, the souls of the dead will be absorbed by Jack's insatiable thirst for blood thus increasing his power to a level not seen since Kratos destroyed the Olympian pantheon in God of War 3: The Homicidal Spartan that just wants to talk about his feelings and not so much kill people anymore. So in short though your death will be short and sweet, Jack Bauer's death will never come and he will continue to traverse the universe slaughtering terrorists on whatever planet he finds next.
[edit] The Holy Bauer
Not a book for wimps the Holy Bauer has one purpose only, i.e., to terrify. As a scripture it is more horrifying than any other. It consists of a description of the secret contents of Jack Bauer's side bag. Each item is described along with examples of and the philosophy behind each usage. Even Satan wants to know what's in that bag. Publication is pending a CTU and CIA review. The book being XXX rated (for extreme violence) will only be sold in porn shops and snuff movie theaters.
[edit] Jack Bauer Facts
1. Jack Bauer can defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
2. Jack Bauer has methods of interrogation that enable people to remember previous lives.
3. When normal people take LSD it alters their perception of reality. What Jack Bauer takes LSD it alters reality.
4. Jack Bauer once played 18 holes of golf and shot a 17.
5. Having Jack Bauer as an enemy doesn't end when it's over.
6. Fear is the main cause of the "Jack Bauer Factor."
7. Shadows jump at Jack Bauer.
8. Jack Bauer can go into a German restaurant in Bavaria and order Sushi.
9. Jack Bauer can leave a message BEFORE the beep.
10. Deaf people listen to Jack Bauer.
11. When Jack Bauer does push-ups he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the World down...
12. Jack Bauer can easily beat a Royal Flush.
13. Jack Bauer can kill two birds with no stone.
14. Strippers tip Jack Bauer.
15. If you kill Jack Bauer that doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
16. Jack Bauer can slam rotating doors.
17. Jack Bauer doesn't follow protocol. Protocol follows Jack Bauer.
18. When Jack Bauer calls for Back Up - he doesn't need more men. He's telling you to back the fuck up.
[edit] See also
- 24 (television show)
- 48 (television show)
- National Try To Assassinate The President Day
- How to be stupid and not just funny
| 06:59:58 |
| 06:59:59 |
| ___________ |
